Who Am I?

I don't know who I am right now.
I don't like the person coming out to the world. And I don't know how to change it. The more I look at me, the more I see all my faults and all my inadequacies. The bits that put people off. Then the more I hate me.
I don't have faith anymore. I don't have faith in me, or in the rest of the world. I don't have faith in the knowledge that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Unhelpful thinking it might be, but I feel like it's based on experience.
I feel like when I do have faith in someone or something, and trust it, it all just ends up further and further away from me.
I say nothing and they back away. And then I do, and it's all too late and they've backed away anyway.
And I'm the only one left with it.
I hate it.

I don't feel beautiful, or desirable, or sexy or wanted. I feel like it gets less and less. I know it's as much self perception as how the world sees, but the more the world doesn't see it. Or the more it feels like people that did see it don't see it no more, the less I see it myself. Especially when it feels like there's nothing I can do to change it.

I feel like I'm standing in front of the world wanting to be noticed. So much to give. Yet it's not enough, or it's not right. Everything I have.
I want to be loved. I want arms around me, holding me tight. I want to be kissed. Because I'm me, and because someone out there wants me. I want to be desired and made love to. Because someone finds me sexy and wants me.
You can't do that to yourself. So even if I did love myself, I would still feel empty.
I just want to feel again.
Like I have something to offer. Like I'm noticed in the right ways for being me, rather than being dismissed for all the grief I bring or because of past misdemeanours.

It seems I've learnt nothing. I don't know where to go from here.
You never get what you want in life.

I just... don't matter.

Run

So I know I haven't posted in a while. Kinda working on the proviso that every spare second I get at the computer should be spent looking for jobs and not recounting what has happened. Now I have spent a good few hours this morning applying for jobs. And a friend of mine, Kaz, has asked her boss if I can go and do some unpaid lab work to get some scientific experience... all good for the CV.

So I'm posting.

When I set this up I never intended for it to be all about the difficult periods in my life, and excluding the positive optimistic ones. I've just been busy.
I've started seeing a counsellor. Which is brilliant. I was feeling loads more positive that I was actually doing something proactive finally to get my head into gear, or at least give me the tools to in future life. So I've had workbooks to do, and programmes to work through. I've been doing that in every spare moment too - making as much of it as possible - working on it longer than the suggested time, being thorough... trying to get as much out of it as possible. I went into my last counselling session feeling heaps more positive than I had been doing, even though I hadn't really achieved that much.

I've opened up to FT about some of the biggest things that ever happened to me in my life. Things I should have said before, but forgot about, and didn't know how to say.
I think it's fair to say I've had a life reflection. And it's hurt like hell thinking about how I wanted her to know all this about me already, and how I blew my chance big time. I'm trying not to hate myself for it. I'm trying to take the chances I get now. I'm trying not to assume I've sent her running in the opposite direction completely. I have so much more I want to say. I want to share. It hurts.

So why do I feel right now that the only thing good for me to do would be to just run away and disappear? I feel like if I carry on, I'll do something stupid.
I feel like I don't belong to my family anymore. Everyone is different with me, and I feel like everyone thinks bad of me, and just tollerates me. And I know it's because my Mum has ranted, or mentioned things I've done which she views as selfish or doesn't agree with.
I feel like I can't be here anymore. Like I'm not here. Like I'm not wanted.
I suppose I've been feeling like it for a few weeks. I don't want to talk to her about it, because all we ever do is cover the same ground over and over. I can't be who or how she wants me to be. I'm not that person anymore. I just can't take the feeling of being punished for it. It's more than getting to me. I can't cope. I really can't. But I know if I run and walk out, then I'll never come back. It'll make it awkward for everyone, and it'll hurt me knowing that not having me around upsets them. So I'll avoid them. And I'll just walk out on everyone.
And part of me really wants to do it.
I want to turn my phone off, throw it away. Get in the car and drive. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just run away. And then abandon the car so I'll never be traced.
I want to walk away from my family and never come back. I just really can't cope anymore. With all this. I feel like it's killing me, and I don't know what to do. I've tried to be strong. I put on this act. I'm tired of acting anymore. Pretending everything is OK, or will be OK.

The only thing stopping me from running, is FT. I still love her and am more in love with her than I ever believed possible. Even after everything. Even with hurting everyday. It doesn't go away, not ever. I love her, and I want her in my life. Without that, I really would just run and disappear.

I've been going to this counsellor, and I'm supposed to be dealing with 'unhelpful thinking' this week. Like the 'it's all my fault' scenario, and 'no one likes me' etc. That kind of thing. So I'm round my Nan's yesterday, who I am convinced is depressed, and am quite upset by my mum's 'oh you get on with it, i'm washing my hands' approach to her, as I know from personal experience (when all these problems between us really started), that doesn't help at all, it makes it worse. When my mum comes round and basically says that what with my Nan, my Dad, Chesney and me, we've pushed her to breaking point since christmas. And we've made her depressed, and she doesn't know how much more she can take.
So apparently, I am completely to blame, and it is all my fault. She can't see for a single second I'm doing what I have to to survive, and if I did things her way I would probably kill myself because I tried and it didn't work, and oh yeah, I did try to kill myself. She just makes me feel like I'm the source of all her problems, and life really would be better if I wasn't around.
I don't believe on treading on other people to pick yourself up when you're down. And that's what she's done. I haven't asked for any help. in fact, I've distanced myself more and more so I'm not putting on her. She does virtually nothing motherly for me anymore at all. She's stopped the financial support, cooking, including me in family trips out unless I specifically ask to go and then it's under duress - and all of this is without even talking to me about it. It all came on from when I explained that I couldn't do things her way and she either backed off and let me live my life my way, or risked losing any relationship between us. She's cut me dead since then.
And she has everyone dependent on her, so they follow suit so as not to upset her.
I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. I really do. I feel like a disappointment, like I don't matter. Like my feelings are insignificant. And I do all I can to get out of the house and get away from it, because frankly, it hurts being in that environment.

But this doesn't mess with my head. No. Of course not. FT and I can't be together right now (and let's face it, you can't wonder why when I'm like this) and I want to be with her more than anything in the world. And I'm not wanted as the person I am by my family.

Tell me what there is to live for again? Fuck it, I just want to run!