Who Am I? Where Have I Been? What Happens Now?

I guess the main aim of this is to answer all of the above.

I've not posted in well over a year. There have been many reasons for this. It's very safe to say the 'me' from a year ago, is in no way the 'me' that sits here writing this post now.

The openness and honesty remains the same. The strength of character and outlook on myself and life is very different.

12 months ago, the fundamental thing that drove me on through difficult times in my life, were my friends and family, and maybe still the one woman in the world I loved, even if she no longer felt the same back. Now, things are remarkably different. In many ways, so long and so much has passed, that I can't even cover it all in a blog post.

It started in December 2007. Until then, I felt like I had a handle on things. My world was still turned upside down, but I felt like the people who loved me, and cared about me were at least there in some part. It was last December that all changed.
In the year that passed before December 2007, when FT decided she no longer wanted to be with me, I had put so much focus into not losing the most amazing person in my life. I fought tooth and nail, through the heartache and pain to make sure my best friend stayed part of my life, even if every second of it my heart was writhing in pain that she was no longer my girlfriend.
In December 2007 that all came to an end. She decided that it was doing me no good with us trying to be friends, and that we shouldn't have any contact anymore, whether that be forever or for a very long time until I got myself sorted out.
In hindsight, maybe she was right. But at the time, my world collapsed completely. And I hit rock bottom more than I have ever been before in my life. It was worse than when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. At least then I felt like she still loved me, and still cared, and I still meant something to her. This was completely different. The one person in the world, who I had shared more of me with than I even knew about myself, had decided she no longer wanted me as part of her life.
I didn't know how to cope. The thing about living in London, is that it can be an incredibly lonely place. And all of my friends are so far away. I've never felt so alone.
The only thing I had left was my family. But little did I know or appreciate that at the time, but that was to change forever as well.
The day after FT decided she wanted nothing to do with me, my cousin Chesney decided he no longer wanted to be part of our family and that he no longer wanted to live with us anymore. He turned violent towards myself and my parents, and ran away into police custody. So I felt like I'd lost my best friend and my little brother... and I had no one to talk to about it. I felt like I was heading deeper into rock bottom.
And what's more, my grandmother also disowned us because in her twisted mind she believed we had turned our back on Chesney. So I also lost the whole side of my mum's family, purely because no one crosses my Nan, and she was acting like we didn't exist.

I lost my whole safety net and support network in the space of a week, and my parents had their own crap to deal with.

I cried more tears in the month of December than I think I'd ever cried in my life before. I didn't sleep, and I drank to numb the pain. And all I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me they cared, and that it'd be OK somewhere down the line.

And losing FT, I also lost our labrador Spoons, who from the day she came into our life, she was as much my baby as FT's baby. It felt like losing a child.

I think the only reason I'm sitting here now and not dead is that even with my own loneliness, grief and misery, I could see how much pain my parents were in with Chesney's actions, and I could not add to that by taking my own life. Even if I felt like there was nothing to live for, and that I just wanted the pain to stop.

The only thing I could think to do, was give myself something to live for. Someone to think about other than myself, and someone else to love and protect. So, after much discussion and persuasion, I decided it was time to make one of my dreams come true. And to do it for myself. So along came my chocolate labrador puppy. Something I've wanted since the age of 14. She gave me focus, and direction. And made me look after myself to give her everything she needed. I decided to call her Kia, from a beter part of my life, when I travelled New Zealand, so she is half named from the Kiwi greeting 'kia ora'.

My life started picking up from then on. I still missed FT, particularly as the single parenting of a chocolate lab made me realise how incredible and how much easier it would have been with FT, just like we'd always said we wanted. But to be fair, I had no time for that.

Kia's 9 months old now, and she's been in my life for 8 months. I know it sounds a bit of a cliche, but she really has kept me going and turned my life around. It makes me sad sometimes, that she'll never get to play with Spoons, as I know in my heart they'd love each other, but someone wise once told me, you have to accept the things you cannot change. So ultimately, there is no answer to that.

As for FT and the loss of my family, I think I've finally learnt some strength of character and survival, even if ot does sounds harsh to the rest of the world.
As for my family, I didn't ask for any of this, and they are the ones who have disowned me and act like I'm no part of their life. And one thing I've learnt for myself from all this, is that you can't keep putting yourself out there and holding out for people, because the more it hurts when they let you down again. My family values are not selective, they are fixed and firm, and they don't change. If you are loyal to someone, you deserve loyalty back. And I can't act or pretend I am or believe in something else, or even accept certain behaviour to keep the peace. So if you want to appologise and start again... you know where I am, I am no different, I have not changed, but as for going back... well I think we've lost that.

As for FT, I've been through too many emotions to call. Besides the obvious pain, there's been anger and disappointment more than anything. I guess the hardest to come to terms with was the feeling of being taken advantage of and used. After being there and helping her find somewhere to live in London, and to move, and to spend time with when there were no friends around, I guess maybe just coincidence, but it upset me more that she seemed to come to the conclusion that us being friends was no good for either of us after I had helped her relocate and move. And I guess at a time when everthing turned to shit and I needed her more than ever.
At least personally it forced me to draw a line, that says enough is enough, I loved you more than anyone in the world ever could, but to be honest, I deserve to be treated better than this.

I'm sure she sees it very differently, but I guess that's what hurt and pain does.

I guess now I've learnt that hurt and pain breeds contempt and anger, and bitterness. And I'm so over that now.

I've moved on.

I didn't think I had. I guess I owe more than I can say to GT. He made me realise who I am, and made me realise I deserve better. Much better in my life all around. And to be honest, bless him, he doesn't have a bloody clue what he's done.
I work with GT and loads of other amazing people. But I've been very careful about my grief and who I open up to and when. We're quite a big team, and when I first started there, it was all in little groups. Now we're a big unit, a proper team, and we care about each other.
My big realisation came when I was working the night of GT's birthday drinks, which just so happened to be a couple of day's after FT's birthday, and just after my car accident and a really crappy time for me. Now GT can be a sarcastic blunt little sod, but bless him, he can be really sweet. He took me to one side and said something to me that no one had ever said before, and considering at that point I had a heart of ice, he comepletely melted me. He said:

We need to take you out and find you a woman, because you're an amazing person and you make people happy, and you need a nice woman, because you deserve to be happy.

And it was that one centence. That one conversation that made me realise exactly who I was, and what defined me, and that he was in fact completely right. For all the people that have come before, and gone for whatever their reason, it is their loss. I cannot change that. But I do deserve better, and I do deserve to be happy. I guess he made me realise that I needed to believe it was OK for me to want to be happy.

I've had a lot of ups and downs over this past year. And even more emotions. I've lost direction, found it again, and more besides, and well, belonging and confidence are building in abundance.

I've been through stages where I have thought it would just be so much easier if I was straight, but to be honest, with the best will in the world, I could never be with a man. There is no confusion or resolve there. I am gay, I accepted that a long time ago, and although that brings problems of its own for me, I will face them head on, and I will be smiling in the long run.

I hate that I fall into this awkward category of neither butch nor femme. I mean, I can do both, but neither really butch butch, nor neither femme femme. But it kinda makes me an anomalie in terms of being sought after by another lady. I guess just something I need to iron out!

The pros are, I can now talk about the past without my heart being ripped out of my backside. And I know I can never go back to how things were. But I don't want to... I want something better. And well, I don't feel like it's my loss anymore. With confidence comes arrogance!
My good friend Dr T is now talking to me as her agony aunt, and I was told on Friday I was really good at relationship advice... Her bf is really nice, and they make a good couple, if I can give her any pointers on how not to fuck it up like I did, then I'm gonna... seems to be working so far.

And as for me... well, let's just say GT and the ladies at work (DB, JV & RC) are taking it upon themselves to find me a lady... whether I'm looking or not! Am I scared... hell yes! JV is as mad as a fish, so she won't rest until she succeeds... but it's nice once to feel like I belong, and I'm so greatful to the guys at work for picking me up without even realising, to the three guys who have stood by me through it all... Doofus, Dr T & Lou.

Thank you is an understatement, but I love you guys!

And my baby Kia... I sound like a soppy fool, but she really is a tonic to me more than you could ever imagine a dog being. I'm so proud of her, and I'm doing my damndest to bring her up just like Spoonsie, and into the wonderful labro I know she has the potential to be!

For once, I'm happy, and consider myself lucky for all and everyone that I have.

It's not so bad to be me afterall!