Race For Life 2009

I have a bug bear about this. It's something that means a lot to me, but might not to other people. Last year, I ran TWO 5km race for lifes, and raised getting on for £200 for Cancer Research.
This year I have gone out of my way to get as many people involved as possible. Trying to get as many friends to run it with me as possible. It means a lot to me. It means an awful lot to me.
Should I have to explain exactly why? There are people who have agreed to run it with me, entrance fee paid and starter pack all recieved. They have now booked a holiday to start the day before the race is due.
OK, so it was an accident. Forgot the race was on that day. I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that they won't be there, or the fact that upon discussion of the fact afterwards they said 'well, to be fair, even if I had known and remembered it was on that day, I still would have booked the holiday, because if it was a choice between 2 weeks away and a run round a park, then the holiday wins.'
It's two fucking weeks. What, you can't sacrifice a single day for something that's important to someone you say is supposedly important in your life? Admittedly now it's booked and is non-refundable, but there was no need for the calous way of saying the holiday would win out anyway. Not to someone you supposedly class as your friend.
There's no discussing it. She doesn't see my point at all. It's like talking to a brick wall.
Yet apparently I 'should say why it is so important to me to help her understanding'.

Should I need to? Why? If I say anything now you just think I'm saying it to make you feel guilty. Should I have told everyone I've apparently 'rail-roaded' into applying the exact reason why it is so important for me to run it, and have as many people I care about there running it with me? Why, so they can feel sorry for me and run with me out of pity, and not really because they want to? OK, so I'm a complete knob, but I don't work like that. Most people can see it's important to me, and that's good enough for them. Let's face it, there are few things I get on my soap box passionate about.
So I'm running race for life this year, to raise money for Cancer Research. Because I've had people in my life suffer from cancer, die from cancer. I spent modules at university studying the disease and treatment of it. Because I want funds to be there for cures and treatments for people I care about in the future. And I want as many of my friends and people I care about, and who love and care about me to be there and run it with me, because I had a cancer scare last year. It terrified me, and to be honest, I thought I wouldn't get the opportunity to run a race for life with all my friends together ever. So it's important to me because I'm OK, and this year, I have that chance and didn't want to waste it.
Why didn't I say anything? Because I didn't want it to be about me. I wanted it to be about the cause.
No one else has asked why it is so important to me. It obviously doesn't matter to them. It's simply enough that it is for a good cause, and it's something important that I have asked them to do.

Am I pissed? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Does any of it matter? No. You want the truth? Well, OK. It feels like I always come last with you. I can honestly say that none of my other friends would have been so blunt about not being able to do it. I'm not unreasonable, things happen. But fact is, we've been down this road before. I feel like if ever we do anything, it is always on your terms. And I don't honestly believe that if the person you're visiting on holiday and my situation were reversed, that she would have suffered the same fate as me. Doctor T came over to see me just for a coffee late one Saturday because I was upset about Sarah. She was with Dan and it interrupted her evening, but she still came. I feel like our history gets in the way of things. I get the impression you think 'Luce will be cool with it or get over it' because we have a history. It doesn't work like that anymore.
You say I'm the one that's said 'no' when you suggested doing things recently. Yes, I have, not because I don't want to do the things, but because I think I deserve a bit better than an afterthought when there's no one else around or nothing better going on, and that's how it feels. And I honestly would rather sit in my room and cry or watch a shit DVD than feel like that.

Truth is, I love you, and you are one of my best friends, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth the shit off your shoe, and that's no way to feel. Maybe if we have some space again, then you'll miss not having me around or talking to me, and will actually want to hang out and do stuff with me. And if not, then I guess you won't notice anyway, and well, I guess I deserve better in a friend. And yeah, it will hurt, and I'll miss you like hell and there will be a void in my life that no one else could ever fill, but that has to be better than missing you and wanting to do stuff with you, but not feeling like it's as important to you.

So enjoy your holiday, and I'll enjoy my race for life. And I promise, if next year comes around, and even if it is really important to me, I won't ask you to participate, I don't want to have any obstacles in the way of our friendship... and if me feeling hurt is one of them, then I'll take that out of the equation.