Where To Look... Which Way To Turn?

I sometimes wonder if Forest Gump was right... is life really like a box of chocolates? I think he had a point. Not just in the fact that you never know which one you're going to get, but also in that sometimes, and at some point, only the shit ones are left, and you kinda have to deal with them!
I think for the minute, I'm in my 'strawberry cream' mode... and I hate strawberry creams!

This is kind of a crap week for me. This weekend especially. I'm seeing parts of myself I wished and hoped I'd lost. I think I need a good cry, but that shows weakness, and I don't want to be weak. Not on my own.

I have, however, isolated why I'm feeling like this. Now just the hard part is having to deal with it. Or to find a way to. My reasons for feeling like this are:

• I had an email slanging match with Sarah, and stupidly on my part, got very hurt and upset by some of the things she said, but not only that entered into a bit of the self doubt the old Lucy mastered so perfectly. Not where I want to be.
• I don't like still living at home. But at the moment, I'm so stupidly, ridiculously broke, there really is little I can do about it.
• I had a little moment this weekend, where something, reminded me of Sarah, and I thought about the good times, minus the lies and the grief, and I really missed her and how she made me feel. Then I got upset and angry that things had to go the way they did.
• I hate change and I don't cope with it. Yet things at work are changing... some of the people I like and work closely with, GT included, have or are leaving... and I'm not coping too well.
• I pissed off being single. And to be fair, I just don't see a way out of it. I can't shake the feeling that it doesn't matter what I do, or how much I give, I'm just not what the lovely ladies out there want.

I think as well, at the minute, particularly today, Mother's Day, I'm missing my Nan. And I still feel as though I haven't grieved properly. And I'm not sure I will. I feel like I need to completely break down and cry in someone's arms, and to be held and told it's OK. But there's no one in my life to do that. No one I trust enough to be that vunerable with. I feel like I'm in a bit of a nomadic state.

I'm sure it won't last long, and it won't last forever. Just right now, I'm in a bit of a struggle to deal with it. Where did it all go wrong?!