Nostalgia

Anyone encountered the wonder that is Facebook? Well it makes myspace look like a pile of shit on rice in my opinion! So in the great 'facebook vs myspace race', you can guess who I'm backing all the way!
Yes, I did have my issues with Facebook, and still do in some ways, as it won't allow me to join my old university network as I'm an alumni and don't have a current .ac.uk email address. But in the grand scheme of things, as much as it doth piss me off, I am still loving it!
Infact, I check facebook now before I check my emails!

Through Facebook, I have been reconnected with at least 30 or more people I haven't spoken to, or seen for many years. I can't marvel at the wonder of it enough.
So yes, I'm feeling nostalgic!
I've been chatting to people I went to school with, people who I got on with, but never really had much time for at school. To people who my enthusiasm for class competitions pissed off no end. It's just funny that how as adults you have so much more time, reasoning and understanding for people. Somehow the little things that bothered you then seem so inconsequential now. You can move on with your life, and show a genuine interest in people without half of the teenage angst you felt back then.
And I must say, as much as I said back then that I didn't care about so and so, or acted as though it didn't matter to me what someone else did with their life, I mean, I was reassured in the fact that I stayed in contact with the people who I was really good friends with, and as much as I thought I was cool with it all. It is really nice to find out what people have been up to, what direction life has taken them in, whether they're married, have kids, etc, etc.

I suppose my one true regret from it all was that I didn't try half as hard enough to keep in contact, or make as much of an effort with people as I would have liked. That upsets me and makes me sad. And you can make excuses until you're blue in the face, but let's face it, sometimes, there is just no excuse.
So right now, I'm enjoying finding people, and catching up with people. Learning how they've changed and how they are the same. And them doing the same with me.

I suppose most of my nostalgia settles around one person in particular. I shall call him A. His parents and my parents were best friends when we were growing up, and consequently, we spent lots of time together. We'd be round each other's houses every other weekend, the parents doing their thing, and us doing ours. He has 2 brothers W & R, but age wise, we were the closest with just 2 and a half years difference, and we just gelled and got on.
You know when you see these little kids, inseparable, holding hands, not wanting to go anywhere without the other? That was us. We were 'paired up' from a young age. As far back as I can remember, I remember going to firework displays, my family and his. And we'd walk all the way there holding hands, and I remember it was dark and I couldn't really see where I was going, so I just held on for dear life. I remember family caravan holidays to Cornwall and the Kent coast and things like that. We'd have one huge caravan for 4 kids and 4 adults, and we always had a fight over who was having the top bunk in the caravan. A and I had this thing. It must have been like 1986 or 1988 something like that. When Kylie and Jason released 'Especially for you'. They did a performance on Top of The Pops, which A and I memorised completely, and we'd put the video on over and over again, and mimic the actions.
Looking back now, it's completely cringeworthy, and I can't believe I'm admitting to it. It's weird what you remember! But that is the innocence of kids, in all their adorable glory.
A was the first person that ever got me anything for Valentine's Day. We'd always send each other cards and gifts. Like I said, we were paired up from birth!
Then our parents got more and more distant, and we saw less and less of each other. Plus we were both getting to be teenagers, and there was school and new friends, and everything. We just lost touch.
To be honest, that is one thing I do regret. Not because I think anything would be different now, but because we used to get on so well. We were such good friends, and we were separated at a point in our lives when you just go with the flow of the parents, and so it seemed natural. I was never happy about it, but there seemed little I could do to change it. And by the time I go to a position where I had independance and felt like I could lead my life without parental direction 24/7, too much time had passed and I didn't have the courage to throw myself back in there to re-establish a friendship.

I was with some other old friends, a few weeks back now. Ones that knew A and I when we were kids. And what with me coming to terms with my sexuality, and developing an exceptionally good 'gaydar' for want of a better word, we got onto the discussion about whether or not we though A was gay. And we came to the conclusion it was a unanimous 'YES'. But it's not the sort of thing you're going to find out by chance, or even ask someone if you happen to bump into them after 12 years.
Anyway, I found A on Facebook the other night. It was a complete mixture of emotions rolled into one. It was like being a kid again, and remembering all the good times and all the fun, and then the bittersweet kick of a distance in my heart I felt shouldn't have been there. We ended up adding each other as friends, and have been chatting and catching up. He left a post on my wall, after obviously reading my profile, commenting on me going to uni, and also mentioning that he has been with his boyfiend for just over 6 months.
So it seems my gaydar does not fail me!
But that's besides the point! It was nice to catch up and find out stuff about him, and him me, when we've been out of touch for so long.

One thing from this all does make me sad, and wonder if things might have been different though. A has obviously been through the coming to terms with who he is, and being gay and stuff, as have I. I just can't help feeling sad that maybe if we hadn't lost touch like we did, that maybe things might have been easier for us both to come to terms with if we had each other there? OK, so I have no knowledge of how his coming out experience was, whether he had a rocky patch or whether it was all smooth or not, or when it even happened. But maybe if we hadn't lost contact, I might have been able to face up to my feelings sooner than I did? And maybe that wouldn't have had such a detrimental effect on my relationship with FT? Sometimes I do feel like I just need a gay big brother who understands all the issues and ups and downs, and who will just be there when you need someone. Maybe if A and I had been closer when I was coming out, maybe his support and advice, and just knowing that there was someone there, maybe I wouldn't have handled it so badly?

Of course, I can't answer any of this in the slightest. I don't have the answers. Ad right now, it doesn't change anything. I am just glad he seems so settled in himself, and that things seem to be going well, and so happy.

Hopefully one day maybe we can be close again? Who knows?