Round And Round In Circles

Parents are supposed to love unconditionally right?
So why is it I feel as though mine don't? Well, more specifically, my mother.

I've been lame at updating my blog of late. Is that because things have been going well and part of me has felt like I didn't want to waste time blogging instead of making the most of the trivialities of life itself? Or is it because I've been avoiding issues which have been pressing me, niggling in the back of my mind, hoping that maybe they'll go away by themselves?
I deserve to be happy right? Surely everyone deserves that? And am I foolish to think that someday things will all go smoothly and I can just live my life and be me without worrying about who I upset, disappoint or piss off in the long run?

Fuck, just ignore me, I'm an idealist!

Right now, I can't go into the ups and downs of it all in detail. This is going to be some halfwit gobbledegook post as a way of me venting a few things and probably dealing with none of the problems I'm having. But then I guess it's my way of at least starting to face up to the fact that they're there. A start at least!

So back to the parental unconditonal love. I feel like such a fucking disappointment to my mother it's unreal. And why? ultimately because she thinks that the way I'm dealing with my life right now is all wrong, and she'd like me to deal with it in a different way. Fair enough you say, she's entitled to her opinion, and I agree whole-heartedly. But anyone that knows my mother knows about the constant 'air of disapproval' I face on a day to day basis. And it's not so much what she says, but the way she says it, and what she implies, and even what she doesn't say. To the point that the whole world knows her view on a particular situation.
She doesn't talk to my Nan A (her mother) anymore. Hasn't done for a couple of years, due to a disagreement over my cousin and how he is treated considering he isn't blood related. In that instance, I agree with my mother's point of view over the whole thing, but to the point of cutting my Nan and that side of the family out of her life? No way.
Ultimately I'm a peace-seeking kinda gal. I'm a libran and as such, I'm all about balance and harmony... that much is very true of me. So I hate the whole fucking fall out thing. Yeah, Mum says I'm not involved, but it's fucking awkward being stuck in the middle. It hurts, and I just want my family back. No, I don't like that she's never got a good word to say about my Nan. And the real thing with my mum, is you are either very obviously 'on her side', or your against her. Of course she doesn't say this out loud, but she makes you feel it very clearly with her actions.

So of course, the fact that I'm living my life the way I see fit to right now. Perfectionist, idealist, romantic, whatever you want to call it (she'd say fucking mug, but that's besides the point), surely its my life to live how I want? And just because she's my mother and she feels like she is responsible to pick up the pieces if it all goes tits up again, surely that doesn't give her the right to provide the attitude 'either you do things my way, which I see to be right, or I'll take great pleasure if they go wrong, and tell you I told you so all the time, and if they go how you want, and not how I predict they will, I'm prepared to say goodbye to the relationship we had'.
That's where I am right now.
It's her way or the high way.

Apparently, I'm the scum of the earth either way. And she has 'nothing to lose' because things aren't like they were before I left home and developed a life of my own, which is basically the equivalent to me growing up. I mean, what 25 year old tells their mother everything? And asks for relationship advice? Least of all when the one person you're hooked on is the one person you know if you mention to her you're going to get a derogatory comment about, so it's easier to deal with things yourself.

I basically told her the other day that I have to live my life the way I feel is right at the time, and I appreciate that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I have to do what I feel is right, and at least trust in myself to be right, and fight for what I believe in. If I don't have that, then as a person, I have nothing. I tried to explain that this is what I have to do, to be me. And as far as I could see, I love and respect her opinion, but she can either stop getting the arse and trying to force me into doing things her way with emotional blackmail and awkwardness, and be happy for me and how far I've come and stuff, or she can continue to try and guilt me into living my life the way she thinks I should, and face losing any relationship we ever had, as it just serves to stifle me and push me away as I strive to maintain my independence and individuality.

I don't know what good it's done. In some ways she seems like I've explained myself well and she's taken it on board and trying to not cause a rift. But in other ways, it still seems like she's trying to show me things are different and that she does still have the arse, or is 'getting used' to things being different and doing stuff without me etc.
I don't fucking know anymore.

I've not eaten properly since Sunday. Part of me is hungry. Part of me isn't. I'm sick of being pushed from pillar to post. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going.

She says she doesn't like the 'power' FT has over me. Which equates to the fact that I'll do anything for her, and go out of my way to make her happy. To put a smile on her face. To spend time with her, and talk to her, etc. It's not power. It's love! That's what you do when you love someone! Truth be known, she's just pissed that she never married anyone that cared for her half as much as I do for FT. I've always felt like there's been a constant competition, as though she's done things to play herself off against FT, and she loses every time. Because that is the nature of things when children grow up. Their parents go from being the centre of their universe to watching them fall in love and treat someone they treasure in the way in which their parents have taught them. She's supposed to be proud of who I am. And how I treat people. Yet she just seems to get pissed about the difference it makes to how I used to be before I grew up. If she had a normal loving relationship with my Dad, then I wouldn't be the focus anymore. Truth is they only stayed together to provide a stable family unit for me, and then he was diagnosed with MS and she felt too guilty to leave and didn't want the carer responsibility to fall on my shoulders.
So now it's like I'm still the focus, and the only way to not meet her disapproval is to link the ball and chain and not to anything I ever want to, and to live my life the way she wants me to.

I wish the fucking doctors would set me up with this councellor already.

I tell you what. I'm feeling so fucking low about it all, I'm nearly at that stupid point I got to before. No, I can't cope. I don't want to live my life like this. I don't want to fall out with my mother, or disappoint her. Yet I can't live my life the way I want to without doing that. And yes, surprisingly, it does make me want to kill myself. It pushes me to the point of 'what's the point?' and 'Nothing matters, because nothing I do can be right'.
And I don't want to be here right now. Why? Because, to be honest, FT is the only reason I haven't done something stupid already. Because deep down, in my heart, I really do believe that somewhere down the line, we are meant to be together. And with all this shit going on with my mother right now, that's the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Because there are no certains, or definites. It's all a huge leap of faith, and I don't want to be here and dealing with any of this family shit, and seeing my family as I knew it be destroyed in one fell swoop, but I stick around because I believe we have something special. And I hate it, because right now, it's unnecessary pressure we don't need. I wish it wasn't how I felt. I wish she wasn't being a cow.
I hate the panicking feeling inside that because she knows my mum is being difficult like this, that FT might think none of this is worth the stress and hassle. Hell, why would anyone stick around when someone is horrible like that? I hate feeling that my mother is banking on the fact that if FT does love me, that she will walk away because she wouldn't want me to lose my family. I hate it. I just hate it. I really am not worth the hassle in the slightest. I know that. And I'm scared shitless that she'll think so too.
And it's all my mother's doing.

As if it isn't hard enough to deal with the uncertainties and the maybes. I mean, sex is one thing, and attraction another, and lust something else. dealing with all that is one thing, but feeling as though there's one person you really connect with, and I can fully understand falling for someone else and all that kind of thing. But there's only one person in the world I would want to settle down with. One person I'd want to share important experiences with. One person in the world whose babies I want running around the place. And I know that person is FT.
At times, I wish it wasn't. I wish I could run a hundred miles in the other direction. But she makes me smile from inside. Like I can't explain. Like with anyone else it's only ever about sex, or lust, or desire. And I could fuck the same person repeatedly over a period of time. But it would never ever be like it is with her. And for me, if I stop believing that someday, we'll end up together. If I stop trusting that fate has it all mapped out, that whether in a year or 10 year's time, we'll end up together, then it's like not having faith in myself. I just wish I didn't feel like I had the whole world to fight in order to believe in me.

And it would be nice if someone other than myself believed in me!

I love her. I love FT. I can't say sometimes I wish I didn't, because I'd be lying. I love how it feels to love her. I love how it feels to have her on my mind, in all senses. And I love knowing that she loves me. I wish I had the answers, or could press a fast forward button. Up until now I was enjoying things as they were... getting to know each other again, taking things as they came. I was enjoying the prospect of the chance of dating FT, and showing her the 'real me'. Not the angry, bitter individual she suffered for so long.
Yet now, as it turns out, I feel angry and upset. At the way my mum is being. And it's another issue I didn't want to have to deal with. It should never be an issue... I'm an adult. I feel upset, and isolated, and alone. I love FT. I want to open up to her, and confide in her, and have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Yet ironically, at a point when I've learned the damage that keeping anger and hurt inside can do, we're not in a relationship anymore for me to open up the way I want to. The way she as a person, and the only person in the world, allows me to.

And that is the pressure that is not needed when you're 'seeing how things go'. It's the kind of thing that makes the other person run in the other direction. My mother's not stupid. She knows this, and it's probably what she's banking on to destroy any chance FT and I will ever have. So yeah, I'm in a full blown position to get hurt. Which is crap, when things were going so well, and I actually believed. Now I just feel as though fear and panic has set in, and it's screwing everything up, and I've gone from an attractive, sexy, fun-loving, easy going individual who is enjoying life as it is, to feeling as though I'm losing everything again, and that FT and Spoonsie are all I have left.

It's fucking it all up. And I feel like I'm losing my reasons to fight. Hell, she should run. It doesn't matter that I love her, just save herself and run. Before I destroy her as well as me, cos to be honest, I feel like I'm more than half way there with me already!