Sometimes things happen, or pop back into the memory that put things into perspective. For me, today is one of those days.
It's been a day of remembering who I was, who I am now, and how I got here.
8 years ago today, someone very close to me was murdered. In all honesty, my reaction to it was to shut myself away and to not deal with it or allow any of it to enter into my mind.
I've never spoken about it, or even really dealt with it. Just shut it away as though it never happened. But I guess, somehow now, through the medium of my blog, it feels right to talk about it all.
His name was Chris, and he was the only 'boyfriend' I ever had. We were 'together' when we were kids, and it was a pretty up and down relationship, but ultimately, he was one of the loveliest, nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. I'm not going to address the fact that Chris was a guy and I'm now, an out and proud lesbian. Fact is this was way back in the day when I was in denial and hiding from my sexuality, and my growing attraction to women. My life was different back then, I was different back then. The fact remains, that he is the only guy I've ever been in a relationsip with, and was never in a sexual nature. The 'relationship' so to speak, is irelevant. It's not even about that. But I spent many years of my adolescence hanging around, as kids do, with Chris and his brother Phil, and they were two of the very best friends I've ever had.
There is, however, more to the story.
Chris and Phil's parents decided to move away from the estate on which we all grew up when we were teenagers, and for a large part, of course being young, there is nothing we could do to stop that. It was back in the days before mobile phones were the 'in thing', and back way back when the internet and surfing you thought was something out of the space time continum or belonged only at the seaside. And where they moved, and the age we were, was too far for us to see each other without the help of parents getting us there. And consequently, parents having their own lives, that didn't happen. And so, we pretty much lost contact.
My reaction to this was one of being completely distraught and not knowing how to cope with it. I couldn't cope with it. My whole world fell completely apart. Everything I'd known and trusted, was gone completely, and I couldn't cope. I still struggle with coping strategies for things now, so christ knows how I ever expected myself to cope then. But the fact is, as a kid, you can put things like that away and never deal with them. You don't have that luxury as an adult.
My response to coping and dealing with losing my two best friends, and the only person I'd ever loved, was to bury my head in my school work. I stopped hanging out, and evenings and weekends were spent either in my room, or sitting at the table reading or writing notes, and learning... anything scientific, I was interested in. That was my coping mechanism, for that and a number of things... and to be fair, it saw me to some good GCSE and A Level results, and a 2:1 degree in Biomedical Science, so it wasn't an approach completely in vain.
I can't even begin to put into words how I missed them though. Chris used to meet me and be waiting for me after school and things, and I didn't like life without him, or Phil.
And there were points in my life, I would have loved to have them around for. Like when my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, and underwent treatment, I was on my own, and times like that I missed them most. I could list a million and one things I missed about them, and thinking about it all now, I still miss it all and them, and wish things were so different. But unfortunately you can't live your lives on 'what ifs'.
I regret so much, that the day they left, I went out for the day. I couldn't be around in the house knowing they were moving, and everything I'd known was disappearing. I remember driving out down the road their house looked onto, and seeing the delivery truck and everything being packed up. I cried. Looking back on it all, and how I feel now, and felt after, I really regret the fact that I didn't step up to the plate and say how I felt and dealt with it then. Instead I ran away, and they probably thought I didn't give a shit anyway, which is about as far from the truth as you could get... I have to live with that forever, and it still upsets me to this day!
After they left, there were a few occasions when we kept in touch. I remember a knock at the door once, and I opened it, and standing there was Chris... not wearing glasses like he used to as a kid. It was only a fleeting visit as he was off and about somewhere, but it meant a lot. Even then I didn't have the balls to tell him I missed him!
And then, a few months after that, a knock at the door, and Phil was standing there, wearing glasses, although he never did as a kid. Once again it was only a fleeting visit, and I still didn't have the balls to say that I missed them.
So two opportunities I had to open up, and I choked. Can only imagine what they thought of me! First sign of things getting tough, and Luce runs! Nice one! Again, more regrets my end!
And I never forget, being indoors on New Years Eve of the Millennium, when the phone rings... it was Chris and Phil, ringing to wish me a happy new year. It was amazing. Really special.
I guess my regrets are that even after they moved, I was presented with opportunities to see them, and be part of each others lives, and for whatever reason, I let the obstacles get in the way. And I regret every day more than I like to admit, how that tears me apart.
Then the next thing I know, a year or so later, there is a knock at the door, from a neighbour, telling me the news that Chris had died. I don't know, the whole thing is a complete blur. Firstly, it was 8 year ago, and secondly, I was just in complete and utter shock. It was around the time of my A-Levels that it all happened, both his death and the funeral. I just didn't know what to do. Part of me really wanted to go and to be there, and go, and then part of me just couldn't cope. I was filled and tormented with regrets about the opportunities I'd had for us to once again be part of each others lives, and I'd let them slip away. And more's the point, I'd now lost any chance of that ever happening again. I didn't know how to deal with that. I couldn't go. I didn't go. The day of the funeral, and again on what would have been Chris' birthday, I spent with my school friends, trying to revise for my upcoming exams. It was just soul destroying. I didn't know what to do or how to cope. And I felt like I didn't have any right to let Phil know how I felt, because at ever single step of the way, I done nothing but run away.
I so regret not attending the funeral. That was one chance for me to try and do the right thing, and to pay my respects to someone I loved, and in all sincerity, never stopped loving. Even then I didn't have the courage to do that. I can't express how much I regret it.
I guess from then on, something inside me broke that day. I realised what my fear had done, and how it can have such an impact on my life. My focus from then on became channelled. I worked my arse off, and went to university. And more than that, I moved away from home and headed to Sheffield, something I'd never have had the courage to do earlier in my life. I stopped running from things. I had perspective, and I'd learnt and paid the ultimate sacrifice knowing exactly where my running away can lead. And I vowed never to do the same again.
The rest as they say, has led me to where I am today.
So why, you say. Why now choose to confront it and open up about it? And ultimately it boils down to one thing... Facebook.
You see, through facebook, I've got back in touch with Phil, and I really do hope to god that we can once again become very good friends. I don't think anyone realises just how big an impact he and Chris had on my life. And it's made me face my demons of pretending things are 100% OK, when in actual fact, I've never dealt with them, they've just been eating me up somewhere inside for the past what feels like 100 years.
Chris, you were one of my very best friends, and I can honestly say, hand on heart, the only guy I ever loved. The soppy sentimental in me still has some of the things you gave to me, and I mean more than just the memories. And every time I hear 'Right Here' by SWV... I always, always think of you. I'm sorry for running away, and I'm sorry for letting you down. It destroys me more than you know. I can't believe where the years have gone, and how much has passed. Truth is, I love you, always have, and always will! Rest in peace xxx
Tuesday 26 May 2009
Friday 15 May 2009
Complicated Emotions!
Now firstly, I wasn't sure if I'd used that title for a post before. But on inspection, if I have, then I can't find the post. And it's definitely applicable for now, so alas, it is the title of this post!
Jeez... I certainly know how to complicate my life! that's one thing that's for sure! And more's the point, I'm not sure how I do it!
I guess for the main bulk of this post, I'm going to talk about some things and some feelings that have been brewing for a while. A long while. but I've never really voiced them, and have myself put them to the back of the closet. Until now. When forever reason, either by coincidence, or by timing, now it seems OK to voice them.
I guess some of this stuff goes long back to when FT and I were in a relationship. I made this big thing at the time, about how there was and would never be anyone else, and how my eye would never look at another woman in that way. Fact it, it didn't. Never did. We were together and in a relationship, and I would have done anything to have made that work. That said, almost in trying to prove to myself that our relationship was solid, and that to prove to the world that FT was the one for me, in my naievity, I believed it had to be the case that you could or should never either have or admit feelings or attraction to anyone else. I was ignorant to know the difference between fancying someone else whilst in a relationship, and that being acceptable. I never knew where it was acceptable to draw a line and say, 'yeah, she's lovely, and I'm attracted to her, and if I were single, I would most definitely try my luck, but fact is I'm in a relationship with someone I love and want to be with, so I'm not going to'. It's a bit like the self restraint you have to have, even if you're single, but the person you really fancy and are most interested in is with someone else... there are boundaries and boaderlines that you just don't cross.
So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe I did fancy other women, while I was with FT. But the fact is, I never and would never have acted on them while we were together.
Which brings me to where I am now. You see, I've known one of my friends, who we met when FT and I were together, for pretty much 5 years or so now. But at the time, she was in a relationship, and had been for a good 5 years, and I was with FT. So we were friends. Good friends. But the fact is, I always was really attracted to her, and quite fancied her.
It's something I never ever said, and would never ever have admitted had circumstances not changed for both of us. Since FT and I split up, this friend and I have become pretty close. She's someone, and believe me, there are very few people, who just 'gets' me. So to be fair, she knew how distraught I was about the break up, and if anything, it brought us closer. I went off the rails and all that, as we all know, so there was a good while where she and I had no contact. But there was always the odd text or so just to check in. Then last year, she lost someone close to her just after I lost my Nan, and so we were kinda there for each other, because we were going through things at the same time.
Then, out of the blue, a couple of months ago, she told me her partner had finished with her, and that they were splitting up. Now she and I are quite similar with our approaches to things and to relationships, so I think I better than anyone knows where she's at and what she's feeling and going through. Mores the point, I think her partner and FT are quite alike in their ways too, not that FT would ever admit to that.
She says she and her partner are trying to work things out. I mean, they've been together for 10 years, and that's a hell of a long time. I just worry that it's another situation like FT and I when we initially tried to 'work things out'. Part of me feels she's being taken for a bit of a ride, and her partner is backtracking because she's realised all the perks she'd lose if they do finish. But she told her she didn't love her anymore. How can you go back from that?
I don't know, all I know is I get this weird feeling of deja vu, and I would never wish how I felt and what I went through on her. But I also know how it feels when people but in and try to interfere or thing they can do it better than you. So I'm keeping out of it.
The fact is though, and the complicated thing is. I really like her. And I always have. It never felt OK to say that before, with FT and with her partner, but like I said, change of circumstances on both sides, and it seems OK to say it out loud, rather than trying to ignore it in my head... even if nothing could or will never come of it.
We're always talking and texting, and I honestly don't know anyone else who can make me smile and laugh the way she can, even on a shit day... it truly is a skill! And to be fair, all the flirting and sexual tension is mind blowing!
She knows none of this, and may never know... particularly as she's trying to make a go of things with her partner. I'd never do or say anything to jeopardise that or our friendship. But I did just need it to be said out loud, that I do have a serious thing for her. And if the day or situation ever arose, then I'm not sure I'd be able to pass it by...
Jeez... I certainly know how to complicate my life! that's one thing that's for sure! And more's the point, I'm not sure how I do it!
I guess for the main bulk of this post, I'm going to talk about some things and some feelings that have been brewing for a while. A long while. but I've never really voiced them, and have myself put them to the back of the closet. Until now. When forever reason, either by coincidence, or by timing, now it seems OK to voice them.
I guess some of this stuff goes long back to when FT and I were in a relationship. I made this big thing at the time, about how there was and would never be anyone else, and how my eye would never look at another woman in that way. Fact it, it didn't. Never did. We were together and in a relationship, and I would have done anything to have made that work. That said, almost in trying to prove to myself that our relationship was solid, and that to prove to the world that FT was the one for me, in my naievity, I believed it had to be the case that you could or should never either have or admit feelings or attraction to anyone else. I was ignorant to know the difference between fancying someone else whilst in a relationship, and that being acceptable. I never knew where it was acceptable to draw a line and say, 'yeah, she's lovely, and I'm attracted to her, and if I were single, I would most definitely try my luck, but fact is I'm in a relationship with someone I love and want to be with, so I'm not going to'. It's a bit like the self restraint you have to have, even if you're single, but the person you really fancy and are most interested in is with someone else... there are boundaries and boaderlines that you just don't cross.
So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe I did fancy other women, while I was with FT. But the fact is, I never and would never have acted on them while we were together.
Which brings me to where I am now. You see, I've known one of my friends, who we met when FT and I were together, for pretty much 5 years or so now. But at the time, she was in a relationship, and had been for a good 5 years, and I was with FT. So we were friends. Good friends. But the fact is, I always was really attracted to her, and quite fancied her.
It's something I never ever said, and would never ever have admitted had circumstances not changed for both of us. Since FT and I split up, this friend and I have become pretty close. She's someone, and believe me, there are very few people, who just 'gets' me. So to be fair, she knew how distraught I was about the break up, and if anything, it brought us closer. I went off the rails and all that, as we all know, so there was a good while where she and I had no contact. But there was always the odd text or so just to check in. Then last year, she lost someone close to her just after I lost my Nan, and so we were kinda there for each other, because we were going through things at the same time.
Then, out of the blue, a couple of months ago, she told me her partner had finished with her, and that they were splitting up. Now she and I are quite similar with our approaches to things and to relationships, so I think I better than anyone knows where she's at and what she's feeling and going through. Mores the point, I think her partner and FT are quite alike in their ways too, not that FT would ever admit to that.
She says she and her partner are trying to work things out. I mean, they've been together for 10 years, and that's a hell of a long time. I just worry that it's another situation like FT and I when we initially tried to 'work things out'. Part of me feels she's being taken for a bit of a ride, and her partner is backtracking because she's realised all the perks she'd lose if they do finish. But she told her she didn't love her anymore. How can you go back from that?
I don't know, all I know is I get this weird feeling of deja vu, and I would never wish how I felt and what I went through on her. But I also know how it feels when people but in and try to interfere or thing they can do it better than you. So I'm keeping out of it.
The fact is though, and the complicated thing is. I really like her. And I always have. It never felt OK to say that before, with FT and with her partner, but like I said, change of circumstances on both sides, and it seems OK to say it out loud, rather than trying to ignore it in my head... even if nothing could or will never come of it.
We're always talking and texting, and I honestly don't know anyone else who can make me smile and laugh the way she can, even on a shit day... it truly is a skill! And to be fair, all the flirting and sexual tension is mind blowing!
She knows none of this, and may never know... particularly as she's trying to make a go of things with her partner. I'd never do or say anything to jeopardise that or our friendship. But I did just need it to be said out loud, that I do have a serious thing for her. And if the day or situation ever arose, then I'm not sure I'd be able to pass it by...
Sunday 10 May 2009
An Ode to GT...
Now I'm not sure if you write an ode as a poem, or whether it can be whatever the hell you want it to be, but that was what I wanted to call this post, so I did.
I've had a week to take all this is, and to think about how I feel and how I'm coping and things, so on reflection of my thoughts and feelings, I decided to make a post.
As people may or may not know, GT or Gareth to the ICS crew, was one of my close friends from work. And it seemed like it was happening for ages, but GT left our department to move on and work for a new trust, so he no longer works with me or the team. People come and go you might say, but GT is one special guy, and I didn't want events to pass without commenting on them.
You see, for all his ways, GT, in my eyes, is and forever will be a legend. He was on the panel that interviewed me and is largely responsible with me getting the job. But more than that. There's only about a year and a half between us in age, and to be fair, GT has been like a big brother and a mentor to me throughout my working in ICS. So to say 'I miss him' is a complete understatement.
So as a tribute to GT, I thought I'd list a heap of stuff the guy does and is all about, and what I miss most about him already:
I've had a week to take all this is, and to think about how I feel and how I'm coping and things, so on reflection of my thoughts and feelings, I decided to make a post.
As people may or may not know, GT or Gareth to the ICS crew, was one of my close friends from work. And it seemed like it was happening for ages, but GT left our department to move on and work for a new trust, so he no longer works with me or the team. People come and go you might say, but GT is one special guy, and I didn't want events to pass without commenting on them.
You see, for all his ways, GT, in my eyes, is and forever will be a legend. He was on the panel that interviewed me and is largely responsible with me getting the job. But more than that. There's only about a year and a half between us in age, and to be fair, GT has been like a big brother and a mentor to me throughout my working in ICS. So to say 'I miss him' is a complete understatement.
So as a tribute to GT, I thought I'd list a heap of stuff the guy does and is all about, and what I miss most about him already:
- There is no one more dedicated an OT than this guy, he's a complete grafter, there is no cutting corners, if it needs being done, then it is done. Simple.
- He trusts you and listens to you, which is a hell of a lot more respect than a lot of people give you in this day and age.
- What you see is what you get. Yes, he can be a bit of a gobshite and a bit loose lipped, but I think me above everyone in the team is one of the only people who was on his wavelength and one of the only people he never ever upset.
- He trusts me and has faith in my abilities, whether it be computer technical or patient related and for that mate, I lift my hat and say thank you, I'll not let you down.
- We have a similar piss taking sense of humour... so I'll miss not having my buddy around to join forces with when stupidity creeps in.
- He's loud and says it as it is. You can only have respect for that, and it's something I'll miss.
- He's my tutor for technical things and for footie, and my inspiration to be taken into the world of gadgets... if I ever get an iphone, GT is the man to call!
- He can only drink about 2.5 pints and then he's pissed... I can out drink the guy, but he is a HILARIOUS drunk!
I think most of all, GT has a sensitivity and dedication most people miss with him, but which I picked up on and respected, and will miss more than anything. He instinctively knew when I was down and not coping with things after FT and I were not talking. He put his arm round me, and said 'you deserve to be with and find someone special, because you're lovely and you deserve to be happy'. The guy knew what to say and exactly how to say it. And for that GT, I love you mate. It had an effect on me no one else had.
And more than that, my first day into work after my Nan died, I was on the late shift, so in the office for 2pm. He was there, waiting for me to arrive, he was the first person to come up to me, put his arm round me and give me a hug, tell me how sorry he was, and ask if I was OK or if there was anything he could do. I was speechless. That single act meant more to me than he knows.
So now he doesn't work with us anymore, and I miss him like hell. I miss his loudness and his gobshite ways. I miss his pictures on the wall, even the one of the dodgy salmon jumper. I miss his sleepy misdemeanour on a Monday morning. His hyperactivity when he ate chocolate. I miss his hard work, and his support, and the feeling of being part of the team. He's just one of them people who is the lynchpin of things. And GT being the modest little swine (yeah right) that he is, does honestly believe he'll be forgotten. The fact is, no mate, you won't be. Yeah, things change and you move on, but you'll never ever be forgotten.
So a week ago Thursday gone was his last day. We had pizzas for lunch in the office. The head of department gave her regular 'poem' when someone leaves. But this time, instead of pure humour and good will, was a complete touching emotional tinge to it too. That shows how important GT is and how he will be missed. We gave him his card, and Nintendo DS i for a present. He loved it. He had to choke back the tears. I had to leave the room with tears in mine.
I left early that day, to meet a friend for a drink. When I left, I put my arm around him, gave him a hug and said, 'thank you for the opportunity, the support and the belief, good luck with everything mate, the new job, the baby and the wedding. You'll make a great Dad, and Camden don't know how lucky they are. It has been an absolute pleasure working with you, and I'll really miss you'.
I meant it. GT is one of a kind, and one in a million. I don't cope with change well at all, so it feels like part of me is missing without him around. I miss you GT, you're a great guy. And we'll still go out, and I'll still drink your hairy ass under the table! Love you dude, and honestly, it really has been a complete pleasure!
Thursday 23 April 2009
Mad Dogs & Englishmen!
Let me first start by wishing everyone a 'Happy St George's Day', for all the Englishmen out there. I have no idea why, because to be fair, it's a complete waste of a 'saint's day' as it's not something that is ever really celebrated here in England... it's weird really. I mean, I'm probably as patriotic as the next guy... I stand up and sing the national anthem and have been known to have a tear in my eye when it's been played when we have one something internationally, but I think even St George's Day might be taking it a little too far.
I am absolutely exhausted. My shifts have been completely up the wall this week, and it's been my first full week back after annual leave, so I think it's taking it's toll. Plus the fact I'm only getting one day off this weekend, and hence one lie in. But even for that I think I'm going shoe shopping for some black shoes for my Doofus' wedding in October.
I am paranoid that the usher is going to look a complete and utter dick! And shoes are something I struggle with! To put it into perspective, the ones I were now are some Dr Martens I bought about 12 years ago, and haven't been made for years, or I'd simply buy another pair.
OK, so the term 'Mad Dog' comes from the fact it was Kia's first week back at puppy school since I had her neutered a couple of weeks ago. And she has been a right challenging cow. Let's just say she's trying to exert some authority and is having problems understanding she'd not head of the pack. It to be fair though, is nothing I can't handle.
She is one lovely labrador though... you can't help but love her!
To be honest, I'm so tired and bored this evening, I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm beside myself. There's nothing happening and nothing going on... think I might go for a lie down on the bed for a bit.
I am absolutely exhausted. My shifts have been completely up the wall this week, and it's been my first full week back after annual leave, so I think it's taking it's toll. Plus the fact I'm only getting one day off this weekend, and hence one lie in. But even for that I think I'm going shoe shopping for some black shoes for my Doofus' wedding in October.
I am paranoid that the usher is going to look a complete and utter dick! And shoes are something I struggle with! To put it into perspective, the ones I were now are some Dr Martens I bought about 12 years ago, and haven't been made for years, or I'd simply buy another pair.
OK, so the term 'Mad Dog' comes from the fact it was Kia's first week back at puppy school since I had her neutered a couple of weeks ago. And she has been a right challenging cow. Let's just say she's trying to exert some authority and is having problems understanding she'd not head of the pack. It to be fair though, is nothing I can't handle.
She is one lovely labrador though... you can't help but love her!
To be honest, I'm so tired and bored this evening, I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm beside myself. There's nothing happening and nothing going on... think I might go for a lie down on the bed for a bit.
Monday 20 April 2009
I Need In Built CCTV!
I swear in the name of God, or whatever supernatural being there is out there looking over us, that cyclists on London roads have it in for me!
Can I first start with a much needed outburst (anyone under the age of 16 please look away now). Bollocks, Shit, twat is, fuck!!!
That's better... I just needed to get out some stress!
I swear, on the way home from work tonight, I could quite easily, and purely accidentally in manners which would not have been my fault, have knocked about 6 of the mad fuckers off their bikes! Trouble is, everyone by default thinks it's my 'bad driving'. Which is why I need somehow to mount my camcorder onto the dashboard of my car so it can record what the mad people do!
I won't go on, but I'll point out a few things that have happened:
Can I first start with a much needed outburst (anyone under the age of 16 please look away now). Bollocks, Shit, twat is, fuck!!!
That's better... I just needed to get out some stress!
I swear, on the way home from work tonight, I could quite easily, and purely accidentally in manners which would not have been my fault, have knocked about 6 of the mad fuckers off their bikes! Trouble is, everyone by default thinks it's my 'bad driving'. Which is why I need somehow to mount my camcorder onto the dashboard of my car so it can record what the mad people do!
I won't go on, but I'll point out a few things that have happened:
- I've had some bikes undertake me while I have been slowing down to turn left into a road, whilst indicating, so had I turned and not looked I'd have hit them. I mean, why would you undertake a car that was indicating to turn right into a road? Suicide mission.
- I've had a bike overtake me by driving in a right turning lane (hence I could have assumed he was turning right and carried on driving and I would have hit him) pulling away at traffic lights, only to cut across 2 lanes of forward moving cars on his left, to move three lanes over to be next to the kerb.
- Coincidentally this idiot ran a red light at pedestrian traffic lights and nearly hit some poor guy crossing the road.
- Then I had some idiot creep up between me and a bus on my left, the bus was indicating to pull out right, so I had stopped to let him out, the bike decided he wanted to try and squeeze through, then was almost squashed against my car by the bus.
- At one point I couldn't move as I was surrounded by about 5 sodding bikes and couldn' t move, being overtook, undertook, they were swerving all over the road, even coming off from the pavement. It was that bad, stopping wasn't an option as one of them probably would have gone into the back of my car. It was literally like close your eyes and hope for the best... they were nearly crashing into each other for christ's sake.
The worst thing is, I've been here before... had one of them gone into my car, or if I hadn't been able to stop, then it all would have been my fault. The were even swinging in and out of moving cars right in front of a police bike, and they done nothing!
That's not safe practice or even following the highway code... yet the police do nothing. You might think, well if they want to drive like that, like idiots and stuff then it's their lives they are putting on the line. Trouble is, I know from personal experience the fact is this:
- As a driver, it's you that the fault lies with, because they view it that you should have been able to avoid the situation. No matter what they do, the 'professionals' view it that you should be able to expect and predict them to do the unexpected. Fact is, to a large extent, maybe you can, but some things are unexpected, and how the hell can you judge and predict what 5 of the fuckers are doing all at once, and before you know it, there is another one to contend with. But alas, the injury is greater to them if there is impact, hence lies the sympathy card.
- Also, it's fucking distressing to be in any sort of collision like that, it knocks your confidence makes you feel terrible, and after some nutter turned into the back of my car I'm now paranoid about the thought of the same thing happening again, and how you really can't predict what they will do, no matter how much you try.
- Thirdly, the blame lies with you. They may tell you that it's 50 50, but it is always deemed that you could have avoided the situation, so therefore you are the one more responsible. Therefore you end up with some nutter cyclist, who drives like a moron on LSD claiming some bumped up injury claim off of your insurance, for which you have to foot the bill for. Coincidentally if it was the cyclist's fault and the police take their heads out of their arse and come to that conclusion, cyclists aren't insured anyway, so you end up paying out on your insurance to fix the damage to your car anyway, and you still are traumatised from the event!
- And, if you are at fault, then the liklihood is you get points on your licence and a fine, or you can attend a 'driver improvement course' which I might add, you have to pay for!
So honestly, what do you do? They are a menace and hazard. I might add however I don't have a problem with all cyclists. The ones that follow the highway code and drive in a safe manner which doesn't pose a danger or obstruction to drivers on the road, I have no objection with, and have upmost respect for. I do however have a problem with cyclists which do the things stated above. Honestly, I have no problem if you want to drive like a nut and kill yourselves, fact is it'll just be more of you dangerous people off the road, but it never ends there for the drivers, we end up paying and get screwed hand over fist in the long run. And no, it's not fair.
A few questions:
Why is it that if a car jumps a red light they get fined or ticketed or arrested, but if a cyclist does it there is no penalty?
Why do cars pay road tax and cyclists don't contribute when the quality of the road surface is more important for them as they swerve dips and pot holes and things when cars can ride straight on through?
Why do they have no insurance? Surely for their own safety and piece of mind as well as that of other drivers on the road in event of damage or accident, surely the same insurance rules should apply? I mean, who repairs the damage if one of them scratches the side of your car whilst creeping up between you and the kerb or you and the bus?
Fact is this country just isn't designed for cycles on the roads. Well London certainly isn't as much as that knob head former mayor Ken Livingstone tried to portray. We're not living in Holland where there is ample space and consideration for cycles, this country and this city is simply too big to cope with cycles on the roads!
Sunday 19 April 2009
Settle For Nothing
OK, so I'm not the most experienced in the world, and I'm not professing to have the answers to everything, or to be right in everything I do, but if I have learnt one thing from the life experiences is to 'settle for nothing'.
If you feel like something is getting you down, or if you're being treated in a way you're less than happy with, whoever it is, then stop bitching about it and do something about it.
I've spent far too long thinking to myself 'I wish she wouldn't do that', or 'I'm not happy with that situation', all the while going along with it and saying nothing... then eventually, I might reach a point where enough is enough, but by that point it's too late, and I tend to errupt.
So on springs me into a few heart to hearts of late with some of my friends. For completely different reasons, but that said, both situations which didn't sit happy in my heart and had been festering away. I'm not going to destroy myself like that anymore.
The first was a discussion with FT. Yes, OK, so we're trying to be friends, which is cool, and I've missed her in my life, and I want her to be my friend. I still want to open up to her and to talk to her, which is the reason for trying to find the best way for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, if I've learnt anything over the past few months, particularly from her behaviour resulting in this discussion, I've learnt that there under all certainty could never ever be any form of a relationship between us. She's too self centered which is abundantly evident these days. I'm not sure if it's got worse, or I had rose tinted spectacles on before, but the sad fact is, everything is on her terms. Which if that's the way it has to be, then fine, but I'm not bending over backwards to accomodate you anymore. I feel like the more you give, the worse it gets. And even as a 'friend', to be fair, even though I've wanted to call her and catch up with her over a drink or a meal or a movie or something, I haven't asked. I've learned the hard way that I get hurt a lot more if the venue isn't to her liking, then instead of compromise, the event turns into a no go, and she'll fill up that time seeing one of her other friends instead. And that hurts. Not just because it's her, I'd be the same with any of my friends. So sometimes it's easier and pain free to say no and put some distance. I guess my main issue is that we had gotten quite close, and were opening up to each other for a while... she was talking to me about her mum suffering with depression, and I was opening up to her over the problems I was having over Sarah being a psycho. And that was nice. But she started 'seeing' someone she met while away skiing in America. Again, it's her life, and even if I think the situation is a little weird in which to have a 'relationship', it's her decision. I was merely upset, because instead of telling me about it, she just changed her facebook status and never mentioned to me she was 'in a complicated relationship'.
Now I'd go apeshit of any of my friends had done the same. And I was upset because I'd really opened up to her over the Sarah side of things. So after a substantial amount of silence and no mention of her new 'relationship', I was hurt that it felt like my openess and trust had been taken the piss out of and wasn't reciprocated.
We discussed it. She apologised and agreed to talk to me, and we wanted to be friends, and understood that mistakes had been made, and they wouldn't happen again.
The sad fact is I still feel now like I'm not entirely sure if my trust can be placed there in the same way it was before. So I'm a little on guard, which also sets me on edge, as I don't like being like that with my friends... Something doesn't sit easy with me, and I don't like it. I'm not sure now we can be friends in the same way or even in the same way I am with my other friends. I guess watch this space.
On the other hand, it isn't just me. I was talking to Dr T over the weekend when we met up, and she was also saying that FT hadn't been in touch with her, and I think Dr T was feeling a bit 'picked up and put down when it suits' a bit like I was. And in fact it was her that suggested that FT could be a bit 'on her terms or not at all', and the general consensus is that we're both just going to get on with stuff and all that and if FT makes a suggestion on her terms which fits in nicely, then if we feel like it we'll roll with it, and if not, then we just carry on with our stuff.
I think that attitude in itself is sad, because I'd HATE to think any of my friends were like that with me, but I've been told I'm an exception to the rule and not like anyone else in putting my friends thoughts and feelings before my own so selflessly. Hell, it's me and I think that's a better quality. And I do know the real friends that matter will ALWAYS be there for me whenever I need them, whether convenient to themselves or not. And I love them for it. They know I'd lie my life down for them if it came to it.
One other thing FT said to me that really doesn't sit right with me came when I was opening up to her about some people I'm close to being so far away all over the country. I was really upset because two people especially who I miss and want to spend a LOT more of my time with, live something like 6 and 8 hours away by car, and it really upsets me. I was told that everybody has their own lives and there is no point getting so upset about them being so far away, apparently I should take her advice and find new friends nearer who I can do all the things with I miss with my other friends. I have friends local who I see and do things with. It doesn't stop me missing or really wanting to be with my other friends. I'm sorry, but if you don't know that about me, then you know nothing. That comment hurt and upset me. Yeah, I could fill every second of my time up with new local friends, and there would still be a hole in my heart where my best friend Doofus is, and where I want to be spening more time with her and someone else. That is an irreplaceable void. My point is I can pass the time of day, and keep myself busy, but I still miss them like hell, and still want to see more of them than I do. Fact.
My second heart to heart was with Doofus herself. With her imminent wedding... we have a date set now for 28th October 2009... Oh shit... I still need a plus one! You can take the piss Dr T, but it's not funny! Especially with my history with women (more later). Anyway, I basically opened up and told her just how much I miss her, and just how hard I find it that we're so far away and hardly see each other. I apologised for not seeing much of her for ages, and I hated it and told her how it destroyed me a little bit every day. If I'd have done it in person there would have been lots of tears and hugs. I apologised for not being the best at keeping in touch and how I tend to bury my head in the sand and maybe not call her as much as I want to because it reminds me how much I miss her and hurts even more. I explained it's no excuse and I didn't mean to be a complete cock about it, I just find it difficult.
Doofus knows me better than anyone, she probably knows exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling anyway. We will always be cool. I love her to death. No not in the 'I want your babies' way, but in the 'you're my sister' kinda way. I love you dude xxxxx.
On a complicated note, I just wanted to state fact and make it abundantly aware that I have this complete knack of falling head over heals for the wrong women! They either live too far away, or are in relationships, or appear to have absolutely no attraction to me like that in the slightest. And I certainly don't want to do anything to fuck anything up! It's all so shit and all so complicated! Damn and blast!
I'm off to watch Lost... just to confuse myself even further! LOL.
If you feel like something is getting you down, or if you're being treated in a way you're less than happy with, whoever it is, then stop bitching about it and do something about it.
I've spent far too long thinking to myself 'I wish she wouldn't do that', or 'I'm not happy with that situation', all the while going along with it and saying nothing... then eventually, I might reach a point where enough is enough, but by that point it's too late, and I tend to errupt.
So on springs me into a few heart to hearts of late with some of my friends. For completely different reasons, but that said, both situations which didn't sit happy in my heart and had been festering away. I'm not going to destroy myself like that anymore.
The first was a discussion with FT. Yes, OK, so we're trying to be friends, which is cool, and I've missed her in my life, and I want her to be my friend. I still want to open up to her and to talk to her, which is the reason for trying to find the best way for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, if I've learnt anything over the past few months, particularly from her behaviour resulting in this discussion, I've learnt that there under all certainty could never ever be any form of a relationship between us. She's too self centered which is abundantly evident these days. I'm not sure if it's got worse, or I had rose tinted spectacles on before, but the sad fact is, everything is on her terms. Which if that's the way it has to be, then fine, but I'm not bending over backwards to accomodate you anymore. I feel like the more you give, the worse it gets. And even as a 'friend', to be fair, even though I've wanted to call her and catch up with her over a drink or a meal or a movie or something, I haven't asked. I've learned the hard way that I get hurt a lot more if the venue isn't to her liking, then instead of compromise, the event turns into a no go, and she'll fill up that time seeing one of her other friends instead. And that hurts. Not just because it's her, I'd be the same with any of my friends. So sometimes it's easier and pain free to say no and put some distance. I guess my main issue is that we had gotten quite close, and were opening up to each other for a while... she was talking to me about her mum suffering with depression, and I was opening up to her over the problems I was having over Sarah being a psycho. And that was nice. But she started 'seeing' someone she met while away skiing in America. Again, it's her life, and even if I think the situation is a little weird in which to have a 'relationship', it's her decision. I was merely upset, because instead of telling me about it, she just changed her facebook status and never mentioned to me she was 'in a complicated relationship'.
Now I'd go apeshit of any of my friends had done the same. And I was upset because I'd really opened up to her over the Sarah side of things. So after a substantial amount of silence and no mention of her new 'relationship', I was hurt that it felt like my openess and trust had been taken the piss out of and wasn't reciprocated.
We discussed it. She apologised and agreed to talk to me, and we wanted to be friends, and understood that mistakes had been made, and they wouldn't happen again.
The sad fact is I still feel now like I'm not entirely sure if my trust can be placed there in the same way it was before. So I'm a little on guard, which also sets me on edge, as I don't like being like that with my friends... Something doesn't sit easy with me, and I don't like it. I'm not sure now we can be friends in the same way or even in the same way I am with my other friends. I guess watch this space.
On the other hand, it isn't just me. I was talking to Dr T over the weekend when we met up, and she was also saying that FT hadn't been in touch with her, and I think Dr T was feeling a bit 'picked up and put down when it suits' a bit like I was. And in fact it was her that suggested that FT could be a bit 'on her terms or not at all', and the general consensus is that we're both just going to get on with stuff and all that and if FT makes a suggestion on her terms which fits in nicely, then if we feel like it we'll roll with it, and if not, then we just carry on with our stuff.
I think that attitude in itself is sad, because I'd HATE to think any of my friends were like that with me, but I've been told I'm an exception to the rule and not like anyone else in putting my friends thoughts and feelings before my own so selflessly. Hell, it's me and I think that's a better quality. And I do know the real friends that matter will ALWAYS be there for me whenever I need them, whether convenient to themselves or not. And I love them for it. They know I'd lie my life down for them if it came to it.
One other thing FT said to me that really doesn't sit right with me came when I was opening up to her about some people I'm close to being so far away all over the country. I was really upset because two people especially who I miss and want to spend a LOT more of my time with, live something like 6 and 8 hours away by car, and it really upsets me. I was told that everybody has their own lives and there is no point getting so upset about them being so far away, apparently I should take her advice and find new friends nearer who I can do all the things with I miss with my other friends. I have friends local who I see and do things with. It doesn't stop me missing or really wanting to be with my other friends. I'm sorry, but if you don't know that about me, then you know nothing. That comment hurt and upset me. Yeah, I could fill every second of my time up with new local friends, and there would still be a hole in my heart where my best friend Doofus is, and where I want to be spening more time with her and someone else. That is an irreplaceable void. My point is I can pass the time of day, and keep myself busy, but I still miss them like hell, and still want to see more of them than I do. Fact.
My second heart to heart was with Doofus herself. With her imminent wedding... we have a date set now for 28th October 2009... Oh shit... I still need a plus one! You can take the piss Dr T, but it's not funny! Especially with my history with women (more later). Anyway, I basically opened up and told her just how much I miss her, and just how hard I find it that we're so far away and hardly see each other. I apologised for not seeing much of her for ages, and I hated it and told her how it destroyed me a little bit every day. If I'd have done it in person there would have been lots of tears and hugs. I apologised for not being the best at keeping in touch and how I tend to bury my head in the sand and maybe not call her as much as I want to because it reminds me how much I miss her and hurts even more. I explained it's no excuse and I didn't mean to be a complete cock about it, I just find it difficult.
Doofus knows me better than anyone, she probably knows exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling anyway. We will always be cool. I love her to death. No not in the 'I want your babies' way, but in the 'you're my sister' kinda way. I love you dude xxxxx.
On a complicated note, I just wanted to state fact and make it abundantly aware that I have this complete knack of falling head over heals for the wrong women! They either live too far away, or are in relationships, or appear to have absolutely no attraction to me like that in the slightest. And I certainly don't want to do anything to fuck anything up! It's all so shit and all so complicated! Damn and blast!
I'm off to watch Lost... just to confuse myself even further! LOL.
Wednesday 15 April 2009
What Exactly Do Ushers Do Anyway?
Doofus is Getting Married!!!
That's right, my bestest bud in the world ever, who has been there through thick and thin, and no matter how long between when we catch up, feels like nothing ever changes, my best friend is getting married!
I must say, when I first found out this was in the pipeline (bearing in mind Nicky told me he had bought the ring before he proposed), I was a little upset at first and worried. Not out of jealousy or anything like that, but I was upset because I'm so damn far away. And at the moment for me, it is really feeling like I'm so far away! And for the best friend it's a big thing! Doof is one of the few people who has stood by me, and despite being one of the judgemental people you're ever likely to me, she has always been there for me, with me, through everything and anything, with absolutely no judgement. I love her, and I miss the fact that life isn't how it was when we were in the same city every single day of my life. So the thought that I'm not there for all the wedding stuff and planning really upsets me.
I should be the one she talks to and asks advice from, and has driving her all over the place to find dresses and caterers and the like, and I should be planning the hen night! And the part that upsets me, is that if we were in the same city, that's exactly what would be happening. I just feel like as a best friend, I'm a complete let down because I'm not around! And to me, one of the worst things you can do is let down your friends and family and the people you love and care about. Fact is, with work and the like, there is little I can do to change that fact. I can't afford to drive or catch the train up to Darlo every weekend from London... I just can't afford it, and probably still wouldn't be able to even if we wasn't in a recession. It's all just crap.
That said though, this was really upsetting me before he actual proposal. However, Nicky proposed on Easter Sunday, in may I say, a really romantic way, and infact something which could probably even rival me in the romance stakes...
He had an easter egg made up with 'Will You Marry Me?' on it, wrapped it all up, and they headed off to the beach on Easter Sunday. Not expecting even an egg, he gave Doofus the wrapped up parcel to open. She opened it, read the egg, turning round to give him her answer, and he was down on one knee.
I mean, how romantic is that???
Of course she said yes!
So the fact is, she's asked me to be an usher at the wedding. Well, to be fair, she said I could do that or bridesmaid, and she already has 3 bridesmaids with sisters and things, and she felt I'd feel more comfortable not having to wear a poofy dress... Cheers Doof! How right you are! So I'll be there all suited and booted.
Oh shit... going off at a tangent, I'll need to find some new black shoes as mine are about 10 years old and past their best. Bollocks... I didn't think about that! I HATE shoe shopping!
Oh, and I get to bring a guest! Crap... no pressure there then! All I need now is to find a beautiful eligible woman to accompany me... anyone interested?
LOL
That's right, my bestest bud in the world ever, who has been there through thick and thin, and no matter how long between when we catch up, feels like nothing ever changes, my best friend is getting married!
I must say, when I first found out this was in the pipeline (bearing in mind Nicky told me he had bought the ring before he proposed), I was a little upset at first and worried. Not out of jealousy or anything like that, but I was upset because I'm so damn far away. And at the moment for me, it is really feeling like I'm so far away! And for the best friend it's a big thing! Doof is one of the few people who has stood by me, and despite being one of the judgemental people you're ever likely to me, she has always been there for me, with me, through everything and anything, with absolutely no judgement. I love her, and I miss the fact that life isn't how it was when we were in the same city every single day of my life. So the thought that I'm not there for all the wedding stuff and planning really upsets me.
I should be the one she talks to and asks advice from, and has driving her all over the place to find dresses and caterers and the like, and I should be planning the hen night! And the part that upsets me, is that if we were in the same city, that's exactly what would be happening. I just feel like as a best friend, I'm a complete let down because I'm not around! And to me, one of the worst things you can do is let down your friends and family and the people you love and care about. Fact is, with work and the like, there is little I can do to change that fact. I can't afford to drive or catch the train up to Darlo every weekend from London... I just can't afford it, and probably still wouldn't be able to even if we wasn't in a recession. It's all just crap.
That said though, this was really upsetting me before he actual proposal. However, Nicky proposed on Easter Sunday, in may I say, a really romantic way, and infact something which could probably even rival me in the romance stakes...
He had an easter egg made up with 'Will You Marry Me?' on it, wrapped it all up, and they headed off to the beach on Easter Sunday. Not expecting even an egg, he gave Doofus the wrapped up parcel to open. She opened it, read the egg, turning round to give him her answer, and he was down on one knee.
I mean, how romantic is that???
Of course she said yes!
So the fact is, she's asked me to be an usher at the wedding. Well, to be fair, she said I could do that or bridesmaid, and she already has 3 bridesmaids with sisters and things, and she felt I'd feel more comfortable not having to wear a poofy dress... Cheers Doof! How right you are! So I'll be there all suited and booted.
Oh shit... going off at a tangent, I'll need to find some new black shoes as mine are about 10 years old and past their best. Bollocks... I didn't think about that! I HATE shoe shopping!
Oh, and I get to bring a guest! Crap... no pressure there then! All I need now is to find a beautiful eligible woman to accompany me... anyone interested?
LOL
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