Settle For Nothing

OK, so I'm not the most experienced in the world, and I'm not professing to have the answers to everything, or to be right in everything I do, but if I have learnt one thing from the life experiences is to 'settle for nothing'.
If you feel like something is getting you down, or if you're being treated in a way you're less than happy with, whoever it is, then stop bitching about it and do something about it.

I've spent far too long thinking to myself 'I wish she wouldn't do that', or 'I'm not happy with that situation', all the while going along with it and saying nothing... then eventually, I might reach a point where enough is enough, but by that point it's too late, and I tend to errupt.

So on springs me into a few heart to hearts of late with some of my friends. For completely different reasons, but that said, both situations which didn't sit happy in my heart and had been festering away. I'm not going to destroy myself like that anymore.

The first was a discussion with FT. Yes, OK, so we're trying to be friends, which is cool, and I've missed her in my life, and I want her to be my friend. I still want to open up to her and to talk to her, which is the reason for trying to find the best way for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, if I've learnt anything over the past few months, particularly from her behaviour resulting in this discussion, I've learnt that there under all certainty could never ever be any form of a relationship between us. She's too self centered which is abundantly evident these days. I'm not sure if it's got worse, or I had rose tinted spectacles on before, but the sad fact is, everything is on her terms. Which if that's the way it has to be, then fine, but I'm not bending over backwards to accomodate you anymore. I feel like the more you give, the worse it gets. And even as a 'friend', to be fair, even though I've wanted to call her and catch up with her over a drink or a meal or a movie or something, I haven't asked. I've learned the hard way that I get hurt a lot more if the venue isn't to her liking, then instead of compromise, the event turns into a no go, and she'll fill up that time seeing one of her other friends instead. And that hurts. Not just because it's her, I'd be the same with any of my friends. So sometimes it's easier and pain free to say no and put some distance. I guess my main issue is that we had gotten quite close, and were opening up to each other for a while... she was talking to me about her mum suffering with depression, and I was opening up to her over the problems I was having over Sarah being a psycho. And that was nice. But she started 'seeing' someone she met while away skiing in America. Again, it's her life, and even if I think the situation is a little weird in which to have a 'relationship', it's her decision. I was merely upset, because instead of telling me about it, she just changed her facebook status and never mentioned to me she was 'in a complicated relationship'.
Now I'd go apeshit of any of my friends had done the same. And I was upset because I'd really opened up to her over the Sarah side of things. So after a substantial amount of silence and no mention of her new 'relationship', I was hurt that it felt like my openess and trust had been taken the piss out of and wasn't reciprocated.
We discussed it. She apologised and agreed to talk to me, and we wanted to be friends, and understood that mistakes had been made, and they wouldn't happen again.
The sad fact is I still feel now like I'm not entirely sure if my trust can be placed there in the same way it was before. So I'm a little on guard, which also sets me on edge, as I don't like being like that with my friends... Something doesn't sit easy with me, and I don't like it. I'm not sure now we can be friends in the same way or even in the same way I am with my other friends. I guess watch this space.
On the other hand, it isn't just me. I was talking to Dr T over the weekend when we met up, and she was also saying that FT hadn't been in touch with her, and I think Dr T was feeling a bit 'picked up and put down when it suits' a bit like I was. And in fact it was her that suggested that FT could be a bit 'on her terms or not at all', and the general consensus is that we're both just going to get on with stuff and all that and if FT makes a suggestion on her terms which fits in nicely, then if we feel like it we'll roll with it, and if not, then we just carry on with our stuff.
I think that attitude in itself is sad, because I'd HATE to think any of my friends were like that with me, but I've been told I'm an exception to the rule and not like anyone else in putting my friends thoughts and feelings before my own so selflessly. Hell, it's me and I think that's a better quality. And I do know the real friends that matter will ALWAYS be there for me whenever I need them, whether convenient to themselves or not. And I love them for it. They know I'd lie my life down for them if it came to it.

One other thing FT said to me that really doesn't sit right with me came when I was opening up to her about some people I'm close to being so far away all over the country. I was really upset because two people especially who I miss and want to spend a LOT more of my time with, live something like 6 and 8 hours away by car, and it really upsets me. I was told that everybody has their own lives and there is no point getting so upset about them being so far away, apparently I should take her advice and find new friends nearer who I can do all the things with I miss with my other friends. I have friends local who I see and do things with. It doesn't stop me missing or really wanting to be with my other friends. I'm sorry, but if you don't know that about me, then you know nothing. That comment hurt and upset me. Yeah, I could fill every second of my time up with new local friends, and there would still be a hole in my heart where my best friend Doofus is, and where I want to be spening more time with her and someone else. That is an irreplaceable void. My point is I can pass the time of day, and keep myself busy, but I still miss them like hell, and still want to see more of them than I do. Fact.

My second heart to heart was with Doofus herself. With her imminent wedding... we have a date set now for 28th October 2009... Oh shit... I still need a plus one! You can take the piss Dr T, but it's not funny! Especially with my history with women (more later). Anyway, I basically opened up and told her just how much I miss her, and just how hard I find it that we're so far away and hardly see each other. I apologised for not seeing much of her for ages, and I hated it and told her how it destroyed me a little bit every day. If I'd have done it in person there would have been lots of tears and hugs. I apologised for not being the best at keeping in touch and how I tend to bury my head in the sand and maybe not call her as much as I want to because it reminds me how much I miss her and hurts even more. I explained it's no excuse and I didn't mean to be a complete cock about it, I just find it difficult.
Doofus knows me better than anyone, she probably knows exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling anyway. We will always be cool. I love her to death. No not in the 'I want your babies' way, but in the 'you're my sister' kinda way. I love you dude xxxxx.

On a complicated note, I just wanted to state fact and make it abundantly aware that I have this complete knack of falling head over heals for the wrong women! They either live too far away, or are in relationships, or appear to have absolutely no attraction to me like that in the slightest. And I certainly don't want to do anything to fuck anything up! It's all so shit and all so complicated! Damn and blast!

I'm off to watch Lost... just to confuse myself even further! LOL.