A Day of Reflection

Sometimes things happen, or pop back into the memory that put things into perspective. For me, today is one of those days.
It's been a day of remembering who I was, who I am now, and how I got here.

8 years ago today, someone very close to me was murdered. In all honesty, my reaction to it was to shut myself away and to not deal with it or allow any of it to enter into my mind.
I've never spoken about it, or even really dealt with it. Just shut it away as though it never happened. But I guess, somehow now, through the medium of my blog, it feels right to talk about it all.

His name was Chris, and he was the only 'boyfriend' I ever had. We were 'together' when we were kids, and it was a pretty up and down relationship, but ultimately, he was one of the loveliest, nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. I'm not going to address the fact that Chris was a guy and I'm now, an out and proud lesbian. Fact is this was way back in the day when I was in denial and hiding from my sexuality, and my growing attraction to women. My life was different back then, I was different back then. The fact remains, that he is the only guy I've ever been in a relationsip with, and was never in a sexual nature. The 'relationship' so to speak, is irelevant. It's not even about that. But I spent many years of my adolescence hanging around, as kids do, with Chris and his brother Phil, and they were two of the very best friends I've ever had.

There is, however, more to the story.

Chris and Phil's parents decided to move away from the estate on which we all grew up when we were teenagers, and for a large part, of course being young, there is nothing we could do to stop that. It was back in the days before mobile phones were the 'in thing', and back way back when the internet and surfing you thought was something out of the space time continum or belonged only at the seaside. And where they moved, and the age we were, was too far for us to see each other without the help of parents getting us there. And consequently, parents having their own lives, that didn't happen. And so, we pretty much lost contact.
My reaction to this was one of being completely distraught and not knowing how to cope with it. I couldn't cope with it. My whole world fell completely apart. Everything I'd known and trusted, was gone completely, and I couldn't cope. I still struggle with coping strategies for things now, so christ knows how I ever expected myself to cope then. But the fact is, as a kid, you can put things like that away and never deal with them. You don't have that luxury as an adult.
My response to coping and dealing with losing my two best friends, and the only person I'd ever loved, was to bury my head in my school work. I stopped hanging out, and evenings and weekends were spent either in my room, or sitting at the table reading or writing notes, and learning... anything scientific, I was interested in. That was my coping mechanism, for that and a number of things... and to be fair, it saw me to some good GCSE and A Level results, and a 2:1 degree in Biomedical Science, so it wasn't an approach completely in vain.

I can't even begin to put into words how I missed them though. Chris used to meet me and be waiting for me after school and things, and I didn't like life without him, or Phil.
And there were points in my life, I would have loved to have them around for. Like when my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, and underwent treatment, I was on my own, and times like that I missed them most. I could list a million and one things I missed about them, and thinking about it all now, I still miss it all and them, and wish things were so different. But unfortunately you can't live your lives on 'what ifs'.

I regret so much, that the day they left, I went out for the day. I couldn't be around in the house knowing they were moving, and everything I'd known was disappearing. I remember driving out down the road their house looked onto, and seeing the delivery truck and everything being packed up. I cried. Looking back on it all, and how I feel now, and felt after, I really regret the fact that I didn't step up to the plate and say how I felt and dealt with it then. Instead I ran away, and they probably thought I didn't give a shit anyway, which is about as far from the truth as you could get... I have to live with that forever, and it still upsets me to this day!

After they left, there were a few occasions when we kept in touch. I remember a knock at the door once, and I opened it, and standing there was Chris... not wearing glasses like he used to as a kid. It was only a fleeting visit as he was off and about somewhere, but it meant a lot. Even then I didn't have the balls to tell him I missed him!
And then, a few months after that, a knock at the door, and Phil was standing there, wearing glasses, although he never did as a kid. Once again it was only a fleeting visit, and I still didn't have the balls to say that I missed them.
So two opportunities I had to open up, and I choked. Can only imagine what they thought of me! First sign of things getting tough, and Luce runs! Nice one! Again, more regrets my end!
And I never forget, being indoors on New Years Eve of the Millennium, when the phone rings... it was Chris and Phil, ringing to wish me a happy new year. It was amazing. Really special.
I guess my regrets are that even after they moved, I was presented with opportunities to see them, and be part of each others lives, and for whatever reason, I let the obstacles get in the way. And I regret every day more than I like to admit, how that tears me apart.

Then the next thing I know, a year or so later, there is a knock at the door, from a neighbour, telling me the news that Chris had died. I don't know, the whole thing is a complete blur. Firstly, it was 8 year ago, and secondly, I was just in complete and utter shock. It was around the time of my A-Levels that it all happened, both his death and the funeral. I just didn't know what to do. Part of me really wanted to go and to be there, and go, and then part of me just couldn't cope. I was filled and tormented with regrets about the opportunities I'd had for us to once again be part of each others lives, and I'd let them slip away. And more's the point, I'd now lost any chance of that ever happening again. I didn't know how to deal with that. I couldn't go. I didn't go. The day of the funeral, and again on what would have been Chris' birthday, I spent with my school friends, trying to revise for my upcoming exams. It was just soul destroying. I didn't know what to do or how to cope. And I felt like I didn't have any right to let Phil know how I felt, because at ever single step of the way, I done nothing but run away.
I so regret not attending the funeral. That was one chance for me to try and do the right thing, and to pay my respects to someone I loved, and in all sincerity, never stopped loving. Even then I didn't have the courage to do that. I can't express how much I regret it.

I guess from then on, something inside me broke that day. I realised what my fear had done, and how it can have such an impact on my life. My focus from then on became channelled. I worked my arse off, and went to university. And more than that, I moved away from home and headed to Sheffield, something I'd never have had the courage to do earlier in my life. I stopped running from things. I had perspective, and I'd learnt and paid the ultimate sacrifice knowing exactly where my running away can lead. And I vowed never to do the same again.

The rest as they say, has led me to where I am today.

So why, you say. Why now choose to confront it and open up about it? And ultimately it boils down to one thing... Facebook.

You see, through facebook, I've got back in touch with Phil, and I really do hope to god that we can once again become very good friends. I don't think anyone realises just how big an impact he and Chris had on my life. And it's made me face my demons of pretending things are 100% OK, when in actual fact, I've never dealt with them, they've just been eating me up somewhere inside for the past what feels like 100 years.

Chris, you were one of my very best friends, and I can honestly say, hand on heart, the only guy I ever loved. The soppy sentimental in me still has some of the things you gave to me, and I mean more than just the memories. And every time I hear 'Right Here' by SWV... I always, always think of you. I'm sorry for running away, and I'm sorry for letting you down. It destroys me more than you know. I can't believe where the years have gone, and how much has passed. Truth is, I love you, always have, and always will! Rest in peace xxx

Complicated Emotions!

Now firstly, I wasn't sure if I'd used that title for a post before. But on inspection, if I have, then I can't find the post. And it's definitely applicable for now, so alas, it is the title of this post!

Jeez... I certainly know how to complicate my life! that's one thing that's for sure! And more's the point, I'm not sure how I do it!
I guess for the main bulk of this post, I'm going to talk about some things and some feelings that have been brewing for a while. A long while. but I've never really voiced them, and have myself put them to the back of the closet. Until now. When forever reason, either by coincidence, or by timing, now it seems OK to voice them.

I guess some of this stuff goes long back to when FT and I were in a relationship. I made this big thing at the time, about how there was and would never be anyone else, and how my eye would never look at another woman in that way. Fact it, it didn't. Never did. We were together and in a relationship, and I would have done anything to have made that work. That said, almost in trying to prove to myself that our relationship was solid, and that to prove to the world that FT was the one for me, in my naievity, I believed it had to be the case that you could or should never either have or admit feelings or attraction to anyone else. I was ignorant to know the difference between fancying someone else whilst in a relationship, and that being acceptable. I never knew where it was acceptable to draw a line and say, 'yeah, she's lovely, and I'm attracted to her, and if I were single, I would most definitely try my luck, but fact is I'm in a relationship with someone I love and want to be with, so I'm not going to'. It's a bit like the self restraint you have to have, even if you're single, but the person you really fancy and are most interested in is with someone else... there are boundaries and boaderlines that you just don't cross.
So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe I did fancy other women, while I was with FT. But the fact is, I never and would never have acted on them while we were together.

Which brings me to where I am now. You see, I've known one of my friends, who we met when FT and I were together, for pretty much 5 years or so now. But at the time, she was in a relationship, and had been for a good 5 years, and I was with FT. So we were friends. Good friends. But the fact is, I always was really attracted to her, and quite fancied her.
It's something I never ever said, and would never ever have admitted had circumstances not changed for both of us. Since FT and I split up, this friend and I have become pretty close. She's someone, and believe me, there are very few people, who just 'gets' me. So to be fair, she knew how distraught I was about the break up, and if anything, it brought us closer. I went off the rails and all that, as we all know, so there was a good while where she and I had no contact. But there was always the odd text or so just to check in. Then last year, she lost someone close to her just after I lost my Nan, and so we were kinda there for each other, because we were going through things at the same time.
Then, out of the blue, a couple of months ago, she told me her partner had finished with her, and that they were splitting up. Now she and I are quite similar with our approaches to things and to relationships, so I think I better than anyone knows where she's at and what she's feeling and going through. Mores the point, I think her partner and FT are quite alike in their ways too, not that FT would ever admit to that.
She says she and her partner are trying to work things out. I mean, they've been together for 10 years, and that's a hell of a long time. I just worry that it's another situation like FT and I when we initially tried to 'work things out'. Part of me feels she's being taken for a bit of a ride, and her partner is backtracking because she's realised all the perks she'd lose if they do finish. But she told her she didn't love her anymore. How can you go back from that?
I don't know, all I know is I get this weird feeling of deja vu, and I would never wish how I felt and what I went through on her. But I also know how it feels when people but in and try to interfere or thing they can do it better than you. So I'm keeping out of it.

The fact is though, and the complicated thing is. I really like her. And I always have. It never felt OK to say that before, with FT and with her partner, but like I said, change of circumstances on both sides, and it seems OK to say it out loud, rather than trying to ignore it in my head... even if nothing could or will never come of it.
We're always talking and texting, and I honestly don't know anyone else who can make me smile and laugh the way she can, even on a shit day... it truly is a skill! And to be fair, all the flirting and sexual tension is mind blowing!
She knows none of this, and may never know... particularly as she's trying to make a go of things with her partner. I'd never do or say anything to jeopardise that or our friendship. But I did just need it to be said out loud, that I do have a serious thing for her. And if the day or situation ever arose, then I'm not sure I'd be able to pass it by...

An Ode to GT...

Now I'm not sure if you write an ode as a poem, or whether it can be whatever the hell you want it to be, but that was what I wanted to call this post, so I did.

I've had a week to take all this is, and to think about how I feel and how I'm coping and things, so on reflection of my thoughts and feelings, I decided to make a post.

As people may or may not know, GT or Gareth to the ICS crew, was one of my close friends from work. And it seemed like it was happening for ages, but GT left our department to move on and work for a new trust, so he no longer works with me or the team. People come and go you might say, but GT is one special guy, and I didn't want events to pass without commenting on them.

You see, for all his ways, GT, in my eyes, is and forever will be a legend. He was on the panel that interviewed me and is largely responsible with me getting the job. But more than that. There's only about a year and a half between us in age, and to be fair, GT has been like a big brother and a mentor to me throughout my working in ICS. So to say 'I miss him' is a complete understatement.
So as a tribute to GT, I thought I'd list a heap of stuff the guy does and is all about, and what I miss most about him already:

• There is no one more dedicated an OT than this guy, he's a complete grafter, there is no cutting corners, if it needs being done, then it is done. Simple.
• He trusts you and listens to you, which is a hell of a lot more respect than a lot of people give you in this day and age.
• What you see is what you get. Yes, he can be a bit of a gobshite and a bit loose lipped, but I think me above everyone in the team is one of the only people who was on his wavelength and one of the only people he never ever upset.
• He trusts me and has faith in my abilities, whether it be computer technical or patient related and for that mate, I lift my hat and say thank you, I'll not let you down.
• We have a similar piss taking sense of humour... so I'll miss not having my buddy around to join forces with when stupidity creeps in.
• He's loud and says it as it is. You can only have respect for that, and it's something I'll miss.
• He's my tutor for technical things and for footie, and my inspiration to be taken into the world of gadgets... if I ever get an iphone, GT is the man to call!
• He can only drink about 2.5 pints and then he's pissed... I can out drink the guy, but he is a HILARIOUS drunk!

I think most of all, GT has a sensitivity and dedication most people miss with him, but which I picked up on and respected, and will miss more than anything. He instinctively knew when I was down and not coping with things after FT and I were not talking. He put his arm round me, and said 'you deserve to be with and find someone special, because you're lovely and you deserve to be happy'. The guy knew what to say and exactly how to say it. And for that GT, I love you mate. It had an effect on me no one else had.

And more than that, my first day into work after my Nan died, I was on the late shift, so in the office for 2pm. He was there, waiting for me to arrive, he was the first person to come up to me, put his arm round me and give me a hug, tell me how sorry he was, and ask if I was OK or if there was anything he could do. I was speechless. That single act meant more to me than he knows.

So now he doesn't work with us anymore, and I miss him like hell. I miss his loudness and his gobshite ways. I miss his pictures on the wall, even the one of the dodgy salmon jumper. I miss his sleepy misdemeanour on a Monday morning. His hyperactivity when he ate chocolate. I miss his hard work, and his support, and the feeling of being part of the team. He's just one of them people who is the lynchpin of things. And GT being the modest little swine (yeah right) that he is, does honestly believe he'll be forgotten. The fact is, no mate, you won't be. Yeah, things change and you move on, but you'll never ever be forgotten.

So a week ago Thursday gone was his last day. We had pizzas for lunch in the office. The head of department gave her regular 'poem' when someone leaves. But this time, instead of pure humour and good will, was a complete touching emotional tinge to it too. That shows how important GT is and how he will be missed. We gave him his card, and Nintendo DS i for a present. He loved it. He had to choke back the tears. I had to leave the room with tears in mine.

I left early that day, to meet a friend for a drink. When I left, I put my arm around him, gave him a hug and said, 'thank you for the opportunity, the support and the belief, good luck with everything mate, the new job, the baby and the wedding. You'll make a great Dad, and Camden don't know how lucky they are. It has been an absolute pleasure working with you, and I'll really miss you'.

I meant it. GT is one of a kind, and one in a million. I don't cope with change well at all, so it feels like part of me is missing without him around. I miss you GT, you're a great guy. And we'll still go out, and I'll still drink your hairy ass under the table! Love you dude, and honestly, it really has been a complete pleasure!