Better Late Than Never!

Now it seems like I've got too much to post on here after all that! I've been itching to get on and post for a good few days, but have had like nil chance to do so! So this post isn't going to say or cover half of what I wanted it too :(. Or probably not even in the way I wanted it to... so I'm very disappointed, but none the less, here we go:

As I already said, I spent Friday shopping with my Mum, who had the day off. It was nice to get out and to have a look around, although I didn't find a damn thing to buy! We went to Lakeside and Bluewater, and even with all those shops I came home with nothing. We did have a nice lunch though, and I had the nicest piece of steak I've had in ages! Mmmmm.
On the way over to Lakeside I had a phonecall from FT. She'd woke up having a really bad nightmare, and being in the flat by herself, she was scared and she called me. She gets these really violent nightmares from time to time. To be honest, it scares me that they are so violent and so vivid, it always has done. I suppose I never really thought much of it all the while I was around after she'd had one. I always seemed pretty good at reassuring her and making her feel safe and calm. When she rang on Friday, it was awkward to talk, with my mum bellowing down the phone to her boss on her hands free, so we could hardly hear each other. And I think FT regretted ringing me. I think she felt guilty for leaning on me with it all. I think she felt that I wasn't really interested anymore. She couldn't have been further from the truth. I was glad that she phoned. For once I felt like I was important and I was actually of some use, if I could do anything to make her feel a bit better than she did before she rang. In truth, I don't know if I actually was any good. I was scared, and it dawned on me, perhaps then more than it had before, that I was so far away. Had I been any closer, I guess I'd have felt better myself, like there was more that I could do. Instead, as glad as I was that she phoned me, and let me in, I was upset and frustrated that I couldn't just fix things. I think I helped a bit though. We text each other quite a bit throughout the day, and I think if nothing else, I think I managed to make her laugh and cheer her up quite a bit. So maybe I was of some use? And she rang me later that night, and we had a good chat.
Right now, I think things are going quite well between us all things considered. We're being more open and honest with each other, and we seem to be getting on better because of it. For once she sounded like she genuinely wanted to talk to me, and it was like all those random sort of chats about nothing in particular we used to share in times when we had to be apart before. It was natural and relaxed. I guess that's what I've wanted for us for a while now. I'm not saying everything has run it's course and we're in this place now where things are in a normal equilibrium. I'm not sure that will happen for quite a while, if ever. But I think we are, or at least were Friday night, in a place where we're trying not to focus on what was, what should or could have been, or even what is going or likely to happen in the future. But I think we're in a place of taking things one day at a time, and trying not to predict or expect too much of the other. I could sit here and type this, and say that we had the most wonderful conversation, which we did, and that there was a connection between us that I simply don't ever get with anyone else, which again is true, and if I can read FT like I think I can, then I think that to a certain extent, she thought the same. We both miss each other like mad. That much is abundantly obvious. But trying to read into things. To read into the future, isn't going to do either of us any good. I guess that's where I've changed to how I used to be. I used to be so focused on the future. So intent on making this happen, and that happen. And even when we split up, I was so intent on focusing on how it was all just a step in the future and how we'd end up together further down the line. I'm not seeing it as anything like that anymore. I'm done focusing and predicting what will and won't be. There are certain steps you can't see in life. And it was me not seeing this one while looking so far into the future that led me to fall so hard when I missed the step.
I'm not saying we'll end up back together down the line, and I'm not saying we definetely won't. What I am saying is that we both need to focus on us individually. She needs to focus on her, and I need to focus on me. And if there is something somewhere down the line, then hopefully we'll be sorted and ready as individuals to look forward to it and enjoy it if and when it comes. If not, then hopefully, there is something else in store for us, and equally we can enjoy that if and when it happens too.
I'm still learning. There's a difference between forgetting the present and focusing so hard on a future you want that you fuck it all up and lose it all and enjoying the present and taking small steps to the future so you can enjoy it all as you go and adapt to each step in turn rather than collapsing at every hurdle. I'm trying to reach the second of those two scenarios, and I'm getting there slowly and surely. It's not easy, but I am doing it!
She's coming down to London in a few weeks, and we're arranging to go for dinner. That's as far as my forward planning goes right now. It'll be good to see her, and good to catch up properly. I'm done predicting the future... I'd be a crap clairvoyant, I'd probably be sued for all I'm worth!I'll stick to enjoying the little things in life, which I can so readily forget!

I suppose all this has caused me to do a whole lot of reflecting on me as a person, and how I've handled things and how I handle them now.
And I have changed. Don't get me wrong, fundamentally, I'm still the same person, but in many ways, I have grown, even grown up! I can sit here and list a whole load of regrets that I have, and say how things would have been different if I'd done something about them earlier. But that doesn't do me any good whatsoever. As painful as saying that is. I'm trying to look on them and use them for the future, rather than let them eat me alive.
I suppose my one big regret is the whole 'coming out' issue. I wish more than anything that I'd dealt with all that long before FT ever walked into my life. It put so much of a strain on everything, it never felt like she was pressuring me to deal with it all, it was more of that I felt pressured because I always felt like I was letting her down by not being completely open and honest about who I was. A day never went by when I didn't wish that the whole world knew that I was gay and that she was my lady. I'm ashamed at myself for the way I handled it all, and when I did manage to gather the courage to say to myself 'it doesn't matter anymore who disowns you because you're gay, you can't carry on lying, you have to be honest and proud and be who you are', it was too late, and too much damage had already been done.
Maybe I didn't show it outwardly, or even talk about it often, maybe I was good at 'ignoring' it, but not a day went by when I didn't feel inwardly upset, pressured, disappointed in myself, frustrated and angry at myself that I felt like I couldn't be honest about who I was. A lot of the time I would get angry, and deep down, that would be the internal reason why, I would just take it out on the rest of the world rather than stand up and do something about it. I suppose part of me would in a sense, resent FT. She's been through it, she was out the other side. She was braver than me. She had more courage. It wasn't like I wanted her to be going through the daily inner turmoil that I was, I just resented the fact that I wanted our relationship to be perfect, and all the while the world has preconceptions about how relationships should be and gay people have to 'come out', I felt resentful that this is something that can be such a damaging thing to have to do, it was destroying me inside, but straight people never have to face it. It made me angry and upset. It's no excuse, but looking back, I can see that so much of why I was like I was in our relationship was down to that. I wasn't the me I wanted to be. That made me angry, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I was scared. She faced the brunt of my anger and frustration about it all. And fundamentally, that played a part in sewing the seeds that destroyed all that we had.
I guess I was never honest about how much it did bother me. As I said, I was good at ignoring it, and putting it off. I suppose I wanted to protect her, she'd already dealt with hers, she didn't need to deal with mine too. And I knew how hers was a bit of a rough time all in all. I didn't want her to have to deal with mine and me if things went in not a good way. I couldn't deal with it myself, but I didn't want her to feel trapped into dealing with mine because we were together. So it seemed easier to ignore it. All the while it destroyed me and made me angry inside. I should have let her in more. I should have told her how I was feeling. Every single day. I should have been honest and told her that no matter how I seemed on the outside, I couldn't and wasn't ignoring it on the inside. I should have been honest that having that constantly over my head was making me angry. At myself, at the world, at everyone. I was constantly scared, and constantly angry, and I felt like all I had was how I felt about her, and how she loved me. How it felt like that was the only thing that was true, and that's why I focused on those feelings of mine and lived for them, because I felt like everything else was killing me. I should have got councelling then. I needed it.
But as much as I hate the fact that I had all the coming out issues to deal with, and how part of me wishes more than anything that I'd dealt with all that before, so we could have seen where things went without the preverbial brick wall in the way before we started, I couldn't have been luckier than to have had FT by my side through it all. The fact that she was my first and that she's my true love and my soulmate means more than I could explain. I'm not sure I could ever have done it without her. It's just completely catch-22 at how something and someone so perfect in my life and that I couldn't have coped without has had to suffer so badly because the pressures of it all.

I suppose knowing all this now gets me nowhere. Now I'm out to my family. I'm out to everyone. And everyone is OK with it. All I can do now is look back and see what a mess I made of it all, and how ultimately I let it destroy everything. So it's all bittersweet. I feel like I was never really myself in our relationship. I was never as 'out and proud' as I ever wanted to be. I never got the opportunity to show FT off to everyone that means anything to me in the capacity that I so badly wanted to. Ironically, it was the wanting to do all that that caused all the anger and bitterness that spelt the end of everything. So you see, it feels like I lost more than just a relationship and a future. I wasn't honest about it all like I so wanted to be, so I've lost far more than anyone could ever imagine. And it's living with that that's the hard part.
Now I resent not having the proper 'chance' that I feel that for two people that 'get on' and connect like we do, really deserved.

As I said, I'm done with predicting the future. I suppose I'm also done with dwelling so completely on the past and destroying myself with what went wrong and how I should have coped with it all.
All I can say I do know is that now, I've learn so much more than I ever felt possible. And I have grown. I've learnt how to be strong, and never to let fear in to the extent that I did in the past. I've learnt not to let it destroy you and those around you. I've learnt never to be ashamed of who you are, and to fight for what you believe in. Deep down, I knew all this before, but I didn't know that fear breeds anger and resentment and destroys anything that is good and you value in life. I just wish I didn't have to lose the one person I'll ever truly love in the process of it all. I'd love nothing more than to start things with FT all over again, knowing about me all that I know now, because I know that things could be so different. But in life you don't have the luxury or pressing rewind and doing it all again, no matter how much you wish for it.
All I can do is take each day at a time, and learn more about myself, and to enjoy being me and be proud of who I am.