So I Might Come Across As Hard On The Outside, But I Have Feelings Too!

Right now I'm not sure if I'm feeling like this because it is a natural thing for me to feel, or because I have begun one hell of a period, which hasn't been regular, and I'm suffering for it. I'm in absolute agony, more than I've had in ages, and worse than that, everything seems to make me want to burst into tears and cry!

So I guess by that admission, I'm probably not completely rational. And probably everything that I'm thinking and feeling is amplified. It's all just a mess.

I'm missing FT again. But I'm trying to back off and not be in her face about it. She's had a couple of parties and night's out over this weekend, and so has either been feeling really rough, or in a hurry to get herself ready, and panicking immensely about whether or not she looks good. So I haven't got to speak to her much. I just miss her, that's all. And now I know she's got like a shedload of work and deadlines due and things, so is more than super busy, and more than extra major mega stressed. It upsets me that I'm not there with the kettle on, or living any closer to make dinner to make her life easier. That and it'd be the perfect opportunity to catch up and chat and spend time and chill together, without feeling like I'm distracting her from something important, or getting in the way of something she needs to get done, or feel like there's this unwritten thing like she's going to need to get off the phone in a second, because a 10 minute conversation is OK, but any longer gets too distracting. Which is fair enough, as her mum can phone and waffle for hours on end about nothing and before you know it, time just goes.
I just miss our little chats about everything and nothing in particular, and just catching up on how each other are and etc. But then I also get the feeling that I'm one person right now who is difficult to talk to, as I think I just make her stressed about everything she's got to do in terms of work and things. Not that I do it intentionally, but she knows me inside out, and she knows that the last thing I want is for her not to get things done, purely because I never stop blabbing on about how much potential she has and things. So I think I make her life difficult.
Which I hate that fact - I want to be the cool, ace one that takes her mind off of things and gives her a well needed break and conversation and things when she needs it. But then I feel incredibly guilty for distracting her. It's a catch-22 nightmare!
The bottom line is, I know that she's stressed, which is why I'm backing off.
Which is a nightmare when I miss her!
It'll be so much better when she's living in London!

So that's part of my irrational emotions right now. But there is something else.

Now I know this is completely blown out of all proportion because of period and hormone stuff, because generally, as initially hurt or upset I would be about it, it's the sort of thing I'd just wave off and say something like' well it's her loss then' and move on with my life.
But right now, I just can't shake the feeling of quite how upset I am, and quite how much is does actually hurt.
It's no secret that FT and I got together when we were living together in university accomodation. I'd already been in there a year, and was sharing with 2 other people who were also staying there for a second year - Dr T and Sarah. While FT and I were together, Sarah met her boyfriend Matt. And after the year was up FT and I moved in together, and Sarah and Matt were still together but not living together. They eventually moved in together the following year, while FT and I were still together. Dr T moved to London for work, and it just left Sarah & Matt and FT & I in Sheffield. Now I'm not saying we mingled loads with them, or they were particularly close friends, but FT and I did go out for meals with them, went round to theirs and had them round to ours for dinner, walked the dog with them. Went for coffee with them, invited them to our house party, etc. And prior to the 'couples' thing, when we lived together Sarah and I got on and I did a lot of stuff to help her out. She's blind, and so often had loads of problems with her computer. And even with a degree of my own to do, I would be the one putting myself out to spend an hour in a half in there trying to sort it out for her, or helping her order her tins of shopping so she knew what was what. Or picking up bits of shopping she needed, and having her quibble to the nearest penny about how much it cost. I'd be the one she ordered take away Indian with on a weekend and stuff like that. And then when she got a guide dog, I was the one cleaning out its poo pen and stuff like that.
Not that I minded. I'm not that sort of person. I'll do anything for everyone. And even on occasion, I'd have FT and Dr T getting cross and having a go at me, telling me 'not to let her take advantage of me'.
Even when she moved in with Matt, and he went away to a conference for a few weeks, and FT was in Africa for a month, Sarah invited me round for dinner, and we walked the dog.
All the kinds of things that lead you to believe you are actually liked by someone. I did it because I considered her to be a friend.
And even when FT and I separated, Sarah offered one of us a room in her place for a few weeks to sort ourselves out, seeming really gutted that we were separating, and willing to do anything to help. Again, something you'd consider the mark of a friend. So FT stayed for a few weeks, we agreed this as I would be the one moving out of our flat in the long run.

Yes, I admit, unfortunately, Sarah and I did have a fall out during this period. There was one night FT went out and I received a distressed phone call from her lost and scared. So still drunk myself and over the legal limit, I jumped in the car to her rescue. She was completely drunk and couldn't sit up straight. She told me she wanted to come back to the flat because she wanted me to look after her and make her feel safe. But then went hysterical that we couldn't leave Spoonsie at Sarah and Matt's overnight. I couldn't leave FT in the car unsupervised as it wouldn't have been safe, so I had to carry her in to get the dog. When we got there, Sarah was refusing to let FT leave the house, telling me that she and Matt (who was upstairs in bed) would look after her, and it wasn't might place to anymore. Yes, it hurt to have her say that, particularly when FT herself had called me and begged me to look after her and make her safe. I'm not condoning my actions - I'd had a right skinfull myself, but it's no excuse. Everytime Sarah kept saying FT should stay there, I told her to shut up. In an agressive manner. This was going on for about 30 minutes, and I had only gone in to collect the dog. I was scared and worried, and as far as I could see, Sarah was making it worse. I think I may have even threatened to shut her up myself at one point. Which is a totally unacceptable thing to do, particularly in her own house. I was out of line. No question. But I was upset, and scared, and the woman I loved was in a right state, and all I could think was that she wanted me to look after her, and it hurt to have it rubbed in my face that we weren't together anymore. I eventually got FT out and back to the flat.
The next day, I couldn't have been more appologetic to Sarah. I told her I was completely out of line, and tried to explain why I reacted like I did, but maintaining that I believed it was the right thing for FT to come back to the flat. She accepted my appology, although I suppose it was obvious a grudge still remained.
The thing with Sarah is, her grudge never stops her from putting up with you when she wants something done, or if it's something she wants to do. I guess sometimes you just think that when you're friends with someone, you understand that everyone makes mistakes and if they are open and honest enough to admit to them and appologise when they are wrong, or have done something to upset you, then you step forward and move on from it, having both learned something in the process. I guess I just thought that's what we'd done.
A few weeks later when I went to collect FT's belongings when she was moving back into the flat, Sarah unwittingly passed a comment to FT, not knowing I was standing there, not that it made it an acceptable comment, but I think it hurt me more than anyone else ever had done on an oppinion about our relationship. She said something about 'well at least you'll be financially better off without Lucy as you won't have to declare a partner anymore and you'll get more benefits because of it'. Having someone, who supposedly knew us. Had invited one of us to stay to 'help us sort things out', who was gutted when she found out we'd separated, stand there, and bring a relationship which was blatantly built on nothing but love and respect down to the value of money as if it were just a great relief that it was over and nothing else mattered. Especially when it was plain for the world to see how much I loved FT. That hurt.
She appologised when I replied to her comment, saying how sorry she was and that she didn't realise I was there - as though my presence or absence would have made such a comment any more acceptable.
Yes, I was hurt and upset, but I moved on!
The next day when I went round to collect remaining bits that FT had left she was acting normal, and 'supportive', and just like she used to be when we lived together.
So I thought everything was OK.

Yes, I suppose it did upset me a little that she'd ring FT to chat and see how she was and things, and I'd known her for a year longer, and spent lots of my time and effort putting myself out for her when no one else would. But you take Sarah with a pinch of salt - half the reason for keeping in FT's good books is the 'dog' issue. Sarah likes to have someone who will babysit Quanda when she wants them to, under the pretex of looking after or free-running Spoonsie. That and the fact that FT and I had promised them a meal on us for the offer of their room, so it was in her interests to keep in touch with FT. Being back in London, I could offer nothing, although after 4 years of friendship, it would have been nice to have been called once in a while, particularly when it was public knowledge at how emotionally appallingly I was handling it all!

Anyway, now there is a new twist. Sarah and Matt are engaged. FT was aprised with the information, I guess presuming she would pass it on. Which she did.
But I found out yesterday, from FT, that Sarah has set a date for the wedding (April 19th 2008), and FT is invited. And more than that, that she's trying to put her down 'without guest', which would make life difficult for FT. And apparently she then says 'oh well, you could bring Lucy I suppose, but I don't want any funny business'.
Yes it hurts.
It hurts like hell.
I never proclaimed to be her best friend, but I thought I was at least considered a friend.
A number of things upset me here. Like, why is it, that with people that feel like they have to 'pick sides' since FT and I separated, have all picked FT? First Kerry, who I was nothing but nice to when she and DF separated, and I thought that if any of us, she and I would be able to relate the most, as our situation was most similar. So I tried to explain there why I was upset... and that was the last I heard from her. And now Sarah. Although you could probably argue that I have been a cunt there to be fair. But I don't think it's unfair to feel that situations hadn't been resolved, when she herself leads you to believe that 'actually, you have upset me and that was out of line, but I can see why it happened, and I myself am not completely faultless for hurting you too'. That's what friends do.
So yeah, I am upset. Incredibly upset. And right now, I don't know how to handle the 'sod her, it's her loss' approach.

I just feel used. Completely and utterly used. It was OK, she'd tolerate me when she wanted someone to help her, or do something for her. She could forget the time I had a go at her about her badly behaved dog when she wanted me to pick its poo up, or fix her emails, or free run the dog with her. But now, apparently I'm not good enough anymore.
I think the thing that upsets me most of all, is yes, OK, I can be hot tempered, and get angry and go off about irrational things. But all of this seemingly relates to that incident when FT was drunk. And that was at a time in my life when I was not myself. I was completely beside myself, out of character, and at the beginings of a spiral to self destruction and attempted suicide. And I can't believe that someone who I considered a friend, and who lived with FT and I, and who could see on a daily basis just how in love with her, and how besotted with her I was, could not even take that into account for something very stupid that I said and regret.
The sign of someone with no sign of taking sides would be, that right now, she knows we are getting on well and things, so the chances are, we may still be in a year. Maybe send us both single invitations, and we could go together, or FT could take someone else with my invitation if we weren't getting on so well. Am I being unrational if she sends an invite to 'FT and Guest' and says to her you can bring Lucy if you want? Does that not negate what was actually a longer friendship than she and FT has had?
I just feel used.
I want to tell her to fuck off, but to be honest, even I didn't think even she could be as selfish as this.
I think if FT and I had our roles reversed, I'd have words with Sarah about it. Particularly as whether we're a couple anymore or not, collectively, FT and I have done more with and for her than either of us individually. And if there was no getting through, then I think I'd tell her to sod off.
But then it's not my call, its FT's.

See, something so fucking inconsequental and trivial has just left me feeling completely used and resigned to tears at the computer. It's even starting me thinking that I might not be a very nice person, and it doesn't matter what you do for people, nothing makes up for being horrible!