Who Am I?

I don't know who I am right now.
I don't like the person coming out to the world. And I don't know how to change it. The more I look at me, the more I see all my faults and all my inadequacies. The bits that put people off. Then the more I hate me.
I don't have faith anymore. I don't have faith in me, or in the rest of the world. I don't have faith in the knowledge that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Unhelpful thinking it might be, but I feel like it's based on experience.
I feel like when I do have faith in someone or something, and trust it, it all just ends up further and further away from me.
I say nothing and they back away. And then I do, and it's all too late and they've backed away anyway.
And I'm the only one left with it.
I hate it.

I don't feel beautiful, or desirable, or sexy or wanted. I feel like it gets less and less. I know it's as much self perception as how the world sees, but the more the world doesn't see it. Or the more it feels like people that did see it don't see it no more, the less I see it myself. Especially when it feels like there's nothing I can do to change it.

I feel like I'm standing in front of the world wanting to be noticed. So much to give. Yet it's not enough, or it's not right. Everything I have.
I want to be loved. I want arms around me, holding me tight. I want to be kissed. Because I'm me, and because someone out there wants me. I want to be desired and made love to. Because someone finds me sexy and wants me.
You can't do that to yourself. So even if I did love myself, I would still feel empty.
I just want to feel again.
Like I have something to offer. Like I'm noticed in the right ways for being me, rather than being dismissed for all the grief I bring or because of past misdemeanours.

It seems I've learnt nothing. I don't know where to go from here.
You never get what you want in life.

I just... don't matter.