I tried writing a post yesterday. About yesterday. I couldn't. It just came out as complete gobbledegook. It's saved in my drafts folder. I may finish it. By then it'll probably be out of date.
I feel strange right now. Like I can't string a sentance together properly. Like I don't want to sit down in one place for any length of time. But I don't know what to do with myself! It's a bit like the feeling of being incredibly horny and not having the chance to do anything about it, but it's not like that. I'm not making any sense. That said, I couldn't generate a cohearent post, just a collection of words and thoughts which I'm calling a poem, not knowing exactly what makes a poem a poem!
Sitting, sleeping, dreaming.
Waking and waiting and hoping.
Crazy life circling above.
Like a vulture waiting to swoop,
Waiting to claim it's next victim.
I close my eyes and smile.
What makes me happy?
What really makes me happy?
I know. We know. Everyone knows.
Anything worth a smile.
Anything to see that smile.
The unobtainable smile. Makes me grin as I reach for it.
Will I get it? I can't answer that now.
I don't want to yet.
I'm enjoying trying too much right now.
I'm having fun.
I forgot what that was.
I got too caught up with crazy life.
It chewed me up and spat me out.
But now I win.
I close my eyes and smile.
But will I get a smile back?
If not, I'll die trying.
Anything for a smile... That smile.
Will you smile with me?
Don't ask what I was on... probably the crappest poem I've ever written! I could have posted a good one I've done, but my thoughts led me to this right now... and it's my thoughts I don't know what to do with!
Thursday 29 March 2007
Tuesday 27 March 2007
Some Words Of Encouragement
So the more estute of you out there will notice a 'words of encouragement' section has appeared on the right hand side of the page beneath my vital statistics.
I have been encouraged by a number of people to have a section where people can post comments about my blog as a whole, rather than specific to a particular post. So I thought it would be a good idea to generate such a section on the blog to see how it goes.
In terms of the layout, I think I want this section to remain in the right margin as it is now, which of course applies a restriction in terms of people posting such comments about the blog as a whole, in that only the blog author, that being me, can post in this region.
Hence this blog post.
I was wondering what you guys that read my blog think of the idea? And as such, whether any of you had a relevant comment about my blog which you would like to see added to this section? If so, then please feel free to email me, or MSN me, or post a comment on here letting me know you would be interested in submitting a comment, and I'll find a way of getting it and adding it to the section. It would be really cool if I could get a few short but positive comments, after all, it is knowing that people like how I write, and don't think I am completely off my tree, that encourages me to carry on!
This is a bit of a work in progress at the moment, as I'll need to adjust things accordingly as I get comments (if I get comments at all of course). So bear with me... but it would be wonderful to hear from you all!
I have been encouraged by a number of people to have a section where people can post comments about my blog as a whole, rather than specific to a particular post. So I thought it would be a good idea to generate such a section on the blog to see how it goes.
In terms of the layout, I think I want this section to remain in the right margin as it is now, which of course applies a restriction in terms of people posting such comments about the blog as a whole, in that only the blog author, that being me, can post in this region.
Hence this blog post.
I was wondering what you guys that read my blog think of the idea? And as such, whether any of you had a relevant comment about my blog which you would like to see added to this section? If so, then please feel free to email me, or MSN me, or post a comment on here letting me know you would be interested in submitting a comment, and I'll find a way of getting it and adding it to the section. It would be really cool if I could get a few short but positive comments, after all, it is knowing that people like how I write, and don't think I am completely off my tree, that encourages me to carry on!
This is a bit of a work in progress at the moment, as I'll need to adjust things accordingly as I get comments (if I get comments at all of course). So bear with me... but it would be wonderful to hear from you all!
Monday 26 March 2007
The New Woman
Appologies to all those concerned, yes, I have been a little slack on the blogging front of late. There are many reasons for this, but as of right now, things are good and I'm back with a vengance.
It's been a hard week for me. Really hard if I'm honest, and it's taken about all I have not to have completely cracked under the strain. But I'm still here and haven't done anything stupid by my standards, so I suppose all is well.
FT has been in the US this week, which I've found incredibly difficult. She's always said she wanted to go and see New York for her 21st, and it was something we always said we'd do together. So with her going without me, it's been about the most difficult thing I've had to face as yet as far as that side of things goes. Apart from the obvious being gutted at the thought of not going, to the thought of how can she want to go without me when it seemed to mean so much to her that it was something that we did together, and knowing how much fun we have together when we go away together, it's been a living hell. Especially to the thought of being worried stupid about the woman I care about, particularly as she's extended her stay by 5 days to go and visit someone who I view as a completely obsessive person with potential psychopathic tendancies, I've been worried out of my mind. And I'm not sure she knows what she's let herself in for.
I'm not the only person who can testify that she has psychopathic tendancies, as a fellow blogging friend knows first hand, and I'm not the only one worried, which heightens my concern if I'm honest. I feel powerless and helpless. That and I'm also worried, as I've been accused of having obsessive tendancies myself, and I've been raked over the coals for it, and it counts against me, and I hate myself for it, and am going out of my way to change that aspect of my personality, yet I'm slightly worried that FT is biting off more than she can chew with this visit, and it will take the obsession to a whole new level. She tells me it's OK cos the person 'hasn't asked and isn't asking anything of her', which I feel is a bit incorrect if she's ringing her repeatedly throughout the day and things, and I can see it going the same way it did with our fellow blogging friend, and I know FT inside out, and know that at some point, she'll feel trapped by it all, which is fair enough, but I'd rather she didn't end up with a complete psycho on her case. But I'm the last person in the world she wants to hear this from.
But I still love her, I still care and I still worry.
Aside from that I've had a million and one other things going on, which have left me feeling pretty crappy.
It seems my 87 year old Nan (Nan J) has given up the ghost on life. And to be completely honest, it's tearing me apart watching it. For 87, she's in pretty good health, no dementia or real disabilities other than arthritis and oedema on her legs, but there is nothing seriously wrong with her. But she developed a cold about 3 weeks ago, at which point she stopped looking after herself. Not through not being able to, but through chosing not to look after herself. She's not been eating or doing things for herself, and even to the point of not washing or looking after her personal hygeine. Which is so out of character I can't explain. She called the paramedics and begged them to take her to hospital, and then begged the doctor to keep her in, even when they could find nothing wrong with her. She was in all of 2 days, and then they discharged her and she's been staying with my Aunt and Uncle P&T. Only she's still not looking after herself down there, or even eating properly. We keep talking to her and encouraging her to try. And my Mum has even tried to guilt her into doing it by saying she's a disgrace to my grandad who even when paralysed with a stroke would make her cups of tea. Only nothing seems to be working. Now everyone is taking about looking into moving her somewhere where she'll have 24 hour care. They want to put her into a home.
I understand that the way she's being, there is little option. But it's soul destroying for me. She's the one that always looked after me as a kid when my parents were working, and we'd bake cakes and things. To see her like this and to see everyone do all they can to turn her around is destroying me, and I don't know what to do. I should be stronger than this, and see what is right for the best in the situation, but somehow I can't. I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one who will just listen and knows me and my Nan and my family, and will just understand. I just want my Nan back! When I came out to the family, she was the one I was most worried about, and why I bottled it for so long. I was so scared she'd be just like this, and that it would destroy her. But she didn't, and that meant more to me than I think it did telling anyone. So to have to see it all now, especially now when I'm still trying to deal with the mess of my life anyway, its just unbearable. Part of me wants to run away, only I have nowhere to run, and no one to run to!
I've been so trying to sort myself out, to deal with it all and everything else as best I can. The New Woman, is me. I went to the hairdressers on Tuesday and had my hair coloured and cut again. Which I am super pleased with, as aside from the fact that this hairdresser is mega expensive, she does a brilliant job, and the cut really suits my hair, and I can manage it well, so that in itself made me feel sexy and more positive... also to the point of taking a new picture for my MSN account! I've also invested in £120 for these excellent ghd hair straighteners... which are just the best that money can buy, and I can't rave about them enough! They are brilliant and even I can use them! I'd recommend them to anyone who wants wonderfully straight hair!
That and I've found another pair of black heeled boots, which I also have been wearing during the day, something which I've never really done before, but even that has had me feeling good about myself and gives me a decidedly positive sexy air... watch this space, a new woman is in town!
I also took myself up to Sheffield for a couple of days to stay with Doofus and her bf. It was the perfect opportunity to catch up with mates, like Jackson and Doofus herself, who to be honest, I have been a complete cow to since my mental collapse. So I wanted to make the effort and to make things right with them again. And it was also good to catch up with Dora, who I haven't seen since before Christmas. we all went out for a meal, and then spent hours playing Cluedo on the itbox... my one true addiction. Well, one of my addictions shall we say ;).
Anyway, it just felt so good to surround myself with people who love me, at a time when I felt pretty low. And that is something I need to do more of rather than shutting myself away inside. I have amazing friends, only I don't tell them enough!
The driving along the M1, music surrounding me, with my singing along to my 'songs of the moment' playlist on my iPod, I felt good. I felt in control, and I loved the freedom to have my car and to be able to do exactly what I was right then. It done me the world of good.
I stopped off via P&T's in Dartford, Kent to go and have a drink with my cousin Andy for his birthday, and I bought him dinner. So it was good to catch up and have a few drinks, although I still am unable to keep them down. And on Sunday, my parents and resident cousin Chesney came round, as did my other cousin Jill, and her husband Matt, and their two kids H & T. We went down the park and took photos and watched the kids play, it was just nice to be around everyone. I remember sitting there at dinner, just watching everyone, laughing and joking, and enjoying being together. This is something we only usually do at Christmas and Easter, so it was nice to do it for no reason in particular. I just sat and watched for a bit, and was just grinning innately at it all, and thinking to myself, 'these people know me, for who I really am. Everything just felt so right and so natural, and everyone was just having so much fun. I felt like for the first time, that I have the best family in the world, and that I'm so lucky for what I have'.
Of course there's always the niggling thought that 'if only I'd go to this point sooner', as I know now that anyone I bring home will be welcomed into the fold, hell, FT was always part of the family even when no one knew we were a couple. They truly are brilliant, and I love them all.
I also had a phone call in the week from my estranged Nan (Nan A), she's my Mum's mum, but they don't talk anymore, readers of my old blog will know the story behind that, which I'm not going into again. I have to confess to not making enough effort there. You see, I may not agree with the fact that my mum doesn't talk to her, but I don't agree with the way Nan A favours Chesney's brother 'Satan Spawn' (who still lives with his parents) over Chesney, and even over myself, irrespective of whether he is going to be the only one in the family to carry the 'Knight' name forward. So I've found it hard keeping in touch with her when she can pick favourites, especially when I've done all I can to make her proud of me, and hoped that my grandad would be too.
She rang my mobile the other night, it said 'private number' but I answered it anyway, and it was her. We were on the phone for about 30 minutes, and there was no animosity. She, and mum's side of the family are the only ones left who I've not come out too. Which for me, is no issue as I hardly see or speak to them anyway, so I don't care whether they approve or not. It's their loss if I disappoint them. But that said, I didn't think it was fair to tell Nan A over the phone. Particularly after so long of not speaking. I said I'd go up and see her, and that is what I plan to do.
I've decided, tomorrow afternoon I'm going to go up and see her, and explain to her that the reason I've moved down from Sheffield is that FT and I were together as a couple, and we separated, and so I moved down to make a fresh start. I don't care how it goes. She has her grandson and heir anyway, and if she is that shallow to let it bother her, then I haven't lost anything. I don't want anything from her. Not her money, not her acceptance, not her blessing. But I do need to be true to me, and that means not hiding who I am from anyone.
I sat and decided the other day, that yes, I do fuck up from time to time, but ultimately, I'm a good person. I deserve to be happy, and to be treated well. But if I'm not honest, then I'm not treating myself well, and why does that give anyone else reason to treat me well?
I'm sick of beating myself up with what other people think or might think. I need to be proud of who I am.
I'm not one to go all fundamentallist and shall we say right or left wing if that is the turn of phrase I'm after, to the point of forcing gay and women's rights in people's faces, but I do feel that the world needs to be more informed than it is currently, and how can it be if we hide behind who we are, or if we hide who we are? I live in Peckham for christ's sake, being gay could probably get me killed by gangs. But I refuse to be afraid. No I'm not going up to the 'Peckham street crew' or whatever and start arguing for gay rights, but i'm not going to hide either. There's a line between being stupid, being sensible, and being afraid, and I refuse to hide and be afraid!
So in my bid of 'little steps' of being proud of who I am, I've invested in a rainbow pinbadge for my coat and a venus lapel for my shirt collars when I wear one. I wear my labrys pendant that FT bought me with pride and never take it off, and I guess I wanted to subtly do the same, without the 'Nobody Knows I'm a Lesbian' sort of t-shirt thing going on. As I said. it's all small steps, but it's me, it's who I am, and I'm very very proud of who I am and how I got here! And nobody can take that away!
It's been a hard week for me. Really hard if I'm honest, and it's taken about all I have not to have completely cracked under the strain. But I'm still here and haven't done anything stupid by my standards, so I suppose all is well.
FT has been in the US this week, which I've found incredibly difficult. She's always said she wanted to go and see New York for her 21st, and it was something we always said we'd do together. So with her going without me, it's been about the most difficult thing I've had to face as yet as far as that side of things goes. Apart from the obvious being gutted at the thought of not going, to the thought of how can she want to go without me when it seemed to mean so much to her that it was something that we did together, and knowing how much fun we have together when we go away together, it's been a living hell. Especially to the thought of being worried stupid about the woman I care about, particularly as she's extended her stay by 5 days to go and visit someone who I view as a completely obsessive person with potential psychopathic tendancies, I've been worried out of my mind. And I'm not sure she knows what she's let herself in for.
I'm not the only person who can testify that she has psychopathic tendancies, as a fellow blogging friend knows first hand, and I'm not the only one worried, which heightens my concern if I'm honest. I feel powerless and helpless. That and I'm also worried, as I've been accused of having obsessive tendancies myself, and I've been raked over the coals for it, and it counts against me, and I hate myself for it, and am going out of my way to change that aspect of my personality, yet I'm slightly worried that FT is biting off more than she can chew with this visit, and it will take the obsession to a whole new level. She tells me it's OK cos the person 'hasn't asked and isn't asking anything of her', which I feel is a bit incorrect if she's ringing her repeatedly throughout the day and things, and I can see it going the same way it did with our fellow blogging friend, and I know FT inside out, and know that at some point, she'll feel trapped by it all, which is fair enough, but I'd rather she didn't end up with a complete psycho on her case. But I'm the last person in the world she wants to hear this from.
But I still love her, I still care and I still worry.
Aside from that I've had a million and one other things going on, which have left me feeling pretty crappy.
It seems my 87 year old Nan (Nan J) has given up the ghost on life. And to be completely honest, it's tearing me apart watching it. For 87, she's in pretty good health, no dementia or real disabilities other than arthritis and oedema on her legs, but there is nothing seriously wrong with her. But she developed a cold about 3 weeks ago, at which point she stopped looking after herself. Not through not being able to, but through chosing not to look after herself. She's not been eating or doing things for herself, and even to the point of not washing or looking after her personal hygeine. Which is so out of character I can't explain. She called the paramedics and begged them to take her to hospital, and then begged the doctor to keep her in, even when they could find nothing wrong with her. She was in all of 2 days, and then they discharged her and she's been staying with my Aunt and Uncle P&T. Only she's still not looking after herself down there, or even eating properly. We keep talking to her and encouraging her to try. And my Mum has even tried to guilt her into doing it by saying she's a disgrace to my grandad who even when paralysed with a stroke would make her cups of tea. Only nothing seems to be working. Now everyone is taking about looking into moving her somewhere where she'll have 24 hour care. They want to put her into a home.
I understand that the way she's being, there is little option. But it's soul destroying for me. She's the one that always looked after me as a kid when my parents were working, and we'd bake cakes and things. To see her like this and to see everyone do all they can to turn her around is destroying me, and I don't know what to do. I should be stronger than this, and see what is right for the best in the situation, but somehow I can't. I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one who will just listen and knows me and my Nan and my family, and will just understand. I just want my Nan back! When I came out to the family, she was the one I was most worried about, and why I bottled it for so long. I was so scared she'd be just like this, and that it would destroy her. But she didn't, and that meant more to me than I think it did telling anyone. So to have to see it all now, especially now when I'm still trying to deal with the mess of my life anyway, its just unbearable. Part of me wants to run away, only I have nowhere to run, and no one to run to!
I've been so trying to sort myself out, to deal with it all and everything else as best I can. The New Woman, is me. I went to the hairdressers on Tuesday and had my hair coloured and cut again. Which I am super pleased with, as aside from the fact that this hairdresser is mega expensive, she does a brilliant job, and the cut really suits my hair, and I can manage it well, so that in itself made me feel sexy and more positive... also to the point of taking a new picture for my MSN account! I've also invested in £120 for these excellent ghd hair straighteners... which are just the best that money can buy, and I can't rave about them enough! They are brilliant and even I can use them! I'd recommend them to anyone who wants wonderfully straight hair!
That and I've found another pair of black heeled boots, which I also have been wearing during the day, something which I've never really done before, but even that has had me feeling good about myself and gives me a decidedly positive sexy air... watch this space, a new woman is in town!
I also took myself up to Sheffield for a couple of days to stay with Doofus and her bf. It was the perfect opportunity to catch up with mates, like Jackson and Doofus herself, who to be honest, I have been a complete cow to since my mental collapse. So I wanted to make the effort and to make things right with them again. And it was also good to catch up with Dora, who I haven't seen since before Christmas. we all went out for a meal, and then spent hours playing Cluedo on the itbox... my one true addiction. Well, one of my addictions shall we say ;).
Anyway, it just felt so good to surround myself with people who love me, at a time when I felt pretty low. And that is something I need to do more of rather than shutting myself away inside. I have amazing friends, only I don't tell them enough!
The driving along the M1, music surrounding me, with my singing along to my 'songs of the moment' playlist on my iPod, I felt good. I felt in control, and I loved the freedom to have my car and to be able to do exactly what I was right then. It done me the world of good.
I stopped off via P&T's in Dartford, Kent to go and have a drink with my cousin Andy for his birthday, and I bought him dinner. So it was good to catch up and have a few drinks, although I still am unable to keep them down. And on Sunday, my parents and resident cousin Chesney came round, as did my other cousin Jill, and her husband Matt, and their two kids H & T. We went down the park and took photos and watched the kids play, it was just nice to be around everyone. I remember sitting there at dinner, just watching everyone, laughing and joking, and enjoying being together. This is something we only usually do at Christmas and Easter, so it was nice to do it for no reason in particular. I just sat and watched for a bit, and was just grinning innately at it all, and thinking to myself, 'these people know me, for who I really am. Everything just felt so right and so natural, and everyone was just having so much fun. I felt like for the first time, that I have the best family in the world, and that I'm so lucky for what I have'.
Of course there's always the niggling thought that 'if only I'd go to this point sooner', as I know now that anyone I bring home will be welcomed into the fold, hell, FT was always part of the family even when no one knew we were a couple. They truly are brilliant, and I love them all.
I also had a phone call in the week from my estranged Nan (Nan A), she's my Mum's mum, but they don't talk anymore, readers of my old blog will know the story behind that, which I'm not going into again. I have to confess to not making enough effort there. You see, I may not agree with the fact that my mum doesn't talk to her, but I don't agree with the way Nan A favours Chesney's brother 'Satan Spawn' (who still lives with his parents) over Chesney, and even over myself, irrespective of whether he is going to be the only one in the family to carry the 'Knight' name forward. So I've found it hard keeping in touch with her when she can pick favourites, especially when I've done all I can to make her proud of me, and hoped that my grandad would be too.
She rang my mobile the other night, it said 'private number' but I answered it anyway, and it was her. We were on the phone for about 30 minutes, and there was no animosity. She, and mum's side of the family are the only ones left who I've not come out too. Which for me, is no issue as I hardly see or speak to them anyway, so I don't care whether they approve or not. It's their loss if I disappoint them. But that said, I didn't think it was fair to tell Nan A over the phone. Particularly after so long of not speaking. I said I'd go up and see her, and that is what I plan to do.
I've decided, tomorrow afternoon I'm going to go up and see her, and explain to her that the reason I've moved down from Sheffield is that FT and I were together as a couple, and we separated, and so I moved down to make a fresh start. I don't care how it goes. She has her grandson and heir anyway, and if she is that shallow to let it bother her, then I haven't lost anything. I don't want anything from her. Not her money, not her acceptance, not her blessing. But I do need to be true to me, and that means not hiding who I am from anyone.
I sat and decided the other day, that yes, I do fuck up from time to time, but ultimately, I'm a good person. I deserve to be happy, and to be treated well. But if I'm not honest, then I'm not treating myself well, and why does that give anyone else reason to treat me well?
I'm sick of beating myself up with what other people think or might think. I need to be proud of who I am.
I'm not one to go all fundamentallist and shall we say right or left wing if that is the turn of phrase I'm after, to the point of forcing gay and women's rights in people's faces, but I do feel that the world needs to be more informed than it is currently, and how can it be if we hide behind who we are, or if we hide who we are? I live in Peckham for christ's sake, being gay could probably get me killed by gangs. But I refuse to be afraid. No I'm not going up to the 'Peckham street crew' or whatever and start arguing for gay rights, but i'm not going to hide either. There's a line between being stupid, being sensible, and being afraid, and I refuse to hide and be afraid!
So in my bid of 'little steps' of being proud of who I am, I've invested in a rainbow pinbadge for my coat and a venus lapel for my shirt collars when I wear one. I wear my labrys pendant that FT bought me with pride and never take it off, and I guess I wanted to subtly do the same, without the 'Nobody Knows I'm a Lesbian' sort of t-shirt thing going on. As I said. it's all small steps, but it's me, it's who I am, and I'm very very proud of who I am and how I got here! And nobody can take that away!
Thursday 15 March 2007
Woman, You're A Fool... A DAMN Fool!
It seems I have the evening, well, the night at least to myself. And I have access to the computer at night for a change. I can't sleep, I have a million and one things brewing through my brain, so it seemed the ideal opportunity to submit another blog post, when things seem so ripe in my mind!
I wanted to call it 'reflections' or something like that, but then I figured probably all of my posts of late should be called reflections, as I've been doing a lot of self reflecting. And tonight, I have been a damn fool, so this seemed like the perfect title.
One of my mittens had to go to the vets today for a 'dental'. This could have involved taking some of his teeth out, I mean, I suppose it's quite common for an 8 year old kitty to have bad teeth, but it doesn't make it easier knowing that. They're like my babies, all of them. It was heart-breaking when I had to move out for uni and leave them behind, and I missed them all so much, but I was used to not having them close and being away for periods of a time. But now, I've moved back into the fold for a bit and I suppose to both them and me, it was like I never went away. I had to sign the form to consent to him having an anaesthetic today, and as is always the case, it carries some risk to the animal. As a Biomedical Scientist, I knew this and was well aware of it, but somehow seeing it there in black and white really un-nerved me. It's not like he's not had one before, but for some reason this time, I was worried sick. Maybe cos I feel like I've lost enough of late and I didn't want to lose anything else important to me. I don't know. But I was relieved when Mum phoned to say she was bringing him home and that he was OK and didn't have to have any teeth out.
Maybe it had something to do with my period as well, but I've just felt emotional all day. I was relieved to have my boy, my 'Big Ow' back safe and sound.
I've been doing a lot of 'me reflecting' the past few days, and I suppose with time on my hands today, and with worry, I've been doing plenty today as well. I think it was the whole realisation about my 'coming out' issues that have sparked it all off. I feel now, more in the cold light of day with things, and that everything seems to be settling down, things can be made more sense of, and analysed for what they were and are, rather than caught up in the heightened emotions that was.
The god's honest truth is that I never realised that fear and anger were such destroying feelings to possess if you let them be. And so much of my life as past, was me giving in to the fear and anger inside me rather than learning how to deal with it. I've already described the bitterness and fear and anger behind the continual anvil of 'coming out'. But one of the real main things that I suppose bothers me, and worries me about my personality, is my jealousy. I've never been able to pin point why and where it comes from, and how it makes absolutely no sense at all. That in itself was another destroying factor of all that was good in my world. And if you don't understand it, or where it comes from, you're never going to deal with it in the long run and move on through it.
How can it make sense, when you have everything sitting there right in front of you? I mean, come on, I proverbially 'had it all'. A confident, gorgeous, sexy woman that loved me, not just superficially, but loved me for me, in spite of all my bad points, it was clear to the world just how deep that ran. We had a gorgeous apartment, we shared common interests, common goals, common dreams. We had Spoons, we were a family. I would remind myself of all this constantly. She would remind me of all this constantly, and everyone else would remind me of all this constantly. Yet I still got jealous, and I still couldn't cope.
WHY?
Again, it does me no good in fixing what it broke, or getting back what I lost, but now, for once, I can see why! Ultimately, it boils down to one thing. One factor. Fear. But what is there to be scared of when you 'have' it all? Losing it. Pure and simple. Straight up, losing it. And bingo, that's what happened.
The whole lot relates back to the whole 'coming out' issue. I have low self esteem and a low self worth. Why? Because I was scared and couldn't do the one thing I needed to at the time when I needed to do it, to make everything feel real. I'm not saying that it wasn't real, or that it didn't feel real. Because it was. It was so very real. I put my every effort, my everything into our relationship, because that was my way of ignoring the outside world. Everything felt so perfect inside, I would focus on that. Shut anyone and everyone out. She came first. We came first. That was the only focus. That way I didn't have to deal with what was ultimately destroying me inside.
And focusing on it like that just bred in me jealousy. If anything felt like it was getting in the way of the 'focus' that I was putting on the relationship, I would get scared of losing it all. I would get jealous. I focused on her because I was too much of a coward to face what I needed to, and it was OK, because majority of the time, it made her happy, and that made me happier than I ever imagined possible. Of course, that just caused me to intensify the focus because it seemed to be 'working'. Don't fix what's not broken right? All the while, I had this daily torment in the back of my mind that ultimately, I wasn't being honest with the world about who I was and how I felt. She was the only one who really knew and understood me, and loved me for it.
But on the other hand, FT had already dealt with coming out, and has many gay friends who are also out, and was much more confident at dealing with people as herself and being who she really is than I was. I was always guarded and worried about what people would think. How they would see me. I felt like I had so much 'baggage'. I saw the world as my threat. I guess I felt like I was trapped and I didn't know how to get out.
I always thought that one day she would go out and meet someone who didn't have any of this baggage, and she'd realise that being with me, that she wasn't being who she really wanted to, and that I was holding her back. I didn't talk to her about it. I never told her how I was feeling, because I didn't want her to think she was burdened with my baggage, I thought it would push her away and I'd lose her if I did. All the times she went out with friends or spoke with friends on the phone, I was so scared that she'd see straight through me as the coward that I felt like I was inside, that I didn't know how to deal with, and I felt like she'd run a million miles. I couldn't see any reason to stick with me. But why would I if I was forever dealing with the demons about the one thing that was personally destroying me inside on a daily basis? I wouldn't.
She just saw the jealous outbursts and no reason behind them. She couldn't see my fear and where it was all coming from if I never told her about it. She, like me felt that everything was perfect. As far as we were both concerned, we'd discussed my coming out, and both said that she'd be there for me as and when the time was right to deal with it. I lied. I led her to believe that I was coping with it. She thought I was ignoring it, and putting it off and off, and she must have got frustrated, but like the wonderful supportive woman she was, she never pushed me or backed away, she was always there, and I knew it. I fucked up. I didn't let her in.
A certain degree of jealousy is good and healthy. It reminds the other person that you're still interested and feel like you'll be losing something important if they go. But to the degree that I was... it was destroying.
She knew all that. I knew all that. I tried to cling on so hard I suffocated her and the relationship. That wasn't my goal, and once again, had I realised what I was doing, I would have damn well done something to stop it. But when the relationship was my only focus, and my main goal was not losing it all no matter what, neither of us could breathe. To the point that it made me the one thing I feared most... impossible to be with.
How can you be in love with someone when they are suffocating you and sapping every ounce of life out of you? And I wondered where it all went? Fucking idiot.
I'll say it again. And it's a big regret for me. I should have got councelling right at the begining. I needed it then, more than ever in my life!
I'm not saying I'll never get jealous again. That's a promise I can't make. I probably will. When you're scared of all you have to lose, it's a natural emotion. But I sure as hell know all the signs of what to look for in me to control it now. And I know now how important it is to ask for help and seek it when you need it. I just wish I'd realised this before I lost the most important thing in my world!
Whatever happens in the future, as I've said before, I've learnt more about myself than I thought there was even to learn. And it doesn't matter how complex I am, providing I can find ways to understand it and learn from it all. And I'm doing the right thing about getting there!
I wanted to call it 'reflections' or something like that, but then I figured probably all of my posts of late should be called reflections, as I've been doing a lot of self reflecting. And tonight, I have been a damn fool, so this seemed like the perfect title.
One of my mittens had to go to the vets today for a 'dental'. This could have involved taking some of his teeth out, I mean, I suppose it's quite common for an 8 year old kitty to have bad teeth, but it doesn't make it easier knowing that. They're like my babies, all of them. It was heart-breaking when I had to move out for uni and leave them behind, and I missed them all so much, but I was used to not having them close and being away for periods of a time. But now, I've moved back into the fold for a bit and I suppose to both them and me, it was like I never went away. I had to sign the form to consent to him having an anaesthetic today, and as is always the case, it carries some risk to the animal. As a Biomedical Scientist, I knew this and was well aware of it, but somehow seeing it there in black and white really un-nerved me. It's not like he's not had one before, but for some reason this time, I was worried sick. Maybe cos I feel like I've lost enough of late and I didn't want to lose anything else important to me. I don't know. But I was relieved when Mum phoned to say she was bringing him home and that he was OK and didn't have to have any teeth out.
Maybe it had something to do with my period as well, but I've just felt emotional all day. I was relieved to have my boy, my 'Big Ow' back safe and sound.
I've been doing a lot of 'me reflecting' the past few days, and I suppose with time on my hands today, and with worry, I've been doing plenty today as well. I think it was the whole realisation about my 'coming out' issues that have sparked it all off. I feel now, more in the cold light of day with things, and that everything seems to be settling down, things can be made more sense of, and analysed for what they were and are, rather than caught up in the heightened emotions that was.
The god's honest truth is that I never realised that fear and anger were such destroying feelings to possess if you let them be. And so much of my life as past, was me giving in to the fear and anger inside me rather than learning how to deal with it. I've already described the bitterness and fear and anger behind the continual anvil of 'coming out'. But one of the real main things that I suppose bothers me, and worries me about my personality, is my jealousy. I've never been able to pin point why and where it comes from, and how it makes absolutely no sense at all. That in itself was another destroying factor of all that was good in my world. And if you don't understand it, or where it comes from, you're never going to deal with it in the long run and move on through it.
How can it make sense, when you have everything sitting there right in front of you? I mean, come on, I proverbially 'had it all'. A confident, gorgeous, sexy woman that loved me, not just superficially, but loved me for me, in spite of all my bad points, it was clear to the world just how deep that ran. We had a gorgeous apartment, we shared common interests, common goals, common dreams. We had Spoons, we were a family. I would remind myself of all this constantly. She would remind me of all this constantly, and everyone else would remind me of all this constantly. Yet I still got jealous, and I still couldn't cope.
WHY?
Again, it does me no good in fixing what it broke, or getting back what I lost, but now, for once, I can see why! Ultimately, it boils down to one thing. One factor. Fear. But what is there to be scared of when you 'have' it all? Losing it. Pure and simple. Straight up, losing it. And bingo, that's what happened.
The whole lot relates back to the whole 'coming out' issue. I have low self esteem and a low self worth. Why? Because I was scared and couldn't do the one thing I needed to at the time when I needed to do it, to make everything feel real. I'm not saying that it wasn't real, or that it didn't feel real. Because it was. It was so very real. I put my every effort, my everything into our relationship, because that was my way of ignoring the outside world. Everything felt so perfect inside, I would focus on that. Shut anyone and everyone out. She came first. We came first. That was the only focus. That way I didn't have to deal with what was ultimately destroying me inside.
And focusing on it like that just bred in me jealousy. If anything felt like it was getting in the way of the 'focus' that I was putting on the relationship, I would get scared of losing it all. I would get jealous. I focused on her because I was too much of a coward to face what I needed to, and it was OK, because majority of the time, it made her happy, and that made me happier than I ever imagined possible. Of course, that just caused me to intensify the focus because it seemed to be 'working'. Don't fix what's not broken right? All the while, I had this daily torment in the back of my mind that ultimately, I wasn't being honest with the world about who I was and how I felt. She was the only one who really knew and understood me, and loved me for it.
But on the other hand, FT had already dealt with coming out, and has many gay friends who are also out, and was much more confident at dealing with people as herself and being who she really is than I was. I was always guarded and worried about what people would think. How they would see me. I felt like I had so much 'baggage'. I saw the world as my threat. I guess I felt like I was trapped and I didn't know how to get out.
I always thought that one day she would go out and meet someone who didn't have any of this baggage, and she'd realise that being with me, that she wasn't being who she really wanted to, and that I was holding her back. I didn't talk to her about it. I never told her how I was feeling, because I didn't want her to think she was burdened with my baggage, I thought it would push her away and I'd lose her if I did. All the times she went out with friends or spoke with friends on the phone, I was so scared that she'd see straight through me as the coward that I felt like I was inside, that I didn't know how to deal with, and I felt like she'd run a million miles. I couldn't see any reason to stick with me. But why would I if I was forever dealing with the demons about the one thing that was personally destroying me inside on a daily basis? I wouldn't.
She just saw the jealous outbursts and no reason behind them. She couldn't see my fear and where it was all coming from if I never told her about it. She, like me felt that everything was perfect. As far as we were both concerned, we'd discussed my coming out, and both said that she'd be there for me as and when the time was right to deal with it. I lied. I led her to believe that I was coping with it. She thought I was ignoring it, and putting it off and off, and she must have got frustrated, but like the wonderful supportive woman she was, she never pushed me or backed away, she was always there, and I knew it. I fucked up. I didn't let her in.
A certain degree of jealousy is good and healthy. It reminds the other person that you're still interested and feel like you'll be losing something important if they go. But to the degree that I was... it was destroying.
She knew all that. I knew all that. I tried to cling on so hard I suffocated her and the relationship. That wasn't my goal, and once again, had I realised what I was doing, I would have damn well done something to stop it. But when the relationship was my only focus, and my main goal was not losing it all no matter what, neither of us could breathe. To the point that it made me the one thing I feared most... impossible to be with.
How can you be in love with someone when they are suffocating you and sapping every ounce of life out of you? And I wondered where it all went? Fucking idiot.
I'll say it again. And it's a big regret for me. I should have got councelling right at the begining. I needed it then, more than ever in my life!
I'm not saying I'll never get jealous again. That's a promise I can't make. I probably will. When you're scared of all you have to lose, it's a natural emotion. But I sure as hell know all the signs of what to look for in me to control it now. And I know now how important it is to ask for help and seek it when you need it. I just wish I'd realised this before I lost the most important thing in my world!
Whatever happens in the future, as I've said before, I've learnt more about myself than I thought there was even to learn. And it doesn't matter how complex I am, providing I can find ways to understand it and learn from it all. And I'm doing the right thing about getting there!
Tuesday 13 March 2007
Better Late Than Never!
Now it seems like I've got too much to post on here after all that! I've been itching to get on and post for a good few days, but have had like nil chance to do so! So this post isn't going to say or cover half of what I wanted it too :(. Or probably not even in the way I wanted it to... so I'm very disappointed, but none the less, here we go:
As I already said, I spent Friday shopping with my Mum, who had the day off. It was nice to get out and to have a look around, although I didn't find a damn thing to buy! We went to Lakeside and Bluewater, and even with all those shops I came home with nothing. We did have a nice lunch though, and I had the nicest piece of steak I've had in ages! Mmmmm.
On the way over to Lakeside I had a phonecall from FT. She'd woke up having a really bad nightmare, and being in the flat by herself, she was scared and she called me. She gets these really violent nightmares from time to time. To be honest, it scares me that they are so violent and so vivid, it always has done. I suppose I never really thought much of it all the while I was around after she'd had one. I always seemed pretty good at reassuring her and making her feel safe and calm. When she rang on Friday, it was awkward to talk, with my mum bellowing down the phone to her boss on her hands free, so we could hardly hear each other. And I think FT regretted ringing me. I think she felt guilty for leaning on me with it all. I think she felt that I wasn't really interested anymore. She couldn't have been further from the truth. I was glad that she phoned. For once I felt like I was important and I was actually of some use, if I could do anything to make her feel a bit better than she did before she rang. In truth, I don't know if I actually was any good. I was scared, and it dawned on me, perhaps then more than it had before, that I was so far away. Had I been any closer, I guess I'd have felt better myself, like there was more that I could do. Instead, as glad as I was that she phoned me, and let me in, I was upset and frustrated that I couldn't just fix things. I think I helped a bit though. We text each other quite a bit throughout the day, and I think if nothing else, I think I managed to make her laugh and cheer her up quite a bit. So maybe I was of some use? And she rang me later that night, and we had a good chat.
Right now, I think things are going quite well between us all things considered. We're being more open and honest with each other, and we seem to be getting on better because of it. For once she sounded like she genuinely wanted to talk to me, and it was like all those random sort of chats about nothing in particular we used to share in times when we had to be apart before. It was natural and relaxed. I guess that's what I've wanted for us for a while now. I'm not saying everything has run it's course and we're in this place now where things are in a normal equilibrium. I'm not sure that will happen for quite a while, if ever. But I think we are, or at least were Friday night, in a place where we're trying not to focus on what was, what should or could have been, or even what is going or likely to happen in the future. But I think we're in a place of taking things one day at a time, and trying not to predict or expect too much of the other. I could sit here and type this, and say that we had the most wonderful conversation, which we did, and that there was a connection between us that I simply don't ever get with anyone else, which again is true, and if I can read FT like I think I can, then I think that to a certain extent, she thought the same. We both miss each other like mad. That much is abundantly obvious. But trying to read into things. To read into the future, isn't going to do either of us any good. I guess that's where I've changed to how I used to be. I used to be so focused on the future. So intent on making this happen, and that happen. And even when we split up, I was so intent on focusing on how it was all just a step in the future and how we'd end up together further down the line. I'm not seeing it as anything like that anymore. I'm done focusing and predicting what will and won't be. There are certain steps you can't see in life. And it was me not seeing this one while looking so far into the future that led me to fall so hard when I missed the step.
I'm not saying we'll end up back together down the line, and I'm not saying we definetely won't. What I am saying is that we both need to focus on us individually. She needs to focus on her, and I need to focus on me. And if there is something somewhere down the line, then hopefully we'll be sorted and ready as individuals to look forward to it and enjoy it if and when it comes. If not, then hopefully, there is something else in store for us, and equally we can enjoy that if and when it happens too.
I'm still learning. There's a difference between forgetting the present and focusing so hard on a future you want that you fuck it all up and lose it all and enjoying the present and taking small steps to the future so you can enjoy it all as you go and adapt to each step in turn rather than collapsing at every hurdle. I'm trying to reach the second of those two scenarios, and I'm getting there slowly and surely. It's not easy, but I am doing it!
She's coming down to London in a few weeks, and we're arranging to go for dinner. That's as far as my forward planning goes right now. It'll be good to see her, and good to catch up properly. I'm done predicting the future... I'd be a crap clairvoyant, I'd probably be sued for all I'm worth!I'll stick to enjoying the little things in life, which I can so readily forget!
I suppose all this has caused me to do a whole lot of reflecting on me as a person, and how I've handled things and how I handle them now.
And I have changed. Don't get me wrong, fundamentally, I'm still the same person, but in many ways, I have grown, even grown up! I can sit here and list a whole load of regrets that I have, and say how things would have been different if I'd done something about them earlier. But that doesn't do me any good whatsoever. As painful as saying that is. I'm trying to look on them and use them for the future, rather than let them eat me alive.
I suppose my one big regret is the whole 'coming out' issue. I wish more than anything that I'd dealt with all that long before FT ever walked into my life. It put so much of a strain on everything, it never felt like she was pressuring me to deal with it all, it was more of that I felt pressured because I always felt like I was letting her down by not being completely open and honest about who I was. A day never went by when I didn't wish that the whole world knew that I was gay and that she was my lady. I'm ashamed at myself for the way I handled it all, and when I did manage to gather the courage to say to myself 'it doesn't matter anymore who disowns you because you're gay, you can't carry on lying, you have to be honest and proud and be who you are', it was too late, and too much damage had already been done.
Maybe I didn't show it outwardly, or even talk about it often, maybe I was good at 'ignoring' it, but not a day went by when I didn't feel inwardly upset, pressured, disappointed in myself, frustrated and angry at myself that I felt like I couldn't be honest about who I was. A lot of the time I would get angry, and deep down, that would be the internal reason why, I would just take it out on the rest of the world rather than stand up and do something about it. I suppose part of me would in a sense, resent FT. She's been through it, she was out the other side. She was braver than me. She had more courage. It wasn't like I wanted her to be going through the daily inner turmoil that I was, I just resented the fact that I wanted our relationship to be perfect, and all the while the world has preconceptions about how relationships should be and gay people have to 'come out', I felt resentful that this is something that can be such a damaging thing to have to do, it was destroying me inside, but straight people never have to face it. It made me angry and upset. It's no excuse, but looking back, I can see that so much of why I was like I was in our relationship was down to that. I wasn't the me I wanted to be. That made me angry, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was scared. She faced the brunt of my anger and frustration about it all. And fundamentally, that played a part in sewing the seeds that destroyed all that we had.
I guess I was never honest about how much it did bother me. As I said, I was good at ignoring it, and putting it off. I suppose I wanted to protect her, she'd already dealt with hers, she didn't need to deal with mine too. And I knew how hers was a bit of a rough time all in all. I didn't want her to have to deal with mine and me if things went in not a good way. I couldn't deal with it myself, but I didn't want her to feel trapped into dealing with mine because we were together. So it seemed easier to ignore it. All the while it destroyed me and made me angry inside. I should have let her in more. I should have told her how I was feeling. Every single day. I should have been honest and told her that no matter how I seemed on the outside, I couldn't and wasn't ignoring it on the inside. I should have been honest that having that constantly over my head was making me angry. At myself, at the world, at everyone. I was constantly scared, and constantly angry, and I felt like all I had was how I felt about her, and how she loved me. How it felt like that was the only thing that was true, and that's why I focused on those feelings of mine and lived for them, because I felt like everything else was killing me. I should have got councelling then. I needed it.
But as much as I hate the fact that I had all the coming out issues to deal with, and how part of me wishes more than anything that I'd dealt with all that before, so we could have seen where things went without the preverbial brick wall in the way before we started, I couldn't have been luckier than to have had FT by my side through it all. The fact that she was my first and that she's my true love and my soulmate means more than I could explain. I'm not sure I could ever have done it without her. It's just completely catch-22 at how something and someone so perfect in my life and that I couldn't have coped without has had to suffer so badly because the pressures of it all.
I suppose knowing all this now gets me nowhere. Now I'm out to my family. I'm out to everyone. And everyone is OK with it. All I can do now is look back and see what a mess I made of it all, and how ultimately I let it destroy everything. So it's all bittersweet. I feel like I was never really myself in our relationship. I was never as 'out and proud' as I ever wanted to be. I never got the opportunity to show FT off to everyone that means anything to me in the capacity that I so badly wanted to. Ironically, it was the wanting to do all that that caused all the anger and bitterness that spelt the end of everything. So you see, it feels like I lost more than just a relationship and a future. I wasn't honest about it all like I so wanted to be, so I've lost far more than anyone could ever imagine. And it's living with that that's the hard part.
Now I resent not having the proper 'chance' that I feel that for two people that 'get on' and connect like we do, really deserved.
As I said, I'm done with predicting the future. I suppose I'm also done with dwelling so completely on the past and destroying myself with what went wrong and how I should have coped with it all.
All I can say I do know is that now, I've learn so much more than I ever felt possible. And I have grown. I've learnt how to be strong, and never to let fear in to the extent that I did in the past. I've learnt not to let it destroy you and those around you. I've learnt never to be ashamed of who you are, and to fight for what you believe in. Deep down, I knew all this before, but I didn't know that fear breeds anger and resentment and destroys anything that is good and you value in life. I just wish I didn't have to lose the one person I'll ever truly love in the process of it all. I'd love nothing more than to start things with FT all over again, knowing about me all that I know now, because I know that things could be so different. But in life you don't have the luxury or pressing rewind and doing it all again, no matter how much you wish for it.
All I can do is take each day at a time, and learn more about myself, and to enjoy being me and be proud of who I am.
As I already said, I spent Friday shopping with my Mum, who had the day off. It was nice to get out and to have a look around, although I didn't find a damn thing to buy! We went to Lakeside and Bluewater, and even with all those shops I came home with nothing. We did have a nice lunch though, and I had the nicest piece of steak I've had in ages! Mmmmm.
On the way over to Lakeside I had a phonecall from FT. She'd woke up having a really bad nightmare, and being in the flat by herself, she was scared and she called me. She gets these really violent nightmares from time to time. To be honest, it scares me that they are so violent and so vivid, it always has done. I suppose I never really thought much of it all the while I was around after she'd had one. I always seemed pretty good at reassuring her and making her feel safe and calm. When she rang on Friday, it was awkward to talk, with my mum bellowing down the phone to her boss on her hands free, so we could hardly hear each other. And I think FT regretted ringing me. I think she felt guilty for leaning on me with it all. I think she felt that I wasn't really interested anymore. She couldn't have been further from the truth. I was glad that she phoned. For once I felt like I was important and I was actually of some use, if I could do anything to make her feel a bit better than she did before she rang. In truth, I don't know if I actually was any good. I was scared, and it dawned on me, perhaps then more than it had before, that I was so far away. Had I been any closer, I guess I'd have felt better myself, like there was more that I could do. Instead, as glad as I was that she phoned me, and let me in, I was upset and frustrated that I couldn't just fix things. I think I helped a bit though. We text each other quite a bit throughout the day, and I think if nothing else, I think I managed to make her laugh and cheer her up quite a bit. So maybe I was of some use? And she rang me later that night, and we had a good chat.
Right now, I think things are going quite well between us all things considered. We're being more open and honest with each other, and we seem to be getting on better because of it. For once she sounded like she genuinely wanted to talk to me, and it was like all those random sort of chats about nothing in particular we used to share in times when we had to be apart before. It was natural and relaxed. I guess that's what I've wanted for us for a while now. I'm not saying everything has run it's course and we're in this place now where things are in a normal equilibrium. I'm not sure that will happen for quite a while, if ever. But I think we are, or at least were Friday night, in a place where we're trying not to focus on what was, what should or could have been, or even what is going or likely to happen in the future. But I think we're in a place of taking things one day at a time, and trying not to predict or expect too much of the other. I could sit here and type this, and say that we had the most wonderful conversation, which we did, and that there was a connection between us that I simply don't ever get with anyone else, which again is true, and if I can read FT like I think I can, then I think that to a certain extent, she thought the same. We both miss each other like mad. That much is abundantly obvious. But trying to read into things. To read into the future, isn't going to do either of us any good. I guess that's where I've changed to how I used to be. I used to be so focused on the future. So intent on making this happen, and that happen. And even when we split up, I was so intent on focusing on how it was all just a step in the future and how we'd end up together further down the line. I'm not seeing it as anything like that anymore. I'm done focusing and predicting what will and won't be. There are certain steps you can't see in life. And it was me not seeing this one while looking so far into the future that led me to fall so hard when I missed the step.
I'm not saying we'll end up back together down the line, and I'm not saying we definetely won't. What I am saying is that we both need to focus on us individually. She needs to focus on her, and I need to focus on me. And if there is something somewhere down the line, then hopefully we'll be sorted and ready as individuals to look forward to it and enjoy it if and when it comes. If not, then hopefully, there is something else in store for us, and equally we can enjoy that if and when it happens too.
I'm still learning. There's a difference between forgetting the present and focusing so hard on a future you want that you fuck it all up and lose it all and enjoying the present and taking small steps to the future so you can enjoy it all as you go and adapt to each step in turn rather than collapsing at every hurdle. I'm trying to reach the second of those two scenarios, and I'm getting there slowly and surely. It's not easy, but I am doing it!
She's coming down to London in a few weeks, and we're arranging to go for dinner. That's as far as my forward planning goes right now. It'll be good to see her, and good to catch up properly. I'm done predicting the future... I'd be a crap clairvoyant, I'd probably be sued for all I'm worth!I'll stick to enjoying the little things in life, which I can so readily forget!
I suppose all this has caused me to do a whole lot of reflecting on me as a person, and how I've handled things and how I handle them now.
And I have changed. Don't get me wrong, fundamentally, I'm still the same person, but in many ways, I have grown, even grown up! I can sit here and list a whole load of regrets that I have, and say how things would have been different if I'd done something about them earlier. But that doesn't do me any good whatsoever. As painful as saying that is. I'm trying to look on them and use them for the future, rather than let them eat me alive.
I suppose my one big regret is the whole 'coming out' issue. I wish more than anything that I'd dealt with all that long before FT ever walked into my life. It put so much of a strain on everything, it never felt like she was pressuring me to deal with it all, it was more of that I felt pressured because I always felt like I was letting her down by not being completely open and honest about who I was. A day never went by when I didn't wish that the whole world knew that I was gay and that she was my lady. I'm ashamed at myself for the way I handled it all, and when I did manage to gather the courage to say to myself 'it doesn't matter anymore who disowns you because you're gay, you can't carry on lying, you have to be honest and proud and be who you are', it was too late, and too much damage had already been done.
Maybe I didn't show it outwardly, or even talk about it often, maybe I was good at 'ignoring' it, but not a day went by when I didn't feel inwardly upset, pressured, disappointed in myself, frustrated and angry at myself that I felt like I couldn't be honest about who I was. A lot of the time I would get angry, and deep down, that would be the internal reason why, I would just take it out on the rest of the world rather than stand up and do something about it. I suppose part of me would in a sense, resent FT. She's been through it, she was out the other side. She was braver than me. She had more courage. It wasn't like I wanted her to be going through the daily inner turmoil that I was, I just resented the fact that I wanted our relationship to be perfect, and all the while the world has preconceptions about how relationships should be and gay people have to 'come out', I felt resentful that this is something that can be such a damaging thing to have to do, it was destroying me inside, but straight people never have to face it. It made me angry and upset. It's no excuse, but looking back, I can see that so much of why I was like I was in our relationship was down to that. I wasn't the me I wanted to be. That made me angry, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was scared. She faced the brunt of my anger and frustration about it all. And fundamentally, that played a part in sewing the seeds that destroyed all that we had.
I guess I was never honest about how much it did bother me. As I said, I was good at ignoring it, and putting it off. I suppose I wanted to protect her, she'd already dealt with hers, she didn't need to deal with mine too. And I knew how hers was a bit of a rough time all in all. I didn't want her to have to deal with mine and me if things went in not a good way. I couldn't deal with it myself, but I didn't want her to feel trapped into dealing with mine because we were together. So it seemed easier to ignore it. All the while it destroyed me and made me angry inside. I should have let her in more. I should have told her how I was feeling. Every single day. I should have been honest and told her that no matter how I seemed on the outside, I couldn't and wasn't ignoring it on the inside. I should have been honest that having that constantly over my head was making me angry. At myself, at the world, at everyone. I was constantly scared, and constantly angry, and I felt like all I had was how I felt about her, and how she loved me. How it felt like that was the only thing that was true, and that's why I focused on those feelings of mine and lived for them, because I felt like everything else was killing me. I should have got councelling then. I needed it.
But as much as I hate the fact that I had all the coming out issues to deal with, and how part of me wishes more than anything that I'd dealt with all that before, so we could have seen where things went without the preverbial brick wall in the way before we started, I couldn't have been luckier than to have had FT by my side through it all. The fact that she was my first and that she's my true love and my soulmate means more than I could explain. I'm not sure I could ever have done it without her. It's just completely catch-22 at how something and someone so perfect in my life and that I couldn't have coped without has had to suffer so badly because the pressures of it all.
I suppose knowing all this now gets me nowhere. Now I'm out to my family. I'm out to everyone. And everyone is OK with it. All I can do now is look back and see what a mess I made of it all, and how ultimately I let it destroy everything. So it's all bittersweet. I feel like I was never really myself in our relationship. I was never as 'out and proud' as I ever wanted to be. I never got the opportunity to show FT off to everyone that means anything to me in the capacity that I so badly wanted to. Ironically, it was the wanting to do all that that caused all the anger and bitterness that spelt the end of everything. So you see, it feels like I lost more than just a relationship and a future. I wasn't honest about it all like I so wanted to be, so I've lost far more than anyone could ever imagine. And it's living with that that's the hard part.
Now I resent not having the proper 'chance' that I feel that for two people that 'get on' and connect like we do, really deserved.
As I said, I'm done with predicting the future. I suppose I'm also done with dwelling so completely on the past and destroying myself with what went wrong and how I should have coped with it all.
All I can say I do know is that now, I've learn so much more than I ever felt possible. And I have grown. I've learnt how to be strong, and never to let fear in to the extent that I did in the past. I've learnt not to let it destroy you and those around you. I've learnt never to be ashamed of who you are, and to fight for what you believe in. Deep down, I knew all this before, but I didn't know that fear breeds anger and resentment and destroys anything that is good and you value in life. I just wish I didn't have to lose the one person I'll ever truly love in the process of it all. I'd love nothing more than to start things with FT all over again, knowing about me all that I know now, because I know that things could be so different. But in life you don't have the luxury or pressing rewind and doing it all again, no matter how much you wish for it.
All I can do is take each day at a time, and learn more about myself, and to enjoy being me and be proud of who I am.
Friday 9 March 2007
Retail Therapy
I'd like to admit that there was such a thing as retail therapy, although with two shopping centres down and still nothing bought, It didn't quite work like that!
I am absolutely shattered, so this post is going to be short and sweet, and I'll cover things properly in my next post when I have some more time, but I wanted to post something to fund my daily progress of things!
I did end up trying on a couple of nice pairs of trousers, which I thought were really nice. However, neither seemed to fit properly! One pair was like a size too big, although they were a size 16, and they didn't have the next size down. And the other pair fitted better, but hung funny in the groin region! So I seem to be somewhere between a size 14 and a 16 in the lower regions, which is like the smallest I've been in a long while! And I've not even been trying!
So this has given me some motivation to look after myself and do something about it properly in the hope of getting to look rather good out of it all! So in that sense, I'm feeling quite positive!
The top half however is restricted in its clothes size due to the presence of breasts! Which I'm not complaing about, as my breasts are probably my best asset.
I'm hoping for an hour-glass figure! So prepare for the fitness and healthy eating routine to make myself look good!
Hows that for positivity?!
Well, as I said... the proper update will be when I'm less tired and have more time! But I thought it was a good idea to post when I was actually feeling good for a change! :)
I am absolutely shattered, so this post is going to be short and sweet, and I'll cover things properly in my next post when I have some more time, but I wanted to post something to fund my daily progress of things!
I did end up trying on a couple of nice pairs of trousers, which I thought were really nice. However, neither seemed to fit properly! One pair was like a size too big, although they were a size 16, and they didn't have the next size down. And the other pair fitted better, but hung funny in the groin region! So I seem to be somewhere between a size 14 and a 16 in the lower regions, which is like the smallest I've been in a long while! And I've not even been trying!
So this has given me some motivation to look after myself and do something about it properly in the hope of getting to look rather good out of it all! So in that sense, I'm feeling quite positive!
The top half however is restricted in its clothes size due to the presence of breasts! Which I'm not complaing about, as my breasts are probably my best asset.
I'm hoping for an hour-glass figure! So prepare for the fitness and healthy eating routine to make myself look good!
Hows that for positivity?!
Well, as I said... the proper update will be when I'm less tired and have more time! But I thought it was a good idea to post when I was actually feeling good for a change! :)
Thursday 8 March 2007
Something To Be Said For A Scapegoat
Am I the only person on the planet that thinks the word 'scapegoat' is a really strange word? I know the meaning of it all, and how it refers to a person who generally accepts blame or responsibility for an event whether it was their fault or not, but I just think it's a peculiar word.
I find myself a scapegoat for many things. And I'm not shy to stand up and accept responsibility or my portion of blame for a certain event, which probably makes my characteristics ideal for a scapegoat. As I said before... it's a crazy world is this!
I spoke to FT last night. It was like the first time for getting on for 3 weeks. I know many people think it was probably the wrong thing to do, and that I should have left it a while longer. But as always, I did what I felt was right at the time. I come on here day after day and in my roundabout ways mention how much I miss her. And that doesn't get any easier. All I've been feeling over these many weeks is that I just wanted to be noticed. To be a part of her life, and not to be switched off as though I didn't exist without a care in the world. That's how it's felt. And the times she's emailed me, or texted me, or tried calling me, and I've done my bit, I've kept my distance. I was scared of being picked up and put down when it felt right for her, and to have her back away 100 miles an hour if I tried to intervene at a time when she wanted space. That's the kind of rejection I felt the last time we spoke on the phone, and before I knew it, that night I ended up taking a gut-full of pills and preying I didn't wake up the next morning.
So I was scared as hell yesterday when we were chatting on good old MSN and she said she wanted to talk to me on the phone. Part of me wanted to jump up, grab my phone and dial her number, and the other part wanted to run into a corner close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and pretend all this wasn't happening. I didn't know if I could handle it. I didn't know what FT I was going to get. Whether it'd be the one that I know inside out, and I know deep down, who is open and honest, and isn't afraid of me or herself or how she feels, or whether it'd be the cooler FT that will do anything to make sure she survives and completely isn't herself. That's the one that kills me, and I wasn't sure if I could cope with that again.
I've heard so much lately about how I need to see her for who she really is, and see it as a lucky escape and move on, when the FT I know deep down is someone completely different, I guess I needed to know whether my heart and soul were playing tricks with me.
After nearly 3 weeks, we had the most wonderful conversation. We chatted about random things. No one thing in particular, but it was nice just for once to feel like she genuinely wanted to talk to me, which is something I've not felt for such a long while. And I guess in very many ways, it's done me the world of good. And not because it being a case of putting all my energies into one person like so many people think I'm doing. But because it confirmed for me that what my heart and soul know to be true really is the real FT. That is the woman I fell deeply in love with, and no, it wasn't a great big lie. Relationship or no relationship, there is still a bond and a connection there. And I guess if nothing else, I learned that I don't have to feel as though I'm going completely insane, imagining that is there, or that it's important, because, for the first time in a long time, it really felt like it still is.
She may not be in love with me, but she still loves me, and for the first time in a long ling time, I actually felt that, and I really believed that she missed me. And that in itself proves everything isn't a lie.
My feelings for her on the other hand have never changed. And I don't think they ever will. I love her, I'm in love with her, and I miss her like hell. But I don't want to be a prisoner to my feelings anymore. Which I feel like I was for the 2 years of our relationship. Looking back, I can see that now, and I was so hell bent on holding on to her and making her feel like there was no one in the world that could ever feel for her the same way I did, that I lost sight of so much, and I didn't let my feelings speak for themselves. I'm having to learn to not be a prisoner to how I feel, if I do, then I kill myself today because I'm so full of regret, sorrow and hate for myself at how it all went wrong.
So now my aim is to let my feeling speak for themselves, and to trust them. To live my life around my feelings, and not through them. Who knows, I may end up with a little more sanity to boot if I manage it!
Did anyone watch the programme on 'The Truth About Size Zero' with Louise Redknapp last night? That was the hilight of my evening viewing. I cannot understand why people would want to be so tiny! I mean, the whole Nicole Ritchie debate, and if you can see bones through the skin, it is just wrong! Does anyone even find that attractive? I mean, I like my woman with a bit of meat on her! One of the things I love most about FT was her gorgeous body and her luscious curves. Skinny women are just a huge turn off.
This programme was brilliant though. It started off with Louise Redknapp looking very nice, although still in my opinion, tiny at a size 8, with 32D breasts (although they never looked like a D cup to me), going through this commando like workout for over an hour a day, eating fist size portions of salad or vegetables (now I'm proud to say my hands are fairly big for a woman, but even I would die with a fist size portion) and it was just wrong! I mean, I could do with losing a few pounds, and I get grouchy when I'm hungry, but this diet was just horrendous. She was constantly hungry, constantly irritable, and even had severe stomach cramps and was sick. All to try and shrink down to a size 0, or UK size 4 in just 30 days. She managed it, and by the end her breasts had shrunk to a 32B. But her BMI was like 17.6 and she was boarderline anorexic.
And she took the challenge on as a way of trying to discourage people to go down the road of crash dieting. And boy, as far as I'm concerned, it worked! I have no desire to lose any cup sizes from my breasts... I like my DDs! But apart from that, on a much more serious note, watching someone half kill themself on a TV programme just to try and show the dangers is enough to convince me! The doctor had said, from the weight she lost, it was like 60% fat, but 40% lost was muscle. And let me reitterate... she was tiny anyway! And then there are issues when you eat 'normally' to put the weight back on, in that you have to be careful and have it monitored so you don't put all the weight back on as fat and you rebuild the muscle you lost.
It is just crazy! For anyone who can, please go and track this programme down, and show it to as many people as you can! We need something to deter people from such radical crash diets, there is no beauty in starving yourself to death!
And always remember... luscious curves are very sexy, and for anyone that thinks otherwise, go and see a shrink ASAP!
I find myself a scapegoat for many things. And I'm not shy to stand up and accept responsibility or my portion of blame for a certain event, which probably makes my characteristics ideal for a scapegoat. As I said before... it's a crazy world is this!
I spoke to FT last night. It was like the first time for getting on for 3 weeks. I know many people think it was probably the wrong thing to do, and that I should have left it a while longer. But as always, I did what I felt was right at the time. I come on here day after day and in my roundabout ways mention how much I miss her. And that doesn't get any easier. All I've been feeling over these many weeks is that I just wanted to be noticed. To be a part of her life, and not to be switched off as though I didn't exist without a care in the world. That's how it's felt. And the times she's emailed me, or texted me, or tried calling me, and I've done my bit, I've kept my distance. I was scared of being picked up and put down when it felt right for her, and to have her back away 100 miles an hour if I tried to intervene at a time when she wanted space. That's the kind of rejection I felt the last time we spoke on the phone, and before I knew it, that night I ended up taking a gut-full of pills and preying I didn't wake up the next morning.
So I was scared as hell yesterday when we were chatting on good old MSN and she said she wanted to talk to me on the phone. Part of me wanted to jump up, grab my phone and dial her number, and the other part wanted to run into a corner close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and pretend all this wasn't happening. I didn't know if I could handle it. I didn't know what FT I was going to get. Whether it'd be the one that I know inside out, and I know deep down, who is open and honest, and isn't afraid of me or herself or how she feels, or whether it'd be the cooler FT that will do anything to make sure she survives and completely isn't herself. That's the one that kills me, and I wasn't sure if I could cope with that again.
I've heard so much lately about how I need to see her for who she really is, and see it as a lucky escape and move on, when the FT I know deep down is someone completely different, I guess I needed to know whether my heart and soul were playing tricks with me.
After nearly 3 weeks, we had the most wonderful conversation. We chatted about random things. No one thing in particular, but it was nice just for once to feel like she genuinely wanted to talk to me, which is something I've not felt for such a long while. And I guess in very many ways, it's done me the world of good. And not because it being a case of putting all my energies into one person like so many people think I'm doing. But because it confirmed for me that what my heart and soul know to be true really is the real FT. That is the woman I fell deeply in love with, and no, it wasn't a great big lie. Relationship or no relationship, there is still a bond and a connection there. And I guess if nothing else, I learned that I don't have to feel as though I'm going completely insane, imagining that is there, or that it's important, because, for the first time in a long time, it really felt like it still is.
She may not be in love with me, but she still loves me, and for the first time in a long ling time, I actually felt that, and I really believed that she missed me. And that in itself proves everything isn't a lie.
My feelings for her on the other hand have never changed. And I don't think they ever will. I love her, I'm in love with her, and I miss her like hell. But I don't want to be a prisoner to my feelings anymore. Which I feel like I was for the 2 years of our relationship. Looking back, I can see that now, and I was so hell bent on holding on to her and making her feel like there was no one in the world that could ever feel for her the same way I did, that I lost sight of so much, and I didn't let my feelings speak for themselves. I'm having to learn to not be a prisoner to how I feel, if I do, then I kill myself today because I'm so full of regret, sorrow and hate for myself at how it all went wrong.
So now my aim is to let my feeling speak for themselves, and to trust them. To live my life around my feelings, and not through them. Who knows, I may end up with a little more sanity to boot if I manage it!
Did anyone watch the programme on 'The Truth About Size Zero' with Louise Redknapp last night? That was the hilight of my evening viewing. I cannot understand why people would want to be so tiny! I mean, the whole Nicole Ritchie debate, and if you can see bones through the skin, it is just wrong! Does anyone even find that attractive? I mean, I like my woman with a bit of meat on her! One of the things I love most about FT was her gorgeous body and her luscious curves. Skinny women are just a huge turn off.
This programme was brilliant though. It started off with Louise Redknapp looking very nice, although still in my opinion, tiny at a size 8, with 32D breasts (although they never looked like a D cup to me), going through this commando like workout for over an hour a day, eating fist size portions of salad or vegetables (now I'm proud to say my hands are fairly big for a woman, but even I would die with a fist size portion) and it was just wrong! I mean, I could do with losing a few pounds, and I get grouchy when I'm hungry, but this diet was just horrendous. She was constantly hungry, constantly irritable, and even had severe stomach cramps and was sick. All to try and shrink down to a size 0, or UK size 4 in just 30 days. She managed it, and by the end her breasts had shrunk to a 32B. But her BMI was like 17.6 and she was boarderline anorexic.
And she took the challenge on as a way of trying to discourage people to go down the road of crash dieting. And boy, as far as I'm concerned, it worked! I have no desire to lose any cup sizes from my breasts... I like my DDs! But apart from that, on a much more serious note, watching someone half kill themself on a TV programme just to try and show the dangers is enough to convince me! The doctor had said, from the weight she lost, it was like 60% fat, but 40% lost was muscle. And let me reitterate... she was tiny anyway! And then there are issues when you eat 'normally' to put the weight back on, in that you have to be careful and have it monitored so you don't put all the weight back on as fat and you rebuild the muscle you lost.
It is just crazy! For anyone who can, please go and track this programme down, and show it to as many people as you can! We need something to deter people from such radical crash diets, there is no beauty in starving yourself to death!
And always remember... luscious curves are very sexy, and for anyone that thinks otherwise, go and see a shrink ASAP!
Wednesday 7 March 2007
Nothing Much
That pretty much sums it all up right now. I've been doing 'nothing much' all day. Hence there is nothing particularly exciting to report on today.
I took another Nytol last night to aid the sleep. I succumbed to the pressure of just wanting one good uninterrupted night's sleep! I am seriously starting to panic about this sleep thing though. It seems like night is the worst time in the world to try and switch that damn brain of mine off and it runs in super overdrive. Then it's as much as I can do to stop the stupidity coming out!
I did however have a lie in this morning, it was getting on for 11am when I got up. I think it made me feel more refreshed, although I always tend to feel drowsy the next day after taking a Nytol, so it's bittersweet really.
I've had a bugger of a headache all day too, which just won't go. So so much for a relaxing day!
I've purposely been doing not much, just catching up on emails, and replying to blog comments and so forth. As well as watching some television. So I've just been loafing about. As I said, nothing too exciting!
As we speak, I am also venturing on MSN for the first time in many weeks, just to let the world know I'm still around!
I just wish I could feel less tired and drained all the time, I think then I'd be able to manage the harder tasks of getting on with something more productive like proper job hunting and so forth. Rather than getting frustrated! Pick thy self up and move woman! Move!!!
Ooh, I did have a rather exciting letter from my friend Dora today, which was great to receive! And she made me smile muchly, as we've not been in touch for a few weeks! So 'thank you hun', your words were greatly appreciated! And nice hand-writing by the way!
I think I'm goingto just spend the remainder of my afternoon loafing around, and opting to start some serious job hunting properly tomorrow.
Watch this space!!!!
Oh, and go by a spineless yucca!!! :P
I took another Nytol last night to aid the sleep. I succumbed to the pressure of just wanting one good uninterrupted night's sleep! I am seriously starting to panic about this sleep thing though. It seems like night is the worst time in the world to try and switch that damn brain of mine off and it runs in super overdrive. Then it's as much as I can do to stop the stupidity coming out!
I did however have a lie in this morning, it was getting on for 11am when I got up. I think it made me feel more refreshed, although I always tend to feel drowsy the next day after taking a Nytol, so it's bittersweet really.
I've had a bugger of a headache all day too, which just won't go. So so much for a relaxing day!
I've purposely been doing not much, just catching up on emails, and replying to blog comments and so forth. As well as watching some television. So I've just been loafing about. As I said, nothing too exciting!
As we speak, I am also venturing on MSN for the first time in many weeks, just to let the world know I'm still around!
I just wish I could feel less tired and drained all the time, I think then I'd be able to manage the harder tasks of getting on with something more productive like proper job hunting and so forth. Rather than getting frustrated! Pick thy self up and move woman! Move!!!
Ooh, I did have a rather exciting letter from my friend Dora today, which was great to receive! And she made me smile muchly, as we've not been in touch for a few weeks! So 'thank you hun', your words were greatly appreciated! And nice hand-writing by the way!
I think I'm goingto just spend the remainder of my afternoon loafing around, and opting to start some serious job hunting properly tomorrow.
Watch this space!!!!
Oh, and go by a spineless yucca!!! :P
Tuesday 6 March 2007
A Spineless Yucca!
I couldn't resist that as a post title... it almost sounds like a rude insult of some sorts, when alas, it is just the species of my plant!
Yep, I did it!
Trust a suicidal depressive to get so excited about such random things, but I actually went out and bought my plant I've been wittering on about for so long now! I have some issues with it though. Firstly, it's not quite as big as the one I initially wanted. Homebase here didn't have the bigger ones in, but then I thought that maybe that was OK, as at least then I could fit it in my lowly old Ford Focus without killing it on the ride home, and that maybe smaller would be better for my old room at my parent's house. Bearing in mind that's where it is living, because we have 3 cats, one of which was trying to munch on plant leaves as soon as I brought it in the door!
It doesn't actually go with the decor of my old room, as you can see from the picture. I opted for a nice brown ribbed plant pot. My main reasoning behind this, was that it allowed me, or at least gave me scope for some positive lateral thinking!
You see, I don't intend to be residing with my parents forever, hopefully not too much longer, and when I do get a place of my own, I'm aiming for my lovely ole spineless yucca to move into a lounge or hallway, where my own decor will be of neutral, natural colours, like browns and creams etc, so he'll look just perfect then.
That was as much positivity and forward thinking as I could muster. But at least it's a start!
I've been sleeping better the past couple of nights. I think absolute exhaustion is catching up with me. I do still have problems of waking up in the night and then not being able to get back to sleep. I was hoping my weekend in Cardiff would cure the sleeping problems, or at least enable me to catch up, but I spent most of the nights up into the early hours listening to my iPod through not being able to sleep. So it didn't quite work out like that.
I am fairly exhausted though, which I think is why the past couple of nights I've managed to get a good few hours. I must confess to taking a Nytol sleeping aid on Sunday night though, which again is something as a scientist and a supposedly intelligent person, I'm trying to ween myself off because I've got through something like 3 boxes in as many weeks, still struggling to get some proper shut eye. I don't want to become dependent on them, which is as well as to why I've started these plant drops.
I don't like the idea of the doctor putting me on sleeping medication, as some of those can affect your mental state and cause memory loss, which is not something I'm looking for, especially as knowing my luck it'll depelete all my good memories and leave me with all the shitty ones. That and I really don't want to start getting addicted to medication.
Another reason for my not going down the road of proper anti-depressants... my brain chemistry is complex and interfered with enough thank you, without me taking drugs to amplify various neurotransmitters and act as 'happy pills'. Thanks but no thanks... my brain chemistry screwed itself into this depressed state, and it can damn well unscrew itself out of it because I no way want to be addicted to pills to make me feel happy right now.
Maybe I'm being stupid and just accept the help that is available? Maybe it's something within me. Maybe I'm just scared as I've never really had to take hardcore medication before? But mentally, I just feel like I need to find my way out of this hole right now, for me. I need to find a way to survive, without taking anything to do it.
And if I fail, what happens then? Well, true to form, as a scientist, I'll have to agree with Herbert Spencer's theory of 'survival of the fittest' and accept it for what it is. That's me all over... 'live by the sword, die by the sword'.
As I said, right now, I'm taking things a day at a time, and I'm doing things my way. There may be a million people out there screaming 'get over it', or 'snap out of it' or people wanting to slap me round the face and get me to wake up and smell the coffee, but I'm just being me, and doing all that I can, without compromising who I am or all that I believe in and stand for. That is all I'm saying.
Many things happen to people that change their views on a situation, or on a person, and they do it to survive, in whatever way they can best. They run away, or avoid it, or confront it, or stand against it. It can be a bit like 'an eye for an eye' theory. I don't work like that. And I refuse to change who I am and what I stand for. For example, I can't understand right now the way things are with FT and me. I can't understand how you can go from being so close to a person and wanting to share yourself with them (and I'm not just meaning in a sexual sense, but more a friend sense), to having to distance yourself. I can't understand that, and I can't understand her reasonings for it all. To me, it's like she's not the person I fell in love with and honour and care for and respect anymore. But there is nothing I can do about that. I can't tell you how many people have gone down the 'it's her loss, she'd the idiot for shutting you out, screw her over, to hell with her and move on', because that's what people do at the end of relationships. I'm not like that. I can't understand that point of view. Yes, I am very hurt and very angry about the whole thing. It hurts more than being dumped, because it is like I am now nothing and everything I ever trusted and believed in was a complete and utter lie. Yes, I suppose I am bitter. But I don't feel that you have to change your outlook on a situation and effectively compromise your biological inbuilt foundations under the guise of moving on or getting over it. I've seen people end relationships where they've gone down that road and called the other person a 'bitch' and done all that they could to screw them over and make their life a misery. And to the outseide world, it looks like they get over the whole situation faster and move on quicker and more successfully. But they are the ones that have to go to bed at night, with their internal feelings and deal with how they really feel. And I guess I'm just to honest to kid myself or lie to myself in that way. And it makes for a bit of a mess.
I suppose we all have to deal with it at some point - no situation is ever really cut and dry to the point of feeling entirely certain that something is the case. There are mental doubts and 'good conscience, bad conscience' scenarios about every situation we have to face. Some people are just better at blocking out what they want to at the time than others. God, it's obvious I'm a Libra isn't it?!
If I've learnt anything at all in my life, it's that for me, I have to embrace everything that I feel and think, and not just puch it to the side to convince myself that something is the right thing to do. It is in no way the easiest option, not by a long chalk, but it makes for far fewer regrets in the long run.
And still, if in doubt or depressed... buy a spineless yucca plant! They are very pretty, and may even make you smile in the darkest of days... I'm still holding out my hopes!
Monday 5 March 2007
Ode To Stupidity
I know it's been a while since I posted. There have been many many reasons for that. One of which being not knowing whether to share or not to share, where to draw the line, how to share. But basically, I've been in no frame of mind, or place to do anything.
I've thought long and hard about this post. Every part of my being tells me that I shouldn't post it. But I started this as an honest blog, as a means to express myself. Where I could be me, and for it to be something of me that no one could take away. If I omit things, then what does it turn into, if not a fable of amusement for the rest of the world to procrastinate their life away to? I don't want it to be a fable. It's about me. all of mt thoughts and feelings, not just those I think will make interesting reading, or not just those I'm not ashamed of.
That, and I think in many a sense, this is or if not now, will be an important step for me to look back on for times to come. And I sure as hell don't ever want to forget this, because if I do, then who knows where I'll end up.
So it's a post not aimed to be judged by the rest of the world, although goodness knows it probably will be. It's not a post aimed as a dig at anyone else in the world. It's about me, and how I feel about myself. It's a post I hope will be aimed as a slap round the face for me in times to come. So here goes:
Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, or coping, or at least managing to hold my own somewhat, I just keep feeling as though I keep falling lower and lower. I guess the real problem is that I can't escape myself, or my own head. I'm not one of these people who can put on a face or an act to get me through. I think I'm just born to honest for that. Everything I think, do and say comes from the heart and soul deep within, even if the head does interfere with it a little from time to time.
I suppose my real conflict comes when other people behave in a way that I see as alien for them. Do things that I've never known or expected before. Like when one of my school friends Lou went to New Zealand (NZ) for a year, and went sky diving and bungee jumping after saying she'd never do it, and the first I heard was when I received an emailed picture. She didn't tell me because she knew I'd react badly amid fears for her safety. That process in itself shook me because it felt like the person I knew was something else, and it felt like what I knew was a lie. Particularly because it wasn't a gradual change, it was a sudden thing.
I suppose things are similar with FT. In fact, it feels for certain that things are similar with FT. My head can't deal. I can't make it deal, or catch up quick enough, and I can't explain where it leaves me. Many people look in at it and think of it as just another relationship. But there's nothing I can do to try and convey the connection we shared. I don't pretend it was anything different, but I can't explain it as it was. It's something that only she and I could ever fully understand. So to try and explain to the world looking in just how much mental homeostasis has been unbalanced with the way things are now compared to how they were then, they just see it as 'any old relationship'. And then they wonder why I can't open up to them. I don't see the point in missing things out, or playing it down, it'd make me crack up in the long run, as it's like living my life as a lie.
The hard part now, is that I feel like the whole thing was a lie. And I'm really starting to which the past two years had never happened. In some ways it feels like it never did. It feels like everything I ever felt, believed in and trusted was never there. All the while my heart and soul are still in the same place they always were.
It seems like she and I are fucntioning off different musical scores at the moment. She seems fine for playing it down and doing anything and everything to forget it, at whatever cost, whereas I can't work like that. So it makes me feel like everything we ever said we felt, and that we'd do for each other, was nothing more than a lie. And I feel like the biggest fool in the world. What was my crime? Admittedly I wasn't without my faults, but my only crime was to be honest and love so deeply and unconditionally.
So now I just end up feeling like a worthless piece of shit.
So I 'need' something from her that she can't give right now. What's that then? Apart from what we said would always be there no matter what, even after we broke up. Someone that would always be there to listen, to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, because we 'understood' each other like no one else ever could. Maybe that's her problem, maybe that's what she's scared of, because I know her so well, and that's not the FT she wants to be right now? I don't know.
Mentally all I could ascertain is that the FT I fell so deeply in love with. The FT I put all of my trust in. The FT I shared all of my thoughts and feelings, both good and bad, brave and scared, is doing all that she can to forget me and survive. Like I don't matter.
'But that's how relationships work honey'. That's all I ever get! So I'm a fucking fool for thinking it was anything more than just a piss poor attempt at a relationship am I? I'm a fool for thinking it was more than that. I'm a fool for letting her in. I'm a fool for following what was in my heart at a time when I didn't know what the hell was going on. I'm a fool for not staying in denial and convincing myself that I was straight. Hell, if I'd known I'd end up here now, I would have done! I'm not the Fanatical fantasist who can change her thoughts, beliefs, feelings, points of view to fit with some idea of settling for what seems like a good alternative. I can't live my life telling the world she is the one for me, my soulmate and my life, and swinging from the chandaliers one minute, to drowing in sorrow at my loss and telling the world of my pain the next, to getting angry at her the next and telling the world I don't care what happens to her or who or what she loses, so long as she hurts like me and feels this kind of pain, to living a fantasy life where I escape the chrardes of my day on the internet convincing myself that it's ok because I need not be afraid of my sexuality on a computer or over a phone, then latching on to the next who I feel that would serve as a good tortoise to carry my shell of an existance, all the while alienating any 'real' person I come into contact with, and pinning all my hopes of happiness on the next available entity that shows any interest or seems to care about me when I'm at my lowest.
I'm not like that, I can't live a lie or a charade. And because what I experienced was the whole all consuming true love, and I didn't have to pretend it was. Even at 24, I feel a bit long in the tooth to convince myself that kid my way into a shallow form of happiness.
Therein lies the rub that in that sense, I'm not a survivor. Which is strange, as I always thought I'd survive quite well in a little fantasy bubble. Apparently not. I've had enough opportunity to create my own one these past months. I suppose I'm too honest to.
So the way things have gone, and things that are happening led me to do something very stupid. People keep saying to me that you can't let one person have so much power over you. But it's not like that. It's not her power, it's mine. I am the one that cannot deal with, or come to terms with the things that are going on right now.
All because I can't pretend or kid my way into something else, and I'm too honest and love to much to get mad and angry like those around me and admit that she played me and used me, and when I'd expended my usefulness got well rid as far as she could, whatever the consequences to the person you convinced you would never let down. That's how everyone else views it.
I don't see her like that. But I felt like I couldn't carry on as though I was nothing. My fundamental problems with the flaws in my life were this:
My degree leads me nowhere directly, and I have no idea what career I want to do with my life, or how to go about doing it. My head and my heart are still in love, and the person that holds the key to my heart couldn't push me any further away if she wanted to, while I have to sit back and watch the rest of the world be let in. When I feel like my only crime was to love and to share. I had all these big plans about travelling. Something which we wanted to do together, and even after we broke up she said we'd still go and see the world together as there was 'no one else she would want to do it with more', but she's going on a 21st birthday jaunt to New York without me, something we'd always planned to do together, and I can't understand how you wouldn't want someone you care about around for an important occasion.
All this, and I'm still trying to convince myself that she does love me like she says she does, and she really does care, while the rest of the world tell me I'm being played. I just don't know anything anymore.
I lay downstairs late into the night, I couldn't sleep. All this running through and through my head. All I wanted was to talk to her, just to feel like she cared, like she keeps telling me she does. I can't make that happen. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel like someone I love and care about cares back. I'd tried everything. Living with the pain and the turmoil. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I'd reached my lowest point. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I didn't want another day or night or wondering if she cared, and if she did, why did it have to be like this?
I don't know how many I took, Two, three strips I think. I can't remember. I just remember lying there listening to the clock chime, and then feeling very very sick after a while. I went to the toilet and threw up until my stomach hurt. I felt so ill. I think the only thing that made me stop was the thought of my mum coming down to find me in the morning. I didn't want to put her through that.
God knows if it was just me, then I wouldn't be here to post this right now. I think about others too much, that's my big problem, and it always has been.
I'd love to say I'm alright now, and back to full sanity. But I can't. I don't lie. Hell, I make no bones about not wanting to be part of this world, or of whatever future the over-ruling power has in store for me. None of it is what I want, and I don't believe in settling for second best. I'd rather give up gracefully. I don't do anti-depressants, although I'm thinking I may have to relent soon. I'm taking herbal drops, which help a bit, and I'm trying to surround myself with people who care about me. Not that collectively they make up for the feeling that FT doesn't care, it doesn't even come close. But right now, it's that or nothing. And I don't want to hurt anyone.
I went to Cardiff for the weekend. It was a bit of a mercy mission. Not knowing what to do, or who to turn to, I phoned Lou and pretty much begged if I could come and see her soon. The shere nerve with it being 14 months since we last saw each other. But to be fair to her, she was brilliant. She was there for me, and gave me space to do my own thing, and made sure I had people around, even though I was quiet and didn't really open up or say anything. It was just good to get out of my life for a bit.
And I also contacted an old housemate, the famous 'Doctor T', and she even replied!!! We've arranged to go for dinner in a week's time, and she even phoned me up and invited me over, which is an offer I'd have accepted if I hadn't been 150 miles away in Wales at the time.
On the other hand, I've got other people at the end of their teather with me. Doofus is one in particular. She seems to be taking the 'snap out of it' routine now, and says I should quit moping and wallowing. Maybe I am moping and wallowing, but it's because I can't understand the way things are. The scientist in me has a quest for knowledge and needs to know how things work. Without rational understanding, there are things I can't accept. There are things that just hurt too much. And because I'm not the 'call her a bitch and tear a strip off cos you're better than that' kinda person, she feels I am moping. Apparently it's becoming 'hard to be my friend'.
Which is ironic, because it just seems like more amunition in the 'kill myself' pot!
I'm going to buy a plant today. I hope that might help. My new motto in life: if you can't get what you want out of life... buy a plant... at least it'll look pretty!'
I've thought long and hard about this post. Every part of my being tells me that I shouldn't post it. But I started this as an honest blog, as a means to express myself. Where I could be me, and for it to be something of me that no one could take away. If I omit things, then what does it turn into, if not a fable of amusement for the rest of the world to procrastinate their life away to? I don't want it to be a fable. It's about me. all of mt thoughts and feelings, not just those I think will make interesting reading, or not just those I'm not ashamed of.
That, and I think in many a sense, this is or if not now, will be an important step for me to look back on for times to come. And I sure as hell don't ever want to forget this, because if I do, then who knows where I'll end up.
So it's a post not aimed to be judged by the rest of the world, although goodness knows it probably will be. It's not a post aimed as a dig at anyone else in the world. It's about me, and how I feel about myself. It's a post I hope will be aimed as a slap round the face for me in times to come. So here goes:
Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, or coping, or at least managing to hold my own somewhat, I just keep feeling as though I keep falling lower and lower. I guess the real problem is that I can't escape myself, or my own head. I'm not one of these people who can put on a face or an act to get me through. I think I'm just born to honest for that. Everything I think, do and say comes from the heart and soul deep within, even if the head does interfere with it a little from time to time.
I suppose my real conflict comes when other people behave in a way that I see as alien for them. Do things that I've never known or expected before. Like when one of my school friends Lou went to New Zealand (NZ) for a year, and went sky diving and bungee jumping after saying she'd never do it, and the first I heard was when I received an emailed picture. She didn't tell me because she knew I'd react badly amid fears for her safety. That process in itself shook me because it felt like the person I knew was something else, and it felt like what I knew was a lie. Particularly because it wasn't a gradual change, it was a sudden thing.
I suppose things are similar with FT. In fact, it feels for certain that things are similar with FT. My head can't deal. I can't make it deal, or catch up quick enough, and I can't explain where it leaves me. Many people look in at it and think of it as just another relationship. But there's nothing I can do to try and convey the connection we shared. I don't pretend it was anything different, but I can't explain it as it was. It's something that only she and I could ever fully understand. So to try and explain to the world looking in just how much mental homeostasis has been unbalanced with the way things are now compared to how they were then, they just see it as 'any old relationship'. And then they wonder why I can't open up to them. I don't see the point in missing things out, or playing it down, it'd make me crack up in the long run, as it's like living my life as a lie.
The hard part now, is that I feel like the whole thing was a lie. And I'm really starting to which the past two years had never happened. In some ways it feels like it never did. It feels like everything I ever felt, believed in and trusted was never there. All the while my heart and soul are still in the same place they always were.
It seems like she and I are fucntioning off different musical scores at the moment. She seems fine for playing it down and doing anything and everything to forget it, at whatever cost, whereas I can't work like that. So it makes me feel like everything we ever said we felt, and that we'd do for each other, was nothing more than a lie. And I feel like the biggest fool in the world. What was my crime? Admittedly I wasn't without my faults, but my only crime was to be honest and love so deeply and unconditionally.
So now I just end up feeling like a worthless piece of shit.
So I 'need' something from her that she can't give right now. What's that then? Apart from what we said would always be there no matter what, even after we broke up. Someone that would always be there to listen, to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, because we 'understood' each other like no one else ever could. Maybe that's her problem, maybe that's what she's scared of, because I know her so well, and that's not the FT she wants to be right now? I don't know.
Mentally all I could ascertain is that the FT I fell so deeply in love with. The FT I put all of my trust in. The FT I shared all of my thoughts and feelings, both good and bad, brave and scared, is doing all that she can to forget me and survive. Like I don't matter.
'But that's how relationships work honey'. That's all I ever get! So I'm a fucking fool for thinking it was anything more than just a piss poor attempt at a relationship am I? I'm a fool for thinking it was more than that. I'm a fool for letting her in. I'm a fool for following what was in my heart at a time when I didn't know what the hell was going on. I'm a fool for not staying in denial and convincing myself that I was straight. Hell, if I'd known I'd end up here now, I would have done! I'm not the Fanatical fantasist who can change her thoughts, beliefs, feelings, points of view to fit with some idea of settling for what seems like a good alternative. I can't live my life telling the world she is the one for me, my soulmate and my life, and swinging from the chandaliers one minute, to drowing in sorrow at my loss and telling the world of my pain the next, to getting angry at her the next and telling the world I don't care what happens to her or who or what she loses, so long as she hurts like me and feels this kind of pain, to living a fantasy life where I escape the chrardes of my day on the internet convincing myself that it's ok because I need not be afraid of my sexuality on a computer or over a phone, then latching on to the next who I feel that would serve as a good tortoise to carry my shell of an existance, all the while alienating any 'real' person I come into contact with, and pinning all my hopes of happiness on the next available entity that shows any interest or seems to care about me when I'm at my lowest.
I'm not like that, I can't live a lie or a charade. And because what I experienced was the whole all consuming true love, and I didn't have to pretend it was. Even at 24, I feel a bit long in the tooth to convince myself that kid my way into a shallow form of happiness.
Therein lies the rub that in that sense, I'm not a survivor. Which is strange, as I always thought I'd survive quite well in a little fantasy bubble. Apparently not. I've had enough opportunity to create my own one these past months. I suppose I'm too honest to.
So the way things have gone, and things that are happening led me to do something very stupid. People keep saying to me that you can't let one person have so much power over you. But it's not like that. It's not her power, it's mine. I am the one that cannot deal with, or come to terms with the things that are going on right now.
All because I can't pretend or kid my way into something else, and I'm too honest and love to much to get mad and angry like those around me and admit that she played me and used me, and when I'd expended my usefulness got well rid as far as she could, whatever the consequences to the person you convinced you would never let down. That's how everyone else views it.
I don't see her like that. But I felt like I couldn't carry on as though I was nothing. My fundamental problems with the flaws in my life were this:
My degree leads me nowhere directly, and I have no idea what career I want to do with my life, or how to go about doing it. My head and my heart are still in love, and the person that holds the key to my heart couldn't push me any further away if she wanted to, while I have to sit back and watch the rest of the world be let in. When I feel like my only crime was to love and to share. I had all these big plans about travelling. Something which we wanted to do together, and even after we broke up she said we'd still go and see the world together as there was 'no one else she would want to do it with more', but she's going on a 21st birthday jaunt to New York without me, something we'd always planned to do together, and I can't understand how you wouldn't want someone you care about around for an important occasion.
All this, and I'm still trying to convince myself that she does love me like she says she does, and she really does care, while the rest of the world tell me I'm being played. I just don't know anything anymore.
I lay downstairs late into the night, I couldn't sleep. All this running through and through my head. All I wanted was to talk to her, just to feel like she cared, like she keeps telling me she does. I can't make that happen. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel like someone I love and care about cares back. I'd tried everything. Living with the pain and the turmoil. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I'd reached my lowest point. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I didn't want another day or night or wondering if she cared, and if she did, why did it have to be like this?
I don't know how many I took, Two, three strips I think. I can't remember. I just remember lying there listening to the clock chime, and then feeling very very sick after a while. I went to the toilet and threw up until my stomach hurt. I felt so ill. I think the only thing that made me stop was the thought of my mum coming down to find me in the morning. I didn't want to put her through that.
God knows if it was just me, then I wouldn't be here to post this right now. I think about others too much, that's my big problem, and it always has been.
I'd love to say I'm alright now, and back to full sanity. But I can't. I don't lie. Hell, I make no bones about not wanting to be part of this world, or of whatever future the over-ruling power has in store for me. None of it is what I want, and I don't believe in settling for second best. I'd rather give up gracefully. I don't do anti-depressants, although I'm thinking I may have to relent soon. I'm taking herbal drops, which help a bit, and I'm trying to surround myself with people who care about me. Not that collectively they make up for the feeling that FT doesn't care, it doesn't even come close. But right now, it's that or nothing. And I don't want to hurt anyone.
I went to Cardiff for the weekend. It was a bit of a mercy mission. Not knowing what to do, or who to turn to, I phoned Lou and pretty much begged if I could come and see her soon. The shere nerve with it being 14 months since we last saw each other. But to be fair to her, she was brilliant. She was there for me, and gave me space to do my own thing, and made sure I had people around, even though I was quiet and didn't really open up or say anything. It was just good to get out of my life for a bit.
And I also contacted an old housemate, the famous 'Doctor T', and she even replied!!! We've arranged to go for dinner in a week's time, and she even phoned me up and invited me over, which is an offer I'd have accepted if I hadn't been 150 miles away in Wales at the time.
On the other hand, I've got other people at the end of their teather with me. Doofus is one in particular. She seems to be taking the 'snap out of it' routine now, and says I should quit moping and wallowing. Maybe I am moping and wallowing, but it's because I can't understand the way things are. The scientist in me has a quest for knowledge and needs to know how things work. Without rational understanding, there are things I can't accept. There are things that just hurt too much. And because I'm not the 'call her a bitch and tear a strip off cos you're better than that' kinda person, she feels I am moping. Apparently it's becoming 'hard to be my friend'.
Which is ironic, because it just seems like more amunition in the 'kill myself' pot!
I'm going to buy a plant today. I hope that might help. My new motto in life: if you can't get what you want out of life... buy a plant... at least it'll look pretty!'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
