Ode To Stupidity

I know it's been a while since I posted. There have been many many reasons for that. One of which being not knowing whether to share or not to share, where to draw the line, how to share. But basically, I've been in no frame of mind, or place to do anything.

I've thought long and hard about this post. Every part of my being tells me that I shouldn't post it. But I started this as an honest blog, as a means to express myself. Where I could be me, and for it to be something of me that no one could take away. If I omit things, then what does it turn into, if not a fable of amusement for the rest of the world to procrastinate their life away to? I don't want it to be a fable. It's about me. all of mt thoughts and feelings, not just those I think will make interesting reading, or not just those I'm not ashamed of.
That, and I think in many a sense, this is or if not now, will be an important step for me to look back on for times to come. And I sure as hell don't ever want to forget this, because if I do, then who knows where I'll end up.
So it's a post not aimed to be judged by the rest of the world, although goodness knows it probably will be. It's not a post aimed as a dig at anyone else in the world. It's about me, and how I feel about myself. It's a post I hope will be aimed as a slap round the face for me in times to come. So here goes:

Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, or coping, or at least managing to hold my own somewhat, I just keep feeling as though I keep falling lower and lower. I guess the real problem is that I can't escape myself, or my own head. I'm not one of these people who can put on a face or an act to get me through. I think I'm just born to honest for that. Everything I think, do and say comes from the heart and soul deep within, even if the head does interfere with it a little from time to time.
I suppose my real conflict comes when other people behave in a way that I see as alien for them. Do things that I've never known or expected before. Like when one of my school friends Lou went to New Zealand (NZ) for a year, and went sky diving and bungee jumping after saying she'd never do it, and the first I heard was when I received an emailed picture. She didn't tell me because she knew I'd react badly amid fears for her safety. That process in itself shook me because it felt like the person I knew was something else, and it felt like what I knew was a lie. Particularly because it wasn't a gradual change, it was a sudden thing.
I suppose things are similar with FT. In fact, it feels for certain that things are similar with FT. My head can't deal. I can't make it deal, or catch up quick enough, and I can't explain where it leaves me. Many people look in at it and think of it as just another relationship. But there's nothing I can do to try and convey the connection we shared. I don't pretend it was anything different, but I can't explain it as it was. It's something that only she and I could ever fully understand. So to try and explain to the world looking in just how much mental homeostasis has been unbalanced with the way things are now compared to how they were then, they just see it as 'any old relationship'. And then they wonder why I can't open up to them. I don't see the point in missing things out, or playing it down, it'd make me crack up in the long run, as it's like living my life as a lie.

The hard part now, is that I feel like the whole thing was a lie. And I'm really starting to which the past two years had never happened. In some ways it feels like it never did. It feels like everything I ever felt, believed in and trusted was never there. All the while my heart and soul are still in the same place they always were.
It seems like she and I are fucntioning off different musical scores at the moment. She seems fine for playing it down and doing anything and everything to forget it, at whatever cost, whereas I can't work like that. So it makes me feel like everything we ever said we felt, and that we'd do for each other, was nothing more than a lie. And I feel like the biggest fool in the world. What was my crime? Admittedly I wasn't without my faults, but my only crime was to be honest and love so deeply and unconditionally.
So now I just end up feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

So I 'need' something from her that she can't give right now. What's that then? Apart from what we said would always be there no matter what, even after we broke up. Someone that would always be there to listen, to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, because we 'understood' each other like no one else ever could. Maybe that's her problem, maybe that's what she's scared of, because I know her so well, and that's not the FT she wants to be right now? I don't know.
Mentally all I could ascertain is that the FT I fell so deeply in love with. The FT I put all of my trust in. The FT I shared all of my thoughts and feelings, both good and bad, brave and scared, is doing all that she can to forget me and survive. Like I don't matter.

'But that's how relationships work honey'. That's all I ever get! So I'm a fucking fool for thinking it was anything more than just a piss poor attempt at a relationship am I? I'm a fool for thinking it was more than that. I'm a fool for letting her in. I'm a fool for following what was in my heart at a time when I didn't know what the hell was going on. I'm a fool for not staying in denial and convincing myself that I was straight. Hell, if I'd known I'd end up here now, I would have done! I'm not the Fanatical fantasist who can change her thoughts, beliefs, feelings, points of view to fit with some idea of settling for what seems like a good alternative. I can't live my life telling the world she is the one for me, my soulmate and my life, and swinging from the chandaliers one minute, to drowing in sorrow at my loss and telling the world of my pain the next, to getting angry at her the next and telling the world I don't care what happens to her or who or what she loses, so long as she hurts like me and feels this kind of pain, to living a fantasy life where I escape the chrardes of my day on the internet convincing myself that it's ok because I need not be afraid of my sexuality on a computer or over a phone, then latching on to the next who I feel that would serve as a good tortoise to carry my shell of an existance, all the while alienating any 'real' person I come into contact with, and pinning all my hopes of happiness on the next available entity that shows any interest or seems to care about me when I'm at my lowest.
I'm not like that, I can't live a lie or a charade. And because what I experienced was the whole all consuming true love, and I didn't have to pretend it was. Even at 24, I feel a bit long in the tooth to convince myself that kid my way into a shallow form of happiness.

Therein lies the rub that in that sense, I'm not a survivor. Which is strange, as I always thought I'd survive quite well in a little fantasy bubble. Apparently not. I've had enough opportunity to create my own one these past months. I suppose I'm too honest to.

So the way things have gone, and things that are happening led me to do something very stupid. People keep saying to me that you can't let one person have so much power over you. But it's not like that. It's not her power, it's mine. I am the one that cannot deal with, or come to terms with the things that are going on right now.
All because I can't pretend or kid my way into something else, and I'm too honest and love to much to get mad and angry like those around me and admit that she played me and used me, and when I'd expended my usefulness got well rid as far as she could, whatever the consequences to the person you convinced you would never let down. That's how everyone else views it.
I don't see her like that. But I felt like I couldn't carry on as though I was nothing. My fundamental problems with the flaws in my life were this:
My degree leads me nowhere directly, and I have no idea what career I want to do with my life, or how to go about doing it. My head and my heart are still in love, and the person that holds the key to my heart couldn't push me any further away if she wanted to, while I have to sit back and watch the rest of the world be let in. When I feel like my only crime was to love and to share. I had all these big plans about travelling. Something which we wanted to do together, and even after we broke up she said we'd still go and see the world together as there was 'no one else she would want to do it with more', but she's going on a 21st birthday jaunt to New York without me, something we'd always planned to do together, and I can't understand how you wouldn't want someone you care about around for an important occasion.
All this, and I'm still trying to convince myself that she does love me like she says she does, and she really does care, while the rest of the world tell me I'm being played. I just don't know anything anymore.

I lay downstairs late into the night, I couldn't sleep. All this running through and through my head. All I wanted was to talk to her, just to feel like she cared, like she keeps telling me she does. I can't make that happen. There is nothing I can do to make myself feel like someone I love and care about cares back. I'd tried everything. Living with the pain and the turmoil. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I'd reached my lowest point. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I didn't want another day or night or wondering if she cared, and if she did, why did it have to be like this?
I don't know how many I took, Two, three strips I think. I can't remember. I just remember lying there listening to the clock chime, and then feeling very very sick after a while. I went to the toilet and threw up until my stomach hurt. I felt so ill. I think the only thing that made me stop was the thought of my mum coming down to find me in the morning. I didn't want to put her through that.
God knows if it was just me, then I wouldn't be here to post this right now. I think about others too much, that's my big problem, and it always has been.

I'd love to say I'm alright now, and back to full sanity. But I can't. I don't lie. Hell, I make no bones about not wanting to be part of this world, or of whatever future the over-ruling power has in store for me. None of it is what I want, and I don't believe in settling for second best. I'd rather give up gracefully. I don't do anti-depressants, although I'm thinking I may have to relent soon. I'm taking herbal drops, which help a bit, and I'm trying to surround myself with people who care about me. Not that collectively they make up for the feeling that FT doesn't care, it doesn't even come close. But right now, it's that or nothing. And I don't want to hurt anyone.
I went to Cardiff for the weekend. It was a bit of a mercy mission. Not knowing what to do, or who to turn to, I phoned Lou and pretty much begged if I could come and see her soon. The shere nerve with it being 14 months since we last saw each other. But to be fair to her, she was brilliant. She was there for me, and gave me space to do my own thing, and made sure I had people around, even though I was quiet and didn't really open up or say anything. It was just good to get out of my life for a bit.
And I also contacted an old housemate, the famous 'Doctor T', and she even replied!!! We've arranged to go for dinner in a week's time, and she even phoned me up and invited me over, which is an offer I'd have accepted if I hadn't been 150 miles away in Wales at the time.

On the other hand, I've got other people at the end of their teather with me. Doofus is one in particular. She seems to be taking the 'snap out of it' routine now, and says I should quit moping and wallowing. Maybe I am moping and wallowing, but it's because I can't understand the way things are. The scientist in me has a quest for knowledge and needs to know how things work. Without rational understanding, there are things I can't accept. There are things that just hurt too much. And because I'm not the 'call her a bitch and tear a strip off cos you're better than that' kinda person, she feels I am moping. Apparently it's becoming 'hard to be my friend'.
Which is ironic, because it just seems like more amunition in the 'kill myself' pot!

I'm going to buy a plant today. I hope that might help. My new motto in life: if you can't get what you want out of life... buy a plant... at least it'll look pretty!'