The Voice Within...

OK, so this was intended to be a fairly lengthly elegant post, but somehow, the computer crashed mid my excellent first attempt, so a more deflated me has ended up submitting this post for now.
The fair bones of the material will be here as was intended before, but I guess the remainder will have to serve for further post material, as I obtain in the inclination to express my views on those subjects wholeheartedly.

So, the voice within. There's a song in that I hear you say. There is indeed. It was also the turning point for me from my old point of view, to the all new me point of view.
You see, my life turned especially crap on Friday just past. My beloved FT. My soulmate and the one and only true love of my life decided that we would both benefit from some distance on the communication front. For me it was the final straw and felt like the final nail in the coffin. I suppose the only thing that has got me through our break up is the fact that we've still been there for each other. We've said we're best friends, and for me, I know she's my soulmate, that being my soul's recognition of its counterpart in another, and to love and care for someone so completely and so deeply and not be together in the way you want, is unbearable. The only thing that remained one fragment of hope and shining light was that we were there for each other, just like we promised we always would be. What does the soul do when it can't connect in any way with it's counterpart? Let's just say the only thing keeping me together was the fact that we still comunicated. We still connected. Not in the romantic, ever dying love kinda way as we had once before, but still in a way that no other could.
On Friday when she said we should have some distance for a few weeks. The bottom fell out of my world completely. I can't explain. I felt like I lost the one thing in my world that still meant something. I was scared of losing it forever. I was upset and hurt that she claimed to love me still, yet couldn't see that this was killing me. When I say it was a feeling worse than how it felt when we broke up, it honestly was. There was something about knowing that your perfect person is standing right there, but you have done things, and stuff has happened that has caused her love to drift away from you. I suppose even through all that, I knew deep down that she still cared, and she always would, more than any other. Probably more even than my mother, because she knows me inside out and knows my full potential should I chose to ever live up to it. But to say she wanted to stop contact killed me inside. I felt like nothing mattered. I begged. I pleaded. I was hysterical. How can you claim to love and care for someone when you just turn your back and leave them like that? I felt small. Shallow. Insignificant. Like I didn't matter. In the whole two and a quarter years that I've known her, she's never made me feel like that. I couldn't understand. I couldn't except that this was happening. I was already suicidal before this point. This tipped me over the edge.
I was supposed to be going to a rugby match with my cousin on the Saturday, and then out for a bevvy or two. Only his foot was playing him up and he couldn't walk, so we didn't end up going.
Like my own company was the last thing in the world I needed at this point.
I went and bought a few cans and started drinking on my own. I sat in my room, with the TV on and cans in my hand. I can't remember how many I had. All I remember thinking is that FT didn't care what I did from here on in. I felt like nothing. Like nobody. And I sure as hell didn't care what happened from here on in. I felt like I'd lost everything. Like I'd lost it all anyway. Anything bad that happened to me here on in would be a blessing. I must have etched our word 'Infanam' onto my leg about 100 times with a ballpoint pen. All the while thinking incredible, fantastic, amazing... and how none of that seemed to matter anymore. I eventually conceeded that this wasn't helping, and had a shower, spending about an hour in there trying to remove the ink.
Emotionally, I have never hurt so much in all my life. How it hurt to know that even if I picked up the phone, sent a text, rang her, emailed her, she wouldn't answer. How is that 'being there' for each other like we said we always would be? How was she here for me now?
It must have been the early hours and 4 vallergan tablets before I eventually cried myself to sleep on the sofa with everyone else in bed.
When Sunday came half the day was gone, and a trip to Ikea took hold and looking for an arsenal hat for my cousin's little boy kept me occupied. Whilst out shopping, I bought a DVD. It was one that FT owns, but I'd never watched. It was Christina Aguilera in concert on her Stripped tour.
On Monday I was moping around with little to do, and ended up watching numerous DVDs. One of which was this Christina DVD.
It sounds a little lame that a concert and song inspired me. Sure I've felt an affiliation with songs before. Like the lyrics or the tune. Wished I could sing like that etc. But never in my life have I experienced the right song at the right time like I did then.
The voice within is about the third track into the concert, and I've always liked it as a song. I'd always wanted FT to sing it for me, like at Karaoke or something. Sure I'd listened to the lyrics before, but never like this. Maybe it was because it was a live performance, I can't explain. But if anyone out there ever feels down or low in themselves, go find this concert, and listen to this song. It may help, it may not. But when you feel like giving up, anything is worth a try.
It seems silly to post lyrics here, they mean nothing out of context, but at a point in my life when I hated myself more than I've ever hated anyone or anything. When I didn't care if I lived or died. When I probably wanted to die just to ease the utter pain in my heart, and the void in my soul. These words brought me out the other side:
'When there's no one else, look inside yourself, and like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within, then you'll find the strength, that will guide your way'

From that moment on I almost woke up to the fact that to make anything happen in my life, I need to wake up and stand up, take responsibility, and trust in myself. My judgements. My thoughts. My feelings. Instead of trying to patch them up, or pretend I'm OK when I'm not. Instead of giving up on myself, and letting it get the better of me when it feels like everyone else gives up on me, then I have to stand up, keep my head high, not cave in, and not give up on myself. If I give up on myself, then what have I got left?

From now on: This is me. This is who I am. I make no excuses for it. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of who I am. All that I've achieved. Everything I have given and continue to give to this world. I'm even proud of how I feel, because no one else can feel it, it's me, and I'm unique, and I make no apologies for that. There are people in this world that will never like me. There are people in this world who disagree with everything I stand for. And there's not a damn thing I can do about that. There are people in this world who take you in, claim to be your friend, and then seize their opportunity to move in on everything you claimed sacred in this world, they use you to get what they want like you're pawns in their game of chess. And there's nothing you can do to stop them. You have to trust that karma has it in its hands, and they'll get their's when the time is right.
I consider myself truly blessed for all that I have to give this world, and all those I hold dear to me give in return. I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world to have shared FT's life with her for as long as I did. Some people go through life not feeling half as much as we have. Never finding true love. Some people don't believe in soulmates, and can't understand the prospect. I am blessed that I have found mine, and that it has been part of my life. And as much as I don't want to ever lose it. And ignorance may well be bliss, but my soul was complete for at least some part of my life, and that makes me luckier and more privelidged than millions of others in this world.
I look at what I have. All that I have gained. And all that I still have to give to this world. For those of you a part of it, you know how much you all mean to me. For those of you that have my heart, my soul, my trust, loyalty, dependability, and my friendship, welcome to my life, thank you for being here, for sharing it with me and for letting me be part of yours.

And a note to those whose lives I have made pure and utter hell over the past few months. The word sorry is not strong enough to express true remorse for the grief I have put you all through. Thank you for sticking there. For not giving up on me when I had given up on myself. Thank you for seeing something in me I had forgotten was there. You are amazing people, and I am an incredibly lucky person to have people like you in my lives who I can call true friends, family, and soulmates. I love you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart... and you know how deep that runs! I hope I never have to repay the favour some day, I wouldn't wish any of that on any of you, but if you ever need anything. I am always here. xxxxxxxx