Burned

So it seems I can't do anything right!
That stems both on the emotional sense, and on the physical sense. So I suppose you could say I'm burned in more ways than one.

In the physical sense, I burned my hand on the oven putting some potatoes in, and have a 2 inch burn on the thumb region. The severity of this probablt wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I refused to run it under cold water for 10 minutes. Bollocks to it, for anyone out there I care about and insist on such diligent first aid action - do as I say, not as I do!
It bloody hurts though!

In the emotional and mental sense, well, you'd have thought I'd got used to that kinda pain by now wouldn't you? Yeah right! I was all over the shop after yesterday's romantic connotation. It made me miss her more than I thought possible. Trouble is now though, it's not even so much as miss in the relationship sense. I just feel like I fall last in the friend category as well. She doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore, or be open and honest with me. I may as well not exist. So I make her life more difficult just by being alive now. So it would seem. Or that's how I feel. Part of me wants to get mad and scream and shout and say 'you can't just ignore me like this, you can't pretend I'm nothing'. Another part of me wants to curl up and die. It's that bad. Yes, suicide thoughts have entered my head. What is the point honestly if she won't let me in? I suppose I hurt because I know her so well and I expected more. I thought she really cared about me. And I just feel right now as though I fall last on her list of what she cares about. There is nothing I can say or do to get her to be OK with me. So time might be a great healer, and it's not easy right now. I'll admit that. But prior to this, there has never been a time even when she'd sign into MSN and not say 'hi' or check in to how I am. Sometimes I feel like messaging her to see how she is. I still care, that's obvious. But each and every time I hold back. She's probably talking to someone else. She won't want me interrupting her, making her feel awkward, if she did, she'd have messaged me herself.
So you go from girlfriend and a supposed lifelong partner, to one of these random acquaintances we meet online and only message when we feel like there's no one else to talk to.
She might not intend it like that. I like to think if I know her inside out, like I do, that she only avoids me because she's still hurting, and doesn't want to hurt me, and doesn't want things to get any worse than they are right now. Maybe she doesn't know what to say, or how to be with me. She says she still cares. The FT I know deep inside still does. But I just wish to god or fate or whatever the fuck piece of shit governs life out there, that she could see that I won't hurt her. That she could see that I won't destroy her. I wish she wasn't so god damn distant or frightened, or trying to protect herself. Because it's fucking killing me!
I suppose I'm scared of losing her from my life for good, which is what to my deluded little brain it seems to be that she is aiming for right now.
I suppose in my heart of hearts I know the connection between us is deeper than the need to talk to each other all the time, and being 'normal' with each other. We both know that when the chips are down the other will be there. At least I hope so.
But it's nice to feel that from time to time. It's nice to feel that there is some genuine want to have the other person in your life and for you to be in theres, rather than just when things are so unbearable that there is no option but to relent and let them in.
I guess she's better at pretending than I am. Many people think I'm deluded, and that she just picks me up and puts me down when it suits her. That I'd be better off without her in my life entirely. But I know her inside out. Better than anyone else. Hell, I probably know her emotions better than she knows them herself, and she mine, which is probably why she pushes herself so far away, because she's scared and doesn't want to let anything in that will destroy her.
It's just hard.
I feel burned.
But the resolve still stands. I'm not going to let anything destroy me. I'll fight with all that I have.
I just wish she'd let me in. I love her and I don't want to lose her from my life in any capacity. And that's what it feels like is happening.
But what can I do?
I'm so scared. Help. Please help.

The Life and Times of a Hopeless Romantic

This past week has to be about the most difficult I've faced in a while. Or at least it feels it from here. I was doing fine. Everything was going well, and the positivity was running wild through my veins. Let's just say feeling good about yourself feels a lot better than feeling down on yourself all the time.
Then I had to go shopping for a present and card for my Mum's birthday, which each year happens to fall on the 11th February, in the midst of 'lovers' season'. In years past I've been able to get on with it, just whinging about the fact that it proves impossible to get her a birthday card as the shop is full of Valentine's gifts.
This year is a different matter, and it shot me backwards. All the time prior to shopping, I was OK with it all, I could avoid it all, but having to put myself in that environment, was just more painful than I think I even expected myself. There was no escaping it. Everywhere you looked: cards, teddies, roses, jewellery, poems, other romantic gifts. And to a hopeless romantic like me, it was like 240 volts of pain all at once.
You see, my feelings haven't changed. Not once in this whole time. So I'm walking round, not looking, but all this stuff is staring me right in the face. And there's a certain atmosphere, about being loved up and stuff that fills the air at this time of year. It's just intoxicating. For the romantic in me, it was unbearable. Everywhere, everything, expression of feelings. It was pure hell knowing that I couldn't do half of what I wanted to.
So what did I want to do?
I wanted to get in the car with a huge bunch of red roses, balloons, a huge card specially brailled out, chocolates, the biggest tiger teddy I could find, with this perfect silver 'I love you' love heart that I'd found, a bottle of wine, a cool box full of all of the culinary delights I know she loves, and a picnic blanket and a CD of glorious love songs, and go and spend today with her. That would have been the perfect day. I know what she likes, and that she would love to be treated to all that.
Only it doesn't work out how you want it to does it? Yes she would have loved it all, but probably backed off 100 mph because it was me. What has it all come to?

You see, I'm naturally romantic, and I do stuff like that all the time anyway. So it's hell enough constantly thinking to myself that she doesn't want me to do things like that anymore. She wants to forget how I feel about her. It's all I can do to restrain myself, and that hurts.
But today, it's too much.
Valentine's day to a romantic still deeply in love is like dangling human flesh in front of Hannibal Lectar and expecting him not to eat it. Hell, I'd have been better off cutting off my arms, legs and tongue to stop me from saying or doing anything stupid. It doesn't work out like that.

I got like no sleep last night. And have had a mega headache today to boot.
I woke up to receive a text on my phone from FT saying that she was thinking of me today and sending hugs, and that she'll love me always.
That meant more than I can explain. Especially when I'd been feeling like the last person in the world she'd want anything to do with today.
Little did she know then that the romantic in me had refused to die, or be displaced, as much as I fought it. I'd ordered flowers for her to arrive today. The thought of Valentine's day coming and going, and her not knowing how much she means to me, well I couldn't do it. Even if it goes against everything that's been said, or against everything the rest of the world people think is wise.
I could not let today go past, and not show her that she is still special. Still important to me, that I would still do anything to put a smile on her face. Yeah it still hurts, it hurts like hell where we are now. But I've been brought up as an open and honest person. If you love someone, you show them. If someone means something to you, you show them, you tell them while you have the chance. And I couldn't let today go by and not be open and honest to my feelings. She means more to me than that.

So for all you sceptics out there who think I fucked up, I probably did, and no, it doesn't get me any closer to where I would like to be, but I've told and shown someone very special in my life that they still mean the world to me. You may knock me back, and shut me out, count me out and want me to disappear, but you will never kill me, and I will always be there, fighting, because that's me. I'll always be open and honest for better or worse. I'll always pick myself up and get back on the horse, no matter how much it kills me each time, because you can't destroy the romantic in me, and that spirit will always fight on. You can't control how I feel. Nor can I. Yes, I have to learn to live with it, but it's my heart, and it has been given to someone with more worth than they know themselves. I know more of her value and worth than anyone in this world could ever understand, irrespective of what they think.
And it's through that that drives the romantic in me to treat her in the manner which my heart feels she should be treated.

I miss her so much. No matter what I do, that doesn't go away.
I love and respect her more than I have ever loved anything.
I fucked up. I made mistakes. I wish to god she still felt the same as she did before. I'd make her the happiest woman in the world without a doubt.
I can't change any of that. Yes it hurts, more than I could ever explain, but I can't change it.
I can only love. She has my heart, that doesn't change. And love her I do. It's not in me to pretend otherwise.

So on a day for lovers and being in love:
Happy Valentine's Day Darling. I love you today. Always and forever. Like no one else in the world ever could. Infanam xxxxxxxx

The Voice Within...

OK, so this was intended to be a fairly lengthly elegant post, but somehow, the computer crashed mid my excellent first attempt, so a more deflated me has ended up submitting this post for now.
The fair bones of the material will be here as was intended before, but I guess the remainder will have to serve for further post material, as I obtain in the inclination to express my views on those subjects wholeheartedly.

So, the voice within. There's a song in that I hear you say. There is indeed. It was also the turning point for me from my old point of view, to the all new me point of view.
You see, my life turned especially crap on Friday just past. My beloved FT. My soulmate and the one and only true love of my life decided that we would both benefit from some distance on the communication front. For me it was the final straw and felt like the final nail in the coffin. I suppose the only thing that has got me through our break up is the fact that we've still been there for each other. We've said we're best friends, and for me, I know she's my soulmate, that being my soul's recognition of its counterpart in another, and to love and care for someone so completely and so deeply and not be together in the way you want, is unbearable. The only thing that remained one fragment of hope and shining light was that we were there for each other, just like we promised we always would be. What does the soul do when it can't connect in any way with it's counterpart? Let's just say the only thing keeping me together was the fact that we still comunicated. We still connected. Not in the romantic, ever dying love kinda way as we had once before, but still in a way that no other could.
On Friday when she said we should have some distance for a few weeks. The bottom fell out of my world completely. I can't explain. I felt like I lost the one thing in my world that still meant something. I was scared of losing it forever. I was upset and hurt that she claimed to love me still, yet couldn't see that this was killing me. When I say it was a feeling worse than how it felt when we broke up, it honestly was. There was something about knowing that your perfect person is standing right there, but you have done things, and stuff has happened that has caused her love to drift away from you. I suppose even through all that, I knew deep down that she still cared, and she always would, more than any other. Probably more even than my mother, because she knows me inside out and knows my full potential should I chose to ever live up to it. But to say she wanted to stop contact killed me inside. I felt like nothing mattered. I begged. I pleaded. I was hysterical. How can you claim to love and care for someone when you just turn your back and leave them like that? I felt small. Shallow. Insignificant. Like I didn't matter. In the whole two and a quarter years that I've known her, she's never made me feel like that. I couldn't understand. I couldn't except that this was happening. I was already suicidal before this point. This tipped me over the edge.
I was supposed to be going to a rugby match with my cousin on the Saturday, and then out for a bevvy or two. Only his foot was playing him up and he couldn't walk, so we didn't end up going.
Like my own company was the last thing in the world I needed at this point.
I went and bought a few cans and started drinking on my own. I sat in my room, with the TV on and cans in my hand. I can't remember how many I had. All I remember thinking is that FT didn't care what I did from here on in. I felt like nothing. Like nobody. And I sure as hell didn't care what happened from here on in. I felt like I'd lost everything. Like I'd lost it all anyway. Anything bad that happened to me here on in would be a blessing. I must have etched our word 'Infanam' onto my leg about 100 times with a ballpoint pen. All the while thinking incredible, fantastic, amazing... and how none of that seemed to matter anymore. I eventually conceeded that this wasn't helping, and had a shower, spending about an hour in there trying to remove the ink.
Emotionally, I have never hurt so much in all my life. How it hurt to know that even if I picked up the phone, sent a text, rang her, emailed her, she wouldn't answer. How is that 'being there' for each other like we said we always would be? How was she here for me now?
It must have been the early hours and 4 vallergan tablets before I eventually cried myself to sleep on the sofa with everyone else in bed.
When Sunday came half the day was gone, and a trip to Ikea took hold and looking for an arsenal hat for my cousin's little boy kept me occupied. Whilst out shopping, I bought a DVD. It was one that FT owns, but I'd never watched. It was Christina Aguilera in concert on her Stripped tour.
On Monday I was moping around with little to do, and ended up watching numerous DVDs. One of which was this Christina DVD.
It sounds a little lame that a concert and song inspired me. Sure I've felt an affiliation with songs before. Like the lyrics or the tune. Wished I could sing like that etc. But never in my life have I experienced the right song at the right time like I did then.
The voice within is about the third track into the concert, and I've always liked it as a song. I'd always wanted FT to sing it for me, like at Karaoke or something. Sure I'd listened to the lyrics before, but never like this. Maybe it was because it was a live performance, I can't explain. But if anyone out there ever feels down or low in themselves, go find this concert, and listen to this song. It may help, it may not. But when you feel like giving up, anything is worth a try.
It seems silly to post lyrics here, they mean nothing out of context, but at a point in my life when I hated myself more than I've ever hated anyone or anything. When I didn't care if I lived or died. When I probably wanted to die just to ease the utter pain in my heart, and the void in my soul. These words brought me out the other side:
'When there's no one else, look inside yourself, and like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within, then you'll find the strength, that will guide your way'

From that moment on I almost woke up to the fact that to make anything happen in my life, I need to wake up and stand up, take responsibility, and trust in myself. My judgements. My thoughts. My feelings. Instead of trying to patch them up, or pretend I'm OK when I'm not. Instead of giving up on myself, and letting it get the better of me when it feels like everyone else gives up on me, then I have to stand up, keep my head high, not cave in, and not give up on myself. If I give up on myself, then what have I got left?

From now on: This is me. This is who I am. I make no excuses for it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of who I am. All that I've achieved. Everything I have given and continue to give to this world. I'm even proud of how I feel, because no one else can feel it, it's me, and I'm unique, and I make no apologies for that. There are people in this world that will never like me. There are people in this world who disagree with everything I stand for. And there's not a damn thing I can do about that. There are people in this world who take you in, claim to be your friend, and then seize their opportunity to move in on everything you claimed sacred in this world, they use you to get what they want like you're pawns in their game of chess. And there's nothing you can do to stop them. You have to trust that karma has it in its hands, and they'll get their's when the time is right.
I consider myself truly blessed for all that I have to give this world, and all those I hold dear to me give in return. I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world to have shared FT's life with her for as long as I did. Some people go through life not feeling half as much as we have. Never finding true love. Some people don't believe in soulmates, and can't understand the prospect. I am blessed that I have found mine, and that it has been part of my life. And as much as I don't want to ever lose it. And ignorance may well be bliss, but my soul was complete for at least some part of my life, and that makes me luckier and more privelidged than millions of others in this world.
I look at what I have. All that I have gained. And all that I still have to give to this world. For those of you a part of it, you know how much you all mean to me. For those of you that have my heart, my soul, my trust, loyalty, dependability, and my friendship, welcome to my life, thank you for being here, for sharing it with me and for letting me be part of yours.

And a note to those whose lives I have made pure and utter hell over the past few months. The word sorry is not strong enough to express true remorse for the grief I have put you all through. Thank you for sticking there. For not giving up on me when I had given up on myself. Thank you for seeing something in me I had forgotten was there. You are amazing people, and I am an incredibly lucky person to have people like you in my lives who I can call true friends, family, and soulmates. I love you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart... and you know how deep that runs! I hope I never have to repay the favour some day, I wouldn't wish any of that on any of you, but if you ever need anything. I am always here. xxxxxxxx

It's Life Jim, But Not As We Know It

So welcome to the first post of my new blog.
Much has happened in the past... but this is new and improved... with a new attitude to boot.