A Spineless Yucca!

I couldn't resist that as a post title... it almost sounds like a rude insult of some sorts, when alas, it is just the species of my plant!

Yep, I did it!

Trust a suicidal depressive to get so excited about such random things, but I actually went out and bought my plant I've been wittering on about for so long now! I have some issues with it though. Firstly, it's not quite as big as the one I initially wanted. Homebase here didn't have the bigger ones in, but then I thought that maybe that was OK, as at least then I could fit it in my lowly old Ford Focus without killing it on the ride home, and that maybe smaller would be better for my old room at my parent's house. Bearing in mind that's where it is living, because we have 3 cats, one of which was trying to munch on plant leaves as soon as I brought it in the door!

It doesn't actually go with the decor of my old room, as you can see from the picture. I opted for a nice brown ribbed plant pot. My main reasoning behind this, was that it allowed me, or at least gave me scope for some positive lateral thinking!

You see, I don't intend to be residing with my parents forever, hopefully not too much longer, and when I do get a place of my own, I'm aiming for my lovely ole spineless yucca to move into a lounge or hallway, where my own decor will be of neutral, natural colours, like browns and creams etc, so he'll look just perfect then.

That was as much positivity and forward thinking as I could muster. But at least it's a start!

I've been sleeping better the past couple of nights. I think absolute exhaustion is catching up with me. I do still have problems of waking up in the night and then not being able to get back to sleep. I was hoping my weekend in Cardiff would cure the sleeping problems, or at least enable me to catch up, but I spent most of the nights up into the early hours listening to my iPod through not being able to sleep. So it didn't quite work out like that.

I am fairly exhausted though, which I think is why the past couple of nights I've managed to get a good few hours. I must confess to taking a Nytol sleeping aid on Sunday night though, which again is something as a scientist and a supposedly intelligent person, I'm trying to ween myself off because I've got through something like 3 boxes in as many weeks, still struggling to get some proper shut eye. I don't want to become dependent on them, which is as well as to why I've started these plant drops.

I don't like the idea of the doctor putting me on sleeping medication, as some of those can affect your mental state and cause memory loss, which is not something I'm looking for, especially as knowing my luck it'll depelete all my good memories and leave me with all the shitty ones. That and I really don't want to start getting addicted to medication.

Another reason for my not going down the road of proper anti-depressants... my brain chemistry is complex and interfered with enough thank you, without me taking drugs to amplify various neurotransmitters and act as 'happy pills'. Thanks but no thanks... my brain chemistry screwed itself into this depressed state, and it can damn well unscrew itself out of it because I no way want to be addicted to pills to make me feel happy right now.

Maybe I'm being stupid and just accept the help that is available? Maybe it's something within me. Maybe I'm just scared as I've never really had to take hardcore medication before? But mentally, I just feel like I need to find my way out of this hole right now, for me. I need to find a way to survive, without taking anything to do it.

And if I fail, what happens then? Well, true to form, as a scientist, I'll have to agree with Herbert Spencer's theory of 'survival of the fittest' and accept it for what it is. That's me all over... 'live by the sword, die by the sword'.

As I said, right now, I'm taking things a day at a time, and I'm doing things my way. There may be a million people out there screaming 'get over it', or 'snap out of it' or people wanting to slap me round the face and get me to wake up and smell the coffee, but I'm just being me, and doing all that I can, without compromising who I am or all that I believe in and stand for. That is all I'm saying.

Many things happen to people that change their views on a situation, or on a person, and they do it to survive, in whatever way they can best. They run away, or avoid it, or confront it, or stand against it. It can be a bit like 'an eye for an eye' theory. I don't work like that. And I refuse to change who I am and what I stand for. For example, I can't understand right now the way things are with FT and me. I can't understand how you can go from being so close to a person and wanting to share yourself with them (and I'm not just meaning in a sexual sense, but more a friend sense), to having to distance yourself. I can't understand that, and I can't understand her reasonings for it all. To me, it's like she's not the person I fell in love with and honour and care for and respect anymore. But there is nothing I can do about that. I can't tell you how many people have gone down the 'it's her loss, she'd the idiot for shutting you out, screw her over, to hell with her and move on', because that's what people do at the end of relationships. I'm not like that. I can't understand that point of view. Yes, I am very hurt and very angry about the whole thing. It hurts more than being dumped, because it is like I am now nothing and everything I ever trusted and believed in was a complete and utter lie. Yes, I suppose I am bitter. But I don't feel that you have to change your outlook on a situation and effectively compromise your biological inbuilt foundations under the guise of moving on or getting over it. I've seen people end relationships where they've gone down that road and called the other person a 'bitch' and done all that they could to screw them over and make their life a misery. And to the outseide world, it looks like they get over the whole situation faster and move on quicker and more successfully. But they are the ones that have to go to bed at night, with their internal feelings and deal with how they really feel. And I guess I'm just to honest to kid myself or lie to myself in that way. And it makes for a bit of a mess.

I suppose we all have to deal with it at some point - no situation is ever really cut and dry to the point of feeling entirely certain that something is the case. There are mental doubts and 'good conscience, bad conscience' scenarios about every situation we have to face. Some people are just better at blocking out what they want to at the time than others. God, it's obvious I'm a Libra isn't it?!

If I've learnt anything at all in my life, it's that for me, I have to embrace everything that I feel and think, and not just puch it to the side to convince myself that something is the right thing to do. It is in no way the easiest option, not by a long chalk, but it makes for far fewer regrets in the long run.

And still, if in doubt or depressed... buy a spineless yucca plant! They are very pretty, and may even make you smile in the darkest of days... I'm still holding out my hopes!