Something To Be Said For A Scapegoat

Am I the only person on the planet that thinks the word 'scapegoat' is a really strange word? I know the meaning of it all, and how it refers to a person who generally accepts blame or responsibility for an event whether it was their fault or not, but I just think it's a peculiar word.
I find myself a scapegoat for many things. And I'm not shy to stand up and accept responsibility or my portion of blame for a certain event, which probably makes my characteristics ideal for a scapegoat. As I said before... it's a crazy world is this!

I spoke to FT last night. It was like the first time for getting on for 3 weeks. I know many people think it was probably the wrong thing to do, and that I should have left it a while longer. But as always, I did what I felt was right at the time. I come on here day after day and in my roundabout ways mention how much I miss her. And that doesn't get any easier. All I've been feeling over these many weeks is that I just wanted to be noticed. To be a part of her life, and not to be switched off as though I didn't exist without a care in the world. That's how it's felt. And the times she's emailed me, or texted me, or tried calling me, and I've done my bit, I've kept my distance. I was scared of being picked up and put down when it felt right for her, and to have her back away 100 miles an hour if I tried to intervene at a time when she wanted space. That's the kind of rejection I felt the last time we spoke on the phone, and before I knew it, that night I ended up taking a gut-full of pills and preying I didn't wake up the next morning.
So I was scared as hell yesterday when we were chatting on good old MSN and she said she wanted to talk to me on the phone. Part of me wanted to jump up, grab my phone and dial her number, and the other part wanted to run into a corner close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and pretend all this wasn't happening. I didn't know if I could handle it. I didn't know what FT I was going to get. Whether it'd be the one that I know inside out, and I know deep down, who is open and honest, and isn't afraid of me or herself or how she feels, or whether it'd be the cooler FT that will do anything to make sure she survives and completely isn't herself. That's the one that kills me, and I wasn't sure if I could cope with that again.
I've heard so much lately about how I need to see her for who she really is, and see it as a lucky escape and move on, when the FT I know deep down is someone completely different, I guess I needed to know whether my heart and soul were playing tricks with me.
After nearly 3 weeks, we had the most wonderful conversation. We chatted about random things. No one thing in particular, but it was nice just for once to feel like she genuinely wanted to talk to me, which is something I've not felt for such a long while. And I guess in very many ways, it's done me the world of good. And not because it being a case of putting all my energies into one person like so many people think I'm doing. But because it confirmed for me that what my heart and soul know to be true really is the real FT. That is the woman I fell deeply in love with, and no, it wasn't a great big lie. Relationship or no relationship, there is still a bond and a connection there. And I guess if nothing else, I learned that I don't have to feel as though I'm going completely insane, imagining that is there, or that it's important, because, for the first time in a long time, it really felt like it still is.
She may not be in love with me, but she still loves me, and for the first time in a long ling time, I actually felt that, and I really believed that she missed me. And that in itself proves everything isn't a lie.
My feelings for her on the other hand have never changed. And I don't think they ever will. I love her, I'm in love with her, and I miss her like hell. But I don't want to be a prisoner to my feelings anymore. Which I feel like I was for the 2 years of our relationship. Looking back, I can see that now, and I was so hell bent on holding on to her and making her feel like there was no one in the world that could ever feel for her the same way I did, that I lost sight of so much, and I didn't let my feelings speak for themselves. I'm having to learn to not be a prisoner to how I feel, if I do, then I kill myself today because I'm so full of regret, sorrow and hate for myself at how it all went wrong.
So now my aim is to let my feeling speak for themselves, and to trust them. To live my life around my feelings, and not through them. Who knows, I may end up with a little more sanity to boot if I manage it!

Did anyone watch the programme on 'The Truth About Size Zero' with Louise Redknapp last night? That was the hilight of my evening viewing. I cannot understand why people would want to be so tiny! I mean, the whole Nicole Ritchie debate, and if you can see bones through the skin, it is just wrong! Does anyone even find that attractive? I mean, I like my woman with a bit of meat on her! One of the things I love most about FT was her gorgeous body and her luscious curves. Skinny women are just a huge turn off.
This programme was brilliant though. It started off with Louise Redknapp looking very nice, although still in my opinion, tiny at a size 8, with 32D breasts (although they never looked like a D cup to me), going through this commando like workout for over an hour a day, eating fist size portions of salad or vegetables (now I'm proud to say my hands are fairly big for a woman, but even I would die with a fist size portion) and it was just wrong! I mean, I could do with losing a few pounds, and I get grouchy when I'm hungry, but this diet was just horrendous. She was constantly hungry, constantly irritable, and even had severe stomach cramps and was sick. All to try and shrink down to a size 0, or UK size 4 in just 30 days. She managed it, and by the end her breasts had shrunk to a 32B. But her BMI was like 17.6 and she was boarderline anorexic.
And she took the challenge on as a way of trying to discourage people to go down the road of crash dieting. And boy, as far as I'm concerned, it worked! I have no desire to lose any cup sizes from my breasts... I like my DDs! But apart from that, on a much more serious note, watching someone half kill themself on a TV programme just to try and show the dangers is enough to convince me! The doctor had said, from the weight she lost, it was like 60% fat, but 40% lost was muscle. And let me reitterate... she was tiny anyway! And then there are issues when you eat 'normally' to put the weight back on, in that you have to be careful and have it monitored so you don't put all the weight back on as fat and you rebuild the muscle you lost.
It is just crazy! For anyone who can, please go and track this programme down, and show it to as many people as you can! We need something to deter people from such radical crash diets, there is no beauty in starving yourself to death!
And always remember... luscious curves are very sexy, and for anyone that thinks otherwise, go and see a shrink ASAP!