Let me first start by wishing everyone a 'Happy St George's Day', for all the Englishmen out there. I have no idea why, because to be fair, it's a complete waste of a 'saint's day' as it's not something that is ever really celebrated here in England... it's weird really. I mean, I'm probably as patriotic as the next guy... I stand up and sing the national anthem and have been known to have a tear in my eye when it's been played when we have one something internationally, but I think even St George's Day might be taking it a little too far.
I am absolutely exhausted. My shifts have been completely up the wall this week, and it's been my first full week back after annual leave, so I think it's taking it's toll. Plus the fact I'm only getting one day off this weekend, and hence one lie in. But even for that I think I'm going shoe shopping for some black shoes for my Doofus' wedding in October.
I am paranoid that the usher is going to look a complete and utter dick! And shoes are something I struggle with! To put it into perspective, the ones I were now are some Dr Martens I bought about 12 years ago, and haven't been made for years, or I'd simply buy another pair.
OK, so the term 'Mad Dog' comes from the fact it was Kia's first week back at puppy school since I had her neutered a couple of weeks ago. And she has been a right challenging cow. Let's just say she's trying to exert some authority and is having problems understanding she'd not head of the pack. It to be fair though, is nothing I can't handle.
She is one lovely labrador though... you can't help but love her!
To be honest, I'm so tired and bored this evening, I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm beside myself. There's nothing happening and nothing going on... think I might go for a lie down on the bed for a bit.
Thursday 23 April 2009
Monday 20 April 2009
I Need In Built CCTV!
I swear in the name of God, or whatever supernatural being there is out there looking over us, that cyclists on London roads have it in for me!
Can I first start with a much needed outburst (anyone under the age of 16 please look away now). Bollocks, Shit, twat is, fuck!!!
That's better... I just needed to get out some stress!
I swear, on the way home from work tonight, I could quite easily, and purely accidentally in manners which would not have been my fault, have knocked about 6 of the mad fuckers off their bikes! Trouble is, everyone by default thinks it's my 'bad driving'. Which is why I need somehow to mount my camcorder onto the dashboard of my car so it can record what the mad people do!
I won't go on, but I'll point out a few things that have happened:
Can I first start with a much needed outburst (anyone under the age of 16 please look away now). Bollocks, Shit, twat is, fuck!!!
That's better... I just needed to get out some stress!
I swear, on the way home from work tonight, I could quite easily, and purely accidentally in manners which would not have been my fault, have knocked about 6 of the mad fuckers off their bikes! Trouble is, everyone by default thinks it's my 'bad driving'. Which is why I need somehow to mount my camcorder onto the dashboard of my car so it can record what the mad people do!
I won't go on, but I'll point out a few things that have happened:
- I've had some bikes undertake me while I have been slowing down to turn left into a road, whilst indicating, so had I turned and not looked I'd have hit them. I mean, why would you undertake a car that was indicating to turn right into a road? Suicide mission.
- I've had a bike overtake me by driving in a right turning lane (hence I could have assumed he was turning right and carried on driving and I would have hit him) pulling away at traffic lights, only to cut across 2 lanes of forward moving cars on his left, to move three lanes over to be next to the kerb.
- Coincidentally this idiot ran a red light at pedestrian traffic lights and nearly hit some poor guy crossing the road.
- Then I had some idiot creep up between me and a bus on my left, the bus was indicating to pull out right, so I had stopped to let him out, the bike decided he wanted to try and squeeze through, then was almost squashed against my car by the bus.
- At one point I couldn't move as I was surrounded by about 5 sodding bikes and couldn' t move, being overtook, undertook, they were swerving all over the road, even coming off from the pavement. It was that bad, stopping wasn't an option as one of them probably would have gone into the back of my car. It was literally like close your eyes and hope for the best... they were nearly crashing into each other for christ's sake.
The worst thing is, I've been here before... had one of them gone into my car, or if I hadn't been able to stop, then it all would have been my fault. The were even swinging in and out of moving cars right in front of a police bike, and they done nothing!
That's not safe practice or even following the highway code... yet the police do nothing. You might think, well if they want to drive like that, like idiots and stuff then it's their lives they are putting on the line. Trouble is, I know from personal experience the fact is this:
- As a driver, it's you that the fault lies with, because they view it that you should have been able to avoid the situation. No matter what they do, the 'professionals' view it that you should be able to expect and predict them to do the unexpected. Fact is, to a large extent, maybe you can, but some things are unexpected, and how the hell can you judge and predict what 5 of the fuckers are doing all at once, and before you know it, there is another one to contend with. But alas, the injury is greater to them if there is impact, hence lies the sympathy card.
- Also, it's fucking distressing to be in any sort of collision like that, it knocks your confidence makes you feel terrible, and after some nutter turned into the back of my car I'm now paranoid about the thought of the same thing happening again, and how you really can't predict what they will do, no matter how much you try.
- Thirdly, the blame lies with you. They may tell you that it's 50 50, but it is always deemed that you could have avoided the situation, so therefore you are the one more responsible. Therefore you end up with some nutter cyclist, who drives like a moron on LSD claiming some bumped up injury claim off of your insurance, for which you have to foot the bill for. Coincidentally if it was the cyclist's fault and the police take their heads out of their arse and come to that conclusion, cyclists aren't insured anyway, so you end up paying out on your insurance to fix the damage to your car anyway, and you still are traumatised from the event!
- And, if you are at fault, then the liklihood is you get points on your licence and a fine, or you can attend a 'driver improvement course' which I might add, you have to pay for!
So honestly, what do you do? They are a menace and hazard. I might add however I don't have a problem with all cyclists. The ones that follow the highway code and drive in a safe manner which doesn't pose a danger or obstruction to drivers on the road, I have no objection with, and have upmost respect for. I do however have a problem with cyclists which do the things stated above. Honestly, I have no problem if you want to drive like a nut and kill yourselves, fact is it'll just be more of you dangerous people off the road, but it never ends there for the drivers, we end up paying and get screwed hand over fist in the long run. And no, it's not fair.
A few questions:
Why is it that if a car jumps a red light they get fined or ticketed or arrested, but if a cyclist does it there is no penalty?
Why do cars pay road tax and cyclists don't contribute when the quality of the road surface is more important for them as they swerve dips and pot holes and things when cars can ride straight on through?
Why do they have no insurance? Surely for their own safety and piece of mind as well as that of other drivers on the road in event of damage or accident, surely the same insurance rules should apply? I mean, who repairs the damage if one of them scratches the side of your car whilst creeping up between you and the kerb or you and the bus?
Fact is this country just isn't designed for cycles on the roads. Well London certainly isn't as much as that knob head former mayor Ken Livingstone tried to portray. We're not living in Holland where there is ample space and consideration for cycles, this country and this city is simply too big to cope with cycles on the roads!
Sunday 19 April 2009
Settle For Nothing
OK, so I'm not the most experienced in the world, and I'm not professing to have the answers to everything, or to be right in everything I do, but if I have learnt one thing from the life experiences is to 'settle for nothing'.
If you feel like something is getting you down, or if you're being treated in a way you're less than happy with, whoever it is, then stop bitching about it and do something about it.
I've spent far too long thinking to myself 'I wish she wouldn't do that', or 'I'm not happy with that situation', all the while going along with it and saying nothing... then eventually, I might reach a point where enough is enough, but by that point it's too late, and I tend to errupt.
So on springs me into a few heart to hearts of late with some of my friends. For completely different reasons, but that said, both situations which didn't sit happy in my heart and had been festering away. I'm not going to destroy myself like that anymore.
The first was a discussion with FT. Yes, OK, so we're trying to be friends, which is cool, and I've missed her in my life, and I want her to be my friend. I still want to open up to her and to talk to her, which is the reason for trying to find the best way for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, if I've learnt anything over the past few months, particularly from her behaviour resulting in this discussion, I've learnt that there under all certainty could never ever be any form of a relationship between us. She's too self centered which is abundantly evident these days. I'm not sure if it's got worse, or I had rose tinted spectacles on before, but the sad fact is, everything is on her terms. Which if that's the way it has to be, then fine, but I'm not bending over backwards to accomodate you anymore. I feel like the more you give, the worse it gets. And even as a 'friend', to be fair, even though I've wanted to call her and catch up with her over a drink or a meal or a movie or something, I haven't asked. I've learned the hard way that I get hurt a lot more if the venue isn't to her liking, then instead of compromise, the event turns into a no go, and she'll fill up that time seeing one of her other friends instead. And that hurts. Not just because it's her, I'd be the same with any of my friends. So sometimes it's easier and pain free to say no and put some distance. I guess my main issue is that we had gotten quite close, and were opening up to each other for a while... she was talking to me about her mum suffering with depression, and I was opening up to her over the problems I was having over Sarah being a psycho. And that was nice. But she started 'seeing' someone she met while away skiing in America. Again, it's her life, and even if I think the situation is a little weird in which to have a 'relationship', it's her decision. I was merely upset, because instead of telling me about it, she just changed her facebook status and never mentioned to me she was 'in a complicated relationship'.
Now I'd go apeshit of any of my friends had done the same. And I was upset because I'd really opened up to her over the Sarah side of things. So after a substantial amount of silence and no mention of her new 'relationship', I was hurt that it felt like my openess and trust had been taken the piss out of and wasn't reciprocated.
We discussed it. She apologised and agreed to talk to me, and we wanted to be friends, and understood that mistakes had been made, and they wouldn't happen again.
The sad fact is I still feel now like I'm not entirely sure if my trust can be placed there in the same way it was before. So I'm a little on guard, which also sets me on edge, as I don't like being like that with my friends... Something doesn't sit easy with me, and I don't like it. I'm not sure now we can be friends in the same way or even in the same way I am with my other friends. I guess watch this space.
On the other hand, it isn't just me. I was talking to Dr T over the weekend when we met up, and she was also saying that FT hadn't been in touch with her, and I think Dr T was feeling a bit 'picked up and put down when it suits' a bit like I was. And in fact it was her that suggested that FT could be a bit 'on her terms or not at all', and the general consensus is that we're both just going to get on with stuff and all that and if FT makes a suggestion on her terms which fits in nicely, then if we feel like it we'll roll with it, and if not, then we just carry on with our stuff.
I think that attitude in itself is sad, because I'd HATE to think any of my friends were like that with me, but I've been told I'm an exception to the rule and not like anyone else in putting my friends thoughts and feelings before my own so selflessly. Hell, it's me and I think that's a better quality. And I do know the real friends that matter will ALWAYS be there for me whenever I need them, whether convenient to themselves or not. And I love them for it. They know I'd lie my life down for them if it came to it.
One other thing FT said to me that really doesn't sit right with me came when I was opening up to her about some people I'm close to being so far away all over the country. I was really upset because two people especially who I miss and want to spend a LOT more of my time with, live something like 6 and 8 hours away by car, and it really upsets me. I was told that everybody has their own lives and there is no point getting so upset about them being so far away, apparently I should take her advice and find new friends nearer who I can do all the things with I miss with my other friends. I have friends local who I see and do things with. It doesn't stop me missing or really wanting to be with my other friends. I'm sorry, but if you don't know that about me, then you know nothing. That comment hurt and upset me. Yeah, I could fill every second of my time up with new local friends, and there would still be a hole in my heart where my best friend Doofus is, and where I want to be spening more time with her and someone else. That is an irreplaceable void. My point is I can pass the time of day, and keep myself busy, but I still miss them like hell, and still want to see more of them than I do. Fact.
My second heart to heart was with Doofus herself. With her imminent wedding... we have a date set now for 28th October 2009... Oh shit... I still need a plus one! You can take the piss Dr T, but it's not funny! Especially with my history with women (more later). Anyway, I basically opened up and told her just how much I miss her, and just how hard I find it that we're so far away and hardly see each other. I apologised for not seeing much of her for ages, and I hated it and told her how it destroyed me a little bit every day. If I'd have done it in person there would have been lots of tears and hugs. I apologised for not being the best at keeping in touch and how I tend to bury my head in the sand and maybe not call her as much as I want to because it reminds me how much I miss her and hurts even more. I explained it's no excuse and I didn't mean to be a complete cock about it, I just find it difficult.
Doofus knows me better than anyone, she probably knows exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling anyway. We will always be cool. I love her to death. No not in the 'I want your babies' way, but in the 'you're my sister' kinda way. I love you dude xxxxx.
On a complicated note, I just wanted to state fact and make it abundantly aware that I have this complete knack of falling head over heals for the wrong women! They either live too far away, or are in relationships, or appear to have absolutely no attraction to me like that in the slightest. And I certainly don't want to do anything to fuck anything up! It's all so shit and all so complicated! Damn and blast!
I'm off to watch Lost... just to confuse myself even further! LOL.
If you feel like something is getting you down, or if you're being treated in a way you're less than happy with, whoever it is, then stop bitching about it and do something about it.
I've spent far too long thinking to myself 'I wish she wouldn't do that', or 'I'm not happy with that situation', all the while going along with it and saying nothing... then eventually, I might reach a point where enough is enough, but by that point it's too late, and I tend to errupt.
So on springs me into a few heart to hearts of late with some of my friends. For completely different reasons, but that said, both situations which didn't sit happy in my heart and had been festering away. I'm not going to destroy myself like that anymore.
The first was a discussion with FT. Yes, OK, so we're trying to be friends, which is cool, and I've missed her in my life, and I want her to be my friend. I still want to open up to her and to talk to her, which is the reason for trying to find the best way for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, if I've learnt anything over the past few months, particularly from her behaviour resulting in this discussion, I've learnt that there under all certainty could never ever be any form of a relationship between us. She's too self centered which is abundantly evident these days. I'm not sure if it's got worse, or I had rose tinted spectacles on before, but the sad fact is, everything is on her terms. Which if that's the way it has to be, then fine, but I'm not bending over backwards to accomodate you anymore. I feel like the more you give, the worse it gets. And even as a 'friend', to be fair, even though I've wanted to call her and catch up with her over a drink or a meal or a movie or something, I haven't asked. I've learned the hard way that I get hurt a lot more if the venue isn't to her liking, then instead of compromise, the event turns into a no go, and she'll fill up that time seeing one of her other friends instead. And that hurts. Not just because it's her, I'd be the same with any of my friends. So sometimes it's easier and pain free to say no and put some distance. I guess my main issue is that we had gotten quite close, and were opening up to each other for a while... she was talking to me about her mum suffering with depression, and I was opening up to her over the problems I was having over Sarah being a psycho. And that was nice. But she started 'seeing' someone she met while away skiing in America. Again, it's her life, and even if I think the situation is a little weird in which to have a 'relationship', it's her decision. I was merely upset, because instead of telling me about it, she just changed her facebook status and never mentioned to me she was 'in a complicated relationship'.
Now I'd go apeshit of any of my friends had done the same. And I was upset because I'd really opened up to her over the Sarah side of things. So after a substantial amount of silence and no mention of her new 'relationship', I was hurt that it felt like my openess and trust had been taken the piss out of and wasn't reciprocated.
We discussed it. She apologised and agreed to talk to me, and we wanted to be friends, and understood that mistakes had been made, and they wouldn't happen again.
The sad fact is I still feel now like I'm not entirely sure if my trust can be placed there in the same way it was before. So I'm a little on guard, which also sets me on edge, as I don't like being like that with my friends... Something doesn't sit easy with me, and I don't like it. I'm not sure now we can be friends in the same way or even in the same way I am with my other friends. I guess watch this space.
On the other hand, it isn't just me. I was talking to Dr T over the weekend when we met up, and she was also saying that FT hadn't been in touch with her, and I think Dr T was feeling a bit 'picked up and put down when it suits' a bit like I was. And in fact it was her that suggested that FT could be a bit 'on her terms or not at all', and the general consensus is that we're both just going to get on with stuff and all that and if FT makes a suggestion on her terms which fits in nicely, then if we feel like it we'll roll with it, and if not, then we just carry on with our stuff.
I think that attitude in itself is sad, because I'd HATE to think any of my friends were like that with me, but I've been told I'm an exception to the rule and not like anyone else in putting my friends thoughts and feelings before my own so selflessly. Hell, it's me and I think that's a better quality. And I do know the real friends that matter will ALWAYS be there for me whenever I need them, whether convenient to themselves or not. And I love them for it. They know I'd lie my life down for them if it came to it.
One other thing FT said to me that really doesn't sit right with me came when I was opening up to her about some people I'm close to being so far away all over the country. I was really upset because two people especially who I miss and want to spend a LOT more of my time with, live something like 6 and 8 hours away by car, and it really upsets me. I was told that everybody has their own lives and there is no point getting so upset about them being so far away, apparently I should take her advice and find new friends nearer who I can do all the things with I miss with my other friends. I have friends local who I see and do things with. It doesn't stop me missing or really wanting to be with my other friends. I'm sorry, but if you don't know that about me, then you know nothing. That comment hurt and upset me. Yeah, I could fill every second of my time up with new local friends, and there would still be a hole in my heart where my best friend Doofus is, and where I want to be spening more time with her and someone else. That is an irreplaceable void. My point is I can pass the time of day, and keep myself busy, but I still miss them like hell, and still want to see more of them than I do. Fact.
My second heart to heart was with Doofus herself. With her imminent wedding... we have a date set now for 28th October 2009... Oh shit... I still need a plus one! You can take the piss Dr T, but it's not funny! Especially with my history with women (more later). Anyway, I basically opened up and told her just how much I miss her, and just how hard I find it that we're so far away and hardly see each other. I apologised for not seeing much of her for ages, and I hated it and told her how it destroyed me a little bit every day. If I'd have done it in person there would have been lots of tears and hugs. I apologised for not being the best at keeping in touch and how I tend to bury my head in the sand and maybe not call her as much as I want to because it reminds me how much I miss her and hurts even more. I explained it's no excuse and I didn't mean to be a complete cock about it, I just find it difficult.
Doofus knows me better than anyone, she probably knows exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling anyway. We will always be cool. I love her to death. No not in the 'I want your babies' way, but in the 'you're my sister' kinda way. I love you dude xxxxx.
On a complicated note, I just wanted to state fact and make it abundantly aware that I have this complete knack of falling head over heals for the wrong women! They either live too far away, or are in relationships, or appear to have absolutely no attraction to me like that in the slightest. And I certainly don't want to do anything to fuck anything up! It's all so shit and all so complicated! Damn and blast!
I'm off to watch Lost... just to confuse myself even further! LOL.
Wednesday 15 April 2009
What Exactly Do Ushers Do Anyway?
Doofus is Getting Married!!!
That's right, my bestest bud in the world ever, who has been there through thick and thin, and no matter how long between when we catch up, feels like nothing ever changes, my best friend is getting married!
I must say, when I first found out this was in the pipeline (bearing in mind Nicky told me he had bought the ring before he proposed), I was a little upset at first and worried. Not out of jealousy or anything like that, but I was upset because I'm so damn far away. And at the moment for me, it is really feeling like I'm so far away! And for the best friend it's a big thing! Doof is one of the few people who has stood by me, and despite being one of the judgemental people you're ever likely to me, she has always been there for me, with me, through everything and anything, with absolutely no judgement. I love her, and I miss the fact that life isn't how it was when we were in the same city every single day of my life. So the thought that I'm not there for all the wedding stuff and planning really upsets me.
I should be the one she talks to and asks advice from, and has driving her all over the place to find dresses and caterers and the like, and I should be planning the hen night! And the part that upsets me, is that if we were in the same city, that's exactly what would be happening. I just feel like as a best friend, I'm a complete let down because I'm not around! And to me, one of the worst things you can do is let down your friends and family and the people you love and care about. Fact is, with work and the like, there is little I can do to change that fact. I can't afford to drive or catch the train up to Darlo every weekend from London... I just can't afford it, and probably still wouldn't be able to even if we wasn't in a recession. It's all just crap.
That said though, this was really upsetting me before he actual proposal. However, Nicky proposed on Easter Sunday, in may I say, a really romantic way, and infact something which could probably even rival me in the romance stakes...
He had an easter egg made up with 'Will You Marry Me?' on it, wrapped it all up, and they headed off to the beach on Easter Sunday. Not expecting even an egg, he gave Doofus the wrapped up parcel to open. She opened it, read the egg, turning round to give him her answer, and he was down on one knee.
I mean, how romantic is that???
Of course she said yes!
So the fact is, she's asked me to be an usher at the wedding. Well, to be fair, she said I could do that or bridesmaid, and she already has 3 bridesmaids with sisters and things, and she felt I'd feel more comfortable not having to wear a poofy dress... Cheers Doof! How right you are! So I'll be there all suited and booted.
Oh shit... going off at a tangent, I'll need to find some new black shoes as mine are about 10 years old and past their best. Bollocks... I didn't think about that! I HATE shoe shopping!
Oh, and I get to bring a guest! Crap... no pressure there then! All I need now is to find a beautiful eligible woman to accompany me... anyone interested?
LOL
That's right, my bestest bud in the world ever, who has been there through thick and thin, and no matter how long between when we catch up, feels like nothing ever changes, my best friend is getting married!
I must say, when I first found out this was in the pipeline (bearing in mind Nicky told me he had bought the ring before he proposed), I was a little upset at first and worried. Not out of jealousy or anything like that, but I was upset because I'm so damn far away. And at the moment for me, it is really feeling like I'm so far away! And for the best friend it's a big thing! Doof is one of the few people who has stood by me, and despite being one of the judgemental people you're ever likely to me, she has always been there for me, with me, through everything and anything, with absolutely no judgement. I love her, and I miss the fact that life isn't how it was when we were in the same city every single day of my life. So the thought that I'm not there for all the wedding stuff and planning really upsets me.
I should be the one she talks to and asks advice from, and has driving her all over the place to find dresses and caterers and the like, and I should be planning the hen night! And the part that upsets me, is that if we were in the same city, that's exactly what would be happening. I just feel like as a best friend, I'm a complete let down because I'm not around! And to me, one of the worst things you can do is let down your friends and family and the people you love and care about. Fact is, with work and the like, there is little I can do to change that fact. I can't afford to drive or catch the train up to Darlo every weekend from London... I just can't afford it, and probably still wouldn't be able to even if we wasn't in a recession. It's all just crap.
That said though, this was really upsetting me before he actual proposal. However, Nicky proposed on Easter Sunday, in may I say, a really romantic way, and infact something which could probably even rival me in the romance stakes...
He had an easter egg made up with 'Will You Marry Me?' on it, wrapped it all up, and they headed off to the beach on Easter Sunday. Not expecting even an egg, he gave Doofus the wrapped up parcel to open. She opened it, read the egg, turning round to give him her answer, and he was down on one knee.
I mean, how romantic is that???
Of course she said yes!
So the fact is, she's asked me to be an usher at the wedding. Well, to be fair, she said I could do that or bridesmaid, and she already has 3 bridesmaids with sisters and things, and she felt I'd feel more comfortable not having to wear a poofy dress... Cheers Doof! How right you are! So I'll be there all suited and booted.
Oh shit... going off at a tangent, I'll need to find some new black shoes as mine are about 10 years old and past their best. Bollocks... I didn't think about that! I HATE shoe shopping!
Oh, and I get to bring a guest! Crap... no pressure there then! All I need now is to find a beautiful eligible woman to accompany me... anyone interested?
LOL
Tuesday 7 April 2009
Race For Life 2009
I have a bug bear about this. It's something that means a lot to me, but might not to other people. Last year, I ran TWO 5km race for lifes, and raised getting on for £200 for Cancer Research.
This year I have gone out of my way to get as many people involved as possible. Trying to get as many friends to run it with me as possible. It means a lot to me. It means an awful lot to me.
Should I have to explain exactly why? There are people who have agreed to run it with me, entrance fee paid and starter pack all recieved. They have now booked a holiday to start the day before the race is due.
OK, so it was an accident. Forgot the race was on that day. I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that they won't be there, or the fact that upon discussion of the fact afterwards they said 'well, to be fair, even if I had known and remembered it was on that day, I still would have booked the holiday, because if it was a choice between 2 weeks away and a run round a park, then the holiday wins.'
It's two fucking weeks. What, you can't sacrifice a single day for something that's important to someone you say is supposedly important in your life? Admittedly now it's booked and is non-refundable, but there was no need for the calous way of saying the holiday would win out anyway. Not to someone you supposedly class as your friend.
There's no discussing it. She doesn't see my point at all. It's like talking to a brick wall.
Yet apparently I 'should say why it is so important to me to help her understanding'.
Should I need to? Why? If I say anything now you just think I'm saying it to make you feel guilty. Should I have told everyone I've apparently 'rail-roaded' into applying the exact reason why it is so important for me to run it, and have as many people I care about there running it with me? Why, so they can feel sorry for me and run with me out of pity, and not really because they want to? OK, so I'm a complete knob, but I don't work like that. Most people can see it's important to me, and that's good enough for them. Let's face it, there are few things I get on my soap box passionate about.
So I'm running race for life this year, to raise money for Cancer Research. Because I've had people in my life suffer from cancer, die from cancer. I spent modules at university studying the disease and treatment of it. Because I want funds to be there for cures and treatments for people I care about in the future. And I want as many of my friends and people I care about, and who love and care about me to be there and run it with me, because I had a cancer scare last year. It terrified me, and to be honest, I thought I wouldn't get the opportunity to run a race for life with all my friends together ever. So it's important to me because I'm OK, and this year, I have that chance and didn't want to waste it.
Why didn't I say anything? Because I didn't want it to be about me. I wanted it to be about the cause.
No one else has asked why it is so important to me. It obviously doesn't matter to them. It's simply enough that it is for a good cause, and it's something important that I have asked them to do.
Am I pissed? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Does any of it matter? No. You want the truth? Well, OK. It feels like I always come last with you. I can honestly say that none of my other friends would have been so blunt about not being able to do it. I'm not unreasonable, things happen. But fact is, we've been down this road before. I feel like if ever we do anything, it is always on your terms. And I don't honestly believe that if the person you're visiting on holiday and my situation were reversed, that she would have suffered the same fate as me. Doctor T came over to see me just for a coffee late one Saturday because I was upset about Sarah. She was with Dan and it interrupted her evening, but she still came. I feel like our history gets in the way of things. I get the impression you think 'Luce will be cool with it or get over it' because we have a history. It doesn't work like that anymore.
You say I'm the one that's said 'no' when you suggested doing things recently. Yes, I have, not because I don't want to do the things, but because I think I deserve a bit better than an afterthought when there's no one else around or nothing better going on, and that's how it feels. And I honestly would rather sit in my room and cry or watch a shit DVD than feel like that.
Truth is, I love you, and you are one of my best friends, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth the shit off your shoe, and that's no way to feel. Maybe if we have some space again, then you'll miss not having me around or talking to me, and will actually want to hang out and do stuff with me. And if not, then I guess you won't notice anyway, and well, I guess I deserve better in a friend. And yeah, it will hurt, and I'll miss you like hell and there will be a void in my life that no one else could ever fill, but that has to be better than missing you and wanting to do stuff with you, but not feeling like it's as important to you.
So enjoy your holiday, and I'll enjoy my race for life. And I promise, if next year comes around, and even if it is really important to me, I won't ask you to participate, I don't want to have any obstacles in the way of our friendship... and if me feeling hurt is one of them, then I'll take that out of the equation.
This year I have gone out of my way to get as many people involved as possible. Trying to get as many friends to run it with me as possible. It means a lot to me. It means an awful lot to me.
Should I have to explain exactly why? There are people who have agreed to run it with me, entrance fee paid and starter pack all recieved. They have now booked a holiday to start the day before the race is due.
OK, so it was an accident. Forgot the race was on that day. I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that they won't be there, or the fact that upon discussion of the fact afterwards they said 'well, to be fair, even if I had known and remembered it was on that day, I still would have booked the holiday, because if it was a choice between 2 weeks away and a run round a park, then the holiday wins.'
It's two fucking weeks. What, you can't sacrifice a single day for something that's important to someone you say is supposedly important in your life? Admittedly now it's booked and is non-refundable, but there was no need for the calous way of saying the holiday would win out anyway. Not to someone you supposedly class as your friend.
There's no discussing it. She doesn't see my point at all. It's like talking to a brick wall.
Yet apparently I 'should say why it is so important to me to help her understanding'.
Should I need to? Why? If I say anything now you just think I'm saying it to make you feel guilty. Should I have told everyone I've apparently 'rail-roaded' into applying the exact reason why it is so important for me to run it, and have as many people I care about there running it with me? Why, so they can feel sorry for me and run with me out of pity, and not really because they want to? OK, so I'm a complete knob, but I don't work like that. Most people can see it's important to me, and that's good enough for them. Let's face it, there are few things I get on my soap box passionate about.
So I'm running race for life this year, to raise money for Cancer Research. Because I've had people in my life suffer from cancer, die from cancer. I spent modules at university studying the disease and treatment of it. Because I want funds to be there for cures and treatments for people I care about in the future. And I want as many of my friends and people I care about, and who love and care about me to be there and run it with me, because I had a cancer scare last year. It terrified me, and to be honest, I thought I wouldn't get the opportunity to run a race for life with all my friends together ever. So it's important to me because I'm OK, and this year, I have that chance and didn't want to waste it.
Why didn't I say anything? Because I didn't want it to be about me. I wanted it to be about the cause.
No one else has asked why it is so important to me. It obviously doesn't matter to them. It's simply enough that it is for a good cause, and it's something important that I have asked them to do.
Am I pissed? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Does any of it matter? No. You want the truth? Well, OK. It feels like I always come last with you. I can honestly say that none of my other friends would have been so blunt about not being able to do it. I'm not unreasonable, things happen. But fact is, we've been down this road before. I feel like if ever we do anything, it is always on your terms. And I don't honestly believe that if the person you're visiting on holiday and my situation were reversed, that she would have suffered the same fate as me. Doctor T came over to see me just for a coffee late one Saturday because I was upset about Sarah. She was with Dan and it interrupted her evening, but she still came. I feel like our history gets in the way of things. I get the impression you think 'Luce will be cool with it or get over it' because we have a history. It doesn't work like that anymore.
You say I'm the one that's said 'no' when you suggested doing things recently. Yes, I have, not because I don't want to do the things, but because I think I deserve a bit better than an afterthought when there's no one else around or nothing better going on, and that's how it feels. And I honestly would rather sit in my room and cry or watch a shit DVD than feel like that.
Truth is, I love you, and you are one of my best friends, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth the shit off your shoe, and that's no way to feel. Maybe if we have some space again, then you'll miss not having me around or talking to me, and will actually want to hang out and do stuff with me. And if not, then I guess you won't notice anyway, and well, I guess I deserve better in a friend. And yeah, it will hurt, and I'll miss you like hell and there will be a void in my life that no one else could ever fill, but that has to be better than missing you and wanting to do stuff with you, but not feeling like it's as important to you.
So enjoy your holiday, and I'll enjoy my race for life. And I promise, if next year comes around, and even if it is really important to me, I won't ask you to participate, I don't want to have any obstacles in the way of our friendship... and if me feeling hurt is one of them, then I'll take that out of the equation.
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