Love

I have a new favourite quote! Hence I've put it beneath my vital statistics on the right there for all to see. But I wanted it to be the begining of this quote too:

The heart has a logic the mind will never understand.

If you ask me, that statement in itself is pretty much key to the human persona. And the answer to so many questions we find us asking ourselves over and over again, and still coming up with no logical answer!

I suppose my reason for this post was sparked by something FT and I were talking about on the phone last night. Bizzarly over songs that I've been singing along to. Now I'm no singer, and sound shit whatever I attempt to sing, and rarely sing in public to save humiliation. Although sometimes I do get carried away and sing in the shower, or while I'm driving. Anyway, I got caught singing whilst driving when in the car with FT last week. Anyone heard that song by Mark Ronson featuring Daniel Merriweather called 'Stop Me'?
Well that was what I was singing along to in the car. The chorus goes like this:

Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've
Heard this one before
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before
Nothing's changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love

Anyway, FT made me sing it to her over the phone last night! Apparently I sounded the cutest I've ever sounded singing anything. That's good right?

Anyway, we were having a debate, as she thinks that I've picked up on singing it because of our situation.
Of which there is an element of truth, apart from the last line.

So on began my tale of how that would be perfectly true if the words in the last line said 'slightly more' rather than 'slightly less'.
And on began the debate of how I could possibly love her more after everything that has happened.

To which the overwhelming answer pure and simply is 'because the heart has a logic the mind will never understand'!
Yes, so in a logical run of things, I shouldn't love her any more, and I should love her less after everything that has happened, and how much I've hurt.
But in my heart. That's utter bollocks. I don't posses and 'off' button for this woman, or even a dial to turn down how I feels. It just grows, and there's no logic to that, and I can't explain that.
There are many many reasons why I love her just as much, if not more than I always did. All the reasons I fell in love with her are still there. She has a list of 101 of them, and each and every one of them still counts to this day. But it's more than that now. There's something about the fact that we've been through complete and utter hell, hurt and pain that I don't think either of us believed was possible. We've both caused each other more pain than either of us set out to do, and more pain than I for one have ever experienced in all my life.
But in spite of all that, my heart still pounds when my phone rings and I see her name on the screen. I still catch my breath when she walks into the room. My eyes still light up when she talks to me. Being with her, for even just a second still makes me smile more in that instant that I do in the whole period that we're not apart. She makes me feel special, like no one in the world can even come close to doing. She makes me laugh louder, harder and more than I do with anyone else. She makes me feel relaxed, like there is no need to pretend or like I'm just being tolerated. She makes me feel like I belong. She makes me feel complete. Yeah, the optimist in me wants the perfect outcome in all this, because something about us just fits, so perfectly. And when I look at her, and think about her, and all that we've been through in the past 2 and a half years, particularly in the past few months, I know that I'll never ever love anyone in the way that I love her. I know some people spend a lifetime searching for the feelings I have for FT, and die without ever having experienced it. That's how I know how precious it truly is.

So when she asks me 'how can you possibly say you love me more now, after everything that has happened?' I can reply:
'Because my heart has a logic that my mind will never understand, and it doesn't matter what happens, I see in her the most special, wonderful woman, and I know she doesn't realise the half of it, or maybe even just how we just fit together, and thats why my love for her grows more each day, because every day I learn more about me, and more about her, and I fall in love with her a little bit more'.
It makes no sense. I guess it's not supposed to. Like I said before, if we're meant to be together, regardless of fighting it, fate will find its way. I have faith in that, and I trust that. And it doesn't matter what we or anyone else do and think... if it's meant to happen, then it will.
But if we all want to trump for it in the meantime, then that's alright too :).

So back to songs, in terms of me singing songs right now that reflect the moment. I figured the lyrics to Akon's 'Don't Matter' seem pretty spot on in their own way too:

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
Oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
We gon' fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you