Paradise

So I've been firlmy rapped over the knuckles for leaving my last post in such a position, and not elaborating any further for nearly a week. So I'll carry on where I left off, and fill in the bits that have happened since...

So I set off last Wednesday morning with my overnight bag in hand, to go and spend the day with FT. She was staying with a friend over the other side of London from me, so I had a bit of a journey, and so took the car.
I must confess, that after Monday night, I kinda felt like any hope and dreams I had of us rekindling anything between us more than friendship were something which I'd just spend the rest of my life hoping for but never quite attaining. Yes, the sexual attraction was there in the bucket-loads, but I just felt like I'd almost tried too hard on Monday to make a good impression and to show her that I wasn't really that crazy person she'd seen so much of over the past few months, that I'd just completely blown everything. I'd love to say I was 'resolved' to the just friends thing, but when you feel the way I feel about FT, I don't think you could ever be resolved. I was gutted, maybe a little angry and frustrated with myself, but then that's no different to how I've been feeling for a while anyway, and I was just so looking forward to getting to spend the day with her, and to do lots of fun things, maybe go to the park, or shopping or go for food and drinks, I was focusing on that rather than beating myself up completely. It was a case of 'Come on Luce, be greatful for what you've got!'
Lets just say her opening the door with a towel around her, and being in the middle of a shower did nothing to stop the feelings and passion I had burning down inside. But I was good, I behaved myself! Even if my mind was on anything but behaving myself. I played with Spoons, having her running up and down the hall like a mad dog while FT was getting dressed. I guess I didn't think Spoonsie had missed me quite as much as she had. I mean, how can a dog show you how much she's missed you? She was absolutely mad. Jumping all around me, and following me and begging me to play with her. Giving me paw, and kisses. I spent about 10 minutes grinning from ear to ear that she was so pleased to have me around again. And I don't think I realised quite how much I'd missed her!
When FT was dressed, we sat and had Croissants for breakfast and just sat on the sofa and chatted. It just felt so nice to be doing something normal, and just getting on! There was no pressure at all, and we both seemed to be enjoying spending time together and catching up properly. Before we knew it, we were sat there on the sofa, and Spoonsie came up and sat right on the pair of us! Bum on my lap, and head on FT's arm and shoulder. Now she is a dog to come up for a cuddle, but not a proper sit on you lap dog like that... I mean, she's a labrador for christ's sake! We must have sat like that for like half an hour or so, just marvelling at how the dog seemed just so happy and content that we were together, and how she blatantly wasn't really comfortable on our laps, but was refusing to move. When she eventually did get up, we all got a bit hyperactive and played with her... chasing us up and down the hall. Like I said, just normal stuff and laughing and joking around.
I don't think either of us have smiled and laughed and been that happy in ages. Before either of us knew what was happening, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. This wasn't planned at all. Believe me, the last think I had in my head when I left home that morning was that we'd end up all over each other. I think we were both apprehensive. We've both agreed to be feeling the same about each other, as I explained in my last post, but neither of us wants to hurt either ourselves or each other. So the sensible thing to have done would have been to stop right? Well. We couldn't! The last time we made love was when I went to visit FT in Sheffield in January, and that turned out to be a disaster. We were both in a mess and not really in any mental or emotional state back then, and it felt different. It felt like it was 'just sex', and we'd been so used to such a strong connection. I was scared that this would feel like that. That it would mean that it wasn't meant to be, that any deep connection between us was lost, and that it would screw up any chance of even a friendship with her. But I still couldn't keep my hands off her! We made love, and it was incredible! It just felt amazing, and so right to have her touch me, and to have my hands all over her. It didn't feel wrong, or strange, or like it was 'just sex'. There was such strong desire, passion, and love. There was a connection! It just felt so right, and so natural, and we both wanted it. It seriously was incredible and amazing. And I'm not just talking about the orgasm. We lay in each others arms, just holding each other for ages. Like nothing and no one else in the world mattered. We must have spent the ages in bed, and before we knew it, it was getting on for late afternoon and we hadn't gone shopping or anything!
We eventually ventured out, with Spoonsie in tow, to go and do some shopping. It was just out of this world to be with each other, and to spend time together. I think in that afternoon we realised that whatever is going on between us right now, is more than 'just sex'. We both had the same look on our faces. That look that no one else can even come close to achieving. The look of pure happiness, joy, and love. We shopped and flirted around each other, and had a meal at a fantastic Chinese restaurant, but it was just all the little things that made it so wonderful. Touching hands, and leaning into each other, hugs and spontaneous kisses, that sort of thing throughout the whole day. It was just incredible. I just felt so relaxed, and like I was myself. I wasn't trying too hard, or stressed about making something perfect, or wanting something to happen, we were just going with the flow and doing what came naturally. It was incredible! And that's all I've wanted for us for a long time. The irony of when you stop looking for it, or trying to force it, that it actually happens!
We topped off the whole incredible day by spending the night together. We cuddled, wrapped in each others arms, listened to music, massaged our aching bodies, and made mad, passionate, incredible love, in every way imaginable, before falling asleep, intertwined in each others arms, completely relaxed for the most incredible sleep I've had in months! We just held each other all night. There wasn't a second that we weren't wrapped up in each other... it was amazing! It was paradise!

I wish I had all the answers right now as to exactly what the hell is going on with us. I can't even lie and say that I thought I had my feelings for her burried. I haven't, and I never did. I was more resigned to the fact that I would never find anyone who I could love and feel like that for, and that those aspects of my feelings were effectively surrendered. I suppose I was trying to learn to live without them.
The fact is, my feelings are as they always were. When the phone rings and it is her, I get goosebumps on my arms and neck. When she walks into the room, I feel my heart completely miss a beat, I get goosebumps all over my body, and I physically catch my breath. When she touches me, I feel my skin tingle, and my heart starts beating faster. When she says my name, again, my heart misses a beat. And all the while, I'm grinning from ear to ear, that kind of stupid grin that you never ever get at any other time.
And that's still there.
I've seen in her this past week, all those similar sorts of looks and feelings that she had when we were together, and when it was good. And I've had them too. It's been incredible.

You know, honestly right now, if someone was to give me a choice of turning back the clock and going back to what we had before, or carrying on just enjoying all this that we're sharing and loving about each other right now, I'd chose this, without question. I mean, I know that sounds crazy, because what we had before things went wrong was so certain and so solid, and right now, it's a bunch of 'maybe' and 'see how and where things go', and I suppose in a 'new' relationship when you go through that, you don't know the potential or how things could be, or even what you'll miss if it doesn't work out, whereas the downside to where we are right now is that we know all that because we've been there before. But I wouldn't go back. Not when we've both come so far, and as much as we've both tried to back off and stay away because we don't want to hurt anymore, there is something that just draws us to each other. And that overrides everything else.
Just when I thought I had a handle on this thing called love, and I understood what it meant to be in love, it just brings everything to a whole new level, and I feel like I'm still learning! Which is a good thing I don't doubt, but it's just crazy.
Everyone thinks I'm mad, and that they don't want to see me hurt again. And that's the last thing I want. Believe me, I've been down this road of self destruction and more hurt than I ever believed was possible for the soul to sustain. But it has sustained it. It's still here, and it feels just the same as it did before, if not more strongly. I'm still in love with her. And all the time I was hurting, and all the time I wanted to do something stupid, never once did I ever want to cause her any pain, and never once did I get mad or angry at her, or resent her, or wish that things went bad for her. Not once. And I can be a pretty bitter and resentful person. I mean, yeah, call me evil, but I've secretly been hoping that everyone elses relationships fall flat on their face ever since FT and I broke up, because if we weren't meant to be together, then how can anybody else be? Yeah, maybe it's childish, and maybe it is bitter and selfish, but it's how I've been feeling. But then that's just to exemplify just how bitter and resentful I can be. So how come, for the woman in the world that meant more to me than life itself, and who however unintentionally, hurt me more than I ever felt it was possible to humanly hurt, that I didn't and never have felt any of that? One word. Love. I love that woman beyond belief. And I know I used to tell her all the time, and say it all the time, but I don't think I ever really understood what it meant until now.
I don't think you ever really understand love. I think you learn as you go on, and how your heart and soul encounters new things and finds ways of dealing and coming to terms with them, that's when you learn a little more what true love really is.
She knows how I feel about her. That's never been in question. I remember being the first to blurt it out when we first started seeing each other, and then thinking 'oh shit, what if she doesn't feel the same?' But she did. And she said it back, and I could tell by her face that she meant it. I guess I didn't want to tell her I love her last week, because I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to force us into a situation. I found myself having to really fight the urge to just blurt it out. She beat me too it. She said 'I love you'. And I had no hesitation in saying it back. It's how I feel, and no one or nothing could ever change that or take that away.

We've both spoke long and hard about what is going on between us right now. And there are no answers. We're just seeing how things go and following our hearts and our feelings. We're doing what we enjoy. Neither of us are trying to force anything, or pressure each other. We're just doing what feels right at the time. And if fate has it in store for us to be together, then we will be. In every sense.
We've had a talk about how we feel, and we've both said that we love each other, and that we'll never feel the same about anyone else whatever happens between us. And she's told me that I'm perfect and the only woman for her. And I've told her that she knows that she's the only woman for me, and she's perfect in every way. Now we just need to see if we can be perfect together. Like I said, we're just going to see how things go, and hopefully just enjoy spending time together, and whatever else happens is a bonus.
But I do feel like the luckiest woman alive!

She went out with friends the other night, back to her parent's in Stoke. I'd gone out with friends during the day, and was gutted that I wouldn't get chance to talk to her properly that day. I sent her a text telling her how much I was missing her, and that I hoped she had a good night. And I woke up in the morning to find that she'd sent me a text while I was sleeping, telling me that she was missing me, and that she loved me, and that I was the only woman for her who made her world complete. I woke up in the morning and had tears in my eyes. What can you say to that? She's told me that she's spoken to her parents about what's going on, and they've said that if we feel like we do, then we should give things another go because love like that doesn't come around often. And I thought her mum hated me! Aparently, she was telling FT that it's lovely to see just how in love with her I am and how much I care about her! So it puts an ear to ear grin on my face that someone can see exactly how I feel!

She's coming down to London tomorrow for an interview, and I'm meeting her and spending the day with her again. Neither of us can wait!
And we're planning on me going to Sheffield to visit for a few days very very soon. Something else which we can't wait for!

Like I said, it's early days yet, and we're seeing how things go.

The one thing I can't deny is that I love her. More than I ever believed possible. I always have, and I always will. Whatever happens!