Come hell or high water, sometimes, somehow I hardly seem to find the time to update my blog these days.
Maybe again this is another revelation from my last post. Somehow the 'next step forward' in the story of my life. I guess that's why I'm here posting.
I feel so much better about things, and myself, and my life compared to where I was at a year ago. Even to where I was at 6 months ago... it feels like I'm breathing again. I can't explain it.
So the reason for the title of this post? Many I suppose. Firstly I guess I was reacquainted with the Brownstone track of the same name from the 90s and haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since. I guess more than that though... its probably the story of me, and relationships and my moving forward.
I've met THE most incredible lady. And it scares me to death.
I said for so long after FT and I broke up that I would never be able to feel like that about anyone ever again. And I guess in a way, I was right. But at the time, I never thought it would ever be possible to feel more than that. Her name is Sarah, and I am absolutely bessotted. I feel like the 'hopeless romantic' has been revived and rejuvenated, more in force than ever, like a jedi that has regained theie powers.
She walked into my life at a time when I wasn't looking, and I was for once, completely focused on me. She's amazing. I mean, I tend to fall into the traps of focusing solely on my partner and our relationship rather than giving any credulance to myself. It's not like that with her. I've never ever before felt like someone gives a genuine stuff about me like she does. It's so different to anything I've ever experienced before. I'm not saying that people before haven't cared about me or put me first, but not like Sarah does. She's got the similar approach to relationships as I have, and complete devotion to the other person. It's just so weird because I've never just felt like this before. I can't explain it. I can't put it into words. It's just so amazing.
No one has ever made me feel like this... it's so amazing, yet so scary all at the same time. I'm petrified because I've fallen head over heels for her. Moreso than I ever have before. Maybe that's because I know me and who I am and what I want and have to offer now more than I ever have before, and maybe because she's just so perfect, and we just 'get' each other and are completely on the same wavelength and hours we spend together feel like seconds literally. It's so bizarre.
All I know is that inspite of what I ever felt or thought before, my heart feels full and complete with her. And I know without a doubt that she's the one for me... I just hope to god she feels the same, and we fight the world together. She has me... I'm going nowhere!
I am completely scared though. Besides FT, I've never been intimate or slept with anyone ever. I mean, I've not even looked at anyone and felt remotely sexually attracted to them in any way. Sarah completely changed that. I don't think I've ever been so attracted to, or wanted someone so much in my whole life... but I'm so nervous. This is all so new to me. And new to her too. I thought that part of me was lost forever. I thought I'd never be turned on in that way again. It's so scary... it brings a completely new dimension to things when you are so completely into someone and want them so badly, both in the intimate way and the relationship sense. I'm petrified of things not being perfect or stuffing it up or doing something wrong.
This is all so new to me... bricking it isn't the word!
She's the light of my life, the air in my lungs, and the beating of my heart. She's the last thing I think of before sleep at night, and the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning. She makes me smile, and believe, and hope and trust... all the things I thought were lost. And she can't see how special she is to me. I love her. With all that I have and all that I am... I love her...
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Who Am I? Where Have I Been? What Happens Now?
I guess the main aim of this is to answer all of the above.
I've not posted in well over a year. There have been many reasons for this. It's very safe to say the 'me' from a year ago, is in no way the 'me' that sits here writing this post now.
The openness and honesty remains the same. The strength of character and outlook on myself and life is very different.
12 months ago, the fundamental thing that drove me on through difficult times in my life, were my friends and family, and maybe still the one woman in the world I loved, even if she no longer felt the same back. Now, things are remarkably different. In many ways, so long and so much has passed, that I can't even cover it all in a blog post.
It started in December 2007. Until then, I felt like I had a handle on things. My world was still turned upside down, but I felt like the people who loved me, and cared about me were at least there in some part. It was last December that all changed.
In the year that passed before December 2007, when FT decided she no longer wanted to be with me, I had put so much focus into not losing the most amazing person in my life. I fought tooth and nail, through the heartache and pain to make sure my best friend stayed part of my life, even if every second of it my heart was writhing in pain that she was no longer my girlfriend.
In December 2007 that all came to an end. She decided that it was doing me no good with us trying to be friends, and that we shouldn't have any contact anymore, whether that be forever or for a very long time until I got myself sorted out.
In hindsight, maybe she was right. But at the time, my world collapsed completely. And I hit rock bottom more than I have ever been before in my life. It was worse than when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. At least then I felt like she still loved me, and still cared, and I still meant something to her. This was completely different. The one person in the world, who I had shared more of me with than I even knew about myself, had decided she no longer wanted me as part of her life.
I didn't know how to cope. The thing about living in London, is that it can be an incredibly lonely place. And all of my friends are so far away. I've never felt so alone.
The only thing I had left was my family. But little did I know or appreciate that at the time, but that was to change forever as well.
The day after FT decided she wanted nothing to do with me, my cousin Chesney decided he no longer wanted to be part of our family and that he no longer wanted to live with us anymore. He turned violent towards myself and my parents, and ran away into police custody. So I felt like I'd lost my best friend and my little brother... and I had no one to talk to about it. I felt like I was heading deeper into rock bottom.
And what's more, my grandmother also disowned us because in her twisted mind she believed we had turned our back on Chesney. So I also lost the whole side of my mum's family, purely because no one crosses my Nan, and she was acting like we didn't exist.
I lost my whole safety net and support network in the space of a week, and my parents had their own crap to deal with.
I cried more tears in the month of December than I think I'd ever cried in my life before. I didn't sleep, and I drank to numb the pain. And all I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me they cared, and that it'd be OK somewhere down the line.
And losing FT, I also lost our labrador Spoons, who from the day she came into our life, she was as much my baby as FT's baby. It felt like losing a child.
I think the only reason I'm sitting here now and not dead is that even with my own loneliness, grief and misery, I could see how much pain my parents were in with Chesney's actions, and I could not add to that by taking my own life. Even if I felt like there was nothing to live for, and that I just wanted the pain to stop.
The only thing I could think to do, was give myself something to live for. Someone to think about other than myself, and someone else to love and protect. So, after much discussion and persuasion, I decided it was time to make one of my dreams come true. And to do it for myself. So along came my chocolate labrador puppy. Something I've wanted since the age of 14. She gave me focus, and direction. And made me look after myself to give her everything she needed. I decided to call her Kia, from a beter part of my life, when I travelled New Zealand, so she is half named from the Kiwi greeting 'kia ora'.
My life started picking up from then on. I still missed FT, particularly as the single parenting of a chocolate lab made me realise how incredible and how much easier it would have been with FT, just like we'd always said we wanted. But to be fair, I had no time for that.
Kia's 9 months old now, and she's been in my life for 8 months. I know it sounds a bit of a cliche, but she really has kept me going and turned my life around. It makes me sad sometimes, that she'll never get to play with Spoons, as I know in my heart they'd love each other, but someone wise once told me, you have to accept the things you cannot change. So ultimately, there is no answer to that.
As for FT and the loss of my family, I think I've finally learnt some strength of character and survival, even if ot does sounds harsh to the rest of the world.
As for my family, I didn't ask for any of this, and they are the ones who have disowned me and act like I'm no part of their life. And one thing I've learnt for myself from all this, is that you can't keep putting yourself out there and holding out for people, because the more it hurts when they let you down again. My family values are not selective, they are fixed and firm, and they don't change. If you are loyal to someone, you deserve loyalty back. And I can't act or pretend I am or believe in something else, or even accept certain behaviour to keep the peace. So if you want to appologise and start again... you know where I am, I am no different, I have not changed, but as for going back... well I think we've lost that.
As for FT, I've been through too many emotions to call. Besides the obvious pain, there's been anger and disappointment more than anything. I guess the hardest to come to terms with was the feeling of being taken advantage of and used. After being there and helping her find somewhere to live in London, and to move, and to spend time with when there were no friends around, I guess maybe just coincidence, but it upset me more that she seemed to come to the conclusion that us being friends was no good for either of us after I had helped her relocate and move. And I guess at a time when everthing turned to shit and I needed her more than ever.
At least personally it forced me to draw a line, that says enough is enough, I loved you more than anyone in the world ever could, but to be honest, I deserve to be treated better than this.
I'm sure she sees it very differently, but I guess that's what hurt and pain does.
I guess now I've learnt that hurt and pain breeds contempt and anger, and bitterness. And I'm so over that now.
I've moved on.
I didn't think I had. I guess I owe more than I can say to GT. He made me realise who I am, and made me realise I deserve better. Much better in my life all around. And to be honest, bless him, he doesn't have a bloody clue what he's done.
I work with GT and loads of other amazing people. But I've been very careful about my grief and who I open up to and when. We're quite a big team, and when I first started there, it was all in little groups. Now we're a big unit, a proper team, and we care about each other.
My big realisation came when I was working the night of GT's birthday drinks, which just so happened to be a couple of day's after FT's birthday, and just after my car accident and a really crappy time for me. Now GT can be a sarcastic blunt little sod, but bless him, he can be really sweet. He took me to one side and said something to me that no one had ever said before, and considering at that point I had a heart of ice, he comepletely melted me. He said:
We need to take you out and find you a woman, because you're an amazing person and you make people happy, and you need a nice woman, because you deserve to be happy.
And it was that one centence. That one conversation that made me realise exactly who I was, and what defined me, and that he was in fact completely right. For all the people that have come before, and gone for whatever their reason, it is their loss. I cannot change that. But I do deserve better, and I do deserve to be happy. I guess he made me realise that I needed to believe it was OK for me to want to be happy.
I've had a lot of ups and downs over this past year. And even more emotions. I've lost direction, found it again, and more besides, and well, belonging and confidence are building in abundance.
I've been through stages where I have thought it would just be so much easier if I was straight, but to be honest, with the best will in the world, I could never be with a man. There is no confusion or resolve there. I am gay, I accepted that a long time ago, and although that brings problems of its own for me, I will face them head on, and I will be smiling in the long run.
I hate that I fall into this awkward category of neither butch nor femme. I mean, I can do both, but neither really butch butch, nor neither femme femme. But it kinda makes me an anomalie in terms of being sought after by another lady. I guess just something I need to iron out!
The pros are, I can now talk about the past without my heart being ripped out of my backside. And I know I can never go back to how things were. But I don't want to... I want something better. And well, I don't feel like it's my loss anymore. With confidence comes arrogance!
My good friend Dr T is now talking to me as her agony aunt, and I was told on Friday I was really good at relationship advice... Her bf is really nice, and they make a good couple, if I can give her any pointers on how not to fuck it up like I did, then I'm gonna... seems to be working so far.
And as for me... well, let's just say GT and the ladies at work (DB, JV & RC) are taking it upon themselves to find me a lady... whether I'm looking or not! Am I scared... hell yes! JV is as mad as a fish, so she won't rest until she succeeds... but it's nice once to feel like I belong, and I'm so greatful to the guys at work for picking me up without even realising, to the three guys who have stood by me through it all... Doofus, Dr T & Lou.
Thank you is an understatement, but I love you guys!
And my baby Kia... I sound like a soppy fool, but she really is a tonic to me more than you could ever imagine a dog being. I'm so proud of her, and I'm doing my damndest to bring her up just like Spoonsie, and into the wonderful labro I know she has the potential to be!
For once, I'm happy, and consider myself lucky for all and everyone that I have.
It's not so bad to be me afterall!
I've not posted in well over a year. There have been many reasons for this. It's very safe to say the 'me' from a year ago, is in no way the 'me' that sits here writing this post now.
The openness and honesty remains the same. The strength of character and outlook on myself and life is very different.
12 months ago, the fundamental thing that drove me on through difficult times in my life, were my friends and family, and maybe still the one woman in the world I loved, even if she no longer felt the same back. Now, things are remarkably different. In many ways, so long and so much has passed, that I can't even cover it all in a blog post.
It started in December 2007. Until then, I felt like I had a handle on things. My world was still turned upside down, but I felt like the people who loved me, and cared about me were at least there in some part. It was last December that all changed.
In the year that passed before December 2007, when FT decided she no longer wanted to be with me, I had put so much focus into not losing the most amazing person in my life. I fought tooth and nail, through the heartache and pain to make sure my best friend stayed part of my life, even if every second of it my heart was writhing in pain that she was no longer my girlfriend.
In December 2007 that all came to an end. She decided that it was doing me no good with us trying to be friends, and that we shouldn't have any contact anymore, whether that be forever or for a very long time until I got myself sorted out.
In hindsight, maybe she was right. But at the time, my world collapsed completely. And I hit rock bottom more than I have ever been before in my life. It was worse than when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. At least then I felt like she still loved me, and still cared, and I still meant something to her. This was completely different. The one person in the world, who I had shared more of me with than I even knew about myself, had decided she no longer wanted me as part of her life.
I didn't know how to cope. The thing about living in London, is that it can be an incredibly lonely place. And all of my friends are so far away. I've never felt so alone.
The only thing I had left was my family. But little did I know or appreciate that at the time, but that was to change forever as well.
The day after FT decided she wanted nothing to do with me, my cousin Chesney decided he no longer wanted to be part of our family and that he no longer wanted to live with us anymore. He turned violent towards myself and my parents, and ran away into police custody. So I felt like I'd lost my best friend and my little brother... and I had no one to talk to about it. I felt like I was heading deeper into rock bottom.
And what's more, my grandmother also disowned us because in her twisted mind she believed we had turned our back on Chesney. So I also lost the whole side of my mum's family, purely because no one crosses my Nan, and she was acting like we didn't exist.
I lost my whole safety net and support network in the space of a week, and my parents had their own crap to deal with.
I cried more tears in the month of December than I think I'd ever cried in my life before. I didn't sleep, and I drank to numb the pain. And all I wanted was someone to hold me and tell me they cared, and that it'd be OK somewhere down the line.
And losing FT, I also lost our labrador Spoons, who from the day she came into our life, she was as much my baby as FT's baby. It felt like losing a child.
I think the only reason I'm sitting here now and not dead is that even with my own loneliness, grief and misery, I could see how much pain my parents were in with Chesney's actions, and I could not add to that by taking my own life. Even if I felt like there was nothing to live for, and that I just wanted the pain to stop.
The only thing I could think to do, was give myself something to live for. Someone to think about other than myself, and someone else to love and protect. So, after much discussion and persuasion, I decided it was time to make one of my dreams come true. And to do it for myself. So along came my chocolate labrador puppy. Something I've wanted since the age of 14. She gave me focus, and direction. And made me look after myself to give her everything she needed. I decided to call her Kia, from a beter part of my life, when I travelled New Zealand, so she is half named from the Kiwi greeting 'kia ora'.
My life started picking up from then on. I still missed FT, particularly as the single parenting of a chocolate lab made me realise how incredible and how much easier it would have been with FT, just like we'd always said we wanted. But to be fair, I had no time for that.
Kia's 9 months old now, and she's been in my life for 8 months. I know it sounds a bit of a cliche, but she really has kept me going and turned my life around. It makes me sad sometimes, that she'll never get to play with Spoons, as I know in my heart they'd love each other, but someone wise once told me, you have to accept the things you cannot change. So ultimately, there is no answer to that.
As for FT and the loss of my family, I think I've finally learnt some strength of character and survival, even if ot does sounds harsh to the rest of the world.
As for my family, I didn't ask for any of this, and they are the ones who have disowned me and act like I'm no part of their life. And one thing I've learnt for myself from all this, is that you can't keep putting yourself out there and holding out for people, because the more it hurts when they let you down again. My family values are not selective, they are fixed and firm, and they don't change. If you are loyal to someone, you deserve loyalty back. And I can't act or pretend I am or believe in something else, or even accept certain behaviour to keep the peace. So if you want to appologise and start again... you know where I am, I am no different, I have not changed, but as for going back... well I think we've lost that.
As for FT, I've been through too many emotions to call. Besides the obvious pain, there's been anger and disappointment more than anything. I guess the hardest to come to terms with was the feeling of being taken advantage of and used. After being there and helping her find somewhere to live in London, and to move, and to spend time with when there were no friends around, I guess maybe just coincidence, but it upset me more that she seemed to come to the conclusion that us being friends was no good for either of us after I had helped her relocate and move. And I guess at a time when everthing turned to shit and I needed her more than ever.
At least personally it forced me to draw a line, that says enough is enough, I loved you more than anyone in the world ever could, but to be honest, I deserve to be treated better than this.
I'm sure she sees it very differently, but I guess that's what hurt and pain does.
I guess now I've learnt that hurt and pain breeds contempt and anger, and bitterness. And I'm so over that now.
I've moved on.
I didn't think I had. I guess I owe more than I can say to GT. He made me realise who I am, and made me realise I deserve better. Much better in my life all around. And to be honest, bless him, he doesn't have a bloody clue what he's done.
I work with GT and loads of other amazing people. But I've been very careful about my grief and who I open up to and when. We're quite a big team, and when I first started there, it was all in little groups. Now we're a big unit, a proper team, and we care about each other.
My big realisation came when I was working the night of GT's birthday drinks, which just so happened to be a couple of day's after FT's birthday, and just after my car accident and a really crappy time for me. Now GT can be a sarcastic blunt little sod, but bless him, he can be really sweet. He took me to one side and said something to me that no one had ever said before, and considering at that point I had a heart of ice, he comepletely melted me. He said:
We need to take you out and find you a woman, because you're an amazing person and you make people happy, and you need a nice woman, because you deserve to be happy.
And it was that one centence. That one conversation that made me realise exactly who I was, and what defined me, and that he was in fact completely right. For all the people that have come before, and gone for whatever their reason, it is their loss. I cannot change that. But I do deserve better, and I do deserve to be happy. I guess he made me realise that I needed to believe it was OK for me to want to be happy.
I've had a lot of ups and downs over this past year. And even more emotions. I've lost direction, found it again, and more besides, and well, belonging and confidence are building in abundance.
I've been through stages where I have thought it would just be so much easier if I was straight, but to be honest, with the best will in the world, I could never be with a man. There is no confusion or resolve there. I am gay, I accepted that a long time ago, and although that brings problems of its own for me, I will face them head on, and I will be smiling in the long run.
I hate that I fall into this awkward category of neither butch nor femme. I mean, I can do both, but neither really butch butch, nor neither femme femme. But it kinda makes me an anomalie in terms of being sought after by another lady. I guess just something I need to iron out!
The pros are, I can now talk about the past without my heart being ripped out of my backside. And I know I can never go back to how things were. But I don't want to... I want something better. And well, I don't feel like it's my loss anymore. With confidence comes arrogance!
My good friend Dr T is now talking to me as her agony aunt, and I was told on Friday I was really good at relationship advice... Her bf is really nice, and they make a good couple, if I can give her any pointers on how not to fuck it up like I did, then I'm gonna... seems to be working so far.
And as for me... well, let's just say GT and the ladies at work (DB, JV & RC) are taking it upon themselves to find me a lady... whether I'm looking or not! Am I scared... hell yes! JV is as mad as a fish, so she won't rest until she succeeds... but it's nice once to feel like I belong, and I'm so greatful to the guys at work for picking me up without even realising, to the three guys who have stood by me through it all... Doofus, Dr T & Lou.
Thank you is an understatement, but I love you guys!
And my baby Kia... I sound like a soppy fool, but she really is a tonic to me more than you could ever imagine a dog being. I'm so proud of her, and I'm doing my damndest to bring her up just like Spoonsie, and into the wonderful labro I know she has the potential to be!
For once, I'm happy, and consider myself lucky for all and everyone that I have.
It's not so bad to be me afterall!
Saturday, 7 July 2007
A Poem Called... Time - a meeting of head, heart & soul
Trying to find the words,
I'm not usually stuck.
I can see all sides clearly now,
As much as it hurts.
Suddenly my mind is pounding.
My heart and soul aching.
So many issues,
I feel like so little time.
I don't want to rush,
I want to do it right.
My head untangling,
My soul still bare as the night.
I know somewhere you still feel the way you used to.
I see it in your eyes.
I know it scares you.
But I know you can't handle this right now.
I can't blame you for that.
But I'm scared,
More than I've ever been afraid in my whole life.
I'm scared tomorrow will be too late.
I hated the person I was.
You deserved better.
I'm learning to like the person I'm becoming.
But I can't change completely today.
I'm scared she'll arrive too late.
I don't want to live in fear.
I just want to love you like in my heart and soul!
Please, someone. Just press pause until she gets here!
I'm not usually stuck.
I can see all sides clearly now,
As much as it hurts.
Suddenly my mind is pounding.
My heart and soul aching.
So many issues,
I feel like so little time.
I don't want to rush,
I want to do it right.
My head untangling,
My soul still bare as the night.
I know somewhere you still feel the way you used to.
I see it in your eyes.
I know it scares you.
But I know you can't handle this right now.
I can't blame you for that.
But I'm scared,
More than I've ever been afraid in my whole life.
I'm scared tomorrow will be too late.
I hated the person I was.
You deserved better.
I'm learning to like the person I'm becoming.
But I can't change completely today.
I'm scared she'll arrive too late.
I don't want to live in fear.
I just want to love you like in my heart and soul!
Please, someone. Just press pause until she gets here!
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Why Can't You Be Like This All The Time?
I've had a mad busy week or so of ups and downs. So much so, that I still don't know where I am right now... and more than that, I think I know where I'm at even less than I did before if that's possible!
I've had a couple of 'discussions' with my mother since I last posted. Which to be fair, was like going over the same thing over and over again. Feeling like each time I explain why I find it hard to communicate, and just why I'm in my own head trying to sort things out, and that I'm sorry she feels like I don't let her in. The truth is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to discuss what I'm doing to sort myself out, I don't know how to explain it. It's painful to try and go into details about my counselling or what approaches I'm trying, or even how I'm working through them, and they make perfect sense at the time, yet I am struggling, or I feel like I am, but I can't explain how.
Regardless of that, I am trying to let her know I'm at least trying to work through things, and I've explained I'm doing things the best way I know how and in the only way that feels right for me to survive. Part of my counselling will be not to look at the negative of the possibility, or probability of us having the same conversation again in a few weeks, which I'm finding quite hard right now.
Regarding the counselling, I've been having a hell of a time with it this week. And I only get 6-8 sessions, and this was number 4, so there was I trying to space them out, when my counsellor thinks it isn't a good idea just yet until she feels sure I'm not struggling too much with the thought records, so we're on again for next week! Don't get me wrong, I think that's good, I mean, if I need the support, then it's a great thing that it's there when I need it, I'm just a little upset at how much I'm struggling and having difficulty. In some ways I'm not entirely sure I'm making any improvements to speak of, that aren't circumstantial.
That, and the longer I go on, and the more I look into things, the more issues I'm finding that I've got, and I need to tackle this one to deal with that one, and I'm getting a concertina effect.
We identified today that I have a chronic and debilitating fear of rejection. The point of that is that it impacts virtually everything I say and do. And it's worse with people I care more about. And the best bit of all this? Is that it stems from a trust issue. It would seem, regardless of how I feel, or what I do, or what I say, there is a huge part of me that doesn't trust completely. Yeah, there are still people I trust more than others, with as much of me as I am able to give, but part of me somewhere, subconsciously for some reason, is completely scared and doesn't trust entirely. At least, it would appear, not to the same extent as fully functioning human beings.
When you consider that trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship, whether family, romantic or friendship, then I'm screwed really!
And I don't know what to do about it, or how to fix it. My counsellor, Kate, said that there is no magic formula to it, it's all about taking a risk. But I'm so scared. I hate how it feels to be alone, and rejected, and not wanted, or to really really want something but not be able to have it. That's what I try to protect myself from.
I just feel right now like I've set sail in this boat on the path to sorting out all the difficulties I had, and I just keep finding new ones, and I'm in a complete storm, and it's so rocky, and I'm completely off course, and I don't know where to go, or what to do next.
I have such huge self confidence issues. And I mean completely huge. And I don't know what to do to get rid of them. I can see this super confident, sexy, beautiful woman I want to be, and I know full well that it will change how people see me and look at me, but I can't get there, I can't be it. I just don't know what to do. I can't make people see the me that I really am. And I can't be that me long for long enough to change anything, to convince people, to convince me, to make a difference. And each reversion back is just completely demoralising. I feel like I keep trying, but it's just not enough.
I had a 'moment' on Saturday night. This moment of the 'me' I want to be. The 'me' I really am inside. And more than that. I saw just for a second the real difference it makes. I just try and try and try, and I can't keep it. I don't know how.
I'd gone to my school reunion. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy! None of my old school friends were there, just acquaintences really, and I wasn't really friendly or popular at school. I suppose in my new mind, that was all the more reason to make the effort and go. To show everyone who I am now. That I'm not who I was then, that I'm proud to be me. FT came with me for some support, which was lovely. And it touched me when she commented that I'd be the first to do it for her or anyone else, so she was happy to do something that I really wanted in return. She was also quite right in saying it's a step I wouldn't have made 6 months ago, and so was a big thing for me. I hadn't really looked at it like that until then. And although I felt like a bit of a sour lemon, and didn't really have anyone to talk to or catch up with, and was disappointed at how some women can revert back to being 14 again just by attending a school reunion, I didn't make a fool of myself. I made a fair effort, and then called it a night and headed home without complaint or fear or embarasment.
We had a moment, sitting down having a drink and chatting, it wasn't even anything big, or anything special, or no real effort or trying or anything like that. I saw something in FT I hadn't seen in a while. It was like that starry eyed look you have when you're in love, and just completely happy in a moment. And she said to me 'why can't you be like this all the time? We really get on when you're like this'. And it's true. So completely true.
And it's the question I sak myself every day, and seem to struggle so seemlessly to find the fucking answer to. That's the me I want to be. The me that makes her feel like that. The me that is completely comfortable with myself, and completely confident in a moment, and unphased by life. Because inside, that's the me I see in there. And what really frustrates me, is that's the 'me' I know she's still in love with, and feels like that special way about. I know that's the me that gets under her skin and into her head, and it infuriates her to the point of complete distraction. I know it's still there!
I know it, because that's the effect she has on me.
I just can't seem to 'be' that side of me for long enough. Be the person I want to be. And what makes it worse, is that now it feels like I've left it too late to trust completely, in the way that I thought I was doing the first time round, because I'm scared of how to pick myself up when it hurts.
There's just so much to work on, and it hurts so much to be me right now. I don't know what to do next, or how to do it.
I've had a couple of 'discussions' with my mother since I last posted. Which to be fair, was like going over the same thing over and over again. Feeling like each time I explain why I find it hard to communicate, and just why I'm in my own head trying to sort things out, and that I'm sorry she feels like I don't let her in. The truth is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to discuss what I'm doing to sort myself out, I don't know how to explain it. It's painful to try and go into details about my counselling or what approaches I'm trying, or even how I'm working through them, and they make perfect sense at the time, yet I am struggling, or I feel like I am, but I can't explain how.
Regardless of that, I am trying to let her know I'm at least trying to work through things, and I've explained I'm doing things the best way I know how and in the only way that feels right for me to survive. Part of my counselling will be not to look at the negative of the possibility, or probability of us having the same conversation again in a few weeks, which I'm finding quite hard right now.
Regarding the counselling, I've been having a hell of a time with it this week. And I only get 6-8 sessions, and this was number 4, so there was I trying to space them out, when my counsellor thinks it isn't a good idea just yet until she feels sure I'm not struggling too much with the thought records, so we're on again for next week! Don't get me wrong, I think that's good, I mean, if I need the support, then it's a great thing that it's there when I need it, I'm just a little upset at how much I'm struggling and having difficulty. In some ways I'm not entirely sure I'm making any improvements to speak of, that aren't circumstantial.
That, and the longer I go on, and the more I look into things, the more issues I'm finding that I've got, and I need to tackle this one to deal with that one, and I'm getting a concertina effect.
We identified today that I have a chronic and debilitating fear of rejection. The point of that is that it impacts virtually everything I say and do. And it's worse with people I care more about. And the best bit of all this? Is that it stems from a trust issue. It would seem, regardless of how I feel, or what I do, or what I say, there is a huge part of me that doesn't trust completely. Yeah, there are still people I trust more than others, with as much of me as I am able to give, but part of me somewhere, subconsciously for some reason, is completely scared and doesn't trust entirely. At least, it would appear, not to the same extent as fully functioning human beings.
When you consider that trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship, whether family, romantic or friendship, then I'm screwed really!
And I don't know what to do about it, or how to fix it. My counsellor, Kate, said that there is no magic formula to it, it's all about taking a risk. But I'm so scared. I hate how it feels to be alone, and rejected, and not wanted, or to really really want something but not be able to have it. That's what I try to protect myself from.
I just feel right now like I've set sail in this boat on the path to sorting out all the difficulties I had, and I just keep finding new ones, and I'm in a complete storm, and it's so rocky, and I'm completely off course, and I don't know where to go, or what to do next.
I have such huge self confidence issues. And I mean completely huge. And I don't know what to do to get rid of them. I can see this super confident, sexy, beautiful woman I want to be, and I know full well that it will change how people see me and look at me, but I can't get there, I can't be it. I just don't know what to do. I can't make people see the me that I really am. And I can't be that me long for long enough to change anything, to convince people, to convince me, to make a difference. And each reversion back is just completely demoralising. I feel like I keep trying, but it's just not enough.
I had a 'moment' on Saturday night. This moment of the 'me' I want to be. The 'me' I really am inside. And more than that. I saw just for a second the real difference it makes. I just try and try and try, and I can't keep it. I don't know how.
I'd gone to my school reunion. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy! None of my old school friends were there, just acquaintences really, and I wasn't really friendly or popular at school. I suppose in my new mind, that was all the more reason to make the effort and go. To show everyone who I am now. That I'm not who I was then, that I'm proud to be me. FT came with me for some support, which was lovely. And it touched me when she commented that I'd be the first to do it for her or anyone else, so she was happy to do something that I really wanted in return. She was also quite right in saying it's a step I wouldn't have made 6 months ago, and so was a big thing for me. I hadn't really looked at it like that until then. And although I felt like a bit of a sour lemon, and didn't really have anyone to talk to or catch up with, and was disappointed at how some women can revert back to being 14 again just by attending a school reunion, I didn't make a fool of myself. I made a fair effort, and then called it a night and headed home without complaint or fear or embarasment.
We had a moment, sitting down having a drink and chatting, it wasn't even anything big, or anything special, or no real effort or trying or anything like that. I saw something in FT I hadn't seen in a while. It was like that starry eyed look you have when you're in love, and just completely happy in a moment. And she said to me 'why can't you be like this all the time? We really get on when you're like this'. And it's true. So completely true.
And it's the question I sak myself every day, and seem to struggle so seemlessly to find the fucking answer to. That's the me I want to be. The me that makes her feel like that. The me that is completely comfortable with myself, and completely confident in a moment, and unphased by life. Because inside, that's the me I see in there. And what really frustrates me, is that's the 'me' I know she's still in love with, and feels like that special way about. I know that's the me that gets under her skin and into her head, and it infuriates her to the point of complete distraction. I know it's still there!
I know it, because that's the effect she has on me.
I just can't seem to 'be' that side of me for long enough. Be the person I want to be. And what makes it worse, is that now it feels like I've left it too late to trust completely, in the way that I thought I was doing the first time round, because I'm scared of how to pick myself up when it hurts.
There's just so much to work on, and it hurts so much to be me right now. I don't know what to do next, or how to do it.
Friday, 29 June 2007
Who Am I?
I don't know who I am right now.
I don't like the person coming out to the world. And I don't know how to change it. The more I look at me, the more I see all my faults and all my inadequacies. The bits that put people off. Then the more I hate me.
I don't have faith anymore. I don't have faith in me, or in the rest of the world. I don't have faith in the knowledge that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Unhelpful thinking it might be, but I feel like it's based on experience.
I feel like when I do have faith in someone or something, and trust it, it all just ends up further and further away from me.
I say nothing and they back away. And then I do, and it's all too late and they've backed away anyway.
And I'm the only one left with it.
I hate it.
I don't feel beautiful, or desirable, or sexy or wanted. I feel like it gets less and less. I know it's as much self perception as how the world sees, but the more the world doesn't see it. Or the more it feels like people that did see it don't see it no more, the less I see it myself. Especially when it feels like there's nothing I can do to change it.
I feel like I'm standing in front of the world wanting to be noticed. So much to give. Yet it's not enough, or it's not right. Everything I have.
I want to be loved. I want arms around me, holding me tight. I want to be kissed. Because I'm me, and because someone out there wants me. I want to be desired and made love to. Because someone finds me sexy and wants me.
You can't do that to yourself. So even if I did love myself, I would still feel empty.
I just want to feel again.
Like I have something to offer. Like I'm noticed in the right ways for being me, rather than being dismissed for all the grief I bring or because of past misdemeanours.
It seems I've learnt nothing. I don't know where to go from here.
You never get what you want in life.
I just... don't matter.
I don't like the person coming out to the world. And I don't know how to change it. The more I look at me, the more I see all my faults and all my inadequacies. The bits that put people off. Then the more I hate me.
I don't have faith anymore. I don't have faith in me, or in the rest of the world. I don't have faith in the knowledge that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Unhelpful thinking it might be, but I feel like it's based on experience.
I feel like when I do have faith in someone or something, and trust it, it all just ends up further and further away from me.
I say nothing and they back away. And then I do, and it's all too late and they've backed away anyway.
And I'm the only one left with it.
I hate it.
I don't feel beautiful, or desirable, or sexy or wanted. I feel like it gets less and less. I know it's as much self perception as how the world sees, but the more the world doesn't see it. Or the more it feels like people that did see it don't see it no more, the less I see it myself. Especially when it feels like there's nothing I can do to change it.
I feel like I'm standing in front of the world wanting to be noticed. So much to give. Yet it's not enough, or it's not right. Everything I have.
I want to be loved. I want arms around me, holding me tight. I want to be kissed. Because I'm me, and because someone out there wants me. I want to be desired and made love to. Because someone finds me sexy and wants me.
You can't do that to yourself. So even if I did love myself, I would still feel empty.
I just want to feel again.
Like I have something to offer. Like I'm noticed in the right ways for being me, rather than being dismissed for all the grief I bring or because of past misdemeanours.
It seems I've learnt nothing. I don't know where to go from here.
You never get what you want in life.
I just... don't matter.
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Run
So I know I haven't posted in a while. Kinda working on the proviso that every spare second I get at the computer should be spent looking for jobs and not recounting what has happened. Now I have spent a good few hours this morning applying for jobs. And a friend of mine, Kaz, has asked her boss if I can go and do some unpaid lab work to get some scientific experience... all good for the CV.
So I'm posting.
When I set this up I never intended for it to be all about the difficult periods in my life, and excluding the positive optimistic ones. I've just been busy.
I've started seeing a counsellor. Which is brilliant. I was feeling loads more positive that I was actually doing something proactive finally to get my head into gear, or at least give me the tools to in future life. So I've had workbooks to do, and programmes to work through. I've been doing that in every spare moment too - making as much of it as possible - working on it longer than the suggested time, being thorough... trying to get as much out of it as possible. I went into my last counselling session feeling heaps more positive than I had been doing, even though I hadn't really achieved that much.
I've opened up to FT about some of the biggest things that ever happened to me in my life. Things I should have said before, but forgot about, and didn't know how to say.
I think it's fair to say I've had a life reflection. And it's hurt like hell thinking about how I wanted her to know all this about me already, and how I blew my chance big time. I'm trying not to hate myself for it. I'm trying to take the chances I get now. I'm trying not to assume I've sent her running in the opposite direction completely. I have so much more I want to say. I want to share. It hurts.
So why do I feel right now that the only thing good for me to do would be to just run away and disappear? I feel like if I carry on, I'll do something stupid.
I feel like I don't belong to my family anymore. Everyone is different with me, and I feel like everyone thinks bad of me, and just tollerates me. And I know it's because my Mum has ranted, or mentioned things I've done which she views as selfish or doesn't agree with.
I feel like I can't be here anymore. Like I'm not here. Like I'm not wanted.
I suppose I've been feeling like it for a few weeks. I don't want to talk to her about it, because all we ever do is cover the same ground over and over. I can't be who or how she wants me to be. I'm not that person anymore. I just can't take the feeling of being punished for it. It's more than getting to me. I can't cope. I really can't. But I know if I run and walk out, then I'll never come back. It'll make it awkward for everyone, and it'll hurt me knowing that not having me around upsets them. So I'll avoid them. And I'll just walk out on everyone.
And part of me really wants to do it.
I want to turn my phone off, throw it away. Get in the car and drive. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just run away. And then abandon the car so I'll never be traced.
I want to walk away from my family and never come back. I just really can't cope anymore. With all this. I feel like it's killing me, and I don't know what to do. I've tried to be strong. I put on this act. I'm tired of acting anymore. Pretending everything is OK, or will be OK.
The only thing stopping me from running, is FT. I still love her and am more in love with her than I ever believed possible. Even after everything. Even with hurting everyday. It doesn't go away, not ever. I love her, and I want her in my life. Without that, I really would just run and disappear.
I've been going to this counsellor, and I'm supposed to be dealing with 'unhelpful thinking' this week. Like the 'it's all my fault' scenario, and 'no one likes me' etc. That kind of thing. So I'm round my Nan's yesterday, who I am convinced is depressed, and am quite upset by my mum's 'oh you get on with it, i'm washing my hands' approach to her, as I know from personal experience (when all these problems between us really started), that doesn't help at all, it makes it worse. When my mum comes round and basically says that what with my Nan, my Dad, Chesney and me, we've pushed her to breaking point since christmas. And we've made her depressed, and she doesn't know how much more she can take.
So apparently, I am completely to blame, and it is all my fault. She can't see for a single second I'm doing what I have to to survive, and if I did things her way I would probably kill myself because I tried and it didn't work, and oh yeah, I did try to kill myself. She just makes me feel like I'm the source of all her problems, and life really would be better if I wasn't around.
I don't believe on treading on other people to pick yourself up when you're down. And that's what she's done. I haven't asked for any help. in fact, I've distanced myself more and more so I'm not putting on her. She does virtually nothing motherly for me anymore at all. She's stopped the financial support, cooking, including me in family trips out unless I specifically ask to go and then it's under duress - and all of this is without even talking to me about it. It all came on from when I explained that I couldn't do things her way and she either backed off and let me live my life my way, or risked losing any relationship between us. She's cut me dead since then.
And she has everyone dependent on her, so they follow suit so as not to upset her.
I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. I really do. I feel like a disappointment, like I don't matter. Like my feelings are insignificant. And I do all I can to get out of the house and get away from it, because frankly, it hurts being in that environment.
But this doesn't mess with my head. No. Of course not. FT and I can't be together right now (and let's face it, you can't wonder why when I'm like this) and I want to be with her more than anything in the world. And I'm not wanted as the person I am by my family.
Tell me what there is to live for again? Fuck it, I just want to run!
So I'm posting.
When I set this up I never intended for it to be all about the difficult periods in my life, and excluding the positive optimistic ones. I've just been busy.
I've started seeing a counsellor. Which is brilliant. I was feeling loads more positive that I was actually doing something proactive finally to get my head into gear, or at least give me the tools to in future life. So I've had workbooks to do, and programmes to work through. I've been doing that in every spare moment too - making as much of it as possible - working on it longer than the suggested time, being thorough... trying to get as much out of it as possible. I went into my last counselling session feeling heaps more positive than I had been doing, even though I hadn't really achieved that much.
I've opened up to FT about some of the biggest things that ever happened to me in my life. Things I should have said before, but forgot about, and didn't know how to say.
I think it's fair to say I've had a life reflection. And it's hurt like hell thinking about how I wanted her to know all this about me already, and how I blew my chance big time. I'm trying not to hate myself for it. I'm trying to take the chances I get now. I'm trying not to assume I've sent her running in the opposite direction completely. I have so much more I want to say. I want to share. It hurts.
So why do I feel right now that the only thing good for me to do would be to just run away and disappear? I feel like if I carry on, I'll do something stupid.
I feel like I don't belong to my family anymore. Everyone is different with me, and I feel like everyone thinks bad of me, and just tollerates me. And I know it's because my Mum has ranted, or mentioned things I've done which she views as selfish or doesn't agree with.
I feel like I can't be here anymore. Like I'm not here. Like I'm not wanted.
I suppose I've been feeling like it for a few weeks. I don't want to talk to her about it, because all we ever do is cover the same ground over and over. I can't be who or how she wants me to be. I'm not that person anymore. I just can't take the feeling of being punished for it. It's more than getting to me. I can't cope. I really can't. But I know if I run and walk out, then I'll never come back. It'll make it awkward for everyone, and it'll hurt me knowing that not having me around upsets them. So I'll avoid them. And I'll just walk out on everyone.
And part of me really wants to do it.
I want to turn my phone off, throw it away. Get in the car and drive. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just run away. And then abandon the car so I'll never be traced.
I want to walk away from my family and never come back. I just really can't cope anymore. With all this. I feel like it's killing me, and I don't know what to do. I've tried to be strong. I put on this act. I'm tired of acting anymore. Pretending everything is OK, or will be OK.
The only thing stopping me from running, is FT. I still love her and am more in love with her than I ever believed possible. Even after everything. Even with hurting everyday. It doesn't go away, not ever. I love her, and I want her in my life. Without that, I really would just run and disappear.
I've been going to this counsellor, and I'm supposed to be dealing with 'unhelpful thinking' this week. Like the 'it's all my fault' scenario, and 'no one likes me' etc. That kind of thing. So I'm round my Nan's yesterday, who I am convinced is depressed, and am quite upset by my mum's 'oh you get on with it, i'm washing my hands' approach to her, as I know from personal experience (when all these problems between us really started), that doesn't help at all, it makes it worse. When my mum comes round and basically says that what with my Nan, my Dad, Chesney and me, we've pushed her to breaking point since christmas. And we've made her depressed, and she doesn't know how much more she can take.
So apparently, I am completely to blame, and it is all my fault. She can't see for a single second I'm doing what I have to to survive, and if I did things her way I would probably kill myself because I tried and it didn't work, and oh yeah, I did try to kill myself. She just makes me feel like I'm the source of all her problems, and life really would be better if I wasn't around.
I don't believe on treading on other people to pick yourself up when you're down. And that's what she's done. I haven't asked for any help. in fact, I've distanced myself more and more so I'm not putting on her. She does virtually nothing motherly for me anymore at all. She's stopped the financial support, cooking, including me in family trips out unless I specifically ask to go and then it's under duress - and all of this is without even talking to me about it. It all came on from when I explained that I couldn't do things her way and she either backed off and let me live my life my way, or risked losing any relationship between us. She's cut me dead since then.
And she has everyone dependent on her, so they follow suit so as not to upset her.
I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. I really do. I feel like a disappointment, like I don't matter. Like my feelings are insignificant. And I do all I can to get out of the house and get away from it, because frankly, it hurts being in that environment.
But this doesn't mess with my head. No. Of course not. FT and I can't be together right now (and let's face it, you can't wonder why when I'm like this) and I want to be with her more than anything in the world. And I'm not wanted as the person I am by my family.
Tell me what there is to live for again? Fuck it, I just want to run!
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Articulation
I'm not sure I know how to articulate myself right now. Things have just gone crazy again. I'm not sure I know how to deal with it all. And all the while, I keep telling myself 'hang in there' and 'keep going'. But for what? I don't know.
I still hate living at home. Things maybe aren't as bad as they were last week. Judging by the fact that I'm not spending hours a day crying into my pillow at the magnitude of what is my shit life. I just don't know what I want. Or maybe I do, and I just can't see myself getting there. Maybe the easier thing to do is just to give up without trying, seeing as right now I don't feel like a day passes without a new vision of war wounds upon my already destroyed soul.
In truth, I want to run away. Get away from it all. Just being here reminds me constantly of what a glorified fuck up I am. It was supposed to feel like being in a place where I was loved no matter what. Where I could be me, and do my own thing, and just have people around who cared and loved me for me. In actuality, it's not like that at all. I'm in a place where I just feel like I'm not wanted unless I'm someone else. Unless I'm someone different. Which, when you have tendancies to wish you was anyone but yourself to fix your pityful excuse of a life, is not what you need. I'd rather be anyone but me most of the time.
And all the pointing out of my good qualities, and things that I've got going for me, just don't seem to cut the mustard.
'You're kind, loving, caring, generous, honest, dependable, reliable, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, etc etc' But let's face it, I can't be that great, because FT and I aren't together anymore, so I can't be that perfect. But then there are reasons for that, which I completely understand. But then it should stand to reason, that if I have all these qualities, and I'm that 'wonderful' being at home shouldn't be like it is right now. But it is, which leads me to the ultimate conclusion that people just say I'm great and stuff to make me feel better, when the reality is what I've always felt, that I'm not great, and not worth pissing on if I was on fire, and FT deserves someone better, and I'm just a complete disappointment, and my mother deserves a better daughter.
Granted, I've not had much, but I have had enough of the professional guidance to know that self worth, and importance and things need to come from within. But there's only so much I can take, thinking 'you know what, I am a good person, and FT will never find anyone better, and I do bend over backwards for people, and I am all of the above'. But sometimes, when everyone's attitude and reactions point otherwise, it is hard to actually believe what you know inside to be right.
It seems easier to run away. And if I didn't think it'd lead me to a road of stupidity, I would.
Deep down, I know I'm a wonderful incredible person, and I have a lot to offer the world. But sometimes, it is nice to feel that other people think that too.
I suppose right now, my self resolve is weakening, and I don't know how to get it back. If indeed I can at all.
Someone very sensible once said 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'. And I agree entirely.
I don't think I ever really appreciated my relationship with FT until it and she wasn't there in the same capacity anymore. Which is a suicide factor in the world of relationships. But you can go over the 'if only's' and the 'what if's' forever.
I don't think I ever really appreciated the importance of my family in my life until right now when everything seems incredibly different, and not like it used to be at all.
But everyone has me the same as always. I'm still around to do stuff for the family as and when they need it. I'll still bend over backwards to try and remain part of the fold, even if I do get a touch of the cold shoulder and resentment because I juggle that around living my life the way I want to these days, something I never did as a kid. I've made a rod for my own back there!
FT and I had a discussion on the phone the other night. She pretty much said she wishes she had the opportunity to miss me. By that, not meaning that she doesn't, but just the fact that me being me, I'm always around in the same capacity that I always have been. I still do sweet things, and put myself out, and bend over backwards and do absolutely anything and everything that I think will make her happy. Not that that's a bad thing, but she's always had it in her life since I walked into it. She said she doesn't know what it would feel like not to have that. It's back the the 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' scenario, and for FT, it's never been gone. So I think she thinks she maybe doesn't know how much she has, or values me or what we had, because I'm not really much different.
We've agreed to try a complete 'no affection' and 'complete hands off' approach for now. She says it might give her a kick as to what she is missing, rather than us not being together, but always having the security and knowing that I'll always be there to bend over backwards no matter what happens, whenever the chips are down.
I know it needs to happen, and it is the right thing to do. And if there is ever to be any future for us ever in the future, then this is definetely what needs to happen for it to occur. I think it'll do us both the world of good. I need reminding that I am a wonderful person, and that I do do absolutely anything and everything in my power to achieve her happiness. And I think we both need reminding of that, and just making damn sure that it is something that no one else in the world would ever be able to give. Of that I am certain.
I just wish that right now everything else wasn't so crap. I wish that I could believe better in myself and what I have to offer. I'm scared because this is the time that I need to show my strength, and what I have to offer, and all that I am, and that it is great and there is no one in the world ever that could love and give like I do. I'm scared shitless because everything right now just has me feeling like I am an absolute waster and disappointment and not worth spitting on if I were on fire.
I'm scared because I have everything to lose all over again. I'm scared because if I feel like that deep down right now, then that's what I'm going to project to the world, and it will only ultimately serve to show FT that in actual fact, she's missing nothing.
Her feelings are as mixed as mine are. It's all just a mess. I don't know how to be with the 'hands off, just strictly friends' approach. Purely because everything I have ever done and said has only ever been out of complete and utter love. So to try and equate that to the same sort of reaction to Doofus, who is my bestest friend, I'm at a loss. The truth is, I'm not that good-a-friend. If I don't feel in the mood, or can't be bothered, I won't be. Yet for FT, I jump even if I'm not in the mood. I don't put myself out to go and see them, or call them and stuff, maybe not as much as they'd like. I'm crap at giving advice, unless it meets my opinion. If I can't afford to do something, I don't make the effort, I don't go. I rarely say 'sod the money'. In fact, I can't think of a scenario when I have actually been a good friend when someone needed me. And these are people I love and care about. Maybe my mother has it right!
I just feel like I have nothing. And no one to talk to. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be not coping. I want to be who I really am inside, or would be if I didn't feel such a pariah to people who are supposed to care about me: a suave, sexy, independent, confident, caring, honest, dependable, loving, seductive, mysterious woman. They're the bits I want to portray to the world. The bits I want FT to remember she misses. I'm just scared that by the time I can get my head around this emotional abuse, it will all be too late.
I still hate living at home. Things maybe aren't as bad as they were last week. Judging by the fact that I'm not spending hours a day crying into my pillow at the magnitude of what is my shit life. I just don't know what I want. Or maybe I do, and I just can't see myself getting there. Maybe the easier thing to do is just to give up without trying, seeing as right now I don't feel like a day passes without a new vision of war wounds upon my already destroyed soul.
In truth, I want to run away. Get away from it all. Just being here reminds me constantly of what a glorified fuck up I am. It was supposed to feel like being in a place where I was loved no matter what. Where I could be me, and do my own thing, and just have people around who cared and loved me for me. In actuality, it's not like that at all. I'm in a place where I just feel like I'm not wanted unless I'm someone else. Unless I'm someone different. Which, when you have tendancies to wish you was anyone but yourself to fix your pityful excuse of a life, is not what you need. I'd rather be anyone but me most of the time.
And all the pointing out of my good qualities, and things that I've got going for me, just don't seem to cut the mustard.
'You're kind, loving, caring, generous, honest, dependable, reliable, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, etc etc' But let's face it, I can't be that great, because FT and I aren't together anymore, so I can't be that perfect. But then there are reasons for that, which I completely understand. But then it should stand to reason, that if I have all these qualities, and I'm that 'wonderful' being at home shouldn't be like it is right now. But it is, which leads me to the ultimate conclusion that people just say I'm great and stuff to make me feel better, when the reality is what I've always felt, that I'm not great, and not worth pissing on if I was on fire, and FT deserves someone better, and I'm just a complete disappointment, and my mother deserves a better daughter.
Granted, I've not had much, but I have had enough of the professional guidance to know that self worth, and importance and things need to come from within. But there's only so much I can take, thinking 'you know what, I am a good person, and FT will never find anyone better, and I do bend over backwards for people, and I am all of the above'. But sometimes, when everyone's attitude and reactions point otherwise, it is hard to actually believe what you know inside to be right.
It seems easier to run away. And if I didn't think it'd lead me to a road of stupidity, I would.
Deep down, I know I'm a wonderful incredible person, and I have a lot to offer the world. But sometimes, it is nice to feel that other people think that too.
I suppose right now, my self resolve is weakening, and I don't know how to get it back. If indeed I can at all.
Someone very sensible once said 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'. And I agree entirely.
I don't think I ever really appreciated my relationship with FT until it and she wasn't there in the same capacity anymore. Which is a suicide factor in the world of relationships. But you can go over the 'if only's' and the 'what if's' forever.
I don't think I ever really appreciated the importance of my family in my life until right now when everything seems incredibly different, and not like it used to be at all.
But everyone has me the same as always. I'm still around to do stuff for the family as and when they need it. I'll still bend over backwards to try and remain part of the fold, even if I do get a touch of the cold shoulder and resentment because I juggle that around living my life the way I want to these days, something I never did as a kid. I've made a rod for my own back there!
FT and I had a discussion on the phone the other night. She pretty much said she wishes she had the opportunity to miss me. By that, not meaning that she doesn't, but just the fact that me being me, I'm always around in the same capacity that I always have been. I still do sweet things, and put myself out, and bend over backwards and do absolutely anything and everything that I think will make her happy. Not that that's a bad thing, but she's always had it in her life since I walked into it. She said she doesn't know what it would feel like not to have that. It's back the the 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' scenario, and for FT, it's never been gone. So I think she thinks she maybe doesn't know how much she has, or values me or what we had, because I'm not really much different.
We've agreed to try a complete 'no affection' and 'complete hands off' approach for now. She says it might give her a kick as to what she is missing, rather than us not being together, but always having the security and knowing that I'll always be there to bend over backwards no matter what happens, whenever the chips are down.
I know it needs to happen, and it is the right thing to do. And if there is ever to be any future for us ever in the future, then this is definetely what needs to happen for it to occur. I think it'll do us both the world of good. I need reminding that I am a wonderful person, and that I do do absolutely anything and everything in my power to achieve her happiness. And I think we both need reminding of that, and just making damn sure that it is something that no one else in the world would ever be able to give. Of that I am certain.
I just wish that right now everything else wasn't so crap. I wish that I could believe better in myself and what I have to offer. I'm scared because this is the time that I need to show my strength, and what I have to offer, and all that I am, and that it is great and there is no one in the world ever that could love and give like I do. I'm scared shitless because everything right now just has me feeling like I am an absolute waster and disappointment and not worth spitting on if I were on fire.
I'm scared because I have everything to lose all over again. I'm scared because if I feel like that deep down right now, then that's what I'm going to project to the world, and it will only ultimately serve to show FT that in actual fact, she's missing nothing.
Her feelings are as mixed as mine are. It's all just a mess. I don't know how to be with the 'hands off, just strictly friends' approach. Purely because everything I have ever done and said has only ever been out of complete and utter love. So to try and equate that to the same sort of reaction to Doofus, who is my bestest friend, I'm at a loss. The truth is, I'm not that good-a-friend. If I don't feel in the mood, or can't be bothered, I won't be. Yet for FT, I jump even if I'm not in the mood. I don't put myself out to go and see them, or call them and stuff, maybe not as much as they'd like. I'm crap at giving advice, unless it meets my opinion. If I can't afford to do something, I don't make the effort, I don't go. I rarely say 'sod the money'. In fact, I can't think of a scenario when I have actually been a good friend when someone needed me. And these are people I love and care about. Maybe my mother has it right!
I just feel like I have nothing. And no one to talk to. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be not coping. I want to be who I really am inside, or would be if I didn't feel such a pariah to people who are supposed to care about me: a suave, sexy, independent, confident, caring, honest, dependable, loving, seductive, mysterious woman. They're the bits I want to portray to the world. The bits I want FT to remember she misses. I'm just scared that by the time I can get my head around this emotional abuse, it will all be too late.
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