An Ode to GT...

Now I'm not sure if you write an ode as a poem, or whether it can be whatever the hell you want it to be, but that was what I wanted to call this post, so I did.

I've had a week to take all this is, and to think about how I feel and how I'm coping and things, so on reflection of my thoughts and feelings, I decided to make a post.

As people may or may not know, GT or Gareth to the ICS crew, was one of my close friends from work. And it seemed like it was happening for ages, but GT left our department to move on and work for a new trust, so he no longer works with me or the team. People come and go you might say, but GT is one special guy, and I didn't want events to pass without commenting on them.

You see, for all his ways, GT, in my eyes, is and forever will be a legend. He was on the panel that interviewed me and is largely responsible with me getting the job. But more than that. There's only about a year and a half between us in age, and to be fair, GT has been like a big brother and a mentor to me throughout my working in ICS. So to say 'I miss him' is a complete understatement.
So as a tribute to GT, I thought I'd list a heap of stuff the guy does and is all about, and what I miss most about him already:

• There is no one more dedicated an OT than this guy, he's a complete grafter, there is no cutting corners, if it needs being done, then it is done. Simple.
• He trusts you and listens to you, which is a hell of a lot more respect than a lot of people give you in this day and age.
• What you see is what you get. Yes, he can be a bit of a gobshite and a bit loose lipped, but I think me above everyone in the team is one of the only people who was on his wavelength and one of the only people he never ever upset.
• He trusts me and has faith in my abilities, whether it be computer technical or patient related and for that mate, I lift my hat and say thank you, I'll not let you down.
• We have a similar piss taking sense of humour... so I'll miss not having my buddy around to join forces with when stupidity creeps in.
• He's loud and says it as it is. You can only have respect for that, and it's something I'll miss.
• He's my tutor for technical things and for footie, and my inspiration to be taken into the world of gadgets... if I ever get an iphone, GT is the man to call!
• He can only drink about 2.5 pints and then he's pissed... I can out drink the guy, but he is a HILARIOUS drunk!

I think most of all, GT has a sensitivity and dedication most people miss with him, but which I picked up on and respected, and will miss more than anything. He instinctively knew when I was down and not coping with things after FT and I were not talking. He put his arm round me, and said 'you deserve to be with and find someone special, because you're lovely and you deserve to be happy'. The guy knew what to say and exactly how to say it. And for that GT, I love you mate. It had an effect on me no one else had.

And more than that, my first day into work after my Nan died, I was on the late shift, so in the office for 2pm. He was there, waiting for me to arrive, he was the first person to come up to me, put his arm round me and give me a hug, tell me how sorry he was, and ask if I was OK or if there was anything he could do. I was speechless. That single act meant more to me than he knows.

So now he doesn't work with us anymore, and I miss him like hell. I miss his loudness and his gobshite ways. I miss his pictures on the wall, even the one of the dodgy salmon jumper. I miss his sleepy misdemeanour on a Monday morning. His hyperactivity when he ate chocolate. I miss his hard work, and his support, and the feeling of being part of the team. He's just one of them people who is the lynchpin of things. And GT being the modest little swine (yeah right) that he is, does honestly believe he'll be forgotten. The fact is, no mate, you won't be. Yeah, things change and you move on, but you'll never ever be forgotten.

So a week ago Thursday gone was his last day. We had pizzas for lunch in the office. The head of department gave her regular 'poem' when someone leaves. But this time, instead of pure humour and good will, was a complete touching emotional tinge to it too. That shows how important GT is and how he will be missed. We gave him his card, and Nintendo DS i for a present. He loved it. He had to choke back the tears. I had to leave the room with tears in mine.

I left early that day, to meet a friend for a drink. When I left, I put my arm around him, gave him a hug and said, 'thank you for the opportunity, the support and the belief, good luck with everything mate, the new job, the baby and the wedding. You'll make a great Dad, and Camden don't know how lucky they are. It has been an absolute pleasure working with you, and I'll really miss you'.

I meant it. GT is one of a kind, and one in a million. I don't cope with change well at all, so it feels like part of me is missing without him around. I miss you GT, you're a great guy. And we'll still go out, and I'll still drink your hairy ass under the table! Love you dude, and honestly, it really has been a complete pleasure!

Mad Dogs & Englishmen!

Let me first start by wishing everyone a 'Happy St George's Day', for all the Englishmen out there. I have no idea why, because to be fair, it's a complete waste of a 'saint's day' as it's not something that is ever really celebrated here in England... it's weird really. I mean, I'm probably as patriotic as the next guy... I stand up and sing the national anthem and have been known to have a tear in my eye when it's been played when we have one something internationally, but I think even St George's Day might be taking it a little too far.

I am absolutely exhausted. My shifts have been completely up the wall this week, and it's been my first full week back after annual leave, so I think it's taking it's toll. Plus the fact I'm only getting one day off this weekend, and hence one lie in. But even for that I think I'm going shoe shopping for some black shoes for my Doofus' wedding in October.
I am paranoid that the usher is going to look a complete and utter dick! And shoes are something I struggle with! To put it into perspective, the ones I were now are some Dr Martens I bought about 12 years ago, and haven't been made for years, or I'd simply buy another pair.

OK, so the term 'Mad Dog' comes from the fact it was Kia's first week back at puppy school since I had her neutered a couple of weeks ago. And she has been a right challenging cow. Let's just say she's trying to exert some authority and is having problems understanding she'd not head of the pack. It to be fair though, is nothing I can't handle.
She is one lovely labrador though... you can't help but love her!

To be honest, I'm so tired and bored this evening, I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm beside myself. There's nothing happening and nothing going on... think I might go for a lie down on the bed for a bit.

I Need In Built CCTV!

I swear in the name of God, or whatever supernatural being there is out there looking over us, that cyclists on London roads have it in for me!

Can I first start with a much needed outburst (anyone under the age of 16 please look away now). Bollocks, Shit, twat is, fuck!!!
That's better... I just needed to get out some stress!

I swear, on the way home from work tonight, I could quite easily, and purely accidentally in manners which would not have been my fault, have knocked about 6 of the mad fuckers off their bikes! Trouble is, everyone by default thinks it's my 'bad driving'. Which is why I need somehow to mount my camcorder onto the dashboard of my car so it can record what the mad people do!

I won't go on, but I'll point out a few things that have happened:

1. I've had some bikes undertake me while I have been slowing down to turn left into a road, whilst indicating, so had I turned and not looked I'd have hit them. I mean, why would you undertake a car that was indicating to turn right into a road? Suicide mission.
2. I've had a bike overtake me by driving in a right turning lane (hence I could have assumed he was turning right and carried on driving and I would have hit him) pulling away at traffic lights, only to cut across 2 lanes of forward moving cars on his left, to move three lanes over to be next to the kerb.
3. Coincidentally this idiot ran a red light at pedestrian traffic lights and nearly hit some poor guy crossing the road.
4. Then I had some idiot creep up between me and a bus on my left, the bus was indicating to pull out right, so I had stopped to let him out, the bike decided he wanted to try and squeeze through, then was almost squashed against my car by the bus.
5. At one point I couldn't move as I was surrounded by about 5 sodding bikes and couldn' t move, being overtook, undertook, they were swerving all over the road, even coming off from the pavement. It was that bad, stopping wasn't an option as one of them probably would have gone into the back of my car. It was literally like close your eyes and hope for the best... they were nearly crashing into each other for christ's sake.

The worst thing is, I've been here before... had one of them gone into my car, or if I hadn't been able to stop, then it all would have been my fault. The were even swinging in and out of moving cars right in front of a police bike, and they done nothing!

That's not safe practice or even following the highway code... yet the police do nothing. You might think, well if they want to drive like that, like idiots and stuff then it's their lives they are putting on the line. Trouble is, I know from personal experience the fact is this:

• As a driver, it's you that the fault lies with, because they view it that you should have been able to avoid the situation. No matter what they do, the 'professionals' view it that you should be able to expect and predict them to do the unexpected. Fact is, to a large extent, maybe you can, but some things are unexpected, and how the hell can you judge and predict what 5 of the fuckers are doing all at once, and before you know it, there is another one to contend with. But alas, the injury is greater to them if there is impact, hence lies the sympathy card.
• Also, it's fucking distressing to be in any sort of collision like that, it knocks your confidence makes you feel terrible, and after some nutter turned into the back of my car I'm now paranoid about the thought of the same thing happening again, and how you really can't predict what they will do, no matter how much you try.
• Thirdly, the blame lies with you. They may tell you that it's 50 50, but it is always deemed that you could have avoided the situation, so therefore you are the one more responsible. Therefore you end up with some nutter cyclist, who drives like a moron on LSD claiming some bumped up injury claim off of your insurance, for which you have to foot the bill for. Coincidentally if it was the cyclist's fault and the police take their heads out of their arse and come to that conclusion, cyclists aren't insured anyway, so you end up paying out on your insurance to fix the damage to your car anyway, and you still are traumatised from the event!
• And, if you are at fault, then the liklihood is you get points on your licence and a fine, or you can attend a 'driver improvement course' which I might add, you have to pay for!

So honestly, what do you do? They are a menace and hazard. I might add however I don't have a problem with all cyclists. The ones that follow the highway code and drive in a safe manner which doesn't pose a danger or obstruction to drivers on the road, I have no objection with, and have upmost respect for. I do however have a problem with cyclists which do the things stated above. Honestly, I have no problem if you want to drive like a nut and kill yourselves, fact is it'll just be more of you dangerous people off the road, but it never ends there for the drivers, we end up paying and get screwed hand over fist in the long run. And no, it's not fair.

A few questions:

Why is it that if a car jumps a red light they get fined or ticketed or arrested, but if a cyclist does it there is no penalty?

Why do cars pay road tax and cyclists don't contribute when the quality of the road surface is more important for them as they swerve dips and pot holes and things when cars can ride straight on through?

Why do they have no insurance? Surely for their own safety and piece of mind as well as that of other drivers on the road in event of damage or accident, surely the same insurance rules should apply? I mean, who repairs the damage if one of them scratches the side of your car whilst creeping up between you and the kerb or you and the bus?

Fact is this country just isn't designed for cycles on the roads. Well London certainly isn't as much as that knob head former mayor Ken Livingstone tried to portray. We're not living in Holland where there is ample space and consideration for cycles, this country and this city is simply too big to cope with cycles on the roads!

Settle For Nothing

OK, so I'm not the most experienced in the world, and I'm not professing to have the answers to everything, or to be right in everything I do, but if I have learnt one thing from the life experiences is to 'settle for nothing'.
If you feel like something is getting you down, or if you're being treated in a way you're less than happy with, whoever it is, then stop bitching about it and do something about it.

I've spent far too long thinking to myself 'I wish she wouldn't do that', or 'I'm not happy with that situation', all the while going along with it and saying nothing... then eventually, I might reach a point where enough is enough, but by that point it's too late, and I tend to errupt.

So on springs me into a few heart to hearts of late with some of my friends. For completely different reasons, but that said, both situations which didn't sit happy in my heart and had been festering away. I'm not going to destroy myself like that anymore.

The first was a discussion with FT. Yes, OK, so we're trying to be friends, which is cool, and I've missed her in my life, and I want her to be my friend. I still want to open up to her and to talk to her, which is the reason for trying to find the best way for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, if I've learnt anything over the past few months, particularly from her behaviour resulting in this discussion, I've learnt that there under all certainty could never ever be any form of a relationship between us. She's too self centered which is abundantly evident these days. I'm not sure if it's got worse, or I had rose tinted spectacles on before, but the sad fact is, everything is on her terms. Which if that's the way it has to be, then fine, but I'm not bending over backwards to accomodate you anymore. I feel like the more you give, the worse it gets. And even as a 'friend', to be fair, even though I've wanted to call her and catch up with her over a drink or a meal or a movie or something, I haven't asked. I've learned the hard way that I get hurt a lot more if the venue isn't to her liking, then instead of compromise, the event turns into a no go, and she'll fill up that time seeing one of her other friends instead. And that hurts. Not just because it's her, I'd be the same with any of my friends. So sometimes it's easier and pain free to say no and put some distance. I guess my main issue is that we had gotten quite close, and were opening up to each other for a while... she was talking to me about her mum suffering with depression, and I was opening up to her over the problems I was having over Sarah being a psycho. And that was nice. But she started 'seeing' someone she met while away skiing in America. Again, it's her life, and even if I think the situation is a little weird in which to have a 'relationship', it's her decision. I was merely upset, because instead of telling me about it, she just changed her facebook status and never mentioned to me she was 'in a complicated relationship'.
Now I'd go apeshit of any of my friends had done the same. And I was upset because I'd really opened up to her over the Sarah side of things. So after a substantial amount of silence and no mention of her new 'relationship', I was hurt that it felt like my openess and trust had been taken the piss out of and wasn't reciprocated.
We discussed it. She apologised and agreed to talk to me, and we wanted to be friends, and understood that mistakes had been made, and they wouldn't happen again.
The sad fact is I still feel now like I'm not entirely sure if my trust can be placed there in the same way it was before. So I'm a little on guard, which also sets me on edge, as I don't like being like that with my friends... Something doesn't sit easy with me, and I don't like it. I'm not sure now we can be friends in the same way or even in the same way I am with my other friends. I guess watch this space.
On the other hand, it isn't just me. I was talking to Dr T over the weekend when we met up, and she was also saying that FT hadn't been in touch with her, and I think Dr T was feeling a bit 'picked up and put down when it suits' a bit like I was. And in fact it was her that suggested that FT could be a bit 'on her terms or not at all', and the general consensus is that we're both just going to get on with stuff and all that and if FT makes a suggestion on her terms which fits in nicely, then if we feel like it we'll roll with it, and if not, then we just carry on with our stuff.
I think that attitude in itself is sad, because I'd HATE to think any of my friends were like that with me, but I've been told I'm an exception to the rule and not like anyone else in putting my friends thoughts and feelings before my own so selflessly. Hell, it's me and I think that's a better quality. And I do know the real friends that matter will ALWAYS be there for me whenever I need them, whether convenient to themselves or not. And I love them for it. They know I'd lie my life down for them if it came to it.

One other thing FT said to me that really doesn't sit right with me came when I was opening up to her about some people I'm close to being so far away all over the country. I was really upset because two people especially who I miss and want to spend a LOT more of my time with, live something like 6 and 8 hours away by car, and it really upsets me. I was told that everybody has their own lives and there is no point getting so upset about them being so far away, apparently I should take her advice and find new friends nearer who I can do all the things with I miss with my other friends. I have friends local who I see and do things with. It doesn't stop me missing or really wanting to be with my other friends. I'm sorry, but if you don't know that about me, then you know nothing. That comment hurt and upset me. Yeah, I could fill every second of my time up with new local friends, and there would still be a hole in my heart where my best friend Doofus is, and where I want to be spening more time with her and someone else. That is an irreplaceable void. My point is I can pass the time of day, and keep myself busy, but I still miss them like hell, and still want to see more of them than I do. Fact.

My second heart to heart was with Doofus herself. With her imminent wedding... we have a date set now for 28th October 2009... Oh shit... I still need a plus one! You can take the piss Dr T, but it's not funny! Especially with my history with women (more later). Anyway, I basically opened up and told her just how much I miss her, and just how hard I find it that we're so far away and hardly see each other. I apologised for not seeing much of her for ages, and I hated it and told her how it destroyed me a little bit every day. If I'd have done it in person there would have been lots of tears and hugs. I apologised for not being the best at keeping in touch and how I tend to bury my head in the sand and maybe not call her as much as I want to because it reminds me how much I miss her and hurts even more. I explained it's no excuse and I didn't mean to be a complete cock about it, I just find it difficult.
Doofus knows me better than anyone, she probably knows exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling anyway. We will always be cool. I love her to death. No not in the 'I want your babies' way, but in the 'you're my sister' kinda way. I love you dude xxxxx.

On a complicated note, I just wanted to state fact and make it abundantly aware that I have this complete knack of falling head over heals for the wrong women! They either live too far away, or are in relationships, or appear to have absolutely no attraction to me like that in the slightest. And I certainly don't want to do anything to fuck anything up! It's all so shit and all so complicated! Damn and blast!

I'm off to watch Lost... just to confuse myself even further! LOL.

What Exactly Do Ushers Do Anyway?

Doofus is Getting Married!!!

That's right, my bestest bud in the world ever, who has been there through thick and thin, and no matter how long between when we catch up, feels like nothing ever changes, my best friend is getting married!
I must say, when I first found out this was in the pipeline (bearing in mind Nicky told me he had bought the ring before he proposed), I was a little upset at first and worried. Not out of jealousy or anything like that, but I was upset because I'm so damn far away. And at the moment for me, it is really feeling like I'm so far away! And for the best friend it's a big thing! Doof is one of the few people who has stood by me, and despite being one of the judgemental people you're ever likely to me, she has always been there for me, with me, through everything and anything, with absolutely no judgement. I love her, and I miss the fact that life isn't how it was when we were in the same city every single day of my life. So the thought that I'm not there for all the wedding stuff and planning really upsets me.
I should be the one she talks to and asks advice from, and has driving her all over the place to find dresses and caterers and the like, and I should be planning the hen night! And the part that upsets me, is that if we were in the same city, that's exactly what would be happening. I just feel like as a best friend, I'm a complete let down because I'm not around! And to me, one of the worst things you can do is let down your friends and family and the people you love and care about. Fact is, with work and the like, there is little I can do to change that fact. I can't afford to drive or catch the train up to Darlo every weekend from London... I just can't afford it, and probably still wouldn't be able to even if we wasn't in a recession. It's all just crap.

That said though, this was really upsetting me before he actual proposal. However, Nicky proposed on Easter Sunday, in may I say, a really romantic way, and infact something which could probably even rival me in the romance stakes...
He had an easter egg made up with 'Will You Marry Me?' on it, wrapped it all up, and they headed off to the beach on Easter Sunday. Not expecting even an egg, he gave Doofus the wrapped up parcel to open. She opened it, read the egg, turning round to give him her answer, and he was down on one knee.
I mean, how romantic is that???

Of course she said yes!

So the fact is, she's asked me to be an usher at the wedding. Well, to be fair, she said I could do that or bridesmaid, and she already has 3 bridesmaids with sisters and things, and she felt I'd feel more comfortable not having to wear a poofy dress... Cheers Doof! How right you are! So I'll be there all suited and booted.
Oh shit... going off at a tangent, I'll need to find some new black shoes as mine are about 10 years old and past their best. Bollocks... I didn't think about that! I HATE shoe shopping!
Oh, and I get to bring a guest! Crap... no pressure there then! All I need now is to find a beautiful eligible woman to accompany me... anyone interested?
LOL

Race For Life 2009

I have a bug bear about this. It's something that means a lot to me, but might not to other people. Last year, I ran TWO 5km race for lifes, and raised getting on for £200 for Cancer Research.
This year I have gone out of my way to get as many people involved as possible. Trying to get as many friends to run it with me as possible. It means a lot to me. It means an awful lot to me.
Should I have to explain exactly why? There are people who have agreed to run it with me, entrance fee paid and starter pack all recieved. They have now booked a holiday to start the day before the race is due.
OK, so it was an accident. Forgot the race was on that day. I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that they won't be there, or the fact that upon discussion of the fact afterwards they said 'well, to be fair, even if I had known and remembered it was on that day, I still would have booked the holiday, because if it was a choice between 2 weeks away and a run round a park, then the holiday wins.'
It's two fucking weeks. What, you can't sacrifice a single day for something that's important to someone you say is supposedly important in your life? Admittedly now it's booked and is non-refundable, but there was no need for the calous way of saying the holiday would win out anyway. Not to someone you supposedly class as your friend.
There's no discussing it. She doesn't see my point at all. It's like talking to a brick wall.
Yet apparently I 'should say why it is so important to me to help her understanding'.

Should I need to? Why? If I say anything now you just think I'm saying it to make you feel guilty. Should I have told everyone I've apparently 'rail-roaded' into applying the exact reason why it is so important for me to run it, and have as many people I care about there running it with me? Why, so they can feel sorry for me and run with me out of pity, and not really because they want to? OK, so I'm a complete knob, but I don't work like that. Most people can see it's important to me, and that's good enough for them. Let's face it, there are few things I get on my soap box passionate about.
So I'm running race for life this year, to raise money for Cancer Research. Because I've had people in my life suffer from cancer, die from cancer. I spent modules at university studying the disease and treatment of it. Because I want funds to be there for cures and treatments for people I care about in the future. And I want as many of my friends and people I care about, and who love and care about me to be there and run it with me, because I had a cancer scare last year. It terrified me, and to be honest, I thought I wouldn't get the opportunity to run a race for life with all my friends together ever. So it's important to me because I'm OK, and this year, I have that chance and didn't want to waste it.
Why didn't I say anything? Because I didn't want it to be about me. I wanted it to be about the cause.
No one else has asked why it is so important to me. It obviously doesn't matter to them. It's simply enough that it is for a good cause, and it's something important that I have asked them to do.

Am I pissed? Yes. Am I upset? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Does any of it matter? No. You want the truth? Well, OK. It feels like I always come last with you. I can honestly say that none of my other friends would have been so blunt about not being able to do it. I'm not unreasonable, things happen. But fact is, we've been down this road before. I feel like if ever we do anything, it is always on your terms. And I don't honestly believe that if the person you're visiting on holiday and my situation were reversed, that she would have suffered the same fate as me. Doctor T came over to see me just for a coffee late one Saturday because I was upset about Sarah. She was with Dan and it interrupted her evening, but she still came. I feel like our history gets in the way of things. I get the impression you think 'Luce will be cool with it or get over it' because we have a history. It doesn't work like that anymore.
You say I'm the one that's said 'no' when you suggested doing things recently. Yes, I have, not because I don't want to do the things, but because I think I deserve a bit better than an afterthought when there's no one else around or nothing better going on, and that's how it feels. And I honestly would rather sit in my room and cry or watch a shit DVD than feel like that.

Truth is, I love you, and you are one of my best friends, but sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth the shit off your shoe, and that's no way to feel. Maybe if we have some space again, then you'll miss not having me around or talking to me, and will actually want to hang out and do stuff with me. And if not, then I guess you won't notice anyway, and well, I guess I deserve better in a friend. And yeah, it will hurt, and I'll miss you like hell and there will be a void in my life that no one else could ever fill, but that has to be better than missing you and wanting to do stuff with you, but not feeling like it's as important to you.

So enjoy your holiday, and I'll enjoy my race for life. And I promise, if next year comes around, and even if it is really important to me, I won't ask you to participate, I don't want to have any obstacles in the way of our friendship... and if me feeling hurt is one of them, then I'll take that out of the equation.

And The Benefits of a 4 Day Weekend Were...

I cannot believe I'm back to work tomorrow! I cannot believe I've had 4 days off work, and I've felt pretty much like crap the whole time.
So you could say then, that the cold has lasted the whole weekend. I was really pretty ill on Friday and Saturday. This is the first cold I've had for pretty much a year, so it kinda knocked me for six... I've been pretty much healthy even when all around me have had full on flu and things. So I guess in many ways I've been lucky.
So where am I now? I'm at the semi-congested stage, with a sore red nose from wiping it and blowing it continually (it's not pretty). Well, actually, it's a white nose at the minute... covered in sudocrem to try and put a bit of moisture back into the skin (laugh all you want, it helps and doesn't matter because I'm not going anywhere). But unfortunately, it's turning to my chest, and being asthmatic, that's like 'oh shit'!
The coughs are a-coming and everything I eat feels like it collects on my chest... which isn't good.

And I'm back to work tomorrow. I'm not going to pull a sicky, because to be fair, I did do stuff at the weekend, so I can't really use the 'I'm not well enough' card... I have a conscience.

The up side is, doesed up on Sudafed and paracetamol, I went to watch the Quins play Hull FC at the Stoop on Saturday evening, as per my season ticket. And we won, which was good. Only trouble was I had a sore throat and felt lousy, so I couldn't yell at the Referee (bloody Silverwood for all league fans), who was an absolute knob. Still, look, look...two fingers up to you matie, we still won! And I would just like to pubically applaud Danny Orr for not missing a single kick again... have we found the kicker we so badly needed? Legend!
Anyway, enough of that... I felt a little better Saturday night, so I decided to go to my aunt and uncles and go watch my cousin's son on Sunday morning play rugby. He's only 9, and this is his first season, and he absolutely loves it.
It was worth all my pain when his little eyes completely lit up when I arrived to watch him train. And for a wee might, and a right little munchkin, he's actually pretty damn good! So I just want to say now, Go Tyler! We've got a right little Jason Robinson in our midst... and Nanny would be very proud of you if she were still here mate.

To be honest, I'm finding the not having my Nan around really hard. The next installment of the Now series of CDs is out next week, and she always bought it for me. That and with it being Mother's Day last weekend, I'm just finding it especially hard. I want my Nan back...

The remainder of my weekend I've spent putting together my new flat screen TV and DVD recorder... it is the dogs bollocks of equipment, and to be fair, has taken some installing, but I've managed to do it... and got completely shit scared watching Lost on it last night! And will be DVD recording 24 this evening :). I'm sure you can see me grinning from ear to ear...

Everything else has been a mish mash. One of my best mates has just split up with her girlfriend of 9 years, so I'm trying to be there and supporting her, knowing full well how hard it is when something like that happens... I just feel so far away though if you know what I mean?

And another of my best friends has just lost her uncle and is worried about her dad... I tried calling her this evening to check she's hanging in there, but it went to messages. And she didn't respond to my email from earlier, so I'm a little worried... but then it is Dr T... she knows where I am, and that I'm here if and when she needs me.

I'm just incredibly frustrated at my feelings at the minute... I have this absolute knack of falling for the impossible, and making life incredibly difficult...And all relatively under the wire. Fact is, now isn't the time to elaborate on this... just something that was in my head and I just wanted to bring up!

I guess my other whinge point and bugbear at the moment relates to FT. Although to be honest, it could have been any of my friends, just so happens that coincidentally it is FT.
Now I've known for a long while, and have indeed accepted the fact that she and I are now firmly on different paths. And I'm cool with that. Whatever happens or has happened has led us in different directions, and romantically that is never going to be rectifiable. However, fact remains, I still love her, as one of my closest friends, and someone that I want the best for, and want to see happy. I'm not saying sometimes it doesn't cross my mind that I wish that was still with me. But we are two very different people to the FT and DL who fell in love when I was back in uni.
My piss point, is that I expect a degree of consideration from my friends, and to be honest, I'm a wear your heart on your sleeve kinda gal, and I expect from my friends no more and no less than I would give to them.
So I've been arranging a big group of us to take part in Race For Life in Enfield in June and raise money for Cancer Research. To which a whole host of people from work, and Dr T and indeed FT agreed to take part in. Now by definition, it's obvious it means a lot to me. I've experienced cancer in my life, and I ran two of the damn races last year, and have been on the search for people far and wide to join in and get their friends to join in and make a day of it.
FT agreed to do it. And Spoonsie was coming along too. Now I don't think it's fair to use the excuse that people only joined up because I encouraged them to. Fact it, it's a choice. People have said no and refused to do it. Fair enough. Only FT said yes. So I sorted her out her entry and got the pack sent through to her. She was in agreement to all this I might add. And as far as I was aware, was quite looking forward to a day out with the guys with picnics and fun and all sorts. Only I spoke to her yesterday, and she tells me she's going to America the day after we go to see a concert. All sounds cool, so I said it sounds pretty cool, and she apparently chose then out of the whole summer just because it happened to be a Saturday.
OK so you know what I'm going to say. She goes the day before Race For Life.
To which end, I'm completely pissed off. It wasn't as though she didn't know about it. It wasn't as though the fee wasn't paid and the pack hadn't arrived. It's all there. Now I don't believe for a second there is any actual intent in going then to miss Race For Life. It didn't even dawn on me until later in the evening that the two events clashed, but it does piss me off.
And it's not just because its FT. I'd be the same if any of my friends had made the same fuck up. Fact is, it is something that is very important to me. I just feel like I put myself out there, do things for other people, that other people want, and end up getting taken advantage of. And I am absolutely pig fucking sick of it. One thing, one event I've been specifically asking people to join in with, and guess who it is that's let down again. I'm gutted. And to be honest, I'm losing the ability to trust the people I care about. It feels like sometimes the ones that won't let me down are so damn far away, and I'm left all on my own. And no one gives a fuck. I guess the event is a big deal for me because it's me trying to introduce close friends in my life together like work friends and older friends, and it's a big deal because it's for a cause that means a lot to me. I'm just gutted.
I sent her a text telling her about the clash when I realised last night. Haven't heard a damn thing back, which is pissing me off too. What would it have hurt to say something like 'oh shit, sorry Luce, I didn't realise that was then'. No, it wouldn't make it OK, and no, it wouldn't stop me being upset about the whole thing, because it won't give me what I want and I'll still feel let down. But it would at least make me think that there was some thought out there about how I was feeling. Some acknowledgement about me being actually fucking upset about it. And the worst part is it's too late now, for me to feel she was actually genuinly bothered about upsetting me.

It just feels like another aspect of my life where people really don't give a fuck. It just hurts all the more when it's someone you open up to that you feel let down by. It makes me not want to ask anything of any of my friends, and never make plans, because you don't have to face disappointment when it all goes tits up.

It's led me to decide I'm going to piss off by myself for a bit. I love my friends, and I need them more than I care to admit out loud at the minute, it's been and continues to be an incredibly shit year. But I can't face the thought of being let down. My Nan was always there for times like that. When I needed to escape, and to feel loved and wanted around, my Nan was the one to go to.

And from a family I saw at work the other day, where the wife would rather her husband with Parkinson's rot in a hospital than simply walk with him to the toilet so he didn't fall, I think I'm better off on my own.