Trying to find the words,
I'm not usually stuck.
I can see all sides clearly now,
As much as it hurts.
Suddenly my mind is pounding.
My heart and soul aching.
So many issues,
I feel like so little time.
I don't want to rush,
I want to do it right.
My head untangling,
My soul still bare as the night.
I know somewhere you still feel the way you used to.
I see it in your eyes.
I know it scares you.
But I know you can't handle this right now.
I can't blame you for that.
But I'm scared,
More than I've ever been afraid in my whole life.
I'm scared tomorrow will be too late.
I hated the person I was.
You deserved better.
I'm learning to like the person I'm becoming.
But I can't change completely today.
I'm scared she'll arrive too late.
I don't want to live in fear.
I just want to love you like in my heart and soul!
Please, someone. Just press pause until she gets here!
Saturday 7 July 2007
Thursday 5 July 2007
Why Can't You Be Like This All The Time?
I've had a mad busy week or so of ups and downs. So much so, that I still don't know where I am right now... and more than that, I think I know where I'm at even less than I did before if that's possible!
I've had a couple of 'discussions' with my mother since I last posted. Which to be fair, was like going over the same thing over and over again. Feeling like each time I explain why I find it hard to communicate, and just why I'm in my own head trying to sort things out, and that I'm sorry she feels like I don't let her in. The truth is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to discuss what I'm doing to sort myself out, I don't know how to explain it. It's painful to try and go into details about my counselling or what approaches I'm trying, or even how I'm working through them, and they make perfect sense at the time, yet I am struggling, or I feel like I am, but I can't explain how.
Regardless of that, I am trying to let her know I'm at least trying to work through things, and I've explained I'm doing things the best way I know how and in the only way that feels right for me to survive. Part of my counselling will be not to look at the negative of the possibility, or probability of us having the same conversation again in a few weeks, which I'm finding quite hard right now.
Regarding the counselling, I've been having a hell of a time with it this week. And I only get 6-8 sessions, and this was number 4, so there was I trying to space them out, when my counsellor thinks it isn't a good idea just yet until she feels sure I'm not struggling too much with the thought records, so we're on again for next week! Don't get me wrong, I think that's good, I mean, if I need the support, then it's a great thing that it's there when I need it, I'm just a little upset at how much I'm struggling and having difficulty. In some ways I'm not entirely sure I'm making any improvements to speak of, that aren't circumstantial.
That, and the longer I go on, and the more I look into things, the more issues I'm finding that I've got, and I need to tackle this one to deal with that one, and I'm getting a concertina effect.
We identified today that I have a chronic and debilitating fear of rejection. The point of that is that it impacts virtually everything I say and do. And it's worse with people I care more about. And the best bit of all this? Is that it stems from a trust issue. It would seem, regardless of how I feel, or what I do, or what I say, there is a huge part of me that doesn't trust completely. Yeah, there are still people I trust more than others, with as much of me as I am able to give, but part of me somewhere, subconsciously for some reason, is completely scared and doesn't trust entirely. At least, it would appear, not to the same extent as fully functioning human beings.
When you consider that trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship, whether family, romantic or friendship, then I'm screwed really!
And I don't know what to do about it, or how to fix it. My counsellor, Kate, said that there is no magic formula to it, it's all about taking a risk. But I'm so scared. I hate how it feels to be alone, and rejected, and not wanted, or to really really want something but not be able to have it. That's what I try to protect myself from.
I just feel right now like I've set sail in this boat on the path to sorting out all the difficulties I had, and I just keep finding new ones, and I'm in a complete storm, and it's so rocky, and I'm completely off course, and I don't know where to go, or what to do next.
I have such huge self confidence issues. And I mean completely huge. And I don't know what to do to get rid of them. I can see this super confident, sexy, beautiful woman I want to be, and I know full well that it will change how people see me and look at me, but I can't get there, I can't be it. I just don't know what to do. I can't make people see the me that I really am. And I can't be that me long for long enough to change anything, to convince people, to convince me, to make a difference. And each reversion back is just completely demoralising. I feel like I keep trying, but it's just not enough.
I had a 'moment' on Saturday night. This moment of the 'me' I want to be. The 'me' I really am inside. And more than that. I saw just for a second the real difference it makes. I just try and try and try, and I can't keep it. I don't know how.
I'd gone to my school reunion. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy! None of my old school friends were there, just acquaintences really, and I wasn't really friendly or popular at school. I suppose in my new mind, that was all the more reason to make the effort and go. To show everyone who I am now. That I'm not who I was then, that I'm proud to be me. FT came with me for some support, which was lovely. And it touched me when she commented that I'd be the first to do it for her or anyone else, so she was happy to do something that I really wanted in return. She was also quite right in saying it's a step I wouldn't have made 6 months ago, and so was a big thing for me. I hadn't really looked at it like that until then. And although I felt like a bit of a sour lemon, and didn't really have anyone to talk to or catch up with, and was disappointed at how some women can revert back to being 14 again just by attending a school reunion, I didn't make a fool of myself. I made a fair effort, and then called it a night and headed home without complaint or fear or embarasment.
We had a moment, sitting down having a drink and chatting, it wasn't even anything big, or anything special, or no real effort or trying or anything like that. I saw something in FT I hadn't seen in a while. It was like that starry eyed look you have when you're in love, and just completely happy in a moment. And she said to me 'why can't you be like this all the time? We really get on when you're like this'. And it's true. So completely true.
And it's the question I sak myself every day, and seem to struggle so seemlessly to find the fucking answer to. That's the me I want to be. The me that makes her feel like that. The me that is completely comfortable with myself, and completely confident in a moment, and unphased by life. Because inside, that's the me I see in there. And what really frustrates me, is that's the 'me' I know she's still in love with, and feels like that special way about. I know that's the me that gets under her skin and into her head, and it infuriates her to the point of complete distraction. I know it's still there!
I know it, because that's the effect she has on me.
I just can't seem to 'be' that side of me for long enough. Be the person I want to be. And what makes it worse, is that now it feels like I've left it too late to trust completely, in the way that I thought I was doing the first time round, because I'm scared of how to pick myself up when it hurts.
There's just so much to work on, and it hurts so much to be me right now. I don't know what to do next, or how to do it.
I've had a couple of 'discussions' with my mother since I last posted. Which to be fair, was like going over the same thing over and over again. Feeling like each time I explain why I find it hard to communicate, and just why I'm in my own head trying to sort things out, and that I'm sorry she feels like I don't let her in. The truth is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to discuss what I'm doing to sort myself out, I don't know how to explain it. It's painful to try and go into details about my counselling or what approaches I'm trying, or even how I'm working through them, and they make perfect sense at the time, yet I am struggling, or I feel like I am, but I can't explain how.
Regardless of that, I am trying to let her know I'm at least trying to work through things, and I've explained I'm doing things the best way I know how and in the only way that feels right for me to survive. Part of my counselling will be not to look at the negative of the possibility, or probability of us having the same conversation again in a few weeks, which I'm finding quite hard right now.
Regarding the counselling, I've been having a hell of a time with it this week. And I only get 6-8 sessions, and this was number 4, so there was I trying to space them out, when my counsellor thinks it isn't a good idea just yet until she feels sure I'm not struggling too much with the thought records, so we're on again for next week! Don't get me wrong, I think that's good, I mean, if I need the support, then it's a great thing that it's there when I need it, I'm just a little upset at how much I'm struggling and having difficulty. In some ways I'm not entirely sure I'm making any improvements to speak of, that aren't circumstantial.
That, and the longer I go on, and the more I look into things, the more issues I'm finding that I've got, and I need to tackle this one to deal with that one, and I'm getting a concertina effect.
We identified today that I have a chronic and debilitating fear of rejection. The point of that is that it impacts virtually everything I say and do. And it's worse with people I care more about. And the best bit of all this? Is that it stems from a trust issue. It would seem, regardless of how I feel, or what I do, or what I say, there is a huge part of me that doesn't trust completely. Yeah, there are still people I trust more than others, with as much of me as I am able to give, but part of me somewhere, subconsciously for some reason, is completely scared and doesn't trust entirely. At least, it would appear, not to the same extent as fully functioning human beings.
When you consider that trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship, whether family, romantic or friendship, then I'm screwed really!
And I don't know what to do about it, or how to fix it. My counsellor, Kate, said that there is no magic formula to it, it's all about taking a risk. But I'm so scared. I hate how it feels to be alone, and rejected, and not wanted, or to really really want something but not be able to have it. That's what I try to protect myself from.
I just feel right now like I've set sail in this boat on the path to sorting out all the difficulties I had, and I just keep finding new ones, and I'm in a complete storm, and it's so rocky, and I'm completely off course, and I don't know where to go, or what to do next.
I have such huge self confidence issues. And I mean completely huge. And I don't know what to do to get rid of them. I can see this super confident, sexy, beautiful woman I want to be, and I know full well that it will change how people see me and look at me, but I can't get there, I can't be it. I just don't know what to do. I can't make people see the me that I really am. And I can't be that me long for long enough to change anything, to convince people, to convince me, to make a difference. And each reversion back is just completely demoralising. I feel like I keep trying, but it's just not enough.
I had a 'moment' on Saturday night. This moment of the 'me' I want to be. The 'me' I really am inside. And more than that. I saw just for a second the real difference it makes. I just try and try and try, and I can't keep it. I don't know how.
I'd gone to my school reunion. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy! None of my old school friends were there, just acquaintences really, and I wasn't really friendly or popular at school. I suppose in my new mind, that was all the more reason to make the effort and go. To show everyone who I am now. That I'm not who I was then, that I'm proud to be me. FT came with me for some support, which was lovely. And it touched me when she commented that I'd be the first to do it for her or anyone else, so she was happy to do something that I really wanted in return. She was also quite right in saying it's a step I wouldn't have made 6 months ago, and so was a big thing for me. I hadn't really looked at it like that until then. And although I felt like a bit of a sour lemon, and didn't really have anyone to talk to or catch up with, and was disappointed at how some women can revert back to being 14 again just by attending a school reunion, I didn't make a fool of myself. I made a fair effort, and then called it a night and headed home without complaint or fear or embarasment.
We had a moment, sitting down having a drink and chatting, it wasn't even anything big, or anything special, or no real effort or trying or anything like that. I saw something in FT I hadn't seen in a while. It was like that starry eyed look you have when you're in love, and just completely happy in a moment. And she said to me 'why can't you be like this all the time? We really get on when you're like this'. And it's true. So completely true.
And it's the question I sak myself every day, and seem to struggle so seemlessly to find the fucking answer to. That's the me I want to be. The me that makes her feel like that. The me that is completely comfortable with myself, and completely confident in a moment, and unphased by life. Because inside, that's the me I see in there. And what really frustrates me, is that's the 'me' I know she's still in love with, and feels like that special way about. I know that's the me that gets under her skin and into her head, and it infuriates her to the point of complete distraction. I know it's still there!
I know it, because that's the effect she has on me.
I just can't seem to 'be' that side of me for long enough. Be the person I want to be. And what makes it worse, is that now it feels like I've left it too late to trust completely, in the way that I thought I was doing the first time round, because I'm scared of how to pick myself up when it hurts.
There's just so much to work on, and it hurts so much to be me right now. I don't know what to do next, or how to do it.
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