Woman, You're A Fool... A DAMN Fool!

It seems I have the evening, well, the night at least to myself. And I have access to the computer at night for a change. I can't sleep, I have a million and one things brewing through my brain, so it seemed the ideal opportunity to submit another blog post, when things seem so ripe in my mind!

I wanted to call it 'reflections' or something like that, but then I figured probably all of my posts of late should be called reflections, as I've been doing a lot of self reflecting. And tonight, I have been a damn fool, so this seemed like the perfect title.

One of my mittens had to go to the vets today for a 'dental'. This could have involved taking some of his teeth out, I mean, I suppose it's quite common for an 8 year old kitty to have bad teeth, but it doesn't make it easier knowing that. They're like my babies, all of them. It was heart-breaking when I had to move out for uni and leave them behind, and I missed them all so much, but I was used to not having them close and being away for periods of a time. But now, I've moved back into the fold for a bit and I suppose to both them and me, it was like I never went away. I had to sign the form to consent to him having an anaesthetic today, and as is always the case, it carries some risk to the animal. As a Biomedical Scientist, I knew this and was well aware of it, but somehow seeing it there in black and white really un-nerved me. It's not like he's not had one before, but for some reason this time, I was worried sick. Maybe cos I feel like I've lost enough of late and I didn't want to lose anything else important to me. I don't know. But I was relieved when Mum phoned to say she was bringing him home and that he was OK and didn't have to have any teeth out.
Maybe it had something to do with my period as well, but I've just felt emotional all day. I was relieved to have my boy, my 'Big Ow' back safe and sound.

I've been doing a lot of 'me reflecting' the past few days, and I suppose with time on my hands today, and with worry, I've been doing plenty today as well. I think it was the whole realisation about my 'coming out' issues that have sparked it all off. I feel now, more in the cold light of day with things, and that everything seems to be settling down, things can be made more sense of, and analysed for what they were and are, rather than caught up in the heightened emotions that was.
The god's honest truth is that I never realised that fear and anger were such destroying feelings to possess if you let them be. And so much of my life as past, was me giving in to the fear and anger inside me rather than learning how to deal with it. I've already described the bitterness and fear and anger behind the continual anvil of 'coming out'. But one of the real main things that I suppose bothers me, and worries me about my personality, is my jealousy. I've never been able to pin point why and where it comes from, and how it makes absolutely no sense at all. That in itself was another destroying factor of all that was good in my world. And if you don't understand it, or where it comes from, you're never going to deal with it in the long run and move on through it.
How can it make sense, when you have everything sitting there right in front of you? I mean, come on, I proverbially 'had it all'. A confident, gorgeous, sexy woman that loved me, not just superficially, but loved me for me, in spite of all my bad points, it was clear to the world just how deep that ran. We had a gorgeous apartment, we shared common interests, common goals, common dreams. We had Spoons, we were a family. I would remind myself of all this constantly. She would remind me of all this constantly, and everyone else would remind me of all this constantly. Yet I still got jealous, and I still couldn't cope.
WHY?
Again, it does me no good in fixing what it broke, or getting back what I lost, but now, for once, I can see why! Ultimately, it boils down to one thing. One factor. Fear. But what is there to be scared of when you 'have' it all? Losing it. Pure and simple. Straight up, losing it. And bingo, that's what happened.
The whole lot relates back to the whole 'coming out' issue. I have low self esteem and a low self worth. Why? Because I was scared and couldn't do the one thing I needed to at the time when I needed to do it, to make everything feel real. I'm not saying that it wasn't real, or that it didn't feel real. Because it was. It was so very real. I put my every effort, my everything into our relationship, because that was my way of ignoring the outside world. Everything felt so perfect inside, I would focus on that. Shut anyone and everyone out. She came first. We came first. That was the only focus. That way I didn't have to deal with what was ultimately destroying me inside.
And focusing on it like that just bred in me jealousy. If anything felt like it was getting in the way of the 'focus' that I was putting on the relationship, I would get scared of losing it all. I would get jealous. I focused on her because I was too much of a coward to face what I needed to, and it was OK, because majority of the time, it made her happy, and that made me happier than I ever imagined possible. Of course, that just caused me to intensify the focus because it seemed to be 'working'. Don't fix what's not broken right? All the while, I had this daily torment in the back of my mind that ultimately, I wasn't being honest with the world about who I was and how I felt. She was the only one who really knew and understood me, and loved me for it.
But on the other hand, FT had already dealt with coming out, and has many gay friends who are also out, and was much more confident at dealing with people as herself and being who she really is than I was. I was always guarded and worried about what people would think. How they would see me. I felt like I had so much 'baggage'. I saw the world as my threat. I guess I felt like I was trapped and I didn't know how to get out.
I always thought that one day she would go out and meet someone who didn't have any of this baggage, and she'd realise that being with me, that she wasn't being who she really wanted to, and that I was holding her back. I didn't talk to her about it. I never told her how I was feeling, because I didn't want her to think she was burdened with my baggage, I thought it would push her away and I'd lose her if I did. All the times she went out with friends or spoke with friends on the phone, I was so scared that she'd see straight through me as the coward that I felt like I was inside, that I didn't know how to deal with, and I felt like she'd run a million miles. I couldn't see any reason to stick with me. But why would I if I was forever dealing with the demons about the one thing that was personally destroying me inside on a daily basis? I wouldn't.
She just saw the jealous outbursts and no reason behind them. She couldn't see my fear and where it was all coming from if I never told her about it. She, like me felt that everything was perfect. As far as we were both concerned, we'd discussed my coming out, and both said that she'd be there for me as and when the time was right to deal with it. I lied. I led her to believe that I was coping with it. She thought I was ignoring it, and putting it off and off, and she must have got frustrated, but like the wonderful supportive woman she was, she never pushed me or backed away, she was always there, and I knew it. I fucked up. I didn't let her in.
A certain degree of jealousy is good and healthy. It reminds the other person that you're still interested and feel like you'll be losing something important if they go. But to the degree that I was... it was destroying.
She knew all that. I knew all that. I tried to cling on so hard I suffocated her and the relationship. That wasn't my goal, and once again, had I realised what I was doing, I would have damn well done something to stop it. But when the relationship was my only focus, and my main goal was not losing it all no matter what, neither of us could breathe. To the point that it made me the one thing I feared most... impossible to be with.
How can you be in love with someone when they are suffocating you and sapping every ounce of life out of you? And I wondered where it all went? Fucking idiot.

I'll say it again. And it's a big regret for me. I should have got councelling right at the begining. I needed it then, more than ever in my life!

I'm not saying I'll never get jealous again. That's a promise I can't make. I probably will. When you're scared of all you have to lose, it's a natural emotion. But I sure as hell know all the signs of what to look for in me to control it now. And I know now how important it is to ask for help and seek it when you need it. I just wish I'd realised this before I lost the most important thing in my world!

Whatever happens in the future, as I've said before, I've learnt more about myself than I thought there was even to learn. And it doesn't matter how complex I am, providing I can find ways to understand it and learn from it all. And I'm doing the right thing about getting there!