So it seems I can't do anything right!
That stems both on the emotional sense, and on the physical sense. So I suppose you could say I'm burned in more ways than one.
In the physical sense, I burned my hand on the oven putting some potatoes in, and have a 2 inch burn on the thumb region. The severity of this probablt wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I refused to run it under cold water for 10 minutes. Bollocks to it, for anyone out there I care about and insist on such diligent first aid action - do as I say, not as I do!
It bloody hurts though!
In the emotional and mental sense, well, you'd have thought I'd got used to that kinda pain by now wouldn't you? Yeah right! I was all over the shop after yesterday's romantic connotation. It made me miss her more than I thought possible. Trouble is now though, it's not even so much as miss in the relationship sense. I just feel like I fall last in the friend category as well. She doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore, or be open and honest with me. I may as well not exist. So I make her life more difficult just by being alive now. So it would seem. Or that's how I feel. Part of me wants to get mad and scream and shout and say 'you can't just ignore me like this, you can't pretend I'm nothing'. Another part of me wants to curl up and die. It's that bad. Yes, suicide thoughts have entered my head. What is the point honestly if she won't let me in? I suppose I hurt because I know her so well and I expected more. I thought she really cared about me. And I just feel right now as though I fall last on her list of what she cares about. There is nothing I can say or do to get her to be OK with me. So time might be a great healer, and it's not easy right now. I'll admit that. But prior to this, there has never been a time even when she'd sign into MSN and not say 'hi' or check in to how I am. Sometimes I feel like messaging her to see how she is. I still care, that's obvious. But each and every time I hold back. She's probably talking to someone else. She won't want me interrupting her, making her feel awkward, if she did, she'd have messaged me herself.
So you go from girlfriend and a supposed lifelong partner, to one of these random acquaintances we meet online and only message when we feel like there's no one else to talk to.
She might not intend it like that. I like to think if I know her inside out, like I do, that she only avoids me because she's still hurting, and doesn't want to hurt me, and doesn't want things to get any worse than they are right now. Maybe she doesn't know what to say, or how to be with me. She says she still cares. The FT I know deep inside still does. But I just wish to god or fate or whatever the fuck piece of shit governs life out there, that she could see that I won't hurt her. That she could see that I won't destroy her. I wish she wasn't so god damn distant or frightened, or trying to protect herself. Because it's fucking killing me!
I suppose I'm scared of losing her from my life for good, which is what to my deluded little brain it seems to be that she is aiming for right now.
I suppose in my heart of hearts I know the connection between us is deeper than the need to talk to each other all the time, and being 'normal' with each other. We both know that when the chips are down the other will be there. At least I hope so.
But it's nice to feel that from time to time. It's nice to feel that there is some genuine want to have the other person in your life and for you to be in theres, rather than just when things are so unbearable that there is no option but to relent and let them in.
I guess she's better at pretending than I am. Many people think I'm deluded, and that she just picks me up and puts me down when it suits her. That I'd be better off without her in my life entirely. But I know her inside out. Better than anyone else. Hell, I probably know her emotions better than she knows them herself, and she mine, which is probably why she pushes herself so far away, because she's scared and doesn't want to let anything in that will destroy her.
It's just hard.
I feel burned.
But the resolve still stands. I'm not going to let anything destroy me. I'll fight with all that I have.
I just wish she'd let me in. I love her and I don't want to lose her from my life in any capacity. And that's what it feels like is happening.
But what can I do?
I'm so scared. Help. Please help.
Vital Statistics
- Lucy
- London, United Kingdom
- We spin in circles, in roller-coasters of ups and downs. I'm 26, and sometimes that feels like a lifetime, and sometimes like no time at all. I've experienced so much, yet still have so much to learn. And now I can officially say I'm an out-and-proud lesbian learning about life in the capital of the universe... London Baby!!! But above all, I'm loyal, loving, honest, and speak right from the heart. For better or worse, this is me. This is my life. Welcome to my world...
5 comments:
Honey, as hard as this seems I think she's doing this for you. Whether or not it's helping right now I don't know, but I'd guess not from what you're saying here. She's giving you space to be yourself, and even though you feel like she is a huge part of who you are, you are more than your relationship with her. Before the two of you met you were an awesome person, when you were together you were an awesome person, and now that you've split up you continue to be an awesome person. Your awesomeness is not based on her. YOU are great. You don't need anyone else to make you a good person. And I genuinely don't think you'll ever realise how awesome you are unless you have this space.
Much hugs,
Dora xxx
I agree with Dora - she is giving you that space. You need to quit focusing on her (outward) and focus on yourself (inward). Get up, brush yourself off and keep walking - you'll eventually be out of hell soon! Take it from someone who knows and has just went thru this. Hang in there!
I hope your finger is much better by now and you are doing ok. I read your post and really relate to your feelings. Please hang in there. You're a good person. I know it is easy for me to say this, but keep doing whatever you can to get over this person. Keep writing your feelings down (you do it well) whether privately or on your blog. It is a very helpful process and will get you through this challenging experience.
You are young, bright, and clearly caring, and emotionally intuitive so there is much waiting for you to enjoy in the world. Don't deprive the world of what you have to offer, by remaining focused on someone who has left your life. Don't deprive yourself of those happy and wonderful experiences that await you. There is a saying that sometimes when one door closes, we spend so much time looking at the closed door, that we miss out on the open door (and windows!) and we miss out. You deserve all the good that is waiting for you. Your ex might have been a lovely person and there were special times you probably shared, but when it is over, it is over and time need not be given to people who no longer want to be with you.
Go out and meet new people. Make new friends. Go out on dates. It doesn't have to be anything too serious right away. Create new and fun experiences. You are in a lively city where the possibilities are endless for you and you have a chance to look at life differently. Maybe there were things you couldn't do in your old relationship that you can now do in new relationships. Perhaps write a list of things you felt you couldn't or didn't do in your old relationship that you can now do in new relationships when you are ready for something serious. I have to admit to having done that before and it really worked. Try it.
I wish you lots of success and happiness on your new path. The world is at your feet. So get up, dust yourself off, throw your shoulders back and go out and face the world with a fresh new outlook, taking full advantage of all the opportunities that await you.
You're not alone and you WILL make it through this. One step at a time.
Wow. I feel like I don't deserve the quality of the comments and support that people have so generously given me from this post! Thank you all so much! It's been a touch couple of weeks for me, so your words of encouragement mean more to me right now than you could imagine. Thank you.
-x-
i am here too, checking in on you. i hope things are working themselves out. it has been so long since you posted. take care, poet
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