If you love me...

Come hell or high water, sometimes, somehow I hardly seem to find the time to update my blog these days.
Maybe again this is another revelation from my last post. Somehow the 'next step forward' in the story of my life. I guess that's why I'm here posting.

I feel so much better about things, and myself, and my life compared to where I was at a year ago. Even to where I was at 6 months ago... it feels like I'm breathing again. I can't explain it.

So the reason for the title of this post? Many I suppose. Firstly I guess I was reacquainted with the Brownstone track of the same name from the 90s and haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since. I guess more than that though... its probably the story of me, and relationships and my moving forward.

I've met THE most incredible lady. And it scares me to death.
I said for so long after FT and I broke up that I would never be able to feel like that about anyone ever again. And I guess in a way, I was right. But at the time, I never thought it would ever be possible to feel more than that. Her name is Sarah, and I am absolutely bessotted. I feel like the 'hopeless romantic' has been revived and rejuvenated, more in force than ever, like a jedi that has regained theie powers.
She walked into my life at a time when I wasn't looking, and I was for once, completely focused on me. She's amazing. I mean, I tend to fall into the traps of focusing solely on my partner and our relationship rather than giving any credulance to myself. It's not like that with her. I've never ever before felt like someone gives a genuine stuff about me like she does. It's so different to anything I've ever experienced before. I'm not saying that people before haven't cared about me or put me first, but not like Sarah does. She's got the similar approach to relationships as I have, and complete devotion to the other person. It's just so weird because I've never just felt like this before. I can't explain it. I can't put it into words. It's just so amazing.
No one has ever made me feel like this... it's so amazing, yet so scary all at the same time. I'm petrified because I've fallen head over heels for her. Moreso than I ever have before. Maybe that's because I know me and who I am and what I want and have to offer now more than I ever have before, and maybe because she's just so perfect, and we just 'get' each other and are completely on the same wavelength and hours we spend together feel like seconds literally. It's so bizarre.
All I know is that inspite of what I ever felt or thought before, my heart feels full and complete with her. And I know without a doubt that she's the one for me... I just hope to god she feels the same, and we fight the world together. She has me... I'm going nowhere!

I am completely scared though. Besides FT, I've never been intimate or slept with anyone ever. I mean, I've not even looked at anyone and felt remotely sexually attracted to them in any way. Sarah completely changed that. I don't think I've ever been so attracted to, or wanted someone so much in my whole life... but I'm so nervous. This is all so new to me. And new to her too. I thought that part of me was lost forever. I thought I'd never be turned on in that way again. It's so scary... it brings a completely new dimension to things when you are so completely into someone and want them so badly, both in the intimate way and the relationship sense. I'm petrified of things not being perfect or stuffing it up or doing something wrong.
This is all so new to me... bricking it isn't the word!

She's the light of my life, the air in my lungs, and the beating of my heart. She's the last thing I think of before sleep at night, and the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning. She makes me smile, and believe, and hope and trust... all the things I thought were lost. And she can't see how special she is to me. I love her. With all that I have and all that I am... I love her...