I'm not sure I know how to articulate myself right now. Things have just gone crazy again. I'm not sure I know how to deal with it all. And all the while, I keep telling myself 'hang in there' and 'keep going'. But for what? I don't know.
I still hate living at home. Things maybe aren't as bad as they were last week. Judging by the fact that I'm not spending hours a day crying into my pillow at the magnitude of what is my shit life. I just don't know what I want. Or maybe I do, and I just can't see myself getting there. Maybe the easier thing to do is just to give up without trying, seeing as right now I don't feel like a day passes without a new vision of war wounds upon my already destroyed soul.
In truth, I want to run away. Get away from it all. Just being here reminds me constantly of what a glorified fuck up I am. It was supposed to feel like being in a place where I was loved no matter what. Where I could be me, and do my own thing, and just have people around who cared and loved me for me. In actuality, it's not like that at all. I'm in a place where I just feel like I'm not wanted unless I'm someone else. Unless I'm someone different. Which, when you have tendancies to wish you was anyone but yourself to fix your pityful excuse of a life, is not what you need. I'd rather be anyone but me most of the time.
And all the pointing out of my good qualities, and things that I've got going for me, just don't seem to cut the mustard.
'You're kind, loving, caring, generous, honest, dependable, reliable, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, etc etc' But let's face it, I can't be that great, because FT and I aren't together anymore, so I can't be that perfect. But then there are reasons for that, which I completely understand. But then it should stand to reason, that if I have all these qualities, and I'm that 'wonderful' being at home shouldn't be like it is right now. But it is, which leads me to the ultimate conclusion that people just say I'm great and stuff to make me feel better, when the reality is what I've always felt, that I'm not great, and not worth pissing on if I was on fire, and FT deserves someone better, and I'm just a complete disappointment, and my mother deserves a better daughter.
Granted, I've not had much, but I have had enough of the professional guidance to know that self worth, and importance and things need to come from within. But there's only so much I can take, thinking 'you know what, I am a good person, and FT will never find anyone better, and I do bend over backwards for people, and I am all of the above'. But sometimes, when everyone's attitude and reactions point otherwise, it is hard to actually believe what you know inside to be right.
It seems easier to run away. And if I didn't think it'd lead me to a road of stupidity, I would.
Deep down, I know I'm a wonderful incredible person, and I have a lot to offer the world. But sometimes, it is nice to feel that other people think that too.
I suppose right now, my self resolve is weakening, and I don't know how to get it back. If indeed I can at all.
Someone very sensible once said 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'. And I agree entirely.
I don't think I ever really appreciated my relationship with FT until it and she wasn't there in the same capacity anymore. Which is a suicide factor in the world of relationships. But you can go over the 'if only's' and the 'what if's' forever.
I don't think I ever really appreciated the importance of my family in my life until right now when everything seems incredibly different, and not like it used to be at all.
But everyone has me the same as always. I'm still around to do stuff for the family as and when they need it. I'll still bend over backwards to try and remain part of the fold, even if I do get a touch of the cold shoulder and resentment because I juggle that around living my life the way I want to these days, something I never did as a kid. I've made a rod for my own back there!
FT and I had a discussion on the phone the other night. She pretty much said she wishes she had the opportunity to miss me. By that, not meaning that she doesn't, but just the fact that me being me, I'm always around in the same capacity that I always have been. I still do sweet things, and put myself out, and bend over backwards and do absolutely anything and everything that I think will make her happy. Not that that's a bad thing, but she's always had it in her life since I walked into it. She said she doesn't know what it would feel like not to have that. It's back the the 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' scenario, and for FT, it's never been gone. So I think she thinks she maybe doesn't know how much she has, or values me or what we had, because I'm not really much different.
We've agreed to try a complete 'no affection' and 'complete hands off' approach for now. She says it might give her a kick as to what she is missing, rather than us not being together, but always having the security and knowing that I'll always be there to bend over backwards no matter what happens, whenever the chips are down.
I know it needs to happen, and it is the right thing to do. And if there is ever to be any future for us ever in the future, then this is definetely what needs to happen for it to occur. I think it'll do us both the world of good. I need reminding that I am a wonderful person, and that I do do absolutely anything and everything in my power to achieve her happiness. And I think we both need reminding of that, and just making damn sure that it is something that no one else in the world would ever be able to give. Of that I am certain.
I just wish that right now everything else wasn't so crap. I wish that I could believe better in myself and what I have to offer. I'm scared because this is the time that I need to show my strength, and what I have to offer, and all that I am, and that it is great and there is no one in the world ever that could love and give like I do. I'm scared shitless because everything right now just has me feeling like I am an absolute waster and disappointment and not worth spitting on if I were on fire.
I'm scared because I have everything to lose all over again. I'm scared because if I feel like that deep down right now, then that's what I'm going to project to the world, and it will only ultimately serve to show FT that in actual fact, she's missing nothing.
Her feelings are as mixed as mine are. It's all just a mess. I don't know how to be with the 'hands off, just strictly friends' approach. Purely because everything I have ever done and said has only ever been out of complete and utter love. So to try and equate that to the same sort of reaction to Doofus, who is my bestest friend, I'm at a loss. The truth is, I'm not that good-a-friend. If I don't feel in the mood, or can't be bothered, I won't be. Yet for FT, I jump even if I'm not in the mood. I don't put myself out to go and see them, or call them and stuff, maybe not as much as they'd like. I'm crap at giving advice, unless it meets my opinion. If I can't afford to do something, I don't make the effort, I don't go. I rarely say 'sod the money'. In fact, I can't think of a scenario when I have actually been a good friend when someone needed me. And these are people I love and care about. Maybe my mother has it right!
I just feel like I have nothing. And no one to talk to. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be not coping. I want to be who I really am inside, or would be if I didn't feel such a pariah to people who are supposed to care about me: a suave, sexy, independent, confident, caring, honest, dependable, loving, seductive, mysterious woman. They're the bits I want to portray to the world. The bits I want FT to remember she misses. I'm just scared that by the time I can get my head around this emotional abuse, it will all be too late.
Vital Statistics
- Lucy
- London, United Kingdom
- We spin in circles, in roller-coasters of ups and downs. I'm 26, and sometimes that feels like a lifetime, and sometimes like no time at all. I've experienced so much, yet still have so much to learn. And now I can officially say I'm an out-and-proud lesbian learning about life in the capital of the universe... London Baby!!! But above all, I'm loyal, loving, honest, and speak right from the heart. For better or worse, this is me. This is my life. Welcome to my world...
2 comments:
Hey Doc, you know, I've been reading you and FT for oh, about 10 months or so. I always feel that you are like my husband in the way the that you love. It is wonderful to be loved that way. Unconditionally, and never to be put down or have him be ugly to me. Having someone who tends to my every desire (when I will actually LET him, that is), and never complain about it. Is eager to see me at the end of his day, even after 18 years together (17 of those as husband and wife). He is so self sacrificing, it can't be explained adequately at the moment.
I used to tell him to "be more dominant," and he'd say that he couldn't see himself bossing me around, which isn't exactly what I was trying to get at, but apparently never could get through to him. I'd tell him to let me sweat it once in a while as to where he was, or something like that.
But, alas, he just isn't built this way. He's learned when to leave me alone and let me have some space and I've mostly learned how to accept him being "up my ass" (that's an ugly way to say it, but sometimes that's how it feels to me, annoying) constantly and not to make it too painful for him when I'm pissed at him for something, lest he begin to think I'm not worth loving so dearly after all. He just loves way better than I was taught to love. I was taught to love fiercely, but not in a non-selfish and unconditional way.
I guess what I keep thinking, and want to run by you, just as a thought-provoking thing, is that maybe you two were getting to the part of a relationship where you've settled in and things aren't all romance and presents and going out and all that good stuff. You know, wondering where each other is constantly and what they're doing without you and gifting each other with little presents, even if it's only a cute little greeting card or note. Not being together constantly and wishing you could. Going out together and enjoying the excitement of getting ready for one another. All that good stuff....I'm just not able to condense it all down so there's so much more, but hopefully you're getting my drift?
I think something that might be good, and I'm not one for giving advice really, but from the outside looking in at just a tiny glimpse of a much larger picture, I think you're scared to do anything that makes it look as though you're moving on. Like that would make it seem like it was finally okay with you that FT might be moving on without you and help her to move right along. Is that correct? I think that way, because I'm not the strong side of my and my husband's relationship (though neither is he always). So I see myself in you too. ((Especially when you were talking about not being a good friend, can't be bothered, etc--sounds just like me only I could never put it to words like you did.))
I'm not sure if you're working...I have the idea that you aren't at the moment. I'm not one for promoting working LOLOLOL!!! BUT...perhaps if you made it LOOK as though you were moving on, yet still trying to include FT into your busy schedule, like doing whatever it is you wanted to do with your degree, and meeting new people and learning to live again, slowly as it may seem to come, maybe it will have FT wondering what you're doing without her and she'll desire you again in that way that is new......maybe. I feel like that's how I'd feel if my husband suddenly became a bit active again if we were in a situation where I wasn't absolutely sure I wanted to be with him anymore but needed some space and freedom too and we got separated because of it. If he suddenly became active again, I wouldn't want him to do it without MEeeee. I don't know. Like I said, I'm not an advice giver, I'm mostly a sympathetic listener. I'm not even a good conversationalist even though I've sure babbled on in this comment (but there's a reason. and is the reason also if all of this mumbo jumbo is just that--mumbo jumbo stupid shit).
But look at it this way too....even if it doesn't help in making things begin to feel new and exciting, (like wondering what each other is doing without the other, etc etc)(I mean, right now, it seems as though you're feeling like FT is going on with life without you and you are always wondering what she may be doing, BUT, it seem that FT knows exactly what you're doing--which is being sad and depressed and downright broken hearted and not much of, if anything, else). Is that right? Or even close?
Do something. Make her wonder what you're up to without her. I'm not saying to do anything ugly at all, or to rub it in her face that you're living a little again. Just do something that interests you (your degree, maybe? and see it this way--you're also making your family proud again at the same time) and she'll wonder...
And where I said way up there a little ways ^, if it doesn't make her wonder and help to bring her back your direction, look at it this way, you might just find that you've landed yourself into a whole new and exciting life of your own.
I've wanted to say something meaningful to you for a long time, but was too chicken of my own words and thoughts so didn't. Even now, I feel I haven't.
WOW.
Now that was a comment and a half! Trust me, with a comment like that, you should never be too chicken of your own words! You talk an awful lot of sense lady!
I agree with everything you've said above. And thank you for spelling it out to me, because that really helps.
I suppose in truth, I knew all of this anyway. And in not so many words, it was exactly like what FT and I discussed the other night. She pretty much said as much as you did, about you and your husband.
I know it's the right thing to do. It's just not so easy in practice. And that's where I struggle.
Also, whatever I do won't make one bit of difference in terms of making my family proud or happy. Not unless it is a direct action which they (my mum in particular) thinks is the right thing to do. And right now, it feels that whatever action I take to give me hope and see me through and help me deal with all this, is not the action she thinks is right. So I can never make them proud, at least not my mum.
That and the fact that she can hold a grudge tighter than an iron statue, so it's a lost cause. I just get to experience the 'do what you want, you will anyway, i don't care' attitude on a daily basis.
And right now, I think it's that more than anything that shoots my resolve and hope in the foot. Because it doesn't matter what I do anymore. I'm always left feeling like a truly horrible person.
I'm not one for uncertainty and dealing with change in the slightest. But usually, if I know this then I can sort of take measures to combat it and deal with it as best I can.
Right now, I just feel emotionally void and completely unable to cope, or deal, or prevent, or just anything.
I can see the whole self destruct pattern starting again, and to be honest, I'm scared. I feel like the easy answer just might be at the bottom of several glasses of alcohol, or at the end of a line of coke, or at the end of some pills.
I'm completely non-plussed as to a way out which actually results in any form of happiness. And I'm using all I can to fight the self destruct from auto-pilot.
I just feel like whatever the outcome with FT, nothing is now going to ever change for the better with the family thing, so I lose whatever. I hate feeling like that, because it prevents my any resolve in dealing with how best to handle the FT thing, whether it be for a relationship further down the line, or even a friendship. And I hate that, because I know it's destroying everything, yet I'm so powerless to do anything, I just seemingly sit back and watch it all crumble before my eyes. It's just a mess!
But again, thank you for the wonderful comment and advice. It has really hit home, at a time when I needed it.
Post a Comment