Funny Hours... Funny Me!

I'm feeling a little uninspired today. Just sitting here chilling and listening to music, having downloaded loads and updated my iPod. I'm not feeling so empty in the range of good music anymore... well, for a while at least!

On a positive note. I've just received a letter. I was hoping it would be informing me about a job interview or something... but no news on that front yet :(. On the up side, it was still a positive letter.
It's the letter I was waiting for from the mental health worker at my doctor's surgery. It's not an appointment or anything, I have a form to fill in and wait for her to send me an appointment through (so bad news is more waiting won't be very good), but at least my name is now officially on their system, and if I fill this in and send it back today, then I'm making good progress. So hopefully I can be seeing a counseller relatively soon. Yes, so I am coming on leaps and bounds with things right now, but I know I still need or would strongly benefit from professional help, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. So fingers crossed and we'll see how that goes.

I didn't have much sleep last night. I had to go to the airport to pick up some friends who had been on holiday to the Maldives for a fortnight. Not that I minded, I quite liked driving along the motorway, along the open road with little traffic. I just love driving!

I did have one resounding thought though. That I really, really want to go to the Maldives! I know a few people who have been, and apparently, it's supposed to be the most wonderful place. Absolutely beautiful, and apparently you just walk around without shoes on because it's so tropical and gorgeous. What can be better than golden sandy beaches (and I'm not particularly fond of sand), crystal clear blue water, gorgeous sunshine and incredible scenery? I want me some of that!
So it leaves me hoping and praying for a fairly immediate windfall so I could actually afford to go! Enough money for an all expenses paid trip... and I'd love to take FT. I know she'd love it, and there's no one else in the world I would rather go with.

Keep my fingers crossed and keep dreaming then...

Never say never!

Love

I have a new favourite quote! Hence I've put it beneath my vital statistics on the right there for all to see. But I wanted it to be the begining of this quote too:

The heart has a logic the mind will never understand.

If you ask me, that statement in itself is pretty much key to the human persona. And the answer to so many questions we find us asking ourselves over and over again, and still coming up with no logical answer!

I suppose my reason for this post was sparked by something FT and I were talking about on the phone last night. Bizzarly over songs that I've been singing along to. Now I'm no singer, and sound shit whatever I attempt to sing, and rarely sing in public to save humiliation. Although sometimes I do get carried away and sing in the shower, or while I'm driving. Anyway, I got caught singing whilst driving when in the car with FT last week. Anyone heard that song by Mark Ronson featuring Daniel Merriweather called 'Stop Me'?
Well that was what I was singing along to in the car. The chorus goes like this:

Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've
Heard this one before
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before
Nothing's changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love

Anyway, FT made me sing it to her over the phone last night! Apparently I sounded the cutest I've ever sounded singing anything. That's good right?

Anyway, we were having a debate, as she thinks that I've picked up on singing it because of our situation.
Of which there is an element of truth, apart from the last line.

So on began my tale of how that would be perfectly true if the words in the last line said 'slightly more' rather than 'slightly less'.
And on began the debate of how I could possibly love her more after everything that has happened.

To which the overwhelming answer pure and simply is 'because the heart has a logic the mind will never understand'!
Yes, so in a logical run of things, I shouldn't love her any more, and I should love her less after everything that has happened, and how much I've hurt.
But in my heart. That's utter bollocks. I don't posses and 'off' button for this woman, or even a dial to turn down how I feels. It just grows, and there's no logic to that, and I can't explain that.
There are many many reasons why I love her just as much, if not more than I always did. All the reasons I fell in love with her are still there. She has a list of 101 of them, and each and every one of them still counts to this day. But it's more than that now. There's something about the fact that we've been through complete and utter hell, hurt and pain that I don't think either of us believed was possible. We've both caused each other more pain than either of us set out to do, and more pain than I for one have ever experienced in all my life.
But in spite of all that, my heart still pounds when my phone rings and I see her name on the screen. I still catch my breath when she walks into the room. My eyes still light up when she talks to me. Being with her, for even just a second still makes me smile more in that instant that I do in the whole period that we're not apart. She makes me feel special, like no one in the world can even come close to doing. She makes me laugh louder, harder and more than I do with anyone else. She makes me feel relaxed, like there is no need to pretend or like I'm just being tolerated. She makes me feel like I belong. She makes me feel complete. Yeah, the optimist in me wants the perfect outcome in all this, because something about us just fits, so perfectly. And when I look at her, and think about her, and all that we've been through in the past 2 and a half years, particularly in the past few months, I know that I'll never ever love anyone in the way that I love her. I know some people spend a lifetime searching for the feelings I have for FT, and die without ever having experienced it. That's how I know how precious it truly is.

So when she asks me 'how can you possibly say you love me more now, after everything that has happened?' I can reply:
'Because my heart has a logic that my mind will never understand, and it doesn't matter what happens, I see in her the most special, wonderful woman, and I know she doesn't realise the half of it, or maybe even just how we just fit together, and thats why my love for her grows more each day, because every day I learn more about me, and more about her, and I fall in love with her a little bit more'.
It makes no sense. I guess it's not supposed to. Like I said before, if we're meant to be together, regardless of fighting it, fate will find its way. I have faith in that, and I trust that. And it doesn't matter what we or anyone else do and think... if it's meant to happen, then it will.
But if we all want to trump for it in the meantime, then that's alright too :).

So back to songs, in terms of me singing songs right now that reflect the moment. I figured the lyrics to Akon's 'Don't Matter' seem pretty spot on in their own way too:

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
Oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
We gon' fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you

Restoring Normality

I'm feeling a little better today. I don't mind admitting I was in a right old state yesterday, over something that ordinarily wouldn't bother me all that much.
I'm still hurt. And I still feel completely and utterly used. Not something I'm used to feeling like. And to be fair, I don't quite know what to do with it.
I suppose my one benefit from it all is that once again, it has enabled me to learn something about myself, and how I'm ever changing to dealing with things.

My usual previous approach to finding out that I was excluded from the wedding invitations after being friends and living together and bending over backwards to help Sarah when no one else would give her the time of day would be to get angry. Very angry and bitter. I'd usually do nothing but gob off about what a bitch she is and how she just uses people for her own ends and then fucks them off when she's finished or they have expended their usefulness.
Which of course is the truth of the matter. But imagine that statement uttered repeatedly in a very angry and threatening tone for hours on end, and then brought back up over and over again, and you would be somewhere close to my usual reaction.
Ironically, without consciously thinking about that, I've progressed from that usual 'angry' reaction to something a little more civilised. Probably something that normal people in this would would react like. Admittedly, I was obsurdly upset about it, which wasn't completely normal, but completely fueled by the evil that is the raging hormones of a period.
I guess what upset me a little too was my inability to actually get angry about it like I would usually do. I know that sounds weird as I've admitted my anger was one of my very bad sides and I've tried all I can to change it, so why in a situation like that want to go back to it? I don't know.

In a positive light, I feel like my general progression over the past few months has been incredible. How I feel inside, and how I react to situations now is completely different to how I used to. I'll do my best, but I don't think I can completely understand it, only offer what I think might be an explanation in some sense.
I would just completely blow my top over the slightest little thing. If something didn't go in a way which I thought it should go, or would have liked it to go, or how I expected it to go, I would just get frustrated, would try to deal with that inwardly, and just end up angry, and project that to the world as angry outbursts. I'd feel like the world was against me. I guess that as incredibly happy and in an absolute bubble of wonder and joy and amazement with FT, in every other aspect of my life, I was far from happy. And in the end, that made the pressure on our relationship too much, and the rest has its story as you know.
I was scared and angry. Not an excuse to be an explosive little fuckwit when I couldn't deal with things, and I'm not trying to make it one, but it's the reason.
I had a real problem with 'society' as it were. The fact that people find it so hard to accept others for who they are rather than for their sexuality, skin colour or gender. And I felt powerless to do anything about it. I just hate the fact that there are these preconceptions about how people should be, and if you don't fit that category, then the fact is you face a harder time in your progression through life. You have to fight for better pay if you're a woman. You have to fight to get a job if you're not white. You have to fight for acceptance or put up with shit if you're gay. And I hate it. I still do. But before, I think the main factor for me was coming out to my family, who have some pretty traditional British views (they're all royalists for christ's sake). I've said it before, but I felt angry that there was even this 'coming out' issue. In this day and age, there sure as hell shouldn't be one. If society presumed everyone was bisexual, then it would come as no surprise, or issue if someone brings home a partner of the same sex.
I've covered this point before, in great depth, but it was the fact that I was scared, and not 'out' to my family, and was so worried about their views that contributed so greatly to my anger.

I'd always of said I was a pretty easygoing individual, fairly chilled, but yes, did have the potential to get angry and go off the deep end. I'm not saying I don't have that now. I don't know if I do anymore. Time will tell.
But one thing's for sure - I don't feel angry inside all the time like I used to. And I suppose it's only really now I can realise how destroying and dysfunctional that was. It's only now I can see just how angry I was. And even I'm surprised. I just really don't feel like that anymore. But my old logic tells me that I should still feel angry because I've lost the one thing that truly makes me happy. Possibly the only thing that kept me from a complete mental breakdown and letting anger and fear consume me completely was FT. I tried to run away from the things that were making me angry. The way things ended up, I had nowhere left to run. And I lost the one thing that was running with me. I feel like I was just running and running, and one day I looked round, and I'd run on without her. I felt like I was lost in the middle of the woods, surrounded by big trees and two paths. One to keep on running, and yes, it would have been on my own. Or one to step forward and stand up on my own and stop running. If I'd run, the anger would just have followed me. And I would have just got even more angry, because I didn't have FT by my side.
I didn't want to run forever. That was never my intention. I never wanted to be the woman who was scared to stand up and be herself, and I never wanted to be angry because I was scared.
I wanted to be someone I could be proud of. And I wasn't. Not by any means.
In my eyes, there was absolutely nothing to be proud of. I wasn't being the real me, I wasn't standing up for what I wanted, or what I believed in. I'd just got angry and pushed the one person I'll ever only truly love as far as she could go.

Metaphorically speaking, I'd lost it all. I'd lost FT. I'd lost my life. The one thing that was stopping me from turing into one big ball of anger. Worse than that, I'd lost my self respect. Only I could get that back.

And that's been my journey. I'm by no means finished, I'm still going. But this is about getting my self respect back, and being the 'me' that I always knew I was inside, but too fucking scared to do it.
And this is why now, I can look back and see why things happened the way they did. I can see why FT and I had to be where we are now. Because I had to do this, and travel this on my own, by myself. My love, respect, faith and devotion to her has never changed and never will (a matter to be covered in my next post), but I'd lost it for myself, and I needed to get that back. And that's what this is about.
Sure, the last thing I wanted is for FT and I to be where we are now. I've always believed we're meant to be together, so not being right now is soul destroying. But I can't change what happened or go back and do things differently. It's not a luxury you get in life. But I can learn from it all, and make damn sure I don't make the same mistakes from here on in that have destroyed my perfect world. Where we are now, is definetely somewhere we both needed to be. And we're getting on a lot better for what we've learnt so far. And we're still learning. We're seeing how things go, and just enjoying how things are right now. And right now, I wouldn't give that up for the world. If we're meant to be together, and end up together, we will be, and I have absolute faith in that fact.

I can't believe that for a few months now, my compulsion to feel angry just isn't there anymore. Not when for so long it felt like something that was such a big part of me and who I was. I think now I really can testify to being 'chilled' and 'easygoing', and I take things in my stride a lot more than I used to.
I had an incident with my £250 Tom Tom the other week, where it completely froze and wouldn't turn off, and the screen looked completely screwed. It can't be taken back to the shop, as when I bought it I had to sign an agreement that if there were any problems I had to send it back to the manufacturer directly. Now the 'old me' would have completely gone off on one, hitting it and slamming it, and swearing and been like 'great, what a fucking waste of £250, and now it's going to be such a stress to get it fixed' etc, with many more swear words rammed in. Whereas my actual reaction was 'oh well, guess I'll just have to try and sort it out, nothing I can do now, just leave it as it is, and have a look tomorrow'. I plugged it in the next day, and it was working right as rain. But that's one example of the change in me, and my reactions. The anger wasn't there, and it made a difference. A big one.

And it's similar with this wedding invitation thing, whereby my old reaction would have been lots of swearing and calling Sarah every name under the sun, because I'd be upset about not being invited, and feeling used and things, and that would result in anger. When in reality, and in actual fact, I don't really feel angry. Just disappointed, and extremely upset. I'm upset that I feel like I've been used, and upset that I had more faith in human good nature than perhaps I should have in this case. But I'm not angry.

Yes, I'm upset, but not angry. Well, yes I'm gutted, and still feel completely used, and in a sense, am wondering why the 'nice guys always finish last' scenario seems to be so extremely true.

But on the inside... at least part of me is smiling... because I'm not angry! And that my friend, is progress! And that's something that no one can take away from me!

So I Might Come Across As Hard On The Outside, But I Have Feelings Too!

Right now I'm not sure if I'm feeling like this because it is a natural thing for me to feel, or because I have begun one hell of a period, which hasn't been regular, and I'm suffering for it. I'm in absolute agony, more than I've had in ages, and worse than that, everything seems to make me want to burst into tears and cry!

So I guess by that admission, I'm probably not completely rational. And probably everything that I'm thinking and feeling is amplified. It's all just a mess.

I'm missing FT again. But I'm trying to back off and not be in her face about it. She's had a couple of parties and night's out over this weekend, and so has either been feeling really rough, or in a hurry to get herself ready, and panicking immensely about whether or not she looks good. So I haven't got to speak to her much. I just miss her, that's all. And now I know she's got like a shedload of work and deadlines due and things, so is more than super busy, and more than extra major mega stressed. It upsets me that I'm not there with the kettle on, or living any closer to make dinner to make her life easier. That and it'd be the perfect opportunity to catch up and chat and spend time and chill together, without feeling like I'm distracting her from something important, or getting in the way of something she needs to get done, or feel like there's this unwritten thing like she's going to need to get off the phone in a second, because a 10 minute conversation is OK, but any longer gets too distracting. Which is fair enough, as her mum can phone and waffle for hours on end about nothing and before you know it, time just goes.
I just miss our little chats about everything and nothing in particular, and just catching up on how each other are and etc. But then I also get the feeling that I'm one person right now who is difficult to talk to, as I think I just make her stressed about everything she's got to do in terms of work and things. Not that I do it intentionally, but she knows me inside out, and she knows that the last thing I want is for her not to get things done, purely because I never stop blabbing on about how much potential she has and things. So I think I make her life difficult.
Which I hate that fact - I want to be the cool, ace one that takes her mind off of things and gives her a well needed break and conversation and things when she needs it. But then I feel incredibly guilty for distracting her. It's a catch-22 nightmare!
The bottom line is, I know that she's stressed, which is why I'm backing off.
Which is a nightmare when I miss her!
It'll be so much better when she's living in London!

So that's part of my irrational emotions right now. But there is something else.

Now I know this is completely blown out of all proportion because of period and hormone stuff, because generally, as initially hurt or upset I would be about it, it's the sort of thing I'd just wave off and say something like' well it's her loss then' and move on with my life.
But right now, I just can't shake the feeling of quite how upset I am, and quite how much is does actually hurt.
It's no secret that FT and I got together when we were living together in university accomodation. I'd already been in there a year, and was sharing with 2 other people who were also staying there for a second year - Dr T and Sarah. While FT and I were together, Sarah met her boyfriend Matt. And after the year was up FT and I moved in together, and Sarah and Matt were still together but not living together. They eventually moved in together the following year, while FT and I were still together. Dr T moved to London for work, and it just left Sarah & Matt and FT & I in Sheffield. Now I'm not saying we mingled loads with them, or they were particularly close friends, but FT and I did go out for meals with them, went round to theirs and had them round to ours for dinner, walked the dog with them. Went for coffee with them, invited them to our house party, etc. And prior to the 'couples' thing, when we lived together Sarah and I got on and I did a lot of stuff to help her out. She's blind, and so often had loads of problems with her computer. And even with a degree of my own to do, I would be the one putting myself out to spend an hour in a half in there trying to sort it out for her, or helping her order her tins of shopping so she knew what was what. Or picking up bits of shopping she needed, and having her quibble to the nearest penny about how much it cost. I'd be the one she ordered take away Indian with on a weekend and stuff like that. And then when she got a guide dog, I was the one cleaning out its poo pen and stuff like that.
Not that I minded. I'm not that sort of person. I'll do anything for everyone. And even on occasion, I'd have FT and Dr T getting cross and having a go at me, telling me 'not to let her take advantage of me'.
Even when she moved in with Matt, and he went away to a conference for a few weeks, and FT was in Africa for a month, Sarah invited me round for dinner, and we walked the dog.
All the kinds of things that lead you to believe you are actually liked by someone. I did it because I considered her to be a friend.
And even when FT and I separated, Sarah offered one of us a room in her place for a few weeks to sort ourselves out, seeming really gutted that we were separating, and willing to do anything to help. Again, something you'd consider the mark of a friend. So FT stayed for a few weeks, we agreed this as I would be the one moving out of our flat in the long run.

Yes, I admit, unfortunately, Sarah and I did have a fall out during this period. There was one night FT went out and I received a distressed phone call from her lost and scared. So still drunk myself and over the legal limit, I jumped in the car to her rescue. She was completely drunk and couldn't sit up straight. She told me she wanted to come back to the flat because she wanted me to look after her and make her feel safe. But then went hysterical that we couldn't leave Spoonsie at Sarah and Matt's overnight. I couldn't leave FT in the car unsupervised as it wouldn't have been safe, so I had to carry her in to get the dog. When we got there, Sarah was refusing to let FT leave the house, telling me that she and Matt (who was upstairs in bed) would look after her, and it wasn't might place to anymore. Yes, it hurt to have her say that, particularly when FT herself had called me and begged me to look after her and make her safe. I'm not condoning my actions - I'd had a right skinfull myself, but it's no excuse. Everytime Sarah kept saying FT should stay there, I told her to shut up. In an agressive manner. This was going on for about 30 minutes, and I had only gone in to collect the dog. I was scared and worried, and as far as I could see, Sarah was making it worse. I think I may have even threatened to shut her up myself at one point. Which is a totally unacceptable thing to do, particularly in her own house. I was out of line. No question. But I was upset, and scared, and the woman I loved was in a right state, and all I could think was that she wanted me to look after her, and it hurt to have it rubbed in my face that we weren't together anymore. I eventually got FT out and back to the flat.
The next day, I couldn't have been more appologetic to Sarah. I told her I was completely out of line, and tried to explain why I reacted like I did, but maintaining that I believed it was the right thing for FT to come back to the flat. She accepted my appology, although I suppose it was obvious a grudge still remained.
The thing with Sarah is, her grudge never stops her from putting up with you when she wants something done, or if it's something she wants to do. I guess sometimes you just think that when you're friends with someone, you understand that everyone makes mistakes and if they are open and honest enough to admit to them and appologise when they are wrong, or have done something to upset you, then you step forward and move on from it, having both learned something in the process. I guess I just thought that's what we'd done.
A few weeks later when I went to collect FT's belongings when she was moving back into the flat, Sarah unwittingly passed a comment to FT, not knowing I was standing there, not that it made it an acceptable comment, but I think it hurt me more than anyone else ever had done on an oppinion about our relationship. She said something about 'well at least you'll be financially better off without Lucy as you won't have to declare a partner anymore and you'll get more benefits because of it'. Having someone, who supposedly knew us. Had invited one of us to stay to 'help us sort things out', who was gutted when she found out we'd separated, stand there, and bring a relationship which was blatantly built on nothing but love and respect down to the value of money as if it were just a great relief that it was over and nothing else mattered. Especially when it was plain for the world to see how much I loved FT. That hurt.
She appologised when I replied to her comment, saying how sorry she was and that she didn't realise I was there - as though my presence or absence would have made such a comment any more acceptable.
Yes, I was hurt and upset, but I moved on!
The next day when I went round to collect remaining bits that FT had left she was acting normal, and 'supportive', and just like she used to be when we lived together.
So I thought everything was OK.

Yes, I suppose it did upset me a little that she'd ring FT to chat and see how she was and things, and I'd known her for a year longer, and spent lots of my time and effort putting myself out for her when no one else would. But you take Sarah with a pinch of salt - half the reason for keeping in FT's good books is the 'dog' issue. Sarah likes to have someone who will babysit Quanda when she wants them to, under the pretex of looking after or free-running Spoonsie. That and the fact that FT and I had promised them a meal on us for the offer of their room, so it was in her interests to keep in touch with FT. Being back in London, I could offer nothing, although after 4 years of friendship, it would have been nice to have been called once in a while, particularly when it was public knowledge at how emotionally appallingly I was handling it all!

Anyway, now there is a new twist. Sarah and Matt are engaged. FT was aprised with the information, I guess presuming she would pass it on. Which she did.
But I found out yesterday, from FT, that Sarah has set a date for the wedding (April 19th 2008), and FT is invited. And more than that, that she's trying to put her down 'without guest', which would make life difficult for FT. And apparently she then says 'oh well, you could bring Lucy I suppose, but I don't want any funny business'.
Yes it hurts.
It hurts like hell.
I never proclaimed to be her best friend, but I thought I was at least considered a friend.
A number of things upset me here. Like, why is it, that with people that feel like they have to 'pick sides' since FT and I separated, have all picked FT? First Kerry, who I was nothing but nice to when she and DF separated, and I thought that if any of us, she and I would be able to relate the most, as our situation was most similar. So I tried to explain there why I was upset... and that was the last I heard from her. And now Sarah. Although you could probably argue that I have been a cunt there to be fair. But I don't think it's unfair to feel that situations hadn't been resolved, when she herself leads you to believe that 'actually, you have upset me and that was out of line, but I can see why it happened, and I myself am not completely faultless for hurting you too'. That's what friends do.
So yeah, I am upset. Incredibly upset. And right now, I don't know how to handle the 'sod her, it's her loss' approach.

I just feel used. Completely and utterly used. It was OK, she'd tolerate me when she wanted someone to help her, or do something for her. She could forget the time I had a go at her about her badly behaved dog when she wanted me to pick its poo up, or fix her emails, or free run the dog with her. But now, apparently I'm not good enough anymore.
I think the thing that upsets me most of all, is yes, OK, I can be hot tempered, and get angry and go off about irrational things. But all of this seemingly relates to that incident when FT was drunk. And that was at a time in my life when I was not myself. I was completely beside myself, out of character, and at the beginings of a spiral to self destruction and attempted suicide. And I can't believe that someone who I considered a friend, and who lived with FT and I, and who could see on a daily basis just how in love with her, and how besotted with her I was, could not even take that into account for something very stupid that I said and regret.
The sign of someone with no sign of taking sides would be, that right now, she knows we are getting on well and things, so the chances are, we may still be in a year. Maybe send us both single invitations, and we could go together, or FT could take someone else with my invitation if we weren't getting on so well. Am I being unrational if she sends an invite to 'FT and Guest' and says to her you can bring Lucy if you want? Does that not negate what was actually a longer friendship than she and FT has had?
I just feel used.
I want to tell her to fuck off, but to be honest, even I didn't think even she could be as selfish as this.
I think if FT and I had our roles reversed, I'd have words with Sarah about it. Particularly as whether we're a couple anymore or not, collectively, FT and I have done more with and for her than either of us individually. And if there was no getting through, then I think I'd tell her to sod off.
But then it's not my call, its FT's.

See, something so fucking inconsequental and trivial has just left me feeling completely used and resigned to tears at the computer. It's even starting me thinking that I might not be a very nice person, and it doesn't matter what you do for people, nothing makes up for being horrible!

Pining For Pineapples...

I had the most amazing week in history. I can't even begin to put it into words. For once in my life, I'm just really enjoying how things are going!


Mind you, I'm back from Sheffield now, and suddenly things aren't feeling so good again! I think I'm coming down with the flu, or a cold or something like that, which isn't good. And I think that's impacting on everything else and making me feel a little sad.

I'd have stayed on in Sheffield for as long as I could have, I'd never have left. But I think my main reason for heading back when I did was because I think that it's important right now that FT and I have space. If anything there is ever going to work, then we need to do things properly. And as much as the heart aches and says 'things just don't feel right when we're apart' or 'I can't stop thinking about her' or I can't sleep and wake up at 4am and the one thing I want to do is pick up the phone and call her. I think it's important we have that.


As crazy as it sounds. I love missing her. It feels good not be with her, and have her on my mind, wondering what she's doing and how she is etc. And I love knowing that she misses me. Calling each other when we've got a minute to talk, or just because we wanted to see how each other was. I think we missed so much of that when we were together. It might sound crazy, but we loved spending time together, and doing things together and stuff, we still do. But we did so much of that, I suppose the actual quality of the time we spent together was reduced because we were so used to it and took it for granted. And I don't want the same thing to happen again.


Like for example, this week, just walking around town, for lunch yesterday, and I was wearing a t-shirt, and she walks down the road on my arm stroking my arm. And it was just so obvious that we were both so overjoyed at spending some quality time together, and we didn't know how long it'll be until we next see each other, so we were just making the most of it.


That's what I'm talking about.


I think as much as we were in love, and loved each other so deeply when we were together, I don't think we ever really felt as completely valued as we have done spending time together these past few weeks, especially these past few days. It brings a completely new and fresh dimension to things.

Right now, I'm missing her like crazy! I know she's at uni, and I'd love nothing more than to be there and take her for lunch and for a drink between seminar and lecture. But even in a way, it's nice knowing that we've had the most amazing few days together, and now I'm back, and I really want to be spending time in the sunshine with her, but I can't do that. And maybe she's wishing I was there so we could go for a picnic in the Park with Spoonsie or something. Missing her and things like that just makes it all the more special next time we see each other, and gives us something to look forward to.

We did have one particular giggle yesterday which I wanted to share with the world, such is my beaming pride... whilst I was getting a ticket to park the car, FT got our little Spoonsie to jump into the driving seat of my car. It was a definete kodak moment and has to be shared with the world... Spoonsie Cab anyone?

I'm both extremely upset and pissed off at how much stuff I forgot to bring home with me! Now the right little femme side of me coming out, is turning into a bit of a vain so and so, so finding out that I've forgotten my perfume (the one she loves - which might not be such a bad thing to forget then), my hair wax, my hair freeze spray, my heat defence spray and my shine spray is a complete disaster! But at least I can go to the supermarket and get some more today... so that's not a complete loss.

Worse than that, I forgot my lovely wonderful mug that FT bought me back from the US... which is just crap... my coffee just didn't taste the same this morning!


And worse still, while I was there, FT especially baked my favourite cake for me - pineapple upside down cake!


Now as you can see by the picture... it was the absolute most perfect cake ever! I don't think I've ever seen her so worried about making one. She forgot what to put in the mixture at first, and then forgot the cherries so had to put them in at the last minute. But the cake was absolutlely beautiful, and the most perfect cake ever! The sponge was the perfect thickness and consistency, and the sweetness was just spot on, with the right amount of pineapples and cherries... it was just the perfect cake! It was pure and utter 'heaven in a cakey'. So I was in blissful delight with it. There was a substantial portion left over, which FT said was mine to take home with me... you should have seen the delight on my face!


Anyway, I gets back last night after a 4 and a half hour drive, to find that I couldn't find the cakey! I phoned FT and we discussed where it would be, and she couldn't find it there, and we remembered me putting it in the one remaining bag in the boot of my car. So I was in blissful ignorance, telling myself I'd go down and get it in the morning and have it for breakfast.


FT rang me this morning, while she was making her own breakfast, which was a pure 'great minds' moment, as I was just about to call her myself (but that's a digression, and we must focus on the cakey right now). Anyway, we were chatting away, and she went to sit down with her weetabix, which when she placed the bowl on the coffee table, she found my cakey! All wrapped up in the foil. I was gutted!


I had a bit of a moment, where I was feeling ill, and down, and I didn't hear back about this research job I really wanted, and I was really missing FT, and didn't sleep even half as well as I did this past week, and I'd left my mug she bought me, and I missed Spoonsie and family cuddles and things, and the cakey was the last straw. I started welling up and positively had tears in my eyes.


Instead of FT thinking I'd lost my marbles and gone completely mad, she was genuinely gutted that I was so upset about it, and when we reasoned that she couldn't post it because it might not arrive until Monday and wouldn't be any good by then, she said the nicest thing I think she's ever said about something so random and obscure as a forgotten cake: 'Well, I'll have to eat it for you then, because that way you'll still get it because you're part of me and I'm part of you'.


So the tears turned into a complete smile... there's nothing that could be said to that. It's just a truly wonderful thing to say!





We're both so excited about FT moving to London! Things will be so much better then. I'm not saying it'll mean we can spend every waking hour together and get overkill... like I said before, we're taking things slowly and seeing what happens. But it will just be so nice that if we want to see each other, or do something, or spend time together, then we will be able to. Sheffield is just too far away. All FT has said since she found out she got this job is 'I can't wait to move to London, and to be closer to you'. And neither can I! It'll be the difference between missing each other and being able to see each other and missing each other and having to wait for some time before seeing each other.


Now I'm all set on getting my arse into gear to get me a good job with a fair income good and proper so I can get a place away from the parents.





I remember my grandad saying something when he was alive. He died when I was 7, and it never really made much sense to me at the time, but now I can see exactly what he meant. He said 'Life is what you make of it'. As a kid it seemed a fairly philosophical kinda thing to say that's obscure and you don't really understand. I carried on with my education for a far as it went because I thought it was important to make the most of those oportunities available to me. I guess even for a period I thought that was all that mattered and everything else would fall into place around it.


I guess I'm learning that's complete nonsense. Yes, I feel agrieved that I've been educated and have this degree that is supposed to stand me in good stead, yet I can't seem to get a job in the field that interests me. That doesn't seem fair. Nor does it seem fair that people in relationships that are far less stable than mine and FT's ever was are still together and we're where we are now. I don't want a job that doesn't interest me, or in a field that isn't what I've trained in, it feels like it defeats the purpose of my three years at uni. I don't want things not to work out with FT. I don't want to be living away from my friends or family and people who are important to me. I don't want to be living at home with my parents. I want a job in a field I love and enjoy, I want to share my life with FT and her to share hers with me, I want my own place, I want a decent wage, I want my friends and family close by, and I just want to be happy.


Grandad said 'life is what you make of it'. 'You' being the operative word! Some things and some aspects of life you may have control over. Others you can influence either directly or indirectly. And others are completely out of your hands. But then the buck still stops with you to redirect it and change things to make yourself happy.


Sitting here and getting down and depressed that I'm not getting these jobs I'm applying for isn't getting me any closer to getting one. It's not getting me any closer to getting a place of my own. It doesn't change the dynamics of my degree. Nor does getting jealous about what other people have and how they fall on their feet. The only thing is does change is how I feel about myself, and consequently how other people feel about me. Maybe it's just me, but there's something incredibly attractive about the woman that goes out there, doesn't compromise her standards or beliefs and never gives up on what she wants. No matter what life throws at her, she carries on, and makes the absolute most out of it that she can get.





Yeah, things are far from perfect for me right now... but I'm going out there as one of those 'go getters'. It's the only way I can move forward. And I need to do it for myself rather than on the crest of someone else's wave. It's the only way I'll feel better about me, and without that, I'll just go right back to square one.


I feel like right now, I have a chance to go for whatever I want... aim for it all! Aim for the sky, as you're never certain how far you'll hit!


I know it's a crap story as a side bar example, but when I was at school, I was the most competative person in sports going. Everyone in my form was far less enthusiastic and were often impossible to rally round. I was frequently chosen as team captain for various sporting events as no one else could be bothered. I knew that was the case, but it didn't deter me from my goal. Our form was rubbish at netball, and I was goal keeper, which is ironic as I'm only 5'6'', so hardly tall! And the goal shooter on one of the other teams was about 6'0'' - liteterally - she only had to tip her wrist and the ball dropped in the net. I spent a whole game jumping up and down frantically trying to defend the goal. We got beat hands down. And I was knackered. I remember going into English afterwards incredibly dejected while everyone else was carefree. My teacher, Mr Farrell, stopped me and congratulated me on the game and how amazing it was. I looked at him puzzled and said, 'Sir, I think you've got it wrong, we lost!' And he replied 'You lost the game, but you worked harder than everyone else out there, and that showed by miles. You earned the respect of everyone on your team as well as the other team and everyone watching'.


I felt a fool really - I was like a leprechaun jumping up against a giraffe. And at the time, his speach didn't mean anything as I'd lost and that was all I was concerned with, as competative as I was. But looking back now, I've learned so much from that. I didn't give up. I knew we'd lose. But I never lost hope that a miracle might happen. I believed in myself.


In a sense, I won more that day than I lost. The next sports tournament was handball, and again, we were favourites to get beat by a different class this time. I had more success at rallying a team, but we were still a member short. I don't know how, but our form tutor took the challenge of joining the team, which made us prime targets to get slaughtered as everyone wanted to beat a teacher. Our first 2 matches we'd won 2-1, and our opposing finalists had beat the other 2 teams 2-0 were so much better than us. I devised a tactic for us to follow, so each member knew what they were doing so there was less confusion. In a normal class sports setting I'd have been dissed by the rest for taking it too seriously (like when in goal at football once even my class were chanting 'the gloves don't work' - a reworking of the verve's the drugs don't work). But this time everyone just accepted their roles and even those not playing came along to watch the final. With those tactics and teamwork we beat the unbeaten team 2-0.


I guess the moral of my story is that you learn and achieve a lot more by not giving up and fighting for what you want and what you believe is right. You might not always win, but in the long run, you might just realise that you won something that at the time you didn't even know existed.


Back then I used to believe in myself. And nothing would stop me. And I really did get the piss taken out of me something rotten. But I never gave up.


I don't know where that went. I just feel like I got so caught up in wanting things and getting dejected when things didn't go how I wanted them to, that I lost the belief I had in me to get them.


I hold my life in my hands, and what I make of it is my responsibility. If I want a science job, then I need to keep knocking on doors or taking alternatives until I get one. If I want things to work with FT, then I need to be positive and show her how much I have to offer her, and remind her how it feels when I make her smile like that, rather than sitting and moping when something doesn't go quite as I'd have liked it to. If I want a place of my own, then I need to get a job and save for one, a fortune isn't going to just fall into my lap and give me everything I want.



The most important thing is, whatever happens, I believe in me... and that is a positive start!

Heaven In A...

That's how it feels like my life is right now. 'Heaven in a...' a whole series of things! Heaven in the sunshine, heaven in a bed, heaven in a smell, a glance, a touch, a smile, even heaven in an orgasm, or maybe even many as the case may be.

For once the world feels good again. Dare I say, even almost perfect for right now. I'm just hoping that fate doesn't get pissed off and intervene now I've uttered those few small words!

I'm still in Sheffield, visiting FT, who is busy working right now, and I couldn't contain myself any longer than to post something about how things are going, as people have been asking.

Incredible even wouldn't be a close enough word to use! Somehow, we just fit together irreplacably well. It's something that just feels so natural and so right, even when after everything, the law of averages and the synical people in this world say it shouldn't!

I'm coming towards the end of my stay, and in some ways it feels like I've been here for ages (in the very best and most pleasant of senses), and in other ways it feels like I've only been here five minutes! I'm supposed to be heading back to London tomorrow. That was the plan. I may have a job interview on Friday, but I don't know yet! Either way, neither of us want me to go back just yet. And the only thing that's forcing me to make the shunt and go is the thought that too much too soon might fuck it all up completely, and neither of us want that to happen. Although we both know that it doesn't matter where I am anyway, she always has my heart with her, and neither of us can change that. And I wouldn't want to.

It's been an absolutely amazing few days! I can't begin to express just how incredible its been. We've done so much, and the days and nights have been jam packed with stuff. From shopping, to baking and cooking together, to listening to music, to watching TV, to going for lunch and dinner, to playing with Spoonsie, to play fighting and tickles, to sharing showers, to having lots and lots of cuddles, to massages, to making mad passionate love, and then drifting off to sleep in each others arms, quite literally.

It has been absolutely amazing. You know how sometimes you go on holiday to somewhere new, to experience something you never have before? Like a new culture, or a new place, or to see something completely enthralling and exciting? Well that is exactly how these past few days have been! Some things are familiar, and set in their ways, and are what make us just connect and get on so well, and make us so perfect together, but other things are new and exciting and we're learning and exploring so many new and different things about each other, that I don't think we even thought was possible when we were together. It's just been incredible!

We have had some of the most loving and intense cuddles and affection I think we've ever had. And we've fallen asleep entertwined in each others arms every single night without fail, and had the most incredible, deep relaxing sleeps that we've had in ages. Nothing ever feels like that when she's not around. I can't explain it, and people think I exaggerate, but I'm telling you, you just have to feel it, there is nothing like it. And FT says exactly the same!

We've also had the most incredible love making sessions ever! Now whenever we make love, it is always without fail intense, and deep, and incredible, and on a complete level that no one else could ever even dream of getting to. But these past few days have just been off the page something else! I can't explain how incredible it has been to put my hands all over her body... and my hands have been by no means the only thing I have used. But that deep incredible connection we share, is still there, and just seems to get deeper!
I have never met a woman that melts my heart like FT does, or sets me completely on fire that way that she manages to. I mean, yes, we all find other people attractive, but her. She is something else entirely. She takes attraction and intensity, and mad passionate, 'can't keep our hands off each other' kind of passion to the next extreme. It is unreal! Truly!
We were reading an article in the May edition of Diva in the park the other day, on the different types of female orgasm, and whether or not lesbians feel the need to orgasm every time they have sex or whether it is the journey that counts. Now I suppose I'm not one to comment really, as FT is the only woman I've ever been with, and every single time we've made love, she has made me orgasm and I have successfully managed the same for her, in many different ways, with no complaints at all, so I can't understand the bit about not experiencing an orgasm, as I always have. And I mean, well if when you masturbate and you can't manage to orgasm, then it gets incredibly frustrating, and I suppose we tend to masturbate to cum, or what else is the point? Anyway I digressed. But we did both agree to experiencing different types of orgasm, depending on exactly what we're doing to each other.
There was this one comment made about fisting. Something which has been dear to both our heart both while we were together, and now. There's something about the most intense, dirty sex you can possibly have, that just feels so incredibly right with us because we love and trust each other so much. I had always wanted to experience fisting with FT, just because it's something so much more intimate than many couples would ever contemplate doing. Only we both resigned ourselves to the fact that it would never happen, as my hands are quite large, and it would never be possible without causing too much pain, which is the last thing I wanted to do.
However, I'm not going into detail, because I don't intend to turn this post into soft porn, or put too much emphasis on the sex, as there has been so much more positive stuff to these few days which have made it incredible, but let's just say that things aren't always as they seem at first, and where there's a will, there most certainly is a way!
I think that was the most incredible session of love making I have ever experienced! It completely blew me away. I have never ever seen FT like that. And it was the biggest and most intense orgasm she has ever had. It was out of this world!

So many things this weekend have been so good, and just work, and just fit. And I think if anything, we have both realised that although we're not together anymore, and we're seeing how things go, that our paths aren't quite so different as they initially seemed before.

There has also been some excellent news.
The summer placement job that FT went to interview for last week, well she heard today that she's got the job! And it's in London and starts on the 2nd July! So she is definetely moving to London! And it's just down the road from where I'm living at the moment!
We are both completely made up! I suppose I was always worried that she'd not end up moving down, particularly when things got a little difficult with us. But now she has this job, and it is just incredible! It will be so good to be in the same city again, without many of the pressures and reminders that Sheffield has to offer. So maybe its the perfect chance to really see how things go?!
Aside from that, I am just so pleased she's got the job. Particularly when the past couple of days she's done nothing but doubt that she had it... and apparently, they couldn't have been more impressed with her! It is just so wonderful that someone else out there can see so much of the potential and greatness in her that I see on a day to day basis. I can't stop smiling... I'm so proud!

I was also incredibly made up as I got to see FT's Dad, PCP (PC as he's a police man). on Friday when I got here. I've always loved PCP, and to be honest, he's always been a bit of a surrogate dad to me since we were together, as my Dad has never really had that much in common with me, where as PCP just makes me laugh, and we have a similar sense of humour. It was ace! We hadn't been in long when he had me in stitches of laughter about some eye exam to check his peripheral vision, telling me how the second time he was looking all round the box for the lights... I suppose you had to be there, and it's not so much what he says, as the way he says it... it was great to see him, and our little Beby Hound Alby who I hadn't seen in ages. It was just so good to see them. And even more amazing to see how pleased FT was to see me when I finally got there, even though I'd only seen her the day before in London! It made my day!

I suppose in some ways it wasn't easy coming back to the flat. It was our home, and now it's hers and not mine. I found it a little difficult to start with, and perhaps acted a little weird, as it was just a bunch of memories and reminded me a bit of all we had and lost. But She still has our picture on the desk beside her bed, and in the lounge on top of the DVD rack. And once I got a mental grip on that, and looked at the positives of things rather than dwelling on the difficult things, everything has just been incredible ever since.

I guess one thing I found really difficult was something I first noticed when she came back from the US. She'd stopped wearing the eternity ring that I'd given her. Now I'd be lying if I didn't say it upset me. But then she knows me inside out anyway, so she knows that it does. We've spoke about it, and she explained to me that she took it off when she was mad at me at the time when I was at my lowest and had tried killing myself (not that she knew this at the time), when I was not answering any of her phone calls or emails or anything. To be fair, I was being a selfish twat at the time, but my head wasn't in any place. So I don't blame her for taking it off. That said though, I'm far too much of a superstitious so an so for my own good, which is why the ring thing bothers me. Although I am trying not to be a complete freak with OCD about it. I guess, yes, the dimensions of things have changed between us, from when we gave each other the rings. But I guess in my head, I suppose I thought that wearing the rings would mean that no matter what was happening in our lives, wherever we were, or whenever we would always have something on us to remind us that there was always one person in the world out there that believed in us, and would always be there for us, through everything. Like no matter where you are, the other one is always looking out for you. Call it the superstitious in me, but that's how I see it, and how I know that there's someone out there that sees me and loves me on a whole other level to any way anyone else ever could. I just like visual symbols of things that mean something. It's just me and who I am.
I guess it's different for her. She has a ring that she's inherited from her mum that was her nan's, and her mum gave it to her so that her nan would always see she was OK and look after her. I guess our rings meant the same to me, but then she doesn't need two guardian angels. And so long as she knows in her heart all of that anyway, then it shouldn't matter about having a symbol. Although I do like mine! The only way it is ever coming off is if someone chops my finger off! Literally, and it's part of my somewhat morbid request that it is buried with me when I die (a list of my requests of anything happens to me will be posted on here with an explanation of my reasoning, as well as given to my nearest and dearest, as my mother, bless her wonderful heart, can be a bit of a control freak, and if I go before she does, I want people fighting my corner for what I want, rather than what I would hate to happen).
Anyway, I digressed again! Something that did fill me with joy though, as a positive to my disappointment about the ring, is that she always wears the pearl necklace I got her. Now this is special, and at the time, I never dreamed she'd love it half as much as she does. I went away with my family for a week about a year and a half ago to the Isle of Wight. My one joy of going was to go to the pearl factory where there are millions of pearls imported from Japan and made into jewellery. Well they had this thing where you could pick an oyster out of a tank and you got to keep the pearl inside it. There were pearls of different grades and colours and sizes, none of which you knew until you picked and opened your oyster. So I picked one for FT and opened it, to find a 7mm gold pearl inside. To which I chose a twirly curvy silver fastening for it to be mounted on, and then made into a necklace. At the time, I was over the moon with it... thought it could possibly be the sweetest, most romantic present you could get for someone you loved... and I guess I was right... she loved it. She still loves it, and still wears it to this day. I guess that means just as much as a daft ring anyway.

Maybe it's just me, but me, FT and Spoons all seem happier when we are around each other! I haven't woken up once this week and not had FT say how different Spoonsie is having me around, and how she loves coming up to us both in the morning for cuddles and making a huge fuss of us both. And how she adores playing with me and having me around. It's lovely to know that. And I know I'm much happier around them!
I've even seen in FT herself that gorgeous smile that just exudes happiness. That same sort of smile that makes me feel complete and happy inside. Something that she just doesn't have at other times. And I'm not the only one to say so. She showed me a picture of her which upset me. Not because it was a horrible picture, or because she looked like life was perfect without me, but on the contrary. It upset me because knowing her inside out, I could tell she wasn't glowing inside. I suppose I take it for granted that I get to see that smile, both inside and out. Not just in her face, but in her eyes and soul. I guess I never really have seen her without it until then. And it upset me because I know she deserves more than that. All I ever want to do it make her happy, make her feel loved and respected and cared for, and to make her smile like that. I went to sleep that night with tears in my eyes.
I know I've had my fuck ups, and I'm by no means perfect, but I do still make her smile, and get to see that in her. I never realised how incredible and precious that really is.
I guess I'm learning and respecting things a lot more than I ever did before, and not taking things for granted as much. Even painful and upsetting lessons are worth learning if you can improve from them... I'm just realising how important a fact that is.

As I said, things right now are incredible! The sun is shining. I've had a fantastic almost-week with my two favourite people in the world, the beautiful and gorgeous FT, and the lovely Spoonsie, and for once, right now, I'm enjoying how things are going in my life. I couldn't be happier! Heaven in a... a lifetime sounds about right for me right now!

Love Me Still

We heard this song while out shopping on Saturday. It resonates amazingly with how we feel about each other. Sometimes, maybe just occasionally, a single song can sum things up without any extrapolation. I'll let it do the talking, and recomend that you go and find it.

Love Me Still
By Louise Setara

Here is my hand for you to hold
Here's the part of me they have not sold
I've wandered far, I’ve had my fill
I need you now, do you love me still

Only you have seen the hidden part of me
Call me foolhardy if you will
But I loved you when, do you love me still

So many smiles and lies surround me
Empty expectations, faceless fears
Sometimes this life is a bitter pill
I love you now, do you love me still

You have been mine since time untold
Our love is immortal, don't you know
Others will come, and they will go
But I loved you young, I love you old

Only you have seen, the other side of me
Call me naive, I think you will
But I loved you then, do you love me still

Here are the eyes that only see you
Here is the mouth that only calls your name
Here is the soul that can not kill
I love you now, do you love me still

It's Only Words, And Words Are All I Have, To Take Your Heart Away...

OK, so it's a little corny, but it's how I feel. I'm in Sheffield right now, visiting FT. I want to post about that right now, but then I want to spend every waking hour with her, and so am not wasting any time with posting in great depth. There were just a few things I needed to post while they were fresh in my mind. The story will be foretold later on no doubt.

I was shopping today while FT was in a lecture. I found something I'd been looking for for a while. A literary record if you like of a present I gave her when we were together. A scroll that said how I felt at the time. I stood in the shop today and copied all the words into a draft message on my phone... not sure it was strictly legal, but there you go!

And in the process, I realised the words are just applicable and mean just as much now about the way I feel about her and about us as I ever did. And I wanted to post them on here:

This Is From My Heart With Love To You…


This is for every hour we have spent together.
For every kiss, each embrace,
And each tear shed for one another.
For every precious moment we have created,
Just by being Together.
For all the times we managed to work through our anger
And our tears.
For all the times I was distressed and you were patient.
For all the beautiful memories of the love we have made.
And given to each other, of all the tenderness,
And love that you have shown to me,
All the little things that you have done for me,
That in time have added up to be so great.
Most of all this is from me,
To show you just how special I believe you really are,
To thank you for everything you have done for me,
And let you know exactly how I feel about you,
And remind you that I will always love you.

Paradise

So I've been firlmy rapped over the knuckles for leaving my last post in such a position, and not elaborating any further for nearly a week. So I'll carry on where I left off, and fill in the bits that have happened since...

So I set off last Wednesday morning with my overnight bag in hand, to go and spend the day with FT. She was staying with a friend over the other side of London from me, so I had a bit of a journey, and so took the car.
I must confess, that after Monday night, I kinda felt like any hope and dreams I had of us rekindling anything between us more than friendship were something which I'd just spend the rest of my life hoping for but never quite attaining. Yes, the sexual attraction was there in the bucket-loads, but I just felt like I'd almost tried too hard on Monday to make a good impression and to show her that I wasn't really that crazy person she'd seen so much of over the past few months, that I'd just completely blown everything. I'd love to say I was 'resolved' to the just friends thing, but when you feel the way I feel about FT, I don't think you could ever be resolved. I was gutted, maybe a little angry and frustrated with myself, but then that's no different to how I've been feeling for a while anyway, and I was just so looking forward to getting to spend the day with her, and to do lots of fun things, maybe go to the park, or shopping or go for food and drinks, I was focusing on that rather than beating myself up completely. It was a case of 'Come on Luce, be greatful for what you've got!'
Lets just say her opening the door with a towel around her, and being in the middle of a shower did nothing to stop the feelings and passion I had burning down inside. But I was good, I behaved myself! Even if my mind was on anything but behaving myself. I played with Spoons, having her running up and down the hall like a mad dog while FT was getting dressed. I guess I didn't think Spoonsie had missed me quite as much as she had. I mean, how can a dog show you how much she's missed you? She was absolutely mad. Jumping all around me, and following me and begging me to play with her. Giving me paw, and kisses. I spent about 10 minutes grinning from ear to ear that she was so pleased to have me around again. And I don't think I realised quite how much I'd missed her!
When FT was dressed, we sat and had Croissants for breakfast and just sat on the sofa and chatted. It just felt so nice to be doing something normal, and just getting on! There was no pressure at all, and we both seemed to be enjoying spending time together and catching up properly. Before we knew it, we were sat there on the sofa, and Spoonsie came up and sat right on the pair of us! Bum on my lap, and head on FT's arm and shoulder. Now she is a dog to come up for a cuddle, but not a proper sit on you lap dog like that... I mean, she's a labrador for christ's sake! We must have sat like that for like half an hour or so, just marvelling at how the dog seemed just so happy and content that we were together, and how she blatantly wasn't really comfortable on our laps, but was refusing to move. When she eventually did get up, we all got a bit hyperactive and played with her... chasing us up and down the hall. Like I said, just normal stuff and laughing and joking around.
I don't think either of us have smiled and laughed and been that happy in ages. Before either of us knew what was happening, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. This wasn't planned at all. Believe me, the last think I had in my head when I left home that morning was that we'd end up all over each other. I think we were both apprehensive. We've both agreed to be feeling the same about each other, as I explained in my last post, but neither of us wants to hurt either ourselves or each other. So the sensible thing to have done would have been to stop right? Well. We couldn't! The last time we made love was when I went to visit FT in Sheffield in January, and that turned out to be a disaster. We were both in a mess and not really in any mental or emotional state back then, and it felt different. It felt like it was 'just sex', and we'd been so used to such a strong connection. I was scared that this would feel like that. That it would mean that it wasn't meant to be, that any deep connection between us was lost, and that it would screw up any chance of even a friendship with her. But I still couldn't keep my hands off her! We made love, and it was incredible! It just felt amazing, and so right to have her touch me, and to have my hands all over her. It didn't feel wrong, or strange, or like it was 'just sex'. There was such strong desire, passion, and love. There was a connection! It just felt so right, and so natural, and we both wanted it. It seriously was incredible and amazing. And I'm not just talking about the orgasm. We lay in each others arms, just holding each other for ages. Like nothing and no one else in the world mattered. We must have spent the ages in bed, and before we knew it, it was getting on for late afternoon and we hadn't gone shopping or anything!
We eventually ventured out, with Spoonsie in tow, to go and do some shopping. It was just out of this world to be with each other, and to spend time together. I think in that afternoon we realised that whatever is going on between us right now, is more than 'just sex'. We both had the same look on our faces. That look that no one else can even come close to achieving. The look of pure happiness, joy, and love. We shopped and flirted around each other, and had a meal at a fantastic Chinese restaurant, but it was just all the little things that made it so wonderful. Touching hands, and leaning into each other, hugs and spontaneous kisses, that sort of thing throughout the whole day. It was just incredible. I just felt so relaxed, and like I was myself. I wasn't trying too hard, or stressed about making something perfect, or wanting something to happen, we were just going with the flow and doing what came naturally. It was incredible! And that's all I've wanted for us for a long time. The irony of when you stop looking for it, or trying to force it, that it actually happens!
We topped off the whole incredible day by spending the night together. We cuddled, wrapped in each others arms, listened to music, massaged our aching bodies, and made mad, passionate, incredible love, in every way imaginable, before falling asleep, intertwined in each others arms, completely relaxed for the most incredible sleep I've had in months! We just held each other all night. There wasn't a second that we weren't wrapped up in each other... it was amazing! It was paradise!

I wish I had all the answers right now as to exactly what the hell is going on with us. I can't even lie and say that I thought I had my feelings for her burried. I haven't, and I never did. I was more resigned to the fact that I would never find anyone who I could love and feel like that for, and that those aspects of my feelings were effectively surrendered. I suppose I was trying to learn to live without them.
The fact is, my feelings are as they always were. When the phone rings and it is her, I get goosebumps on my arms and neck. When she walks into the room, I feel my heart completely miss a beat, I get goosebumps all over my body, and I physically catch my breath. When she touches me, I feel my skin tingle, and my heart starts beating faster. When she says my name, again, my heart misses a beat. And all the while, I'm grinning from ear to ear, that kind of stupid grin that you never ever get at any other time.
And that's still there.
I've seen in her this past week, all those similar sorts of looks and feelings that she had when we were together, and when it was good. And I've had them too. It's been incredible.

You know, honestly right now, if someone was to give me a choice of turning back the clock and going back to what we had before, or carrying on just enjoying all this that we're sharing and loving about each other right now, I'd chose this, without question. I mean, I know that sounds crazy, because what we had before things went wrong was so certain and so solid, and right now, it's a bunch of 'maybe' and 'see how and where things go', and I suppose in a 'new' relationship when you go through that, you don't know the potential or how things could be, or even what you'll miss if it doesn't work out, whereas the downside to where we are right now is that we know all that because we've been there before. But I wouldn't go back. Not when we've both come so far, and as much as we've both tried to back off and stay away because we don't want to hurt anymore, there is something that just draws us to each other. And that overrides everything else.
Just when I thought I had a handle on this thing called love, and I understood what it meant to be in love, it just brings everything to a whole new level, and I feel like I'm still learning! Which is a good thing I don't doubt, but it's just crazy.
Everyone thinks I'm mad, and that they don't want to see me hurt again. And that's the last thing I want. Believe me, I've been down this road of self destruction and more hurt than I ever believed was possible for the soul to sustain. But it has sustained it. It's still here, and it feels just the same as it did before, if not more strongly. I'm still in love with her. And all the time I was hurting, and all the time I wanted to do something stupid, never once did I ever want to cause her any pain, and never once did I get mad or angry at her, or resent her, or wish that things went bad for her. Not once. And I can be a pretty bitter and resentful person. I mean, yeah, call me evil, but I've secretly been hoping that everyone elses relationships fall flat on their face ever since FT and I broke up, because if we weren't meant to be together, then how can anybody else be? Yeah, maybe it's childish, and maybe it is bitter and selfish, but it's how I've been feeling. But then that's just to exemplify just how bitter and resentful I can be. So how come, for the woman in the world that meant more to me than life itself, and who however unintentionally, hurt me more than I ever felt it was possible to humanly hurt, that I didn't and never have felt any of that? One word. Love. I love that woman beyond belief. And I know I used to tell her all the time, and say it all the time, but I don't think I ever really understood what it meant until now.
I don't think you ever really understand love. I think you learn as you go on, and how your heart and soul encounters new things and finds ways of dealing and coming to terms with them, that's when you learn a little more what true love really is.
She knows how I feel about her. That's never been in question. I remember being the first to blurt it out when we first started seeing each other, and then thinking 'oh shit, what if she doesn't feel the same?' But she did. And she said it back, and I could tell by her face that she meant it. I guess I didn't want to tell her I love her last week, because I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to force us into a situation. I found myself having to really fight the urge to just blurt it out. She beat me too it. She said 'I love you'. And I had no hesitation in saying it back. It's how I feel, and no one or nothing could ever change that or take that away.

We've both spoke long and hard about what is going on between us right now. And there are no answers. We're just seeing how things go and following our hearts and our feelings. We're doing what we enjoy. Neither of us are trying to force anything, or pressure each other. We're just doing what feels right at the time. And if fate has it in store for us to be together, then we will be. In every sense.
We've had a talk about how we feel, and we've both said that we love each other, and that we'll never feel the same about anyone else whatever happens between us. And she's told me that I'm perfect and the only woman for her. And I've told her that she knows that she's the only woman for me, and she's perfect in every way. Now we just need to see if we can be perfect together. Like I said, we're just going to see how things go, and hopefully just enjoy spending time together, and whatever else happens is a bonus.
But I do feel like the luckiest woman alive!

She went out with friends the other night, back to her parent's in Stoke. I'd gone out with friends during the day, and was gutted that I wouldn't get chance to talk to her properly that day. I sent her a text telling her how much I was missing her, and that I hoped she had a good night. And I woke up in the morning to find that she'd sent me a text while I was sleeping, telling me that she was missing me, and that she loved me, and that I was the only woman for her who made her world complete. I woke up in the morning and had tears in my eyes. What can you say to that? She's told me that she's spoken to her parents about what's going on, and they've said that if we feel like we do, then we should give things another go because love like that doesn't come around often. And I thought her mum hated me! Aparently, she was telling FT that it's lovely to see just how in love with her I am and how much I care about her! So it puts an ear to ear grin on my face that someone can see exactly how I feel!

She's coming down to London tomorrow for an interview, and I'm meeting her and spending the day with her again. Neither of us can wait!
And we're planning on me going to Sheffield to visit for a few days very very soon. Something else which we can't wait for!

Like I said, it's early days yet, and we're seeing how things go.

The one thing I can't deny is that I love her. More than I ever believed possible. I always have, and I always will. Whatever happens!

Walk This Way...

So my blog posts of late have been sporadic and a little mad and random. I think I've probably started about 5 or 6 and ended up saving them as drafts, not quite knowing what to post or how to post it. A seeming amount of writers block maybe? Or more to the point, maybe I've just been struggling to come to terms with how things have been going in my head of late, and not wanting to put pen to paper and say something I might regret, or not even mean, I've been trying to step back and analyse things first to give me some clarity.
So excuse the muffled attempt at a 'poem' that was the last blog post. I was beside myself with something or other. And if I didn't know better at the time, I'd have said I was 'on something', but I really wasn't! I've had one disasterous attempt at taking recreational drugs, even though I've always stipulated I have more respect for the scientific workings of my body than to try it. But that was at part of my extreme low point, and it's something I'll never go back to! Ever! And as for alcohol, after my pitiful (and thankfully it was) attempt at suicide and a gut-full of paracetamol, I can't so much as have more than a glass of alcohol (not even spirit and mixer) without bringing it straight back up, so I was clean and sobre. Just incredibly random. So sorry for the poetry post! I think I'll stick to factual, feeling-based prose in future, unless I have a moment of unadulterated genius!

I've had a mad few weeks. I'm probably going to go over some things, perhaps with a new spin, as I'm finally in a position to put a perspective on my life of late, so excuse any steping on old ground.
So FT came back from the US, and I met her at Gatwick airport as she'd had a mix up with the airports which she was flying from and returning to. As I've said before, she was extending her trip to NY to visit someone in New Orleans, which I was very concerned about. I got to the airport early, and was sitting there, reading my Jeremy Clarkson book, half sure she wouldn't be on that plane, and I'd have to jump on one to go and rescue her. I was scared she wouldn't come back. I was scared she couldn't come back. Maybe I'm sounding a little weird here, but I really was fearing the worst. As it turns out, I didn't have anything to worry about quite as much as I was doing, as usual I did blow things out of proportion abit. But I did get a bit of the impression that things weren't quite as clear sailing as she'd expected them to be, and perhaps my worst fears weren't completely unfounded. Either way, the incredibly early morning for me and all the worry was completely worthwhile when she appeared through the arrivals lounge. I think I forgot right there and then how or why I was so worried, and I was just so pleased to see her. I wanted to wrap my arms around here then and tell her how good it was to see her. It'd been ages. But I had to hold back. She was tired. And the last thing I wanted was her thinking I was some crazy ex, so I backed off. Half relieved that I didn't have a ring in my pocket so I couldn't do something stupid like get down on one knee, which was of course what I wanted to do when she came back from Africa when we were still together.
I've been managing to do a fairly good job about bottling up how I feel, or at least expressing it. I suppose I am developing a self preservation streak after all. I know how I feel, and that has never changed, not even after everything that has happened, and in the time we've been apart. Yes, I have been able to try and move my life on in spite of how I feel, and succeeding to a certain extent, but it doesn't change how I feel inside. I went up to Sheffield while FT was away, and even there I was telling Dora the self same thing. I think my exact words were 'even after all this time, even after everything that's happened and is happening, I'm still madly in love with her, and miss her more than she'll ever understand. And I'd still do anything for her, but I can't destroy me in the process'. And there is the difference in me. I couldn't say that before.
So I'm at the airport. And I wanted her to hug me, and tell me that she'd missed me, and maybe even say she'd had a crap time. Well, I'm only human afterall. I guess we're both adapting to self preservation. She didn't say it. But I knew something was up when she started crying behind my sunglasses she'd borrowed in the car. I knew she was hurting about something. And I knew I was hurting. I didn't press things. I love her too much to want her to hurt. I just wished it didn't have to be like that. And yes, it hurt like hell.
I got her to the station, and we were waiting for the train. Even with her tired, well, exhausted to be honest, just having her around made me smile. Like I said, it was worth the effort and even all the pain to feel like that again. Having coffee in the station, something happened. I don't know how or why, but we kissed. And then both blushed completely. We both knew it shouldn't have, and that we should have been stronger and kept things, feelings at bay. But it did happen. I didn't know how to post after that. How can you put into words quite what is and has been going on? I mean, it doesn't matter what we say, or what our heads know is a sensible thing to do and what isn't, but we both know each other well enough to know that we both feel something for each other stronger than just a 'friendship' vibe. And I really can't put things into words, because anything I say makes things look like I'm trying to extrapolate a situation to see what I want out of it. But that isn't the case. For the first time ever, I actually feel like I'm moving forward in all this, but there is something there. For the first time ever, I've been actually understanding how I feel. And what I feel is pure and utter, unconditional love for her. I do still firmly believe she's my soulmate, and that there will never be anyone for me like that ever in my life again. I'm in love with her, but I understand now how to live with those parts of my feelings surrendered and accepting that she may not ever feel the same way. It's the difference between survival and not. I'm not extrapolating the situation, which is why I couldn't post about it. She was coming down to London this week, and we were having dinner. I wanted to see how that went.

Before she went to the US, and we started talking on the phone again, we were talking about things with us being a battle of three things: the head which says to move on and stay away from each other, the heart which says we love each other and can't live without each other, and the pussy which says we're still incredibly attracted to each other and want to fuck each other at every available opportunity. And how things were an ongoing battle of what won out.
It's the same for both of us. I think that sums the situation up really well.
When she said she was coming to London to do some work experience, she asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. My instant reaction was 'yes, of course, I can't wait to see you', and then my second was 'hang on a minute, you only want to go out for dinner to prove your head right and your heart and pussy wrong, so I should say no so as I don't completely ruin things'. And her response was 'yeah, maybe your right, but you should say yes and be hell bent on proving me wrong'. So we arranged dinner for this Monday night.
I so wanted everything to be perfect. But as is my usual stance, I focus so hard on an event, and it completely takes over everything. I planned this amazing Italian meal at a posh restaurant near the Thames near Westminster bridge, and I wanted it to be all posh and special, and I wanted to look amazing and go out of my way to show her what an incredible woman she is, and then we could go for a walk along the Thames with Spoons after. Only it didn't quite seem to go as I'd intended it to! I mean, we had an amazing meal, and the restaurant was incredible, but I was so on edge about wanting everything to be 'just so' and to make her happy, I don't think I relaxed for a second the whole night. Well, not until we were walking along the Thames with Spoons running up and down and eating all she could find... naughty monkey.
I was really dispondent that night. I think I felt like I really had lost it all completely, and I'd proved her right in convincing her head it was right all along and that she really could ignore the heart and pussy after all. She said that I didn't express myself anymore, and I was like I used to be when we first started seeing each other and I was nervous and unsure. And that's exactly how I felt.
It felt like the crap first date you have when you really want to impress someone, and it just doesn't happen the way you imagined. She asked me to stay over that night too. It's make more sense than travelling back to lowly Peckham of all places really late at night, which wasn't the safest thing to do. But I was just feeling so dispondent, like I'd had the opportunity to show her the real me. The me who I always wanted to be, but for one reason or another when we were together, I coudn't be carefree enough to do it, and I'd screwed that up. I felt pretty low again, but knew I'd set myself up for the fall this time. We'd ended up together on the bed, me giving her a foot massage as both our feet were killing, and we both wanted each other. But I didn't want to do something she'd regret in the morning, and I just couldn't help thinking that if she'd found the evening as disappointing as I did, then it would just confirm things even further for her, and neither of us needed that. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want to hurt myself.
I reluctantly left, having more respect for her than to jump into her knickers when it was the one thing I wanted more than anything. Knowing that it was never and never will be, about just sex.
I'd spent the night on edge, and I wanted to show her I cared. I wanted to show her what she meant to me, and I wanted her to know how much I've missed her. In every way, not just a sexual way, and I just felt like I'd go so caught up with wanting to make it all perfect, that I hadn't achieved any of that as I wanted to, and I wasn't going to demean her by going down a sexual route. I think more of her than that, and she's worth so much more than that.
So I left like the perfect lady, after teasing us both senseless, with plans to spend the whole day together on Wednesday with me possibly staying over to take her to the station on Thursday.
I text her and asked if she was OK when I boarded the bus. I got a reply saying she was much better now she'd had a hot bath and an orgasm. I travelled home with extremely wet knickers and gave myself one when I got in.
And then I went to bed looking forward to Wednesday, when I was hoping things would be very fun, and very normal and natural. I figured I'd made a complete fool of myself already and couldn't make things any worse Wednesday, so it would be nice to spend some pressure-free time together and have lots of fun.

...Little did I know things on Monday maybe weren't as hopeless as I thought they had been when Wednesday came...