Mind you, I'm back from Sheffield now, and suddenly things aren't feeling so good again! I think I'm coming down with the flu, or a cold or something like that, which isn't good. And I think that's impacting on everything else and making me feel a little sad.
I'd have stayed on in Sheffield for as long as I could have, I'd never have left. But I think my main reason for heading back when I did was because I think that it's important right now that FT and I have space. If anything there is ever going to work, then we need to do things properly. And as much as the heart aches and says 'things just don't feel right when we're apart' or 'I can't stop thinking about her' or I can't sleep and wake up at 4am and the one thing I want to do is pick up the phone and call her. I think it's important we have that.
As crazy as it sounds. I love missing her. It feels good not be with her, and have her on my mind, wondering what she's doing and how she is etc. And I love knowing that she misses me. Calling each other when we've got a minute to talk, or just because we wanted to see how each other was. I think we missed so much of that when we were together. It might sound crazy, but we loved spending time together, and doing things together and stuff, we still do. But we did so much of that, I suppose the actual quality of the time we spent together was reduced because we were so used to it and took it for granted. And I don't want the same thing to happen again.
Like for example, this week, just walking around town, for lunch yesterday, and I was wearing a t-shirt, and she walks down the road on my arm stroking my arm. And it was just so obvious that we were both so overjoyed at spending some quality time together, and we didn't know how long it'll be until we next see each other, so we were just making the most of it.
That's what I'm talking about.
I think as much as we were in love, and loved each other so deeply when we were together, I don't think we ever really felt as completely valued as we have done spending time together these past few weeks, especially these past few days. It brings a completely new and fresh dimension to things.
Right now, I'm missing her like crazy! I know she's at uni, and I'd love nothing more than to be there and take her for lunch and for a drink between seminar and lecture. But even in a way, it's nice knowing that we've had the most amazing few days together, and now I'm back, and I really want to be spending time in the sunshine with her, but I can't do that. And maybe she's wishing I was there so we could go for a picnic in the Park with Spoonsie or something. Missing her and things like that just makes it all the more special next time we see each other, and gives us something to look forward to.
We did have one particular giggle yesterday which I wanted to share with the world, such is my beaming pride... whilst I was getting a ticket to park the car, FT got our little Spoonsie to jump into the driving seat of my car. It was a definete kodak moment and has to be shared with the world... Spoonsie Cab anyone?
I'm both extremely upset and pissed off at how much stuff I forgot to bring home with me! Now the right little femme side of me coming out, is turning into a bit of a vain so and so, so finding out that I've forgotten my perfume (the one she loves - which might not be such a bad thing to forget then), my hair wax, my hair freeze spray, my heat defence spray and my shine spray is a complete disaster! But at least I can go to the supermarket and get some more today... so that's not a complete loss.
Worse than that, I forgot my lovely wonderful mug that FT bought me back from the US... which is just crap... my coffee just didn't taste the same this morning!And worse still, while I was there, FT especially baked my favourite cake for me - pineapple upside down cake!
Now as you can see by the picture... it was the absolute most perfect cake ever! I don't think I've ever seen her so worried about making one. She forgot what to put in the mixture at first, and then forgot the cherries so had to put them in at the last minute. But the cake was absolutlely beautiful, and the most perfect cake ever! The sponge was the perfect thickness and consistency, and the sweetness was just spot on, with the right amount of pineapples and cherries... it was just the perfect cake! It was pure and utter 'heaven in a cakey'. So I was in blissful delight with it. There was a substantial portion left over, which FT said was mine to take home with me... you should have seen the delight on my face!Anyway, I gets back last night after a 4 and a half hour drive, to find that I couldn't find the cakey! I phoned FT and we discussed where it would be, and she couldn't find it there, and we remembered me putting it in the one remaining bag in the boot of my car. So I was in blissful ignorance, telling myself I'd go down and get it in the morning and have it for breakfast.
FT rang me this morning, while she was making her own breakfast, which was a pure 'great minds' moment, as I was just about to call her myself (but that's a digression, and we must focus on the cakey right now). Anyway, we were chatting away, and she went to sit down with her weetabix, which when she placed the bowl on the coffee table, she found my cakey! All wrapped up in the foil. I was gutted!
I had a bit of a moment, where I was feeling ill, and down, and I didn't hear back about this research job I really wanted, and I was really missing FT, and didn't sleep even half as well as I did this past week, and I'd left my mug she bought me, and I missed Spoonsie and family cuddles and things, and the cakey was the last straw. I started welling up and positively had tears in my eyes.
Instead of FT thinking I'd lost my marbles and gone completely mad, she was genuinely gutted that I was so upset about it, and when we reasoned that she couldn't post it because it might not arrive until Monday and wouldn't be any good by then, she said the nicest thing I think she's ever said about something so random and obscure as a forgotten cake: 'Well, I'll have to eat it for you then, because that way you'll still get it because you're part of me and I'm part of you'.
So the tears turned into a complete smile... there's nothing that could be said to that. It's just a truly wonderful thing to say!
We're both so excited about FT moving to London! Things will be so much better then. I'm not saying it'll mean we can spend every waking hour together and get overkill... like I said before, we're taking things slowly and seeing what happens. But it will just be so nice that if we want to see each other, or do something, or spend time together, then we will be able to. Sheffield is just too far away. All FT has said since she found out she got this job is 'I can't wait to move to London, and to be closer to you'. And neither can I! It'll be the difference between missing each other and being able to see each other and missing each other and having to wait for some time before seeing each other.
Now I'm all set on getting my arse into gear to get me a good job with a fair income good and proper so I can get a place away from the parents.
I remember my grandad saying something when he was alive. He died when I was 7, and it never really made much sense to me at the time, but now I can see exactly what he meant. He said 'Life is what you make of it'. As a kid it seemed a fairly philosophical kinda thing to say that's obscure and you don't really understand. I carried on with my education for a far as it went because I thought it was important to make the most of those oportunities available to me. I guess even for a period I thought that was all that mattered and everything else would fall into place around it.
I guess I'm learning that's complete nonsense. Yes, I feel agrieved that I've been educated and have this degree that is supposed to stand me in good stead, yet I can't seem to get a job in the field that interests me. That doesn't seem fair. Nor does it seem fair that people in relationships that are far less stable than mine and FT's ever was are still together and we're where we are now. I don't want a job that doesn't interest me, or in a field that isn't what I've trained in, it feels like it defeats the purpose of my three years at uni. I don't want things not to work out with FT. I don't want to be living away from my friends or family and people who are important to me. I don't want to be living at home with my parents. I want a job in a field I love and enjoy, I want to share my life with FT and her to share hers with me, I want my own place, I want a decent wage, I want my friends and family close by, and I just want to be happy.
Grandad said 'life is what you make of it'. 'You' being the operative word! Some things and some aspects of life you may have control over. Others you can influence either directly or indirectly. And others are completely out of your hands. But then the buck still stops with you to redirect it and change things to make yourself happy.
Sitting here and getting down and depressed that I'm not getting these jobs I'm applying for isn't getting me any closer to getting one. It's not getting me any closer to getting a place of my own. It doesn't change the dynamics of my degree. Nor does getting jealous about what other people have and how they fall on their feet. The only thing is does change is how I feel about myself, and consequently how other people feel about me. Maybe it's just me, but there's something incredibly attractive about the woman that goes out there, doesn't compromise her standards or beliefs and never gives up on what she wants. No matter what life throws at her, she carries on, and makes the absolute most out of it that she can get.
Yeah, things are far from perfect for me right now... but I'm going out there as one of those 'go getters'. It's the only way I can move forward. And I need to do it for myself rather than on the crest of someone else's wave. It's the only way I'll feel better about me, and without that, I'll just go right back to square one.
I feel like right now, I have a chance to go for whatever I want... aim for it all! Aim for the sky, as you're never certain how far you'll hit!
I know it's a crap story as a side bar example, but when I was at school, I was the most competative person in sports going. Everyone in my form was far less enthusiastic and were often impossible to rally round. I was frequently chosen as team captain for various sporting events as no one else could be bothered. I knew that was the case, but it didn't deter me from my goal. Our form was rubbish at netball, and I was goal keeper, which is ironic as I'm only 5'6'', so hardly tall! And the goal shooter on one of the other teams was about 6'0'' - liteterally - she only had to tip her wrist and the ball dropped in the net. I spent a whole game jumping up and down frantically trying to defend the goal. We got beat hands down. And I was knackered. I remember going into English afterwards incredibly dejected while everyone else was carefree. My teacher, Mr Farrell, stopped me and congratulated me on the game and how amazing it was. I looked at him puzzled and said, 'Sir, I think you've got it wrong, we lost!' And he replied 'You lost the game, but you worked harder than everyone else out there, and that showed by miles. You earned the respect of everyone on your team as well as the other team and everyone watching'.
I felt a fool really - I was like a leprechaun jumping up against a giraffe. And at the time, his speach didn't mean anything as I'd lost and that was all I was concerned with, as competative as I was. But looking back now, I've learned so much from that. I didn't give up. I knew we'd lose. But I never lost hope that a miracle might happen. I believed in myself.
In a sense, I won more that day than I lost. The next sports tournament was handball, and again, we were favourites to get beat by a different class this time. I had more success at rallying a team, but we were still a member short. I don't know how, but our form tutor took the challenge of joining the team, which made us prime targets to get slaughtered as everyone wanted to beat a teacher. Our first 2 matches we'd won 2-1, and our opposing finalists had beat the other 2 teams 2-0 were so much better than us. I devised a tactic for us to follow, so each member knew what they were doing so there was less confusion. In a normal class sports setting I'd have been dissed by the rest for taking it too seriously (like when in goal at football once even my class were chanting 'the gloves don't work' - a reworking of the verve's the drugs don't work). But this time everyone just accepted their roles and even those not playing came along to watch the final. With those tactics and teamwork we beat the unbeaten team 2-0.
I guess the moral of my story is that you learn and achieve a lot more by not giving up and fighting for what you want and what you believe is right. You might not always win, but in the long run, you might just realise that you won something that at the time you didn't even know existed.
Back then I used to believe in myself. And nothing would stop me. And I really did get the piss taken out of me something rotten. But I never gave up.
I don't know where that went. I just feel like I got so caught up in wanting things and getting dejected when things didn't go how I wanted them to, that I lost the belief I had in me to get them.
I hold my life in my hands, and what I make of it is my responsibility. If I want a science job, then I need to keep knocking on doors or taking alternatives until I get one. If I want things to work with FT, then I need to be positive and show her how much I have to offer her, and remind her how it feels when I make her smile like that, rather than sitting and moping when something doesn't go quite as I'd have liked it to. If I want a place of my own, then I need to get a job and save for one, a fortune isn't going to just fall into my lap and give me everything I want.
The most important thing is, whatever happens, I believe in me... and that is a positive start!
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