A Day of Reflection

Sometimes things happen, or pop back into the memory that put things into perspective. For me, today is one of those days.
It's been a day of remembering who I was, who I am now, and how I got here.

8 years ago today, someone very close to me was murdered. In all honesty, my reaction to it was to shut myself away and to not deal with it or allow any of it to enter into my mind.
I've never spoken about it, or even really dealt with it. Just shut it away as though it never happened. But I guess, somehow now, through the medium of my blog, it feels right to talk about it all.

His name was Chris, and he was the only 'boyfriend' I ever had. We were 'together' when we were kids, and it was a pretty up and down relationship, but ultimately, he was one of the loveliest, nicest guys you could ever hope to meet. I'm not going to address the fact that Chris was a guy and I'm now, an out and proud lesbian. Fact is this was way back in the day when I was in denial and hiding from my sexuality, and my growing attraction to women. My life was different back then, I was different back then. The fact remains, that he is the only guy I've ever been in a relationsip with, and was never in a sexual nature. The 'relationship' so to speak, is irelevant. It's not even about that. But I spent many years of my adolescence hanging around, as kids do, with Chris and his brother Phil, and they were two of the very best friends I've ever had.

There is, however, more to the story.

Chris and Phil's parents decided to move away from the estate on which we all grew up when we were teenagers, and for a large part, of course being young, there is nothing we could do to stop that. It was back in the days before mobile phones were the 'in thing', and back way back when the internet and surfing you thought was something out of the space time continum or belonged only at the seaside. And where they moved, and the age we were, was too far for us to see each other without the help of parents getting us there. And consequently, parents having their own lives, that didn't happen. And so, we pretty much lost contact.
My reaction to this was one of being completely distraught and not knowing how to cope with it. I couldn't cope with it. My whole world fell completely apart. Everything I'd known and trusted, was gone completely, and I couldn't cope. I still struggle with coping strategies for things now, so christ knows how I ever expected myself to cope then. But the fact is, as a kid, you can put things like that away and never deal with them. You don't have that luxury as an adult.
My response to coping and dealing with losing my two best friends, and the only person I'd ever loved, was to bury my head in my school work. I stopped hanging out, and evenings and weekends were spent either in my room, or sitting at the table reading or writing notes, and learning... anything scientific, I was interested in. That was my coping mechanism, for that and a number of things... and to be fair, it saw me to some good GCSE and A Level results, and a 2:1 degree in Biomedical Science, so it wasn't an approach completely in vain.

I can't even begin to put into words how I missed them though. Chris used to meet me and be waiting for me after school and things, and I didn't like life without him, or Phil.
And there were points in my life, I would have loved to have them around for. Like when my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, and underwent treatment, I was on my own, and times like that I missed them most. I could list a million and one things I missed about them, and thinking about it all now, I still miss it all and them, and wish things were so different. But unfortunately you can't live your lives on 'what ifs'.

I regret so much, that the day they left, I went out for the day. I couldn't be around in the house knowing they were moving, and everything I'd known was disappearing. I remember driving out down the road their house looked onto, and seeing the delivery truck and everything being packed up. I cried. Looking back on it all, and how I feel now, and felt after, I really regret the fact that I didn't step up to the plate and say how I felt and dealt with it then. Instead I ran away, and they probably thought I didn't give a shit anyway, which is about as far from the truth as you could get... I have to live with that forever, and it still upsets me to this day!

After they left, there were a few occasions when we kept in touch. I remember a knock at the door once, and I opened it, and standing there was Chris... not wearing glasses like he used to as a kid. It was only a fleeting visit as he was off and about somewhere, but it meant a lot. Even then I didn't have the balls to tell him I missed him!
And then, a few months after that, a knock at the door, and Phil was standing there, wearing glasses, although he never did as a kid. Once again it was only a fleeting visit, and I still didn't have the balls to say that I missed them.
So two opportunities I had to open up, and I choked. Can only imagine what they thought of me! First sign of things getting tough, and Luce runs! Nice one! Again, more regrets my end!
And I never forget, being indoors on New Years Eve of the Millennium, when the phone rings... it was Chris and Phil, ringing to wish me a happy new year. It was amazing. Really special.
I guess my regrets are that even after they moved, I was presented with opportunities to see them, and be part of each others lives, and for whatever reason, I let the obstacles get in the way. And I regret every day more than I like to admit, how that tears me apart.

Then the next thing I know, a year or so later, there is a knock at the door, from a neighbour, telling me the news that Chris had died. I don't know, the whole thing is a complete blur. Firstly, it was 8 year ago, and secondly, I was just in complete and utter shock. It was around the time of my A-Levels that it all happened, both his death and the funeral. I just didn't know what to do. Part of me really wanted to go and to be there, and go, and then part of me just couldn't cope. I was filled and tormented with regrets about the opportunities I'd had for us to once again be part of each others lives, and I'd let them slip away. And more's the point, I'd now lost any chance of that ever happening again. I didn't know how to deal with that. I couldn't go. I didn't go. The day of the funeral, and again on what would have been Chris' birthday, I spent with my school friends, trying to revise for my upcoming exams. It was just soul destroying. I didn't know what to do or how to cope. And I felt like I didn't have any right to let Phil know how I felt, because at ever single step of the way, I done nothing but run away.
I so regret not attending the funeral. That was one chance for me to try and do the right thing, and to pay my respects to someone I loved, and in all sincerity, never stopped loving. Even then I didn't have the courage to do that. I can't express how much I regret it.

I guess from then on, something inside me broke that day. I realised what my fear had done, and how it can have such an impact on my life. My focus from then on became channelled. I worked my arse off, and went to university. And more than that, I moved away from home and headed to Sheffield, something I'd never have had the courage to do earlier in my life. I stopped running from things. I had perspective, and I'd learnt and paid the ultimate sacrifice knowing exactly where my running away can lead. And I vowed never to do the same again.

The rest as they say, has led me to where I am today.

So why, you say. Why now choose to confront it and open up about it? And ultimately it boils down to one thing... Facebook.

You see, through facebook, I've got back in touch with Phil, and I really do hope to god that we can once again become very good friends. I don't think anyone realises just how big an impact he and Chris had on my life. And it's made me face my demons of pretending things are 100% OK, when in actual fact, I've never dealt with them, they've just been eating me up somewhere inside for the past what feels like 100 years.

Chris, you were one of my very best friends, and I can honestly say, hand on heart, the only guy I ever loved. The soppy sentimental in me still has some of the things you gave to me, and I mean more than just the memories. And every time I hear 'Right Here' by SWV... I always, always think of you. I'm sorry for running away, and I'm sorry for letting you down. It destroys me more than you know. I can't believe where the years have gone, and how much has passed. Truth is, I love you, always have, and always will! Rest in peace xxx