Why is it that when you have a good few days off work... something happens to ruin it?
I have a 4 day weekend... can you believe it? It's never been known. 4 days where I can do what I want... nothing planned particularly, so the world is my oyster.
Oh that's right... I got no sleep last night and woke up this morning with a stinking cold! Now I've not suffered with a cold or flu at all this year... not even through the winter. Even when everyone around me has been pretty sick, I've been A OK. But just when I get a 4 day weekend... and was way looking forward to it, catching up to people important to me who I've neglected for a bit... I feel like complete crap!
Would you believe I've spent the day tucked up in my bed watching the DVD box set of Criminal Minds series 2! Not that there's anything wrong with that... I guess I just felt a bit peeved that I could have done with a loved one brining me soup and cuddles to make me feel better! But no such luck!
Ah well... I guess I'll survive!
Speaking of which... I'm seriously considering now might be the right sort of time to get my next tattoo done. I'm having the word "Survivor" tattooed on my left ankle in chinese symbols. I had a friend of mine have it translated for me when she was in China, so it's a series of three symbols. I don't want anything big or opressive... just something with a bit of meaning, and I decided on that after I've been through all my low points in the past and of late, and I'm still here to tell the tale! I figured now is the time, as it will be all settled and looking good for the summer, with a pair of flip flops on... I can't wait! All I need is the cash to do it!
I've also come to the conclusion I need to get away, have a break and a holiday. I feel like to some extent, I've had the piss taken out of me a bit... and I don't want to have to be someone I'm not to stop that from happening. The difference with me now, is I realise when I deserve or need better, and I'm not frightened to take a stand to get it now. The difficulty is not upsetting people un-necessarily in the process.
I have friends all over the country I should take the time to go and visit... when it is convenient with them too of course. Takes me a while, but I do work out what I need eventually in the long run!
Anyhow, unintentionally, I'm cutting this post short, purely because I feel like shit and like my sinuses are about to erupt... so I guess the conclusion is:
To Be Continued...
Friday, 27 March 2009
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Where To Look... Which Way To Turn?
I sometimes wonder if Forest Gump was right... is life really like a box of chocolates? I think he had a point. Not just in the fact that you never know which one you're going to get, but also in that sometimes, and at some point, only the shit ones are left, and you kinda have to deal with them!
I think for the minute, I'm in my 'strawberry cream' mode... and I hate strawberry creams!
This is kind of a crap week for me. This weekend especially. I'm seeing parts of myself I wished and hoped I'd lost. I think I need a good cry, but that shows weakness, and I don't want to be weak. Not on my own.
I have, however, isolated why I'm feeling like this. Now just the hard part is having to deal with it. Or to find a way to. My reasons for feeling like this are:
I think for the minute, I'm in my 'strawberry cream' mode... and I hate strawberry creams!
This is kind of a crap week for me. This weekend especially. I'm seeing parts of myself I wished and hoped I'd lost. I think I need a good cry, but that shows weakness, and I don't want to be weak. Not on my own.
I have, however, isolated why I'm feeling like this. Now just the hard part is having to deal with it. Or to find a way to. My reasons for feeling like this are:
- I had an email slanging match with Sarah, and stupidly on my part, got very hurt and upset by some of the things she said, but not only that entered into a bit of the self doubt the old Lucy mastered so perfectly. Not where I want to be.
- I don't like still living at home. But at the moment, I'm so stupidly, ridiculously broke, there really is little I can do about it.
- I had a little moment this weekend, where something, reminded me of Sarah, and I thought about the good times, minus the lies and the grief, and I really missed her and how she made me feel. Then I got upset and angry that things had to go the way they did.
- I hate change and I don't cope with it. Yet things at work are changing... some of the people I like and work closely with, GT included, have or are leaving... and I'm not coping too well.
- I pissed off being single. And to be fair, I just don't see a way out of it. I can't shake the feeling that it doesn't matter what I do, or how much I give, I'm just not what the lovely ladies out there want.
I think as well, at the minute, particularly today, Mother's Day, I'm missing my Nan. And I still feel as though I haven't grieved properly. And I'm not sure I will. I feel like I need to completely break down and cry in someone's arms, and to be held and told it's OK. But there's no one in my life to do that. No one I trust enough to be that vunerable with. I feel like I'm in a bit of a nomadic state.
I'm sure it won't last long, and it won't last forever. Just right now, I'm in a bit of a struggle to deal with it. Where did it all go wrong?!
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Lessons Learned
OK, well it seems as though I only post in here when I reach hurdles or turning points in my life. I guess maybe that's what I'm still doing here. Why I haven't come to delete this blog yet... mind you, I think I like my electic chair!
I guess recent events have brought me here, when to be honest, I've not been back here since my last post in October. I'm good at things like that when I get caught up in something. Speaking of which, I have just re-read my last post. Oh how things change. Oh how all of that now is a complete pile of poo. I guess the difference now is I'm not angry or bitter... for once I have come to understand how it was a natural general progression of things.
The story goes like this:
OK, so I learned that is possible to feel more than one thing for more than one person. Admittedly maybe all at the same time, because just because I had fallen for and was in love with Sarah, it never changed the feelings I had for FT. It was just different, and acceptable because things change and things move on, and in order to survive you have to live with that and move on. I'd love to say 'in my young life', but I'm 27 this year (FUCK... really?! How'd that happen??) I know the ins and outs of everything. But that's not true, and I don't think I ever will... that's impossible, not just for me, but for anyone (yes, the scientist in me does still rear its head). Truth is, I've only just learned that it is possible to fall out of love with someone. That happened with Sarah. For many, many reasons. Too many to go into in depth, so I'll just hilight a few to remind myself when I revisit here perhaps in a few months time.
She was completely nuts. She had a relatively low self esteem, but then I battle with my own every day, so I tried my upmost to be supportive and get around that. It worked for a bit, but not entirely. So maybe it taught me what infuriated FT about me. But then I was never as bad as that... I'm sure. Nothing I ever did was enough. But it wasn't a sweet sensitive low self esteem, she'd get rightly pissed off if I even tried to convince her she was a good person. How do you even deal with that?
Then there was that nothing I ever done was good enough. And as many of my friends could testify, when I am with someone, I will go completely out of my way to make them happy. To be with them and give them anything they want. With Sarah it was never good enough. It was never good enough that I'd get up at 7am on my days off to come and see her (getting down for 9am was never early enough - like I can help rush hour traffic in London). And staying until 11:30pm was never good enough, because if I went out for an evening of drinks with my friends, I always stayed later. So that was never good enough. Not to mention I always had work the next day after coming to see her, and was up at 5:45am. After 6 months I was completely running on empty. It got to the stage I dreaded my phone going. The conversation would always be 'hey baby, how are you? you alright?' to which she would always reply 'no, not really'. Every fucking time! By the end I was ignoring her calls from time to time, because I was just too tired to deal with her either having a go at me, or making no conversation and having a go at me for not saying anything... when it was her that rang me, so presumably she had something she wanted to talk about!!
I'm not saying we didn't have good times, because that would be a complete lie. But when you get to the point when the bad times and the avoidance out weigh the good times, or they occur directly after something good to overshadow it, then it's time to call it a day.
In all honesty, I consider myself to be relatively easy to get on with. I mean, yes there are certain people I don't get on with, but I'm not the argumentative sort. I have never known someone who can push my buttons and bate me into an argument over and over again, over nothing in particular.
She thought it was perfectly acceptable to be receiving text messages and naked photos from other women, apparently completely unprovoked, but apparently it 'means nothing'. Something which I never believed. And something I'm not going to stand for, particularly when I'm getting all the grief.
I can't live like that.
I fell out of love with her. But in respect for everything we shared, and all the good times, I didn't hate her, and I still cared about her. So she tells me she found a breast lump. Of course I'm concerned, but I'm not going to be her gf out of pity - it wouldn't do either of us any favours. And I myself have dealt with breast cancer as my mum had it when I was in my late teens. So I know the procedures and how it is dealt with. To cut a long story short, she sends me a range of messages telling me she's going to have a biopsy and they're taking her into hospital for the day... yet she was on MSN that day. I didn't believe her, but I had no proof, so didn't question her, and afterall, we were over, so there was no real consequence to me. Then she texts me in the evening telling me she was just back from hospital all battered and bruised. I mentioned that I had seen her on MSN earlier that day. A comment which she completely ignored and slagged me off for not caring about the fact that she had just had a lump and lymph nodes removed.
Something which I know from personal experience that wouldn't have happened all in one day, for one reason being lymph node removal requires drainage tubes in place for a week or so, just like my mum did. She didn't reply, and that was the last I heard from her.
Until this weekend.
I don't know what upset me or pissed me off actually. She sent me a message slagging me off for hurting her when all she ever done was love me apparently. I then happened to notice that she had pictures of both of us posted on the internet, and was completly slagging me off. Telling the world I am a complete drama queen, and beware because I'm horrible and a liar and dishonest and just basically saying anyone who has anything to do with me needs their head examined.
If it had been written in a psycho rant, then I'd have paid no attention, but it was written in the context of a serious warning message with a whole host of lies.
I responded (and if you think so please don't say 'what were you doing... stupid, I already know!). I simply calmly asked her to remove the pictures, and said that inspite of everything that had happened, I would never slag her off publicly, and would appreciate it if she didn't do the same to me.
So then ensued a whole host of tit-for-tat (Luce, you're a complete fool!) messages her slagging me off more, and me pointing out that she was a liar for some of the things she said and did.
The upshot is I've actually been quite hurt by some of the things she has said. I've spent 2 years trying to get my life back on track, and to get a handle on my self esteem issues, which I feel a bit like she's been picking at the seams of undoing all the progress.
She can call me all the names under the sun, and say what the hell she likes about me. Funny that, I have no problem with her telling me that I make her sick and all sorts. But she said some really hurtful stuff, about how things ended with FT, and some stuff I've had go through my head time in time out. Yes, OK, so I spent so long on my own because I did think and to some extent, still do, that I'm a fat fucker, who is completely unattractive. I don't think I come anywhere near close to being attractive enough to pulling a gorgeous attractive femme lesbian who can handle my sarcastic sense of humour and who actually finds me drop dead gorgeous to the point of wanting me anywhere and everywhere. I don't need her reitterating that. And also throwing in my face that FT only stuck around because she couldn't see me and was deluded into thinking I was something sexy and special, and even she came to her senses. And while I never even see FT's blindness as an issue, yeah, I did think I'd never find anyone who can actually see me that finds me drop dead gorgeous. I'm insecure with low self esteem, I've thought all sorts. I know that's not why FT and I are no more. Truth is, it's partly to do with this insecure monster Sarah's feeding that is the reason for why I'm still single.
Truth is, confidence breeds sexiness. That is fact. And the problem I'm having today and have been for a couple of days now, is that I've lost my confidence. I don't feel like I'm attractive now in any way. I see anyone and everyone as competition, and I fail dismally. I'm trying to stop it falling into a self fulfilling prophecy. Lord knows its hard enough to find a good woman in the lesbian community anyway, without this on top!
I guess recent events have brought me here, when to be honest, I've not been back here since my last post in October. I'm good at things like that when I get caught up in something. Speaking of which, I have just re-read my last post. Oh how things change. Oh how all of that now is a complete pile of poo. I guess the difference now is I'm not angry or bitter... for once I have come to understand how it was a natural general progression of things.
The story goes like this:
OK, so I learned that is possible to feel more than one thing for more than one person. Admittedly maybe all at the same time, because just because I had fallen for and was in love with Sarah, it never changed the feelings I had for FT. It was just different, and acceptable because things change and things move on, and in order to survive you have to live with that and move on. I'd love to say 'in my young life', but I'm 27 this year (FUCK... really?! How'd that happen??) I know the ins and outs of everything. But that's not true, and I don't think I ever will... that's impossible, not just for me, but for anyone (yes, the scientist in me does still rear its head). Truth is, I've only just learned that it is possible to fall out of love with someone. That happened with Sarah. For many, many reasons. Too many to go into in depth, so I'll just hilight a few to remind myself when I revisit here perhaps in a few months time.
She was completely nuts. She had a relatively low self esteem, but then I battle with my own every day, so I tried my upmost to be supportive and get around that. It worked for a bit, but not entirely. So maybe it taught me what infuriated FT about me. But then I was never as bad as that... I'm sure. Nothing I ever did was enough. But it wasn't a sweet sensitive low self esteem, she'd get rightly pissed off if I even tried to convince her she was a good person. How do you even deal with that?
Then there was that nothing I ever done was good enough. And as many of my friends could testify, when I am with someone, I will go completely out of my way to make them happy. To be with them and give them anything they want. With Sarah it was never good enough. It was never good enough that I'd get up at 7am on my days off to come and see her (getting down for 9am was never early enough - like I can help rush hour traffic in London). And staying until 11:30pm was never good enough, because if I went out for an evening of drinks with my friends, I always stayed later. So that was never good enough. Not to mention I always had work the next day after coming to see her, and was up at 5:45am. After 6 months I was completely running on empty. It got to the stage I dreaded my phone going. The conversation would always be 'hey baby, how are you? you alright?' to which she would always reply 'no, not really'. Every fucking time! By the end I was ignoring her calls from time to time, because I was just too tired to deal with her either having a go at me, or making no conversation and having a go at me for not saying anything... when it was her that rang me, so presumably she had something she wanted to talk about!!
I'm not saying we didn't have good times, because that would be a complete lie. But when you get to the point when the bad times and the avoidance out weigh the good times, or they occur directly after something good to overshadow it, then it's time to call it a day.
In all honesty, I consider myself to be relatively easy to get on with. I mean, yes there are certain people I don't get on with, but I'm not the argumentative sort. I have never known someone who can push my buttons and bate me into an argument over and over again, over nothing in particular.
She thought it was perfectly acceptable to be receiving text messages and naked photos from other women, apparently completely unprovoked, but apparently it 'means nothing'. Something which I never believed. And something I'm not going to stand for, particularly when I'm getting all the grief.
I can't live like that.
I fell out of love with her. But in respect for everything we shared, and all the good times, I didn't hate her, and I still cared about her. So she tells me she found a breast lump. Of course I'm concerned, but I'm not going to be her gf out of pity - it wouldn't do either of us any favours. And I myself have dealt with breast cancer as my mum had it when I was in my late teens. So I know the procedures and how it is dealt with. To cut a long story short, she sends me a range of messages telling me she's going to have a biopsy and they're taking her into hospital for the day... yet she was on MSN that day. I didn't believe her, but I had no proof, so didn't question her, and afterall, we were over, so there was no real consequence to me. Then she texts me in the evening telling me she was just back from hospital all battered and bruised. I mentioned that I had seen her on MSN earlier that day. A comment which she completely ignored and slagged me off for not caring about the fact that she had just had a lump and lymph nodes removed.
Something which I know from personal experience that wouldn't have happened all in one day, for one reason being lymph node removal requires drainage tubes in place for a week or so, just like my mum did. She didn't reply, and that was the last I heard from her.
Until this weekend.
I don't know what upset me or pissed me off actually. She sent me a message slagging me off for hurting her when all she ever done was love me apparently. I then happened to notice that she had pictures of both of us posted on the internet, and was completly slagging me off. Telling the world I am a complete drama queen, and beware because I'm horrible and a liar and dishonest and just basically saying anyone who has anything to do with me needs their head examined.
If it had been written in a psycho rant, then I'd have paid no attention, but it was written in the context of a serious warning message with a whole host of lies.
I responded (and if you think so please don't say 'what were you doing... stupid, I already know!). I simply calmly asked her to remove the pictures, and said that inspite of everything that had happened, I would never slag her off publicly, and would appreciate it if she didn't do the same to me.
So then ensued a whole host of tit-for-tat (Luce, you're a complete fool!) messages her slagging me off more, and me pointing out that she was a liar for some of the things she said and did.
The upshot is I've actually been quite hurt by some of the things she has said. I've spent 2 years trying to get my life back on track, and to get a handle on my self esteem issues, which I feel a bit like she's been picking at the seams of undoing all the progress.
She can call me all the names under the sun, and say what the hell she likes about me. Funny that, I have no problem with her telling me that I make her sick and all sorts. But she said some really hurtful stuff, about how things ended with FT, and some stuff I've had go through my head time in time out. Yes, OK, so I spent so long on my own because I did think and to some extent, still do, that I'm a fat fucker, who is completely unattractive. I don't think I come anywhere near close to being attractive enough to pulling a gorgeous attractive femme lesbian who can handle my sarcastic sense of humour and who actually finds me drop dead gorgeous to the point of wanting me anywhere and everywhere. I don't need her reitterating that. And also throwing in my face that FT only stuck around because she couldn't see me and was deluded into thinking I was something sexy and special, and even she came to her senses. And while I never even see FT's blindness as an issue, yeah, I did think I'd never find anyone who can actually see me that finds me drop dead gorgeous. I'm insecure with low self esteem, I've thought all sorts. I know that's not why FT and I are no more. Truth is, it's partly to do with this insecure monster Sarah's feeding that is the reason for why I'm still single.
Truth is, confidence breeds sexiness. That is fact. And the problem I'm having today and have been for a couple of days now, is that I've lost my confidence. I don't feel like I'm attractive now in any way. I see anyone and everyone as competition, and I fail dismally. I'm trying to stop it falling into a self fulfilling prophecy. Lord knows its hard enough to find a good woman in the lesbian community anyway, without this on top!
Thursday, 2 October 2008
If you love me...
Come hell or high water, sometimes, somehow I hardly seem to find the time to update my blog these days.
Maybe again this is another revelation from my last post. Somehow the 'next step forward' in the story of my life. I guess that's why I'm here posting.
I feel so much better about things, and myself, and my life compared to where I was at a year ago. Even to where I was at 6 months ago... it feels like I'm breathing again. I can't explain it.
So the reason for the title of this post? Many I suppose. Firstly I guess I was reacquainted with the Brownstone track of the same name from the 90s and haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since. I guess more than that though... its probably the story of me, and relationships and my moving forward.
I've met THE most incredible lady. And it scares me to death.
I said for so long after FT and I broke up that I would never be able to feel like that about anyone ever again. And I guess in a way, I was right. But at the time, I never thought it would ever be possible to feel more than that. Her name is Sarah, and I am absolutely bessotted. I feel like the 'hopeless romantic' has been revived and rejuvenated, more in force than ever, like a jedi that has regained theie powers.
She walked into my life at a time when I wasn't looking, and I was for once, completely focused on me. She's amazing. I mean, I tend to fall into the traps of focusing solely on my partner and our relationship rather than giving any credulance to myself. It's not like that with her. I've never ever before felt like someone gives a genuine stuff about me like she does. It's so different to anything I've ever experienced before. I'm not saying that people before haven't cared about me or put me first, but not like Sarah does. She's got the similar approach to relationships as I have, and complete devotion to the other person. It's just so weird because I've never just felt like this before. I can't explain it. I can't put it into words. It's just so amazing.
No one has ever made me feel like this... it's so amazing, yet so scary all at the same time. I'm petrified because I've fallen head over heels for her. Moreso than I ever have before. Maybe that's because I know me and who I am and what I want and have to offer now more than I ever have before, and maybe because she's just so perfect, and we just 'get' each other and are completely on the same wavelength and hours we spend together feel like seconds literally. It's so bizarre.
All I know is that inspite of what I ever felt or thought before, my heart feels full and complete with her. And I know without a doubt that she's the one for me... I just hope to god she feels the same, and we fight the world together. She has me... I'm going nowhere!
I am completely scared though. Besides FT, I've never been intimate or slept with anyone ever. I mean, I've not even looked at anyone and felt remotely sexually attracted to them in any way. Sarah completely changed that. I don't think I've ever been so attracted to, or wanted someone so much in my whole life... but I'm so nervous. This is all so new to me. And new to her too. I thought that part of me was lost forever. I thought I'd never be turned on in that way again. It's so scary... it brings a completely new dimension to things when you are so completely into someone and want them so badly, both in the intimate way and the relationship sense. I'm petrified of things not being perfect or stuffing it up or doing something wrong.
This is all so new to me... bricking it isn't the word!
She's the light of my life, the air in my lungs, and the beating of my heart. She's the last thing I think of before sleep at night, and the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning. She makes me smile, and believe, and hope and trust... all the things I thought were lost. And she can't see how special she is to me. I love her. With all that I have and all that I am... I love her...
Maybe again this is another revelation from my last post. Somehow the 'next step forward' in the story of my life. I guess that's why I'm here posting.
I feel so much better about things, and myself, and my life compared to where I was at a year ago. Even to where I was at 6 months ago... it feels like I'm breathing again. I can't explain it.
So the reason for the title of this post? Many I suppose. Firstly I guess I was reacquainted with the Brownstone track of the same name from the 90s and haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since. I guess more than that though... its probably the story of me, and relationships and my moving forward.
I've met THE most incredible lady. And it scares me to death.
I said for so long after FT and I broke up that I would never be able to feel like that about anyone ever again. And I guess in a way, I was right. But at the time, I never thought it would ever be possible to feel more than that. Her name is Sarah, and I am absolutely bessotted. I feel like the 'hopeless romantic' has been revived and rejuvenated, more in force than ever, like a jedi that has regained theie powers.
She walked into my life at a time when I wasn't looking, and I was for once, completely focused on me. She's amazing. I mean, I tend to fall into the traps of focusing solely on my partner and our relationship rather than giving any credulance to myself. It's not like that with her. I've never ever before felt like someone gives a genuine stuff about me like she does. It's so different to anything I've ever experienced before. I'm not saying that people before haven't cared about me or put me first, but not like Sarah does. She's got the similar approach to relationships as I have, and complete devotion to the other person. It's just so weird because I've never just felt like this before. I can't explain it. I can't put it into words. It's just so amazing.
No one has ever made me feel like this... it's so amazing, yet so scary all at the same time. I'm petrified because I've fallen head over heels for her. Moreso than I ever have before. Maybe that's because I know me and who I am and what I want and have to offer now more than I ever have before, and maybe because she's just so perfect, and we just 'get' each other and are completely on the same wavelength and hours we spend together feel like seconds literally. It's so bizarre.
All I know is that inspite of what I ever felt or thought before, my heart feels full and complete with her. And I know without a doubt that she's the one for me... I just hope to god she feels the same, and we fight the world together. She has me... I'm going nowhere!
I am completely scared though. Besides FT, I've never been intimate or slept with anyone ever. I mean, I've not even looked at anyone and felt remotely sexually attracted to them in any way. Sarah completely changed that. I don't think I've ever been so attracted to, or wanted someone so much in my whole life... but I'm so nervous. This is all so new to me. And new to her too. I thought that part of me was lost forever. I thought I'd never be turned on in that way again. It's so scary... it brings a completely new dimension to things when you are so completely into someone and want them so badly, both in the intimate way and the relationship sense. I'm petrified of things not being perfect or stuffing it up or doing something wrong.
This is all so new to me... bricking it isn't the word!
She's the light of my life, the air in my lungs, and the beating of my heart. She's the last thing I think of before sleep at night, and the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning. She makes me smile, and believe, and hope and trust... all the things I thought were lost. And she can't see how special she is to me. I love her. With all that I have and all that I am... I love her...
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Who Am I? Where Have I Been? What Happens Now?
I guess the main aim of this is to answer all of the above.
I've not posted in well over a year. There have been many reasons for this. It's very safe to say the 'me' from a year ago, is in no way the 'me' that sits here writing this post now.
The openness and honesty remains the same. The strength of character and outlook on myself and life is very different.
12 months ago, the fundamental thing that drove me on through difficult times in my life, were my friends and family, and maybe still the one woman in the world I loved, even if she no longer felt the same back. Now, things are remarkably different. In many ways, so long and so much has passed, that I can't even cover it all in a blog post.
It started in December 2007. Until then, I felt like I had a handle on things. My world was still turned upside down, but I felt like the people who loved me, and cared about me were at least there in some part. It was last December that all changed.
In the year that passed before December 2007, when FT decided she no longer wanted to be with me, I had put so much focus into not losing the most amazing person in my life. I fought tooth and nail, through the heartache and pain to make sure my best friend stayed part of my life, even if every second of it my heart was writhing in pain that she was no longer my girlfriend.
In December 2007 that all came to an end. She decided that it was doing me no good with us trying to be friends, and that we shouldn't have any contact anymore, whether that be forever or for a very long time until I got myself sorted out.
In hindsight, maybe she was right. But at the time, my world collapsed completely. And I hit rock bottom more than I have ever been before in my life. It was worse than when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. At least then I felt like she still loved me, and still cared, and I still meant something to her. This was completely different. The one person in the world, who I had shared more of me with than I even knew about myself, had decided she no longer wanted me as part of her life.
I didn't know how to cope. The thing about living in London, is that it can be an incredibly lonely place. And all of my friends are so far away. I've never felt so alone.
The only thing I had left was my family. But little did I know or appreciate that at the time, but that was to change forever as well.
The day after FT decided she wanted nothing to do with me, my cousin Chesney decided he no longer wanted to be part of our family and that he no longer wanted to live with us anymore. He turned violent towards myself and my parents, and ran away into police custody. So I felt like I'd lost my best friend and my little brother... and I had no one to talk to about it. I felt like I was heading deeper into rock bottom.
And what's more, my grandmother also disowned us because in her twisted mind she believed we had turned our back on Chesney. So I also lost the whole side of my mum's family, purely because no one crosses my Nan, and she was acting like we didn't exist.
I lost my whole safety net and support network in the space of a week, and my parents had their own crap to deal with.
I cried more tears in the month of December than I think I'd ever cried in my life before. I didn't sleep, and I drank to numb the pain. And all I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me they cared, and that it'd be OK somewhere down the line.
And losing FT, I also lost our labrador Spoons, who from the day she came into our life, she was as much my baby as FT's baby. It felt like losing a child.
I think the only reason I'm sitting here now and not dead is that even with my own loneliness, grief and misery, I could see how much pain my parents were in with Chesney's actions, and I could not add to that by taking my own life. Even if I felt like there was nothing to live for, and that I just wanted the pain to stop.
The only thing I could think to do, was give myself something to live for. Someone to think about other than myself, and someone else to love and protect. So, after much discussion and persuasion, I decided it was time to make one of my dreams come true. And to do it for myself. So along came my chocolate labrador puppy. Something I've wanted since the age of 14. She gave me focus, and direction. And made me look after myself to give her everything she needed. I decided to call her Kia, from a beter part of my life, when I travelled New Zealand, so she is half named from the Kiwi greeting 'kia ora'.
My life started picking up from then on. I still missed FT, particularly as the single parenting of a chocolate lab made me realise how incredible and how much easier it would have been with FT, just like we'd always said we wanted. But to be fair, I had no time for that.
Kia's 9 months old now, and she's been in my life for 8 months. I know it sounds a bit of a cliche, but she really has kept me going and turned my life around. It makes me sad sometimes, that she'll never get to play with Spoons, as I know in my heart they'd love each other, but someone wise once told me, you have to accept the things you cannot change. So ultimately, there is no answer to that.
As for FT and the loss of my family, I think I've finally learnt some strength of character and survival, even if ot does sounds harsh to the rest of the world.
As for my family, I didn't ask for any of this, and they are the ones who have disowned me and act like I'm no part of their life. And one thing I've learnt for myself from all this, is that you can't keep putting yourself out there and holding out for people, because the more it hurts when they let you down again. My family values are not selective, they are fixed and firm, and they don't change. If you are loyal to someone, you deserve loyalty back. And I can't act or pretend I am or believe in something else, or even accept certain behaviour to keep the peace. So if you want to appologise and start again... you know where I am, I am no different, I have not changed, but as for going back... well I think we've lost that.
As for FT, I've been through too many emotions to call. Besides the obvious pain, there's been anger and disappointment more than anything. I guess the hardest to come to terms with was the feeling of being taken advantage of and used. After being there and helping her find somewhere to live in London, and to move, and to spend time with when there were no friends around, I guess maybe just coincidence, but it upset me more that she seemed to come to the conclusion that us being friends was no good for either of us after I had helped her relocate and move. And I guess at a time when everthing turned to shit and I needed her more than ever.
At least personally it forced me to draw a line, that says enough is enough, I loved you more than anyone in the world ever could, but to be honest, I deserve to be treated better than this.
I'm sure she sees it very differently, but I guess that's what hurt and pain does.
I guess now I've learnt that hurt and pain breeds contempt and anger, and bitterness. And I'm so over that now.
I've moved on.
I didn't think I had. I guess I owe more than I can say to GT. He made me realise who I am, and made me realise I deserve better. Much better in my life all around. And to be honest, bless him, he doesn't have a bloody clue what he's done.
I work with GT and loads of other amazing people. But I've been very careful about my grief and who I open up to and when. We're quite a big team, and when I first started there, it was all in little groups. Now we're a big unit, a proper team, and we care about each other.
My big realisation came when I was working the night of GT's birthday drinks, which just so happened to be a couple of day's after FT's birthday, and just after my car accident and a really crappy time for me. Now GT can be a sarcastic blunt little sod, but bless him, he can be really sweet. He took me to one side and said something to me that no one had ever said before, and considering at that point I had a heart of ice, he comepletely melted me. He said:
We need to take you out and find you a woman, because you're an amazing person and you make people happy, and you need a nice woman, because you deserve to be happy.
And it was that one centence. That one conversation that made me realise exactly who I was, and what defined me, and that he was in fact completely right. For all the people that have come before, and gone for whatever their reason, it is their loss. I cannot change that. But I do deserve better, and I do deserve to be happy. I guess he made me realise that I needed to believe it was OK for me to want to be happy.
I've had a lot of ups and downs over this past year. And even more emotions. I've lost direction, found it again, and more besides, and well, belonging and confidence are building in abundance.
I've been through stages where I have thought it would just be so much easier if I was straight, but to be honest, with the best will in the world, I could never be with a man. There is no confusion or resolve there. I am gay, I accepted that a long time ago, and although that brings problems of its own for me, I will face them head on, and I will be smiling in the long run.
I hate that I fall into this awkward category of neither butch nor femme. I mean, I can do both, but neither really butch butch, nor neither femme femme. But it kinda makes me an anomalie in terms of being sought after by another lady. I guess just something I need to iron out!
The pros are, I can now talk about the past without my heart being ripped out of my backside. And I know I can never go back to how things were. But I don't want to... I want something better. And well, I don't feel like it's my loss anymore. With confidence comes arrogance!
My good friend Dr T is now talking to me as her agony aunt, and I was told on Friday I was really good at relationship advice... Her bf is really nice, and they make a good couple, if I can give her any pointers on how not to fuck it up like I did, then I'm gonna... seems to be working so far.
And as for me... well, let's just say GT and the ladies at work (DB, JV & RC) are taking it upon themselves to find me a lady... whether I'm looking or not! Am I scared... hell yes! JV is as mad as a fish, so she won't rest until she succeeds... but it's nice once to feel like I belong, and I'm so greatful to the guys at work for picking me up without even realising, to the three guys who have stood by me through it all... Doofus, Dr T & Lou.
Thank you is an understatement, but I love you guys!
And my baby Kia... I sound like a soppy fool, but she really is a tonic to me more than you could ever imagine a dog being. I'm so proud of her, and I'm doing my damndest to bring her up just like Spoonsie, and into the wonderful labro I know she has the potential to be!
For once, I'm happy, and consider myself lucky for all and everyone that I have.
It's not so bad to be me afterall!
I've not posted in well over a year. There have been many reasons for this. It's very safe to say the 'me' from a year ago, is in no way the 'me' that sits here writing this post now.
The openness and honesty remains the same. The strength of character and outlook on myself and life is very different.
12 months ago, the fundamental thing that drove me on through difficult times in my life, were my friends and family, and maybe still the one woman in the world I loved, even if she no longer felt the same back. Now, things are remarkably different. In many ways, so long and so much has passed, that I can't even cover it all in a blog post.
It started in December 2007. Until then, I felt like I had a handle on things. My world was still turned upside down, but I felt like the people who loved me, and cared about me were at least there in some part. It was last December that all changed.
In the year that passed before December 2007, when FT decided she no longer wanted to be with me, I had put so much focus into not losing the most amazing person in my life. I fought tooth and nail, through the heartache and pain to make sure my best friend stayed part of my life, even if every second of it my heart was writhing in pain that she was no longer my girlfriend.
In December 2007 that all came to an end. She decided that it was doing me no good with us trying to be friends, and that we shouldn't have any contact anymore, whether that be forever or for a very long time until I got myself sorted out.
In hindsight, maybe she was right. But at the time, my world collapsed completely. And I hit rock bottom more than I have ever been before in my life. It was worse than when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. At least then I felt like she still loved me, and still cared, and I still meant something to her. This was completely different. The one person in the world, who I had shared more of me with than I even knew about myself, had decided she no longer wanted me as part of her life.
I didn't know how to cope. The thing about living in London, is that it can be an incredibly lonely place. And all of my friends are so far away. I've never felt so alone.
The only thing I had left was my family. But little did I know or appreciate that at the time, but that was to change forever as well.
The day after FT decided she wanted nothing to do with me, my cousin Chesney decided he no longer wanted to be part of our family and that he no longer wanted to live with us anymore. He turned violent towards myself and my parents, and ran away into police custody. So I felt like I'd lost my best friend and my little brother... and I had no one to talk to about it. I felt like I was heading deeper into rock bottom.
And what's more, my grandmother also disowned us because in her twisted mind she believed we had turned our back on Chesney. So I also lost the whole side of my mum's family, purely because no one crosses my Nan, and she was acting like we didn't exist.
I lost my whole safety net and support network in the space of a week, and my parents had their own crap to deal with.
I cried more tears in the month of December than I think I'd ever cried in my life before. I didn't sleep, and I drank to numb the pain. And all I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me they cared, and that it'd be OK somewhere down the line.
And losing FT, I also lost our labrador Spoons, who from the day she came into our life, she was as much my baby as FT's baby. It felt like losing a child.
I think the only reason I'm sitting here now and not dead is that even with my own loneliness, grief and misery, I could see how much pain my parents were in with Chesney's actions, and I could not add to that by taking my own life. Even if I felt like there was nothing to live for, and that I just wanted the pain to stop.
The only thing I could think to do, was give myself something to live for. Someone to think about other than myself, and someone else to love and protect. So, after much discussion and persuasion, I decided it was time to make one of my dreams come true. And to do it for myself. So along came my chocolate labrador puppy. Something I've wanted since the age of 14. She gave me focus, and direction. And made me look after myself to give her everything she needed. I decided to call her Kia, from a beter part of my life, when I travelled New Zealand, so she is half named from the Kiwi greeting 'kia ora'.
My life started picking up from then on. I still missed FT, particularly as the single parenting of a chocolate lab made me realise how incredible and how much easier it would have been with FT, just like we'd always said we wanted. But to be fair, I had no time for that.
Kia's 9 months old now, and she's been in my life for 8 months. I know it sounds a bit of a cliche, but she really has kept me going and turned my life around. It makes me sad sometimes, that she'll never get to play with Spoons, as I know in my heart they'd love each other, but someone wise once told me, you have to accept the things you cannot change. So ultimately, there is no answer to that.
As for FT and the loss of my family, I think I've finally learnt some strength of character and survival, even if ot does sounds harsh to the rest of the world.
As for my family, I didn't ask for any of this, and they are the ones who have disowned me and act like I'm no part of their life. And one thing I've learnt for myself from all this, is that you can't keep putting yourself out there and holding out for people, because the more it hurts when they let you down again. My family values are not selective, they are fixed and firm, and they don't change. If you are loyal to someone, you deserve loyalty back. And I can't act or pretend I am or believe in something else, or even accept certain behaviour to keep the peace. So if you want to appologise and start again... you know where I am, I am no different, I have not changed, but as for going back... well I think we've lost that.
As for FT, I've been through too many emotions to call. Besides the obvious pain, there's been anger and disappointment more than anything. I guess the hardest to come to terms with was the feeling of being taken advantage of and used. After being there and helping her find somewhere to live in London, and to move, and to spend time with when there were no friends around, I guess maybe just coincidence, but it upset me more that she seemed to come to the conclusion that us being friends was no good for either of us after I had helped her relocate and move. And I guess at a time when everthing turned to shit and I needed her more than ever.
At least personally it forced me to draw a line, that says enough is enough, I loved you more than anyone in the world ever could, but to be honest, I deserve to be treated better than this.
I'm sure she sees it very differently, but I guess that's what hurt and pain does.
I guess now I've learnt that hurt and pain breeds contempt and anger, and bitterness. And I'm so over that now.
I've moved on.
I didn't think I had. I guess I owe more than I can say to GT. He made me realise who I am, and made me realise I deserve better. Much better in my life all around. And to be honest, bless him, he doesn't have a bloody clue what he's done.
I work with GT and loads of other amazing people. But I've been very careful about my grief and who I open up to and when. We're quite a big team, and when I first started there, it was all in little groups. Now we're a big unit, a proper team, and we care about each other.
My big realisation came when I was working the night of GT's birthday drinks, which just so happened to be a couple of day's after FT's birthday, and just after my car accident and a really crappy time for me. Now GT can be a sarcastic blunt little sod, but bless him, he can be really sweet. He took me to one side and said something to me that no one had ever said before, and considering at that point I had a heart of ice, he comepletely melted me. He said:
We need to take you out and find you a woman, because you're an amazing person and you make people happy, and you need a nice woman, because you deserve to be happy.
And it was that one centence. That one conversation that made me realise exactly who I was, and what defined me, and that he was in fact completely right. For all the people that have come before, and gone for whatever their reason, it is their loss. I cannot change that. But I do deserve better, and I do deserve to be happy. I guess he made me realise that I needed to believe it was OK for me to want to be happy.
I've had a lot of ups and downs over this past year. And even more emotions. I've lost direction, found it again, and more besides, and well, belonging and confidence are building in abundance.
I've been through stages where I have thought it would just be so much easier if I was straight, but to be honest, with the best will in the world, I could never be with a man. There is no confusion or resolve there. I am gay, I accepted that a long time ago, and although that brings problems of its own for me, I will face them head on, and I will be smiling in the long run.
I hate that I fall into this awkward category of neither butch nor femme. I mean, I can do both, but neither really butch butch, nor neither femme femme. But it kinda makes me an anomalie in terms of being sought after by another lady. I guess just something I need to iron out!
The pros are, I can now talk about the past without my heart being ripped out of my backside. And I know I can never go back to how things were. But I don't want to... I want something better. And well, I don't feel like it's my loss anymore. With confidence comes arrogance!
My good friend Dr T is now talking to me as her agony aunt, and I was told on Friday I was really good at relationship advice... Her bf is really nice, and they make a good couple, if I can give her any pointers on how not to fuck it up like I did, then I'm gonna... seems to be working so far.
And as for me... well, let's just say GT and the ladies at work (DB, JV & RC) are taking it upon themselves to find me a lady... whether I'm looking or not! Am I scared... hell yes! JV is as mad as a fish, so she won't rest until she succeeds... but it's nice once to feel like I belong, and I'm so greatful to the guys at work for picking me up without even realising, to the three guys who have stood by me through it all... Doofus, Dr T & Lou.
Thank you is an understatement, but I love you guys!
And my baby Kia... I sound like a soppy fool, but she really is a tonic to me more than you could ever imagine a dog being. I'm so proud of her, and I'm doing my damndest to bring her up just like Spoonsie, and into the wonderful labro I know she has the potential to be!
For once, I'm happy, and consider myself lucky for all and everyone that I have.
It's not so bad to be me afterall!
Saturday, 7 July 2007
A Poem Called... Time - a meeting of head, heart & soul
Trying to find the words,
I'm not usually stuck.
I can see all sides clearly now,
As much as it hurts.
Suddenly my mind is pounding.
My heart and soul aching.
So many issues,
I feel like so little time.
I don't want to rush,
I want to do it right.
My head untangling,
My soul still bare as the night.
I know somewhere you still feel the way you used to.
I see it in your eyes.
I know it scares you.
But I know you can't handle this right now.
I can't blame you for that.
But I'm scared,
More than I've ever been afraid in my whole life.
I'm scared tomorrow will be too late.
I hated the person I was.
You deserved better.
I'm learning to like the person I'm becoming.
But I can't change completely today.
I'm scared she'll arrive too late.
I don't want to live in fear.
I just want to love you like in my heart and soul!
Please, someone. Just press pause until she gets here!
I'm not usually stuck.
I can see all sides clearly now,
As much as it hurts.
Suddenly my mind is pounding.
My heart and soul aching.
So many issues,
I feel like so little time.
I don't want to rush,
I want to do it right.
My head untangling,
My soul still bare as the night.
I know somewhere you still feel the way you used to.
I see it in your eyes.
I know it scares you.
But I know you can't handle this right now.
I can't blame you for that.
But I'm scared,
More than I've ever been afraid in my whole life.
I'm scared tomorrow will be too late.
I hated the person I was.
You deserved better.
I'm learning to like the person I'm becoming.
But I can't change completely today.
I'm scared she'll arrive too late.
I don't want to live in fear.
I just want to love you like in my heart and soul!
Please, someone. Just press pause until she gets here!
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Why Can't You Be Like This All The Time?
I've had a mad busy week or so of ups and downs. So much so, that I still don't know where I am right now... and more than that, I think I know where I'm at even less than I did before if that's possible!
I've had a couple of 'discussions' with my mother since I last posted. Which to be fair, was like going over the same thing over and over again. Feeling like each time I explain why I find it hard to communicate, and just why I'm in my own head trying to sort things out, and that I'm sorry she feels like I don't let her in. The truth is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to discuss what I'm doing to sort myself out, I don't know how to explain it. It's painful to try and go into details about my counselling or what approaches I'm trying, or even how I'm working through them, and they make perfect sense at the time, yet I am struggling, or I feel like I am, but I can't explain how.
Regardless of that, I am trying to let her know I'm at least trying to work through things, and I've explained I'm doing things the best way I know how and in the only way that feels right for me to survive. Part of my counselling will be not to look at the negative of the possibility, or probability of us having the same conversation again in a few weeks, which I'm finding quite hard right now.
Regarding the counselling, I've been having a hell of a time with it this week. And I only get 6-8 sessions, and this was number 4, so there was I trying to space them out, when my counsellor thinks it isn't a good idea just yet until she feels sure I'm not struggling too much with the thought records, so we're on again for next week! Don't get me wrong, I think that's good, I mean, if I need the support, then it's a great thing that it's there when I need it, I'm just a little upset at how much I'm struggling and having difficulty. In some ways I'm not entirely sure I'm making any improvements to speak of, that aren't circumstantial.
That, and the longer I go on, and the more I look into things, the more issues I'm finding that I've got, and I need to tackle this one to deal with that one, and I'm getting a concertina effect.
We identified today that I have a chronic and debilitating fear of rejection. The point of that is that it impacts virtually everything I say and do. And it's worse with people I care more about. And the best bit of all this? Is that it stems from a trust issue. It would seem, regardless of how I feel, or what I do, or what I say, there is a huge part of me that doesn't trust completely. Yeah, there are still people I trust more than others, with as much of me as I am able to give, but part of me somewhere, subconsciously for some reason, is completely scared and doesn't trust entirely. At least, it would appear, not to the same extent as fully functioning human beings.
When you consider that trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship, whether family, romantic or friendship, then I'm screwed really!
And I don't know what to do about it, or how to fix it. My counsellor, Kate, said that there is no magic formula to it, it's all about taking a risk. But I'm so scared. I hate how it feels to be alone, and rejected, and not wanted, or to really really want something but not be able to have it. That's what I try to protect myself from.
I just feel right now like I've set sail in this boat on the path to sorting out all the difficulties I had, and I just keep finding new ones, and I'm in a complete storm, and it's so rocky, and I'm completely off course, and I don't know where to go, or what to do next.
I have such huge self confidence issues. And I mean completely huge. And I don't know what to do to get rid of them. I can see this super confident, sexy, beautiful woman I want to be, and I know full well that it will change how people see me and look at me, but I can't get there, I can't be it. I just don't know what to do. I can't make people see the me that I really am. And I can't be that me long for long enough to change anything, to convince people, to convince me, to make a difference. And each reversion back is just completely demoralising. I feel like I keep trying, but it's just not enough.
I had a 'moment' on Saturday night. This moment of the 'me' I want to be. The 'me' I really am inside. And more than that. I saw just for a second the real difference it makes. I just try and try and try, and I can't keep it. I don't know how.
I'd gone to my school reunion. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy! None of my old school friends were there, just acquaintences really, and I wasn't really friendly or popular at school. I suppose in my new mind, that was all the more reason to make the effort and go. To show everyone who I am now. That I'm not who I was then, that I'm proud to be me. FT came with me for some support, which was lovely. And it touched me when she commented that I'd be the first to do it for her or anyone else, so she was happy to do something that I really wanted in return. She was also quite right in saying it's a step I wouldn't have made 6 months ago, and so was a big thing for me. I hadn't really looked at it like that until then. And although I felt like a bit of a sour lemon, and didn't really have anyone to talk to or catch up with, and was disappointed at how some women can revert back to being 14 again just by attending a school reunion, I didn't make a fool of myself. I made a fair effort, and then called it a night and headed home without complaint or fear or embarasment.
We had a moment, sitting down having a drink and chatting, it wasn't even anything big, or anything special, or no real effort or trying or anything like that. I saw something in FT I hadn't seen in a while. It was like that starry eyed look you have when you're in love, and just completely happy in a moment. And she said to me 'why can't you be like this all the time? We really get on when you're like this'. And it's true. So completely true.
And it's the question I sak myself every day, and seem to struggle so seemlessly to find the fucking answer to. That's the me I want to be. The me that makes her feel like that. The me that is completely comfortable with myself, and completely confident in a moment, and unphased by life. Because inside, that's the me I see in there. And what really frustrates me, is that's the 'me' I know she's still in love with, and feels like that special way about. I know that's the me that gets under her skin and into her head, and it infuriates her to the point of complete distraction. I know it's still there!
I know it, because that's the effect she has on me.
I just can't seem to 'be' that side of me for long enough. Be the person I want to be. And what makes it worse, is that now it feels like I've left it too late to trust completely, in the way that I thought I was doing the first time round, because I'm scared of how to pick myself up when it hurts.
There's just so much to work on, and it hurts so much to be me right now. I don't know what to do next, or how to do it.
I've had a couple of 'discussions' with my mother since I last posted. Which to be fair, was like going over the same thing over and over again. Feeling like each time I explain why I find it hard to communicate, and just why I'm in my own head trying to sort things out, and that I'm sorry she feels like I don't let her in. The truth is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to discuss what I'm doing to sort myself out, I don't know how to explain it. It's painful to try and go into details about my counselling or what approaches I'm trying, or even how I'm working through them, and they make perfect sense at the time, yet I am struggling, or I feel like I am, but I can't explain how.
Regardless of that, I am trying to let her know I'm at least trying to work through things, and I've explained I'm doing things the best way I know how and in the only way that feels right for me to survive. Part of my counselling will be not to look at the negative of the possibility, or probability of us having the same conversation again in a few weeks, which I'm finding quite hard right now.
Regarding the counselling, I've been having a hell of a time with it this week. And I only get 6-8 sessions, and this was number 4, so there was I trying to space them out, when my counsellor thinks it isn't a good idea just yet until she feels sure I'm not struggling too much with the thought records, so we're on again for next week! Don't get me wrong, I think that's good, I mean, if I need the support, then it's a great thing that it's there when I need it, I'm just a little upset at how much I'm struggling and having difficulty. In some ways I'm not entirely sure I'm making any improvements to speak of, that aren't circumstantial.
That, and the longer I go on, and the more I look into things, the more issues I'm finding that I've got, and I need to tackle this one to deal with that one, and I'm getting a concertina effect.
We identified today that I have a chronic and debilitating fear of rejection. The point of that is that it impacts virtually everything I say and do. And it's worse with people I care more about. And the best bit of all this? Is that it stems from a trust issue. It would seem, regardless of how I feel, or what I do, or what I say, there is a huge part of me that doesn't trust completely. Yeah, there are still people I trust more than others, with as much of me as I am able to give, but part of me somewhere, subconsciously for some reason, is completely scared and doesn't trust entirely. At least, it would appear, not to the same extent as fully functioning human beings.
When you consider that trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship, whether family, romantic or friendship, then I'm screwed really!
And I don't know what to do about it, or how to fix it. My counsellor, Kate, said that there is no magic formula to it, it's all about taking a risk. But I'm so scared. I hate how it feels to be alone, and rejected, and not wanted, or to really really want something but not be able to have it. That's what I try to protect myself from.
I just feel right now like I've set sail in this boat on the path to sorting out all the difficulties I had, and I just keep finding new ones, and I'm in a complete storm, and it's so rocky, and I'm completely off course, and I don't know where to go, or what to do next.
I have such huge self confidence issues. And I mean completely huge. And I don't know what to do to get rid of them. I can see this super confident, sexy, beautiful woman I want to be, and I know full well that it will change how people see me and look at me, but I can't get there, I can't be it. I just don't know what to do. I can't make people see the me that I really am. And I can't be that me long for long enough to change anything, to convince people, to convince me, to make a difference. And each reversion back is just completely demoralising. I feel like I keep trying, but it's just not enough.
I had a 'moment' on Saturday night. This moment of the 'me' I want to be. The 'me' I really am inside. And more than that. I saw just for a second the real difference it makes. I just try and try and try, and I can't keep it. I don't know how.
I'd gone to my school reunion. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy! None of my old school friends were there, just acquaintences really, and I wasn't really friendly or popular at school. I suppose in my new mind, that was all the more reason to make the effort and go. To show everyone who I am now. That I'm not who I was then, that I'm proud to be me. FT came with me for some support, which was lovely. And it touched me when she commented that I'd be the first to do it for her or anyone else, so she was happy to do something that I really wanted in return. She was also quite right in saying it's a step I wouldn't have made 6 months ago, and so was a big thing for me. I hadn't really looked at it like that until then. And although I felt like a bit of a sour lemon, and didn't really have anyone to talk to or catch up with, and was disappointed at how some women can revert back to being 14 again just by attending a school reunion, I didn't make a fool of myself. I made a fair effort, and then called it a night and headed home without complaint or fear or embarasment.
We had a moment, sitting down having a drink and chatting, it wasn't even anything big, or anything special, or no real effort or trying or anything like that. I saw something in FT I hadn't seen in a while. It was like that starry eyed look you have when you're in love, and just completely happy in a moment. And she said to me 'why can't you be like this all the time? We really get on when you're like this'. And it's true. So completely true.
And it's the question I sak myself every day, and seem to struggle so seemlessly to find the fucking answer to. That's the me I want to be. The me that makes her feel like that. The me that is completely comfortable with myself, and completely confident in a moment, and unphased by life. Because inside, that's the me I see in there. And what really frustrates me, is that's the 'me' I know she's still in love with, and feels like that special way about. I know that's the me that gets under her skin and into her head, and it infuriates her to the point of complete distraction. I know it's still there!
I know it, because that's the effect she has on me.
I just can't seem to 'be' that side of me for long enough. Be the person I want to be. And what makes it worse, is that now it feels like I've left it too late to trust completely, in the way that I thought I was doing the first time round, because I'm scared of how to pick myself up when it hurts.
There's just so much to work on, and it hurts so much to be me right now. I don't know what to do next, or how to do it.
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