Lessons Learned

OK, well it seems as though I only post in here when I reach hurdles or turning points in my life. I guess maybe that's what I'm still doing here. Why I haven't come to delete this blog yet... mind you, I think I like my electic chair!

I guess recent events have brought me here, when to be honest, I've not been back here since my last post in October. I'm good at things like that when I get caught up in something. Speaking of which, I have just re-read my last post. Oh how things change. Oh how all of that now is a complete pile of poo. I guess the difference now is I'm not angry or bitter... for once I have come to understand how it was a natural general progression of things.

The story goes like this:
OK, so I learned that is possible to feel more than one thing for more than one person. Admittedly maybe all at the same time, because just because I had fallen for and was in love with Sarah, it never changed the feelings I had for FT. It was just different, and acceptable because things change and things move on, and in order to survive you have to live with that and move on. I'd love to say 'in my young life', but I'm 27 this year (FUCK... really?! How'd that happen??) I know the ins and outs of everything. But that's not true, and I don't think I ever will... that's impossible, not just for me, but for anyone (yes, the scientist in me does still rear its head). Truth is, I've only just learned that it is possible to fall out of love with someone. That happened with Sarah. For many, many reasons. Too many to go into in depth, so I'll just hilight a few to remind myself when I revisit here perhaps in a few months time.

She was completely nuts. She had a relatively low self esteem, but then I battle with my own every day, so I tried my upmost to be supportive and get around that. It worked for a bit, but not entirely. So maybe it taught me what infuriated FT about me. But then I was never as bad as that... I'm sure. Nothing I ever did was enough. But it wasn't a sweet sensitive low self esteem, she'd get rightly pissed off if I even tried to convince her she was a good person. How do you even deal with that?
Then there was that nothing I ever done was good enough. And as many of my friends could testify, when I am with someone, I will go completely out of my way to make them happy. To be with them and give them anything they want. With Sarah it was never good enough. It was never good enough that I'd get up at 7am on my days off to come and see her (getting down for 9am was never early enough - like I can help rush hour traffic in London). And staying until 11:30pm was never good enough, because if I went out for an evening of drinks with my friends, I always stayed later. So that was never good enough. Not to mention I always had work the next day after coming to see her, and was up at 5:45am. After 6 months I was completely running on empty. It got to the stage I dreaded my phone going. The conversation would always be 'hey baby, how are you? you alright?' to which she would always reply 'no, not really'. Every fucking time! By the end I was ignoring her calls from time to time, because I was just too tired to deal with her either having a go at me, or making no conversation and having a go at me for not saying anything... when it was her that rang me, so presumably she had something she wanted to talk about!!
I'm not saying we didn't have good times, because that would be a complete lie. But when you get to the point when the bad times and the avoidance out weigh the good times, or they occur directly after something good to overshadow it, then it's time to call it a day.
In all honesty, I consider myself to be relatively easy to get on with. I mean, yes there are certain people I don't get on with, but I'm not the argumentative sort. I have never known someone who can push my buttons and bate me into an argument over and over again, over nothing in particular.
She thought it was perfectly acceptable to be receiving text messages and naked photos from other women, apparently completely unprovoked, but apparently it 'means nothing'. Something which I never believed. And something I'm not going to stand for, particularly when I'm getting all the grief.
I can't live like that.
I fell out of love with her. But in respect for everything we shared, and all the good times, I didn't hate her, and I still cared about her. So she tells me she found a breast lump. Of course I'm concerned, but I'm not going to be her gf out of pity - it wouldn't do either of us any favours. And I myself have dealt with breast cancer as my mum had it when I was in my late teens. So I know the procedures and how it is dealt with. To cut a long story short, she sends me a range of messages telling me she's going to have a biopsy and they're taking her into hospital for the day... yet she was on MSN that day. I didn't believe her, but I had no proof, so didn't question her, and afterall, we were over, so there was no real consequence to me. Then she texts me in the evening telling me she was just back from hospital all battered and bruised. I mentioned that I had seen her on MSN earlier that day. A comment which she completely ignored and slagged me off for not caring about the fact that she had just had a lump and lymph nodes removed.
Something which I know from personal experience that wouldn't have happened all in one day, for one reason being lymph node removal requires drainage tubes in place for a week or so, just like my mum did. She didn't reply, and that was the last I heard from her.
Until this weekend.

I don't know what upset me or pissed me off actually. She sent me a message slagging me off for hurting her when all she ever done was love me apparently. I then happened to notice that she had pictures of both of us posted on the internet, and was completly slagging me off. Telling the world I am a complete drama queen, and beware because I'm horrible and a liar and dishonest and just basically saying anyone who has anything to do with me needs their head examined.
If it had been written in a psycho rant, then I'd have paid no attention, but it was written in the context of a serious warning message with a whole host of lies.
I responded (and if you think so please don't say 'what were you doing... stupid, I already know!). I simply calmly asked her to remove the pictures, and said that inspite of everything that had happened, I would never slag her off publicly, and would appreciate it if she didn't do the same to me.
So then ensued a whole host of tit-for-tat (Luce, you're a complete fool!) messages her slagging me off more, and me pointing out that she was a liar for some of the things she said and did.
The upshot is I've actually been quite hurt by some of the things she has said. I've spent 2 years trying to get my life back on track, and to get a handle on my self esteem issues, which I feel a bit like she's been picking at the seams of undoing all the progress.
She can call me all the names under the sun, and say what the hell she likes about me. Funny that, I have no problem with her telling me that I make her sick and all sorts. But she said some really hurtful stuff, about how things ended with FT, and some stuff I've had go through my head time in time out. Yes, OK, so I spent so long on my own because I did think and to some extent, still do, that I'm a fat fucker, who is completely unattractive. I don't think I come anywhere near close to being attractive enough to pulling a gorgeous attractive femme lesbian who can handle my sarcastic sense of humour and who actually finds me drop dead gorgeous to the point of wanting me anywhere and everywhere. I don't need her reitterating that. And also throwing in my face that FT only stuck around because she couldn't see me and was deluded into thinking I was something sexy and special, and even she came to her senses. And while I never even see FT's blindness as an issue, yeah, I did think I'd never find anyone who can actually see me that finds me drop dead gorgeous. I'm insecure with low self esteem, I've thought all sorts. I know that's not why FT and I are no more. Truth is, it's partly to do with this insecure monster Sarah's feeding that is the reason for why I'm still single.
Truth is, confidence breeds sexiness. That is fact. And the problem I'm having today and have been for a couple of days now, is that I've lost my confidence. I don't feel like I'm attractive now in any way. I see anyone and everyone as competition, and I fail dismally. I'm trying to stop it falling into a self fulfilling prophecy. Lord knows its hard enough to find a good woman in the lesbian community anyway, without this on top!