Heaven In A...

That's how it feels like my life is right now. 'Heaven in a...' a whole series of things! Heaven in the sunshine, heaven in a bed, heaven in a smell, a glance, a touch, a smile, even heaven in an orgasm, or maybe even many as the case may be.

For once the world feels good again. Dare I say, even almost perfect for right now. I'm just hoping that fate doesn't get pissed off and intervene now I've uttered those few small words!

I'm still in Sheffield, visiting FT, who is busy working right now, and I couldn't contain myself any longer than to post something about how things are going, as people have been asking.

Incredible even wouldn't be a close enough word to use! Somehow, we just fit together irreplacably well. It's something that just feels so natural and so right, even when after everything, the law of averages and the synical people in this world say it shouldn't!

I'm coming towards the end of my stay, and in some ways it feels like I've been here for ages (in the very best and most pleasant of senses), and in other ways it feels like I've only been here five minutes! I'm supposed to be heading back to London tomorrow. That was the plan. I may have a job interview on Friday, but I don't know yet! Either way, neither of us want me to go back just yet. And the only thing that's forcing me to make the shunt and go is the thought that too much too soon might fuck it all up completely, and neither of us want that to happen. Although we both know that it doesn't matter where I am anyway, she always has my heart with her, and neither of us can change that. And I wouldn't want to.

It's been an absolutely amazing few days! I can't begin to express just how incredible its been. We've done so much, and the days and nights have been jam packed with stuff. From shopping, to baking and cooking together, to listening to music, to watching TV, to going for lunch and dinner, to playing with Spoonsie, to play fighting and tickles, to sharing showers, to having lots and lots of cuddles, to massages, to making mad passionate love, and then drifting off to sleep in each others arms, quite literally.

It has been absolutely amazing. You know how sometimes you go on holiday to somewhere new, to experience something you never have before? Like a new culture, or a new place, or to see something completely enthralling and exciting? Well that is exactly how these past few days have been! Some things are familiar, and set in their ways, and are what make us just connect and get on so well, and make us so perfect together, but other things are new and exciting and we're learning and exploring so many new and different things about each other, that I don't think we even thought was possible when we were together. It's just been incredible!

We have had some of the most loving and intense cuddles and affection I think we've ever had. And we've fallen asleep entertwined in each others arms every single night without fail, and had the most incredible, deep relaxing sleeps that we've had in ages. Nothing ever feels like that when she's not around. I can't explain it, and people think I exaggerate, but I'm telling you, you just have to feel it, there is nothing like it. And FT says exactly the same!

We've also had the most incredible love making sessions ever! Now whenever we make love, it is always without fail intense, and deep, and incredible, and on a complete level that no one else could ever even dream of getting to. But these past few days have just been off the page something else! I can't explain how incredible it has been to put my hands all over her body... and my hands have been by no means the only thing I have used. But that deep incredible connection we share, is still there, and just seems to get deeper!
I have never met a woman that melts my heart like FT does, or sets me completely on fire that way that she manages to. I mean, yes, we all find other people attractive, but her. She is something else entirely. She takes attraction and intensity, and mad passionate, 'can't keep our hands off each other' kind of passion to the next extreme. It is unreal! Truly!
We were reading an article in the May edition of Diva in the park the other day, on the different types of female orgasm, and whether or not lesbians feel the need to orgasm every time they have sex or whether it is the journey that counts. Now I suppose I'm not one to comment really, as FT is the only woman I've ever been with, and every single time we've made love, she has made me orgasm and I have successfully managed the same for her, in many different ways, with no complaints at all, so I can't understand the bit about not experiencing an orgasm, as I always have. And I mean, well if when you masturbate and you can't manage to orgasm, then it gets incredibly frustrating, and I suppose we tend to masturbate to cum, or what else is the point? Anyway I digressed. But we did both agree to experiencing different types of orgasm, depending on exactly what we're doing to each other.
There was this one comment made about fisting. Something which has been dear to both our heart both while we were together, and now. There's something about the most intense, dirty sex you can possibly have, that just feels so incredibly right with us because we love and trust each other so much. I had always wanted to experience fisting with FT, just because it's something so much more intimate than many couples would ever contemplate doing. Only we both resigned ourselves to the fact that it would never happen, as my hands are quite large, and it would never be possible without causing too much pain, which is the last thing I wanted to do.
However, I'm not going into detail, because I don't intend to turn this post into soft porn, or put too much emphasis on the sex, as there has been so much more positive stuff to these few days which have made it incredible, but let's just say that things aren't always as they seem at first, and where there's a will, there most certainly is a way!
I think that was the most incredible session of love making I have ever experienced! It completely blew me away. I have never ever seen FT like that. And it was the biggest and most intense orgasm she has ever had. It was out of this world!

So many things this weekend have been so good, and just work, and just fit. And I think if anything, we have both realised that although we're not together anymore, and we're seeing how things go, that our paths aren't quite so different as they initially seemed before.

There has also been some excellent news.
The summer placement job that FT went to interview for last week, well she heard today that she's got the job! And it's in London and starts on the 2nd July! So she is definetely moving to London! And it's just down the road from where I'm living at the moment!
We are both completely made up! I suppose I was always worried that she'd not end up moving down, particularly when things got a little difficult with us. But now she has this job, and it is just incredible! It will be so good to be in the same city again, without many of the pressures and reminders that Sheffield has to offer. So maybe its the perfect chance to really see how things go?!
Aside from that, I am just so pleased she's got the job. Particularly when the past couple of days she's done nothing but doubt that she had it... and apparently, they couldn't have been more impressed with her! It is just so wonderful that someone else out there can see so much of the potential and greatness in her that I see on a day to day basis. I can't stop smiling... I'm so proud!

I was also incredibly made up as I got to see FT's Dad, PCP (PC as he's a police man). on Friday when I got here. I've always loved PCP, and to be honest, he's always been a bit of a surrogate dad to me since we were together, as my Dad has never really had that much in common with me, where as PCP just makes me laugh, and we have a similar sense of humour. It was ace! We hadn't been in long when he had me in stitches of laughter about some eye exam to check his peripheral vision, telling me how the second time he was looking all round the box for the lights... I suppose you had to be there, and it's not so much what he says, as the way he says it... it was great to see him, and our little Beby Hound Alby who I hadn't seen in ages. It was just so good to see them. And even more amazing to see how pleased FT was to see me when I finally got there, even though I'd only seen her the day before in London! It made my day!

I suppose in some ways it wasn't easy coming back to the flat. It was our home, and now it's hers and not mine. I found it a little difficult to start with, and perhaps acted a little weird, as it was just a bunch of memories and reminded me a bit of all we had and lost. But She still has our picture on the desk beside her bed, and in the lounge on top of the DVD rack. And once I got a mental grip on that, and looked at the positives of things rather than dwelling on the difficult things, everything has just been incredible ever since.

I guess one thing I found really difficult was something I first noticed when she came back from the US. She'd stopped wearing the eternity ring that I'd given her. Now I'd be lying if I didn't say it upset me. But then she knows me inside out anyway, so she knows that it does. We've spoke about it, and she explained to me that she took it off when she was mad at me at the time when I was at my lowest and had tried killing myself (not that she knew this at the time), when I was not answering any of her phone calls or emails or anything. To be fair, I was being a selfish twat at the time, but my head wasn't in any place. So I don't blame her for taking it off. That said though, I'm far too much of a superstitious so an so for my own good, which is why the ring thing bothers me. Although I am trying not to be a complete freak with OCD about it. I guess, yes, the dimensions of things have changed between us, from when we gave each other the rings. But I guess in my head, I suppose I thought that wearing the rings would mean that no matter what was happening in our lives, wherever we were, or whenever we would always have something on us to remind us that there was always one person in the world out there that believed in us, and would always be there for us, through everything. Like no matter where you are, the other one is always looking out for you. Call it the superstitious in me, but that's how I see it, and how I know that there's someone out there that sees me and loves me on a whole other level to any way anyone else ever could. I just like visual symbols of things that mean something. It's just me and who I am.
I guess it's different for her. She has a ring that she's inherited from her mum that was her nan's, and her mum gave it to her so that her nan would always see she was OK and look after her. I guess our rings meant the same to me, but then she doesn't need two guardian angels. And so long as she knows in her heart all of that anyway, then it shouldn't matter about having a symbol. Although I do like mine! The only way it is ever coming off is if someone chops my finger off! Literally, and it's part of my somewhat morbid request that it is buried with me when I die (a list of my requests of anything happens to me will be posted on here with an explanation of my reasoning, as well as given to my nearest and dearest, as my mother, bless her wonderful heart, can be a bit of a control freak, and if I go before she does, I want people fighting my corner for what I want, rather than what I would hate to happen).
Anyway, I digressed again! Something that did fill me with joy though, as a positive to my disappointment about the ring, is that she always wears the pearl necklace I got her. Now this is special, and at the time, I never dreamed she'd love it half as much as she does. I went away with my family for a week about a year and a half ago to the Isle of Wight. My one joy of going was to go to the pearl factory where there are millions of pearls imported from Japan and made into jewellery. Well they had this thing where you could pick an oyster out of a tank and you got to keep the pearl inside it. There were pearls of different grades and colours and sizes, none of which you knew until you picked and opened your oyster. So I picked one for FT and opened it, to find a 7mm gold pearl inside. To which I chose a twirly curvy silver fastening for it to be mounted on, and then made into a necklace. At the time, I was over the moon with it... thought it could possibly be the sweetest, most romantic present you could get for someone you loved... and I guess I was right... she loved it. She still loves it, and still wears it to this day. I guess that means just as much as a daft ring anyway.

Maybe it's just me, but me, FT and Spoons all seem happier when we are around each other! I haven't woken up once this week and not had FT say how different Spoonsie is having me around, and how she loves coming up to us both in the morning for cuddles and making a huge fuss of us both. And how she adores playing with me and having me around. It's lovely to know that. And I know I'm much happier around them!
I've even seen in FT herself that gorgeous smile that just exudes happiness. That same sort of smile that makes me feel complete and happy inside. Something that she just doesn't have at other times. And I'm not the only one to say so. She showed me a picture of her which upset me. Not because it was a horrible picture, or because she looked like life was perfect without me, but on the contrary. It upset me because knowing her inside out, I could tell she wasn't glowing inside. I suppose I take it for granted that I get to see that smile, both inside and out. Not just in her face, but in her eyes and soul. I guess I never really have seen her without it until then. And it upset me because I know she deserves more than that. All I ever want to do it make her happy, make her feel loved and respected and cared for, and to make her smile like that. I went to sleep that night with tears in my eyes.
I know I've had my fuck ups, and I'm by no means perfect, but I do still make her smile, and get to see that in her. I never realised how incredible and precious that really is.
I guess I'm learning and respecting things a lot more than I ever did before, and not taking things for granted as much. Even painful and upsetting lessons are worth learning if you can improve from them... I'm just realising how important a fact that is.

As I said, things right now are incredible! The sun is shining. I've had a fantastic almost-week with my two favourite people in the world, the beautiful and gorgeous FT, and the lovely Spoonsie, and for once, right now, I'm enjoying how things are going in my life. I couldn't be happier! Heaven in a... a lifetime sounds about right for me right now!