And The Benefits of a 4 Day Weekend Were...

I cannot believe I'm back to work tomorrow! I cannot believe I've had 4 days off work, and I've felt pretty much like crap the whole time.
So you could say then, that the cold has lasted the whole weekend. I was really pretty ill on Friday and Saturday. This is the first cold I've had for pretty much a year, so it kinda knocked me for six... I've been pretty much healthy even when all around me have had full on flu and things. So I guess in many ways I've been lucky.
So where am I now? I'm at the semi-congested stage, with a sore red nose from wiping it and blowing it continually (it's not pretty). Well, actually, it's a white nose at the minute... covered in sudocrem to try and put a bit of moisture back into the skin (laugh all you want, it helps and doesn't matter because I'm not going anywhere). But unfortunately, it's turning to my chest, and being asthmatic, that's like 'oh shit'!
The coughs are a-coming and everything I eat feels like it collects on my chest... which isn't good.

And I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm not going to pull a sicky, because to be fair, I did do stuff at the weekend, so I can't really use the 'I'm not well enough' card... I have a conscience.

The up side is, doesed up on Sudafed and paracetamol, I went to watch the Quins play Hull FC at the Stoop on Saturday evening, as per my season ticket. And we won, which was good. Only trouble was I had a sore throat and felt lousy, so I couldn't yell at the Referee (bloody Silverwood for all league fans), who was an absolute knob. Still, look, look...two fingers up to you matie, we still won! And I would just like to pubically applaud Danny Orr for not missing a single kick again... have we found the kicker we so badly needed? Legend!
Anyway, enough of that... I felt a little better Saturday night, so I decided to go to my aunt and uncles and go watch my cousin's son on Sunday morning play rugby. He's only 9, and this is his first season, and he absolutely loves it.
It was worth all my pain when his little eyes completely lit up when I arrived to watch him train. And for a wee might, and a right little munchkin, he's actually pretty damn good! So I just want to say now, Go Tyler! We've got a right little Jason Robinson in our midst... and Nanny would be very proud of you if she were still here mate.

To be honest, I'm finding the not having my Nan around really hard. The next installment of the Now series of CDs is out next week, and she always bought it for me. That and with it being Mother's Day last weekend, I'm just finding it especially hard. I want my Nan back...

The remainder of my weekend I've spent putting together my new flat screen TV and DVD recorder... it is the dogs bollocks of equipment, and to be fair, has taken some installing, but I've managed to do it... and got completely shit scared watching Lost on it last night! And will be DVD recording 24 this evening :). I'm sure you can see me grinning from ear to ear...

Everything else has been a mish mash. One of my best mates has just split up with her girlfriend of 9 years, so I'm trying to be there and supporting her, knowing full well how hard it is when something like that happens... I just feel so far away though if you know what I mean?

And another of my best friends has just lost her uncle and is worried about her dad... I tried calling her this evening to check she's hanging in there, but it went to messages. And she didn't respond to my email from earlier, so I'm a little worried... but then it is Dr T... she knows where I am, and that I'm here if and when she needs me.

I'm just incredibly frustrated at my feelings at the minute... I have this absolute knack of falling for the impossible, and making life incredibly difficult...And all relatively under the wire. Fact is, now isn't the time to elaborate on this... just something that was in my head and I just wanted to bring up!

I guess my other whinge point and bugbear at the moment relates to FT. Although to be honest, it could have been any of my friends, just so happens that coincidentally it is FT.
Now I've known for a long while, and have indeed accepted the fact that she and I are now firmly on different paths. And I'm cool with that. Whatever happens or has happened has led us in different directions, and romantically that is never going to be rectifiable. However, fact remains, I still love her, as one of my closest friends, and someone that I want the best for, and want to see happy. I'm not saying sometimes it doesn't cross my mind that I wish that was still with me. But we are two very different people to the FT and DL who fell in love when I was back in uni.
My piss point, is that I expect a degree of consideration from my friends, and to be honest, I'm a wear your heart on your sleeve kinda gal, and I expect from my friends no more and no less than I would give to them.
So I've been arranging a big group of us to take part in Race For Life in Enfield in June and raise money for Cancer Research. To which a whole host of people from work, and Dr T and indeed FT agreed to take part in. Now by definition, it's obvious it means a lot to me. I've experienced cancer in my life, and I ran two of the damn races last year, and have been on the search for people far and wide to join in and get their friends to join in and make a day of it.
FT agreed to do it. And Spoonsie was coming along too. Now I don't think it's fair to use the excuse that people only joined up because I encouraged them to. Fact it, it's a choice. People have said no and refused to do it. Fair enough. Only FT said yes. So I sorted her out her entry and got the pack sent through to her. She was in agreement to all this I might add. And as far as I was aware, was quite looking forward to a day out with the guys with picnics and fun and all sorts. Only I spoke to her yesterday, and she tells me she's going to America the day after we go to see a concert. All sounds cool, so I said it sounds pretty cool, and she apparently chose then out of the whole summer just because it happened to be a Saturday.
OK so you know what I'm going to say. She goes the day before Race For Life.
To which end, I'm completely pissed off. It wasn't as though she didn't know about it. It wasn't as though the fee wasn't paid and the pack hadn't arrived. It's all there. Now I don't believe for a second there is any actual intent in going then to miss Race For Life. It didn't even dawn on me until later in the evening that the two events clashed, but it does piss me off.
And it's not just because its FT. I'd be the same if any of my friends had made the same fuck up. Fact is, it is something that is very important to me. I just feel like I put myself out there, do things for other people, that other people want, and end up getting taken advantage of. And I am absolutely pig fucking sick of it. One thing, one event I've been specifically asking people to join in with, and guess who it is that's let down again. I'm gutted. And to be honest, I'm losing the ability to trust the people I care about. It feels like sometimes the ones that won't let me down are so damn far away, and I'm left all on my own. And no one gives a fuck. I guess the event is a big deal for me because it's me trying to introduce close friends in my life together like work friends and older friends, and it's a big deal because it's for a cause that means a lot to me. I'm just gutted.
I sent her a text telling her about the clash when I realised last night. Haven't heard a damn thing back, which is pissing me off too. What would it have hurt to say something like 'oh shit, sorry Luce, I didn't realise that was then'. No, it wouldn't make it OK, and no, it wouldn't stop me being upset about the whole thing, because it won't give me what I want and I'll still feel let down. But it would at least make me think that there was some thought out there about how I was feeling. Some acknowledgement about me being actually fucking upset about it. And the worst part is it's too late now, for me to feel she was actually genuinly bothered about upsetting me.

It just feels like another aspect of my life where people really don't give a fuck. It just hurts all the more when it's someone you open up to that you feel let down by. It makes me not want to ask anything of any of my friends, and never make plans, because you don't have to face disappointment when it all goes tits up.

It's led me to decide I'm going to piss off by myself for a bit. I love my friends, and I need them more than I care to admit out loud at the minute, it's been and continues to be an incredibly shit year. But I can't face the thought of being let down. My Nan was always there for times like that. When I needed to escape, and to feel loved and wanted around, my Nan was the one to go to.

And from a family I saw at work the other day, where the wife would rather her husband with Parkinson's rot in a hospital than simply walk with him to the toilet so he didn't fall, I think I'm better off on my own.