The New Woman

Appologies to all those concerned, yes, I have been a little slack on the blogging front of late. There are many reasons for this, but as of right now, things are good and I'm back with a vengance.
It's been a hard week for me. Really hard if I'm honest, and it's taken about all I have not to have completely cracked under the strain. But I'm still here and haven't done anything stupid by my standards, so I suppose all is well.
FT has been in the US this week, which I've found incredibly difficult. She's always said she wanted to go and see New York for her 21st, and it was something we always said we'd do together. So with her going without me, it's been about the most difficult thing I've had to face as yet as far as that side of things goes. Apart from the obvious being gutted at the thought of not going, to the thought of how can she want to go without me when it seemed to mean so much to her that it was something that we did together, and knowing how much fun we have together when we go away together, it's been a living hell. Especially to the thought of being worried stupid about the woman I care about, particularly as she's extended her stay by 5 days to go and visit someone who I view as a completely obsessive person with potential psychopathic tendancies, I've been worried out of my mind. And I'm not sure she knows what she's let herself in for.
I'm not the only person who can testify that she has psychopathic tendancies, as a fellow blogging friend knows first hand, and I'm not the only one worried, which heightens my concern if I'm honest. I feel powerless and helpless. That and I'm also worried, as I've been accused of having obsessive tendancies myself, and I've been raked over the coals for it, and it counts against me, and I hate myself for it, and am going out of my way to change that aspect of my personality, yet I'm slightly worried that FT is biting off more than she can chew with this visit, and it will take the obsession to a whole new level. She tells me it's OK cos the person 'hasn't asked and isn't asking anything of her', which I feel is a bit incorrect if she's ringing her repeatedly throughout the day and things, and I can see it going the same way it did with our fellow blogging friend, and I know FT inside out, and know that at some point, she'll feel trapped by it all, which is fair enough, but I'd rather she didn't end up with a complete psycho on her case. But I'm the last person in the world she wants to hear this from.
But I still love her, I still care and I still worry.

Aside from that I've had a million and one other things going on, which have left me feeling pretty crappy.
It seems my 87 year old Nan (Nan J) has given up the ghost on life. And to be completely honest, it's tearing me apart watching it. For 87, she's in pretty good health, no dementia or real disabilities other than arthritis and oedema on her legs, but there is nothing seriously wrong with her. But she developed a cold about 3 weeks ago, at which point she stopped looking after herself. Not through not being able to, but through chosing not to look after herself. She's not been eating or doing things for herself, and even to the point of not washing or looking after her personal hygeine. Which is so out of character I can't explain. She called the paramedics and begged them to take her to hospital, and then begged the doctor to keep her in, even when they could find nothing wrong with her. She was in all of 2 days, and then they discharged her and she's been staying with my Aunt and Uncle P&T. Only she's still not looking after herself down there, or even eating properly. We keep talking to her and encouraging her to try. And my Mum has even tried to guilt her into doing it by saying she's a disgrace to my grandad who even when paralysed with a stroke would make her cups of tea. Only nothing seems to be working. Now everyone is taking about looking into moving her somewhere where she'll have 24 hour care. They want to put her into a home.
I understand that the way she's being, there is little option. But it's soul destroying for me. She's the one that always looked after me as a kid when my parents were working, and we'd bake cakes and things. To see her like this and to see everyone do all they can to turn her around is destroying me, and I don't know what to do. I should be stronger than this, and see what is right for the best in the situation, but somehow I can't. I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one who will just listen and knows me and my Nan and my family, and will just understand. I just want my Nan back! When I came out to the family, she was the one I was most worried about, and why I bottled it for so long. I was so scared she'd be just like this, and that it would destroy her. But she didn't, and that meant more to me than I think it did telling anyone. So to have to see it all now, especially now when I'm still trying to deal with the mess of my life anyway, its just unbearable. Part of me wants to run away, only I have nowhere to run, and no one to run to!

I've been so trying to sort myself out, to deal with it all and everything else as best I can. The New Woman, is me. I went to the hairdressers on Tuesday and had my hair coloured and cut again. Which I am super pleased with, as aside from the fact that this hairdresser is mega expensive, she does a brilliant job, and the cut really suits my hair, and I can manage it well, so that in itself made me feel sexy and more positive... also to the point of taking a new picture for my MSN account! I've also invested in £120 for these excellent ghd hair straighteners... which are just the best that money can buy, and I can't rave about them enough! They are brilliant and even I can use them! I'd recommend them to anyone who wants wonderfully straight hair!
That and I've found another pair of black heeled boots, which I also have been wearing during the day, something which I've never really done before, but even that has had me feeling good about myself and gives me a decidedly positive sexy air... watch this space, a new woman is in town!
I also took myself up to Sheffield for a couple of days to stay with Doofus and her bf. It was the perfect opportunity to catch up with mates, like Jackson and Doofus herself, who to be honest, I have been a complete cow to since my mental collapse. So I wanted to make the effort and to make things right with them again. And it was also good to catch up with Dora, who I haven't seen since before Christmas. we all went out for a meal, and then spent hours playing Cluedo on the itbox... my one true addiction. Well, one of my addictions shall we say ;).
Anyway, it just felt so good to surround myself with people who love me, at a time when I felt pretty low. And that is something I need to do more of rather than shutting myself away inside. I have amazing friends, only I don't tell them enough!

The driving along the M1, music surrounding me, with my singing along to my 'songs of the moment' playlist on my iPod, I felt good. I felt in control, and I loved the freedom to have my car and to be able to do exactly what I was right then. It done me the world of good.

I stopped off via P&T's in Dartford, Kent to go and have a drink with my cousin Andy for his birthday, and I bought him dinner. So it was good to catch up and have a few drinks, although I still am unable to keep them down. And on Sunday, my parents and resident cousin Chesney came round, as did my other cousin Jill, and her husband Matt, and their two kids H & T. We went down the park and took photos and watched the kids play, it was just nice to be around everyone. I remember sitting there at dinner, just watching everyone, laughing and joking, and enjoying being together. This is something we only usually do at Christmas and Easter, so it was nice to do it for no reason in particular. I just sat and watched for a bit, and was just grinning innately at it all, and thinking to myself, 'these people know me, for who I really am. Everything just felt so right and so natural, and everyone was just having so much fun. I felt like for the first time, that I have the best family in the world, and that I'm so lucky for what I have'.
Of course there's always the niggling thought that 'if only I'd go to this point sooner', as I know now that anyone I bring home will be welcomed into the fold, hell, FT was always part of the family even when no one knew we were a couple. They truly are brilliant, and I love them all.

I also had a phone call in the week from my estranged Nan (Nan A), she's my Mum's mum, but they don't talk anymore, readers of my old blog will know the story behind that, which I'm not going into again. I have to confess to not making enough effort there. You see, I may not agree with the fact that my mum doesn't talk to her, but I don't agree with the way Nan A favours Chesney's brother 'Satan Spawn' (who still lives with his parents) over Chesney, and even over myself, irrespective of whether he is going to be the only one in the family to carry the 'Knight' name forward. So I've found it hard keeping in touch with her when she can pick favourites, especially when I've done all I can to make her proud of me, and hoped that my grandad would be too.
She rang my mobile the other night, it said 'private number' but I answered it anyway, and it was her. We were on the phone for about 30 minutes, and there was no animosity. She, and mum's side of the family are the only ones left who I've not come out too. Which for me, is no issue as I hardly see or speak to them anyway, so I don't care whether they approve or not. It's their loss if I disappoint them. But that said, I didn't think it was fair to tell Nan A over the phone. Particularly after so long of not speaking. I said I'd go up and see her, and that is what I plan to do.
I've decided, tomorrow afternoon I'm going to go up and see her, and explain to her that the reason I've moved down from Sheffield is that FT and I were together as a couple, and we separated, and so I moved down to make a fresh start. I don't care how it goes. She has her grandson and heir anyway, and if she is that shallow to let it bother her, then I haven't lost anything. I don't want anything from her. Not her money, not her acceptance, not her blessing. But I do need to be true to me, and that means not hiding who I am from anyone.

I sat and decided the other day, that yes, I do fuck up from time to time, but ultimately, I'm a good person. I deserve to be happy, and to be treated well. But if I'm not honest, then I'm not treating myself well, and why does that give anyone else reason to treat me well?
I'm sick of beating myself up with what other people think or might think. I need to be proud of who I am.
I'm not one to go all fundamentallist and shall we say right or left wing if that is the turn of phrase I'm after, to the point of forcing gay and women's rights in people's faces, but I do feel that the world needs to be more informed than it is currently, and how can it be if we hide behind who we are, or if we hide who we are? I live in Peckham for christ's sake, being gay could probably get me killed by gangs. But I refuse to be afraid. No I'm not going up to the 'Peckham street crew' or whatever and start arguing for gay rights, but i'm not going to hide either. There's a line between being stupid, being sensible, and being afraid, and I refuse to hide and be afraid!
So in my bid of 'little steps' of being proud of who I am, I've invested in a rainbow pinbadge for my coat and a venus lapel for my shirt collars when I wear one. I wear my labrys pendant that FT bought me with pride and never take it off, and I guess I wanted to subtly do the same, without the 'Nobody Knows I'm a Lesbian' sort of t-shirt thing going on. As I said. it's all small steps, but it's me, it's who I am, and I'm very very proud of who I am and how I got here! And nobody can take that away!