The Life and Times of a Hopeless Romantic

This past week has to be about the most difficult I've faced in a while. Or at least it feels it from here. I was doing fine. Everything was going well, and the positivity was running wild through my veins. Let's just say feeling good about yourself feels a lot better than feeling down on yourself all the time.
Then I had to go shopping for a present and card for my Mum's birthday, which each year happens to fall on the 11th February, in the midst of 'lovers' season'. In years past I've been able to get on with it, just whinging about the fact that it proves impossible to get her a birthday card as the shop is full of Valentine's gifts.
This year is a different matter, and it shot me backwards. All the time prior to shopping, I was OK with it all, I could avoid it all, but having to put myself in that environment, was just more painful than I think I even expected myself. There was no escaping it. Everywhere you looked: cards, teddies, roses, jewellery, poems, other romantic gifts. And to a hopeless romantic like me, it was like 240 volts of pain all at once.
You see, my feelings haven't changed. Not once in this whole time. So I'm walking round, not looking, but all this stuff is staring me right in the face. And there's a certain atmosphere, about being loved up and stuff that fills the air at this time of year. It's just intoxicating. For the romantic in me, it was unbearable. Everywhere, everything, expression of feelings. It was pure hell knowing that I couldn't do half of what I wanted to.
So what did I want to do?
I wanted to get in the car with a huge bunch of red roses, balloons, a huge card specially brailled out, chocolates, the biggest tiger teddy I could find, with this perfect silver 'I love you' love heart that I'd found, a bottle of wine, a cool box full of all of the culinary delights I know she loves, and a picnic blanket and a CD of glorious love songs, and go and spend today with her. That would have been the perfect day. I know what she likes, and that she would love to be treated to all that.
Only it doesn't work out how you want it to does it? Yes she would have loved it all, but probably backed off 100 mph because it was me. What has it all come to?

You see, I'm naturally romantic, and I do stuff like that all the time anyway. So it's hell enough constantly thinking to myself that she doesn't want me to do things like that anymore. She wants to forget how I feel about her. It's all I can do to restrain myself, and that hurts.
But today, it's too much.
Valentine's day to a romantic still deeply in love is like dangling human flesh in front of Hannibal Lectar and expecting him not to eat it. Hell, I'd have been better off cutting off my arms, legs and tongue to stop me from saying or doing anything stupid. It doesn't work out like that.

I got like no sleep last night. And have had a mega headache today to boot.
I woke up to receive a text on my phone from FT saying that she was thinking of me today and sending hugs, and that she'll love me always.
That meant more than I can explain. Especially when I'd been feeling like the last person in the world she'd want anything to do with today.
Little did she know then that the romantic in me had refused to die, or be displaced, as much as I fought it. I'd ordered flowers for her to arrive today. The thought of Valentine's day coming and going, and her not knowing how much she means to me, well I couldn't do it. Even if it goes against everything that's been said, or against everything the rest of the world people think is wise.
I could not let today go past, and not show her that she is still special. Still important to me, that I would still do anything to put a smile on her face. Yeah it still hurts, it hurts like hell where we are now. But I've been brought up as an open and honest person. If you love someone, you show them. If someone means something to you, you show them, you tell them while you have the chance. And I couldn't let today go by and not be open and honest to my feelings. She means more to me than that.

So for all you sceptics out there who think I fucked up, I probably did, and no, it doesn't get me any closer to where I would like to be, but I've told and shown someone very special in my life that they still mean the world to me. You may knock me back, and shut me out, count me out and want me to disappear, but you will never kill me, and I will always be there, fighting, because that's me. I'll always be open and honest for better or worse. I'll always pick myself up and get back on the horse, no matter how much it kills me each time, because you can't destroy the romantic in me, and that spirit will always fight on. You can't control how I feel. Nor can I. Yes, I have to learn to live with it, but it's my heart, and it has been given to someone with more worth than they know themselves. I know more of her value and worth than anyone in this world could ever understand, irrespective of what they think.
And it's through that that drives the romantic in me to treat her in the manner which my heart feels she should be treated.

I miss her so much. No matter what I do, that doesn't go away.
I love and respect her more than I have ever loved anything.
I fucked up. I made mistakes. I wish to god she still felt the same as she did before. I'd make her the happiest woman in the world without a doubt.
I can't change any of that. Yes it hurts, more than I could ever explain, but I can't change it.
I can only love. She has my heart, that doesn't change. And love her I do. It's not in me to pretend otherwise.

So on a day for lovers and being in love:
Happy Valentine's Day Darling. I love you today. Always and forever. Like no one else in the world ever could. Infanam xxxxxxxx