Complicated Emotions!

Now firstly, I wasn't sure if I'd used that title for a post before. But on inspection, if I have, then I can't find the post. And it's definitely applicable for now, so alas, it is the title of this post!

Jeez... I certainly know how to complicate my life! that's one thing that's for sure! And more's the point, I'm not sure how I do it!
I guess for the main bulk of this post, I'm going to talk about some things and some feelings that have been brewing for a while. A long while. but I've never really voiced them, and have myself put them to the back of the closet. Until now. When forever reason, either by coincidence, or by timing, now it seems OK to voice them.

I guess some of this stuff goes long back to when FT and I were in a relationship. I made this big thing at the time, about how there was and would never be anyone else, and how my eye would never look at another woman in that way. Fact it, it didn't. Never did. We were together and in a relationship, and I would have done anything to have made that work. That said, almost in trying to prove to myself that our relationship was solid, and that to prove to the world that FT was the one for me, in my naievity, I believed it had to be the case that you could or should never either have or admit feelings or attraction to anyone else. I was ignorant to know the difference between fancying someone else whilst in a relationship, and that being acceptable. I never knew where it was acceptable to draw a line and say, 'yeah, she's lovely, and I'm attracted to her, and if I were single, I would most definitely try my luck, but fact is I'm in a relationship with someone I love and want to be with, so I'm not going to'. It's a bit like the self restraint you have to have, even if you're single, but the person you really fancy and are most interested in is with someone else... there are boundaries and boaderlines that you just don't cross.
So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe I did fancy other women, while I was with FT. But the fact is, I never and would never have acted on them while we were together.

Which brings me to where I am now. You see, I've known one of my friends, who we met when FT and I were together, for pretty much 5 years or so now. But at the time, she was in a relationship, and had been for a good 5 years, and I was with FT. So we were friends. Good friends. But the fact is, I always was really attracted to her, and quite fancied her.
It's something I never ever said, and would never ever have admitted had circumstances not changed for both of us. Since FT and I split up, this friend and I have become pretty close. She's someone, and believe me, there are very few people, who just 'gets' me. So to be fair, she knew how distraught I was about the break up, and if anything, it brought us closer. I went off the rails and all that, as we all know, so there was a good while where she and I had no contact. But there was always the odd text or so just to check in. Then last year, she lost someone close to her just after I lost my Nan, and so we were kinda there for each other, because we were going through things at the same time.
Then, out of the blue, a couple of months ago, she told me her partner had finished with her, and that they were splitting up. Now she and I are quite similar with our approaches to things and to relationships, so I think I better than anyone knows where she's at and what she's feeling and going through. Mores the point, I think her partner and FT are quite alike in their ways too, not that FT would ever admit to that.
She says she and her partner are trying to work things out. I mean, they've been together for 10 years, and that's a hell of a long time. I just worry that it's another situation like FT and I when we initially tried to 'work things out'. Part of me feels she's being taken for a bit of a ride, and her partner is backtracking because she's realised all the perks she'd lose if they do finish. But she told her she didn't love her anymore. How can you go back from that?
I don't know, all I know is I get this weird feeling of deja vu, and I would never wish how I felt and what I went through on her. But I also know how it feels when people but in and try to interfere or thing they can do it better than you. So I'm keeping out of it.

The fact is though, and the complicated thing is. I really like her. And I always have. It never felt OK to say that before, with FT and with her partner, but like I said, change of circumstances on both sides, and it seems OK to say it out loud, rather than trying to ignore it in my head... even if nothing could or will never come of it.
We're always talking and texting, and I honestly don't know anyone else who can make me smile and laugh the way she can, even on a shit day... it truly is a skill! And to be fair, all the flirting and sexual tension is mind blowing!
She knows none of this, and may never know... particularly as she's trying to make a go of things with her partner. I'd never do or say anything to jeopardise that or our friendship. But I did just need it to be said out loud, that I do have a serious thing for her. And if the day or situation ever arose, then I'm not sure I'd be able to pass it by...