I've had a mad busy week or so of ups and downs. So much so, that I still don't know where I am right now... and more than that, I think I know where I'm at even less than I did before if that's possible!
I've had a couple of 'discussions' with my mother since I last posted. Which to be fair, was like going over the same thing over and over again. Feeling like each time I explain why I find it hard to communicate, and just why I'm in my own head trying to sort things out, and that I'm sorry she feels like I don't let her in. The truth is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to discuss what I'm doing to sort myself out, I don't know how to explain it. It's painful to try and go into details about my counselling or what approaches I'm trying, or even how I'm working through them, and they make perfect sense at the time, yet I am struggling, or I feel like I am, but I can't explain how.
Regardless of that, I am trying to let her know I'm at least trying to work through things, and I've explained I'm doing things the best way I know how and in the only way that feels right for me to survive. Part of my counselling will be not to look at the negative of the possibility, or probability of us having the same conversation again in a few weeks, which I'm finding quite hard right now.
Regarding the counselling, I've been having a hell of a time with it this week. And I only get 6-8 sessions, and this was number 4, so there was I trying to space them out, when my counsellor thinks it isn't a good idea just yet until she feels sure I'm not struggling too much with the thought records, so we're on again for next week! Don't get me wrong, I think that's good, I mean, if I need the support, then it's a great thing that it's there when I need it, I'm just a little upset at how much I'm struggling and having difficulty. In some ways I'm not entirely sure I'm making any improvements to speak of, that aren't circumstantial.
That, and the longer I go on, and the more I look into things, the more issues I'm finding that I've got, and I need to tackle this one to deal with that one, and I'm getting a concertina effect.
We identified today that I have a chronic and debilitating fear of rejection. The point of that is that it impacts virtually everything I say and do. And it's worse with people I care more about. And the best bit of all this? Is that it stems from a trust issue. It would seem, regardless of how I feel, or what I do, or what I say, there is a huge part of me that doesn't trust completely. Yeah, there are still people I trust more than others, with as much of me as I am able to give, but part of me somewhere, subconsciously for some reason, is completely scared and doesn't trust entirely. At least, it would appear, not to the same extent as fully functioning human beings.
When you consider that trust is one of the main foundations for any relationship, whether family, romantic or friendship, then I'm screwed really!
And I don't know what to do about it, or how to fix it. My counsellor, Kate, said that there is no magic formula to it, it's all about taking a risk. But I'm so scared. I hate how it feels to be alone, and rejected, and not wanted, or to really really want something but not be able to have it. That's what I try to protect myself from.
I just feel right now like I've set sail in this boat on the path to sorting out all the difficulties I had, and I just keep finding new ones, and I'm in a complete storm, and it's so rocky, and I'm completely off course, and I don't know where to go, or what to do next.
I have such huge self confidence issues. And I mean completely huge. And I don't know what to do to get rid of them. I can see this super confident, sexy, beautiful woman I want to be, and I know full well that it will change how people see me and look at me, but I can't get there, I can't be it. I just don't know what to do. I can't make people see the me that I really am. And I can't be that me long for long enough to change anything, to convince people, to convince me, to make a difference. And each reversion back is just completely demoralising. I feel like I keep trying, but it's just not enough.
I had a 'moment' on Saturday night. This moment of the 'me' I want to be. The 'me' I really am inside. And more than that. I saw just for a second the real difference it makes. I just try and try and try, and I can't keep it. I don't know how.
I'd gone to my school reunion. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy! None of my old school friends were there, just acquaintences really, and I wasn't really friendly or popular at school. I suppose in my new mind, that was all the more reason to make the effort and go. To show everyone who I am now. That I'm not who I was then, that I'm proud to be me. FT came with me for some support, which was lovely. And it touched me when she commented that I'd be the first to do it for her or anyone else, so she was happy to do something that I really wanted in return. She was also quite right in saying it's a step I wouldn't have made 6 months ago, and so was a big thing for me. I hadn't really looked at it like that until then. And although I felt like a bit of a sour lemon, and didn't really have anyone to talk to or catch up with, and was disappointed at how some women can revert back to being 14 again just by attending a school reunion, I didn't make a fool of myself. I made a fair effort, and then called it a night and headed home without complaint or fear or embarasment.
We had a moment, sitting down having a drink and chatting, it wasn't even anything big, or anything special, or no real effort or trying or anything like that. I saw something in FT I hadn't seen in a while. It was like that starry eyed look you have when you're in love, and just completely happy in a moment. And she said to me 'why can't you be like this all the time? We really get on when you're like this'. And it's true. So completely true.
And it's the question I sak myself every day, and seem to struggle so seemlessly to find the fucking answer to. That's the me I want to be. The me that makes her feel like that. The me that is completely comfortable with myself, and completely confident in a moment, and unphased by life. Because inside, that's the me I see in there. And what really frustrates me, is that's the 'me' I know she's still in love with, and feels like that special way about. I know that's the me that gets under her skin and into her head, and it infuriates her to the point of complete distraction. I know it's still there!
I know it, because that's the effect she has on me.
I just can't seem to 'be' that side of me for long enough. Be the person I want to be. And what makes it worse, is that now it feels like I've left it too late to trust completely, in the way that I thought I was doing the first time round, because I'm scared of how to pick myself up when it hurts.
There's just so much to work on, and it hurts so much to be me right now. I don't know what to do next, or how to do it.
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Friday, 29 June 2007
Who Am I?
I don't know who I am right now.
I don't like the person coming out to the world. And I don't know how to change it. The more I look at me, the more I see all my faults and all my inadequacies. The bits that put people off. Then the more I hate me.
I don't have faith anymore. I don't have faith in me, or in the rest of the world. I don't have faith in the knowledge that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Unhelpful thinking it might be, but I feel like it's based on experience.
I feel like when I do have faith in someone or something, and trust it, it all just ends up further and further away from me.
I say nothing and they back away. And then I do, and it's all too late and they've backed away anyway.
And I'm the only one left with it.
I hate it.
I don't feel beautiful, or desirable, or sexy or wanted. I feel like it gets less and less. I know it's as much self perception as how the world sees, but the more the world doesn't see it. Or the more it feels like people that did see it don't see it no more, the less I see it myself. Especially when it feels like there's nothing I can do to change it.
I feel like I'm standing in front of the world wanting to be noticed. So much to give. Yet it's not enough, or it's not right. Everything I have.
I want to be loved. I want arms around me, holding me tight. I want to be kissed. Because I'm me, and because someone out there wants me. I want to be desired and made love to. Because someone finds me sexy and wants me.
You can't do that to yourself. So even if I did love myself, I would still feel empty.
I just want to feel again.
Like I have something to offer. Like I'm noticed in the right ways for being me, rather than being dismissed for all the grief I bring or because of past misdemeanours.
It seems I've learnt nothing. I don't know where to go from here.
You never get what you want in life.
I just... don't matter.
I don't like the person coming out to the world. And I don't know how to change it. The more I look at me, the more I see all my faults and all my inadequacies. The bits that put people off. Then the more I hate me.
I don't have faith anymore. I don't have faith in me, or in the rest of the world. I don't have faith in the knowledge that if something is meant to be, it will happen. Unhelpful thinking it might be, but I feel like it's based on experience.
I feel like when I do have faith in someone or something, and trust it, it all just ends up further and further away from me.
I say nothing and they back away. And then I do, and it's all too late and they've backed away anyway.
And I'm the only one left with it.
I hate it.
I don't feel beautiful, or desirable, or sexy or wanted. I feel like it gets less and less. I know it's as much self perception as how the world sees, but the more the world doesn't see it. Or the more it feels like people that did see it don't see it no more, the less I see it myself. Especially when it feels like there's nothing I can do to change it.
I feel like I'm standing in front of the world wanting to be noticed. So much to give. Yet it's not enough, or it's not right. Everything I have.
I want to be loved. I want arms around me, holding me tight. I want to be kissed. Because I'm me, and because someone out there wants me. I want to be desired and made love to. Because someone finds me sexy and wants me.
You can't do that to yourself. So even if I did love myself, I would still feel empty.
I just want to feel again.
Like I have something to offer. Like I'm noticed in the right ways for being me, rather than being dismissed for all the grief I bring or because of past misdemeanours.
It seems I've learnt nothing. I don't know where to go from here.
You never get what you want in life.
I just... don't matter.
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Run
So I know I haven't posted in a while. Kinda working on the proviso that every spare second I get at the computer should be spent looking for jobs and not recounting what has happened. Now I have spent a good few hours this morning applying for jobs. And a friend of mine, Kaz, has asked her boss if I can go and do some unpaid lab work to get some scientific experience... all good for the CV.
So I'm posting.
When I set this up I never intended for it to be all about the difficult periods in my life, and excluding the positive optimistic ones. I've just been busy.
I've started seeing a counsellor. Which is brilliant. I was feeling loads more positive that I was actually doing something proactive finally to get my head into gear, or at least give me the tools to in future life. So I've had workbooks to do, and programmes to work through. I've been doing that in every spare moment too - making as much of it as possible - working on it longer than the suggested time, being thorough... trying to get as much out of it as possible. I went into my last counselling session feeling heaps more positive than I had been doing, even though I hadn't really achieved that much.
I've opened up to FT about some of the biggest things that ever happened to me in my life. Things I should have said before, but forgot about, and didn't know how to say.
I think it's fair to say I've had a life reflection. And it's hurt like hell thinking about how I wanted her to know all this about me already, and how I blew my chance big time. I'm trying not to hate myself for it. I'm trying to take the chances I get now. I'm trying not to assume I've sent her running in the opposite direction completely. I have so much more I want to say. I want to share. It hurts.
So why do I feel right now that the only thing good for me to do would be to just run away and disappear? I feel like if I carry on, I'll do something stupid.
I feel like I don't belong to my family anymore. Everyone is different with me, and I feel like everyone thinks bad of me, and just tollerates me. And I know it's because my Mum has ranted, or mentioned things I've done which she views as selfish or doesn't agree with.
I feel like I can't be here anymore. Like I'm not here. Like I'm not wanted.
I suppose I've been feeling like it for a few weeks. I don't want to talk to her about it, because all we ever do is cover the same ground over and over. I can't be who or how she wants me to be. I'm not that person anymore. I just can't take the feeling of being punished for it. It's more than getting to me. I can't cope. I really can't. But I know if I run and walk out, then I'll never come back. It'll make it awkward for everyone, and it'll hurt me knowing that not having me around upsets them. So I'll avoid them. And I'll just walk out on everyone.
And part of me really wants to do it.
I want to turn my phone off, throw it away. Get in the car and drive. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just run away. And then abandon the car so I'll never be traced.
I want to walk away from my family and never come back. I just really can't cope anymore. With all this. I feel like it's killing me, and I don't know what to do. I've tried to be strong. I put on this act. I'm tired of acting anymore. Pretending everything is OK, or will be OK.
The only thing stopping me from running, is FT. I still love her and am more in love with her than I ever believed possible. Even after everything. Even with hurting everyday. It doesn't go away, not ever. I love her, and I want her in my life. Without that, I really would just run and disappear.
I've been going to this counsellor, and I'm supposed to be dealing with 'unhelpful thinking' this week. Like the 'it's all my fault' scenario, and 'no one likes me' etc. That kind of thing. So I'm round my Nan's yesterday, who I am convinced is depressed, and am quite upset by my mum's 'oh you get on with it, i'm washing my hands' approach to her, as I know from personal experience (when all these problems between us really started), that doesn't help at all, it makes it worse. When my mum comes round and basically says that what with my Nan, my Dad, Chesney and me, we've pushed her to breaking point since christmas. And we've made her depressed, and she doesn't know how much more she can take.
So apparently, I am completely to blame, and it is all my fault. She can't see for a single second I'm doing what I have to to survive, and if I did things her way I would probably kill myself because I tried and it didn't work, and oh yeah, I did try to kill myself. She just makes me feel like I'm the source of all her problems, and life really would be better if I wasn't around.
I don't believe on treading on other people to pick yourself up when you're down. And that's what she's done. I haven't asked for any help. in fact, I've distanced myself more and more so I'm not putting on her. She does virtually nothing motherly for me anymore at all. She's stopped the financial support, cooking, including me in family trips out unless I specifically ask to go and then it's under duress - and all of this is without even talking to me about it. It all came on from when I explained that I couldn't do things her way and she either backed off and let me live my life my way, or risked losing any relationship between us. She's cut me dead since then.
And she has everyone dependent on her, so they follow suit so as not to upset her.
I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. I really do. I feel like a disappointment, like I don't matter. Like my feelings are insignificant. And I do all I can to get out of the house and get away from it, because frankly, it hurts being in that environment.
But this doesn't mess with my head. No. Of course not. FT and I can't be together right now (and let's face it, you can't wonder why when I'm like this) and I want to be with her more than anything in the world. And I'm not wanted as the person I am by my family.
Tell me what there is to live for again? Fuck it, I just want to run!
So I'm posting.
When I set this up I never intended for it to be all about the difficult periods in my life, and excluding the positive optimistic ones. I've just been busy.
I've started seeing a counsellor. Which is brilliant. I was feeling loads more positive that I was actually doing something proactive finally to get my head into gear, or at least give me the tools to in future life. So I've had workbooks to do, and programmes to work through. I've been doing that in every spare moment too - making as much of it as possible - working on it longer than the suggested time, being thorough... trying to get as much out of it as possible. I went into my last counselling session feeling heaps more positive than I had been doing, even though I hadn't really achieved that much.
I've opened up to FT about some of the biggest things that ever happened to me in my life. Things I should have said before, but forgot about, and didn't know how to say.
I think it's fair to say I've had a life reflection. And it's hurt like hell thinking about how I wanted her to know all this about me already, and how I blew my chance big time. I'm trying not to hate myself for it. I'm trying to take the chances I get now. I'm trying not to assume I've sent her running in the opposite direction completely. I have so much more I want to say. I want to share. It hurts.
So why do I feel right now that the only thing good for me to do would be to just run away and disappear? I feel like if I carry on, I'll do something stupid.
I feel like I don't belong to my family anymore. Everyone is different with me, and I feel like everyone thinks bad of me, and just tollerates me. And I know it's because my Mum has ranted, or mentioned things I've done which she views as selfish or doesn't agree with.
I feel like I can't be here anymore. Like I'm not here. Like I'm not wanted.
I suppose I've been feeling like it for a few weeks. I don't want to talk to her about it, because all we ever do is cover the same ground over and over. I can't be who or how she wants me to be. I'm not that person anymore. I just can't take the feeling of being punished for it. It's more than getting to me. I can't cope. I really can't. But I know if I run and walk out, then I'll never come back. It'll make it awkward for everyone, and it'll hurt me knowing that not having me around upsets them. So I'll avoid them. And I'll just walk out on everyone.
And part of me really wants to do it.
I want to turn my phone off, throw it away. Get in the car and drive. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just run away. And then abandon the car so I'll never be traced.
I want to walk away from my family and never come back. I just really can't cope anymore. With all this. I feel like it's killing me, and I don't know what to do. I've tried to be strong. I put on this act. I'm tired of acting anymore. Pretending everything is OK, or will be OK.
The only thing stopping me from running, is FT. I still love her and am more in love with her than I ever believed possible. Even after everything. Even with hurting everyday. It doesn't go away, not ever. I love her, and I want her in my life. Without that, I really would just run and disappear.
I've been going to this counsellor, and I'm supposed to be dealing with 'unhelpful thinking' this week. Like the 'it's all my fault' scenario, and 'no one likes me' etc. That kind of thing. So I'm round my Nan's yesterday, who I am convinced is depressed, and am quite upset by my mum's 'oh you get on with it, i'm washing my hands' approach to her, as I know from personal experience (when all these problems between us really started), that doesn't help at all, it makes it worse. When my mum comes round and basically says that what with my Nan, my Dad, Chesney and me, we've pushed her to breaking point since christmas. And we've made her depressed, and she doesn't know how much more she can take.
So apparently, I am completely to blame, and it is all my fault. She can't see for a single second I'm doing what I have to to survive, and if I did things her way I would probably kill myself because I tried and it didn't work, and oh yeah, I did try to kill myself. She just makes me feel like I'm the source of all her problems, and life really would be better if I wasn't around.
I don't believe on treading on other people to pick yourself up when you're down. And that's what she's done. I haven't asked for any help. in fact, I've distanced myself more and more so I'm not putting on her. She does virtually nothing motherly for me anymore at all. She's stopped the financial support, cooking, including me in family trips out unless I specifically ask to go and then it's under duress - and all of this is without even talking to me about it. It all came on from when I explained that I couldn't do things her way and she either backed off and let me live my life my way, or risked losing any relationship between us. She's cut me dead since then.
And she has everyone dependent on her, so they follow suit so as not to upset her.
I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. I really do. I feel like a disappointment, like I don't matter. Like my feelings are insignificant. And I do all I can to get out of the house and get away from it, because frankly, it hurts being in that environment.
But this doesn't mess with my head. No. Of course not. FT and I can't be together right now (and let's face it, you can't wonder why when I'm like this) and I want to be with her more than anything in the world. And I'm not wanted as the person I am by my family.
Tell me what there is to live for again? Fuck it, I just want to run!
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Articulation
I'm not sure I know how to articulate myself right now. Things have just gone crazy again. I'm not sure I know how to deal with it all. And all the while, I keep telling myself 'hang in there' and 'keep going'. But for what? I don't know.
I still hate living at home. Things maybe aren't as bad as they were last week. Judging by the fact that I'm not spending hours a day crying into my pillow at the magnitude of what is my shit life. I just don't know what I want. Or maybe I do, and I just can't see myself getting there. Maybe the easier thing to do is just to give up without trying, seeing as right now I don't feel like a day passes without a new vision of war wounds upon my already destroyed soul.
In truth, I want to run away. Get away from it all. Just being here reminds me constantly of what a glorified fuck up I am. It was supposed to feel like being in a place where I was loved no matter what. Where I could be me, and do my own thing, and just have people around who cared and loved me for me. In actuality, it's not like that at all. I'm in a place where I just feel like I'm not wanted unless I'm someone else. Unless I'm someone different. Which, when you have tendancies to wish you was anyone but yourself to fix your pityful excuse of a life, is not what you need. I'd rather be anyone but me most of the time.
And all the pointing out of my good qualities, and things that I've got going for me, just don't seem to cut the mustard.
'You're kind, loving, caring, generous, honest, dependable, reliable, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, etc etc' But let's face it, I can't be that great, because FT and I aren't together anymore, so I can't be that perfect. But then there are reasons for that, which I completely understand. But then it should stand to reason, that if I have all these qualities, and I'm that 'wonderful' being at home shouldn't be like it is right now. But it is, which leads me to the ultimate conclusion that people just say I'm great and stuff to make me feel better, when the reality is what I've always felt, that I'm not great, and not worth pissing on if I was on fire, and FT deserves someone better, and I'm just a complete disappointment, and my mother deserves a better daughter.
Granted, I've not had much, but I have had enough of the professional guidance to know that self worth, and importance and things need to come from within. But there's only so much I can take, thinking 'you know what, I am a good person, and FT will never find anyone better, and I do bend over backwards for people, and I am all of the above'. But sometimes, when everyone's attitude and reactions point otherwise, it is hard to actually believe what you know inside to be right.
It seems easier to run away. And if I didn't think it'd lead me to a road of stupidity, I would.
Deep down, I know I'm a wonderful incredible person, and I have a lot to offer the world. But sometimes, it is nice to feel that other people think that too.
I suppose right now, my self resolve is weakening, and I don't know how to get it back. If indeed I can at all.
Someone very sensible once said 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'. And I agree entirely.
I don't think I ever really appreciated my relationship with FT until it and she wasn't there in the same capacity anymore. Which is a suicide factor in the world of relationships. But you can go over the 'if only's' and the 'what if's' forever.
I don't think I ever really appreciated the importance of my family in my life until right now when everything seems incredibly different, and not like it used to be at all.
But everyone has me the same as always. I'm still around to do stuff for the family as and when they need it. I'll still bend over backwards to try and remain part of the fold, even if I do get a touch of the cold shoulder and resentment because I juggle that around living my life the way I want to these days, something I never did as a kid. I've made a rod for my own back there!
FT and I had a discussion on the phone the other night. She pretty much said she wishes she had the opportunity to miss me. By that, not meaning that she doesn't, but just the fact that me being me, I'm always around in the same capacity that I always have been. I still do sweet things, and put myself out, and bend over backwards and do absolutely anything and everything that I think will make her happy. Not that that's a bad thing, but she's always had it in her life since I walked into it. She said she doesn't know what it would feel like not to have that. It's back the the 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' scenario, and for FT, it's never been gone. So I think she thinks she maybe doesn't know how much she has, or values me or what we had, because I'm not really much different.
We've agreed to try a complete 'no affection' and 'complete hands off' approach for now. She says it might give her a kick as to what she is missing, rather than us not being together, but always having the security and knowing that I'll always be there to bend over backwards no matter what happens, whenever the chips are down.
I know it needs to happen, and it is the right thing to do. And if there is ever to be any future for us ever in the future, then this is definetely what needs to happen for it to occur. I think it'll do us both the world of good. I need reminding that I am a wonderful person, and that I do do absolutely anything and everything in my power to achieve her happiness. And I think we both need reminding of that, and just making damn sure that it is something that no one else in the world would ever be able to give. Of that I am certain.
I just wish that right now everything else wasn't so crap. I wish that I could believe better in myself and what I have to offer. I'm scared because this is the time that I need to show my strength, and what I have to offer, and all that I am, and that it is great and there is no one in the world ever that could love and give like I do. I'm scared shitless because everything right now just has me feeling like I am an absolute waster and disappointment and not worth spitting on if I were on fire.
I'm scared because I have everything to lose all over again. I'm scared because if I feel like that deep down right now, then that's what I'm going to project to the world, and it will only ultimately serve to show FT that in actual fact, she's missing nothing.
Her feelings are as mixed as mine are. It's all just a mess. I don't know how to be with the 'hands off, just strictly friends' approach. Purely because everything I have ever done and said has only ever been out of complete and utter love. So to try and equate that to the same sort of reaction to Doofus, who is my bestest friend, I'm at a loss. The truth is, I'm not that good-a-friend. If I don't feel in the mood, or can't be bothered, I won't be. Yet for FT, I jump even if I'm not in the mood. I don't put myself out to go and see them, or call them and stuff, maybe not as much as they'd like. I'm crap at giving advice, unless it meets my opinion. If I can't afford to do something, I don't make the effort, I don't go. I rarely say 'sod the money'. In fact, I can't think of a scenario when I have actually been a good friend when someone needed me. And these are people I love and care about. Maybe my mother has it right!
I just feel like I have nothing. And no one to talk to. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be not coping. I want to be who I really am inside, or would be if I didn't feel such a pariah to people who are supposed to care about me: a suave, sexy, independent, confident, caring, honest, dependable, loving, seductive, mysterious woman. They're the bits I want to portray to the world. The bits I want FT to remember she misses. I'm just scared that by the time I can get my head around this emotional abuse, it will all be too late.
I still hate living at home. Things maybe aren't as bad as they were last week. Judging by the fact that I'm not spending hours a day crying into my pillow at the magnitude of what is my shit life. I just don't know what I want. Or maybe I do, and I just can't see myself getting there. Maybe the easier thing to do is just to give up without trying, seeing as right now I don't feel like a day passes without a new vision of war wounds upon my already destroyed soul.
In truth, I want to run away. Get away from it all. Just being here reminds me constantly of what a glorified fuck up I am. It was supposed to feel like being in a place where I was loved no matter what. Where I could be me, and do my own thing, and just have people around who cared and loved me for me. In actuality, it's not like that at all. I'm in a place where I just feel like I'm not wanted unless I'm someone else. Unless I'm someone different. Which, when you have tendancies to wish you was anyone but yourself to fix your pityful excuse of a life, is not what you need. I'd rather be anyone but me most of the time.
And all the pointing out of my good qualities, and things that I've got going for me, just don't seem to cut the mustard.
'You're kind, loving, caring, generous, honest, dependable, reliable, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, etc etc' But let's face it, I can't be that great, because FT and I aren't together anymore, so I can't be that perfect. But then there are reasons for that, which I completely understand. But then it should stand to reason, that if I have all these qualities, and I'm that 'wonderful' being at home shouldn't be like it is right now. But it is, which leads me to the ultimate conclusion that people just say I'm great and stuff to make me feel better, when the reality is what I've always felt, that I'm not great, and not worth pissing on if I was on fire, and FT deserves someone better, and I'm just a complete disappointment, and my mother deserves a better daughter.
Granted, I've not had much, but I have had enough of the professional guidance to know that self worth, and importance and things need to come from within. But there's only so much I can take, thinking 'you know what, I am a good person, and FT will never find anyone better, and I do bend over backwards for people, and I am all of the above'. But sometimes, when everyone's attitude and reactions point otherwise, it is hard to actually believe what you know inside to be right.
It seems easier to run away. And if I didn't think it'd lead me to a road of stupidity, I would.
Deep down, I know I'm a wonderful incredible person, and I have a lot to offer the world. But sometimes, it is nice to feel that other people think that too.
I suppose right now, my self resolve is weakening, and I don't know how to get it back. If indeed I can at all.
Someone very sensible once said 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'. And I agree entirely.
I don't think I ever really appreciated my relationship with FT until it and she wasn't there in the same capacity anymore. Which is a suicide factor in the world of relationships. But you can go over the 'if only's' and the 'what if's' forever.
I don't think I ever really appreciated the importance of my family in my life until right now when everything seems incredibly different, and not like it used to be at all.
But everyone has me the same as always. I'm still around to do stuff for the family as and when they need it. I'll still bend over backwards to try and remain part of the fold, even if I do get a touch of the cold shoulder and resentment because I juggle that around living my life the way I want to these days, something I never did as a kid. I've made a rod for my own back there!
FT and I had a discussion on the phone the other night. She pretty much said she wishes she had the opportunity to miss me. By that, not meaning that she doesn't, but just the fact that me being me, I'm always around in the same capacity that I always have been. I still do sweet things, and put myself out, and bend over backwards and do absolutely anything and everything that I think will make her happy. Not that that's a bad thing, but she's always had it in her life since I walked into it. She said she doesn't know what it would feel like not to have that. It's back the the 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' scenario, and for FT, it's never been gone. So I think she thinks she maybe doesn't know how much she has, or values me or what we had, because I'm not really much different.
We've agreed to try a complete 'no affection' and 'complete hands off' approach for now. She says it might give her a kick as to what she is missing, rather than us not being together, but always having the security and knowing that I'll always be there to bend over backwards no matter what happens, whenever the chips are down.
I know it needs to happen, and it is the right thing to do. And if there is ever to be any future for us ever in the future, then this is definetely what needs to happen for it to occur. I think it'll do us both the world of good. I need reminding that I am a wonderful person, and that I do do absolutely anything and everything in my power to achieve her happiness. And I think we both need reminding of that, and just making damn sure that it is something that no one else in the world would ever be able to give. Of that I am certain.
I just wish that right now everything else wasn't so crap. I wish that I could believe better in myself and what I have to offer. I'm scared because this is the time that I need to show my strength, and what I have to offer, and all that I am, and that it is great and there is no one in the world ever that could love and give like I do. I'm scared shitless because everything right now just has me feeling like I am an absolute waster and disappointment and not worth spitting on if I were on fire.
I'm scared because I have everything to lose all over again. I'm scared because if I feel like that deep down right now, then that's what I'm going to project to the world, and it will only ultimately serve to show FT that in actual fact, she's missing nothing.
Her feelings are as mixed as mine are. It's all just a mess. I don't know how to be with the 'hands off, just strictly friends' approach. Purely because everything I have ever done and said has only ever been out of complete and utter love. So to try and equate that to the same sort of reaction to Doofus, who is my bestest friend, I'm at a loss. The truth is, I'm not that good-a-friend. If I don't feel in the mood, or can't be bothered, I won't be. Yet for FT, I jump even if I'm not in the mood. I don't put myself out to go and see them, or call them and stuff, maybe not as much as they'd like. I'm crap at giving advice, unless it meets my opinion. If I can't afford to do something, I don't make the effort, I don't go. I rarely say 'sod the money'. In fact, I can't think of a scenario when I have actually been a good friend when someone needed me. And these are people I love and care about. Maybe my mother has it right!
I just feel like I have nothing. And no one to talk to. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be not coping. I want to be who I really am inside, or would be if I didn't feel such a pariah to people who are supposed to care about me: a suave, sexy, independent, confident, caring, honest, dependable, loving, seductive, mysterious woman. They're the bits I want to portray to the world. The bits I want FT to remember she misses. I'm just scared that by the time I can get my head around this emotional abuse, it will all be too late.
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Nostalgia
Anyone encountered the wonder that is Facebook? Well it makes myspace look like a pile of shit on rice in my opinion! So in the great 'facebook vs myspace race', you can guess who I'm backing all the way!
Yes, I did have my issues with Facebook, and still do in some ways, as it won't allow me to join my old university network as I'm an alumni and don't have a current .ac.uk email address. But in the grand scheme of things, as much as it doth piss me off, I am still loving it!
Infact, I check facebook now before I check my emails!
Through Facebook, I have been reconnected with at least 30 or more people I haven't spoken to, or seen for many years. I can't marvel at the wonder of it enough.
So yes, I'm feeling nostalgic!
I've been chatting to people I went to school with, people who I got on with, but never really had much time for at school. To people who my enthusiasm for class competitions pissed off no end. It's just funny that how as adults you have so much more time, reasoning and understanding for people. Somehow the little things that bothered you then seem so inconsequential now. You can move on with your life, and show a genuine interest in people without half of the teenage angst you felt back then.
And I must say, as much as I said back then that I didn't care about so and so, or acted as though it didn't matter to me what someone else did with their life, I mean, I was reassured in the fact that I stayed in contact with the people who I was really good friends with, and as much as I thought I was cool with it all. It is really nice to find out what people have been up to, what direction life has taken them in, whether they're married, have kids, etc, etc.
I suppose my one true regret from it all was that I didn't try half as hard enough to keep in contact, or make as much of an effort with people as I would have liked. That upsets me and makes me sad. And you can make excuses until you're blue in the face, but let's face it, sometimes, there is just no excuse.
So right now, I'm enjoying finding people, and catching up with people. Learning how they've changed and how they are the same. And them doing the same with me.
I suppose most of my nostalgia settles around one person in particular. I shall call him A. His parents and my parents were best friends when we were growing up, and consequently, we spent lots of time together. We'd be round each other's houses every other weekend, the parents doing their thing, and us doing ours. He has 2 brothers W & R, but age wise, we were the closest with just 2 and a half years difference, and we just gelled and got on.
You know when you see these little kids, inseparable, holding hands, not wanting to go anywhere without the other? That was us. We were 'paired up' from a young age. As far back as I can remember, I remember going to firework displays, my family and his. And we'd walk all the way there holding hands, and I remember it was dark and I couldn't really see where I was going, so I just held on for dear life. I remember family caravan holidays to Cornwall and the Kent coast and things like that. We'd have one huge caravan for 4 kids and 4 adults, and we always had a fight over who was having the top bunk in the caravan. A and I had this thing. It must have been like 1986 or 1988 something like that. When Kylie and Jason released 'Especially for you'. They did a performance on Top of The Pops, which A and I memorised completely, and we'd put the video on over and over again, and mimic the actions.
Looking back now, it's completely cringeworthy, and I can't believe I'm admitting to it. It's weird what you remember! But that is the innocence of kids, in all their adorable glory.
A was the first person that ever got me anything for Valentine's Day. We'd always send each other cards and gifts. Like I said, we were paired up from birth!
Then our parents got more and more distant, and we saw less and less of each other. Plus we were both getting to be teenagers, and there was school and new friends, and everything. We just lost touch.
To be honest, that is one thing I do regret. Not because I think anything would be different now, but because we used to get on so well. We were such good friends, and we were separated at a point in our lives when you just go with the flow of the parents, and so it seemed natural. I was never happy about it, but there seemed little I could do to change it. And by the time I go to a position where I had independance and felt like I could lead my life without parental direction 24/7, too much time had passed and I didn't have the courage to throw myself back in there to re-establish a friendship.
I was with some other old friends, a few weeks back now. Ones that knew A and I when we were kids. And what with me coming to terms with my sexuality, and developing an exceptionally good 'gaydar' for want of a better word, we got onto the discussion about whether or not we though A was gay. And we came to the conclusion it was a unanimous 'YES'. But it's not the sort of thing you're going to find out by chance, or even ask someone if you happen to bump into them after 12 years.
Anyway, I found A on Facebook the other night. It was a complete mixture of emotions rolled into one. It was like being a kid again, and remembering all the good times and all the fun, and then the bittersweet kick of a distance in my heart I felt shouldn't have been there. We ended up adding each other as friends, and have been chatting and catching up. He left a post on my wall, after obviously reading my profile, commenting on me going to uni, and also mentioning that he has been with his boyfiend for just over 6 months.
So it seems my gaydar does not fail me!
But that's besides the point! It was nice to catch up and find out stuff about him, and him me, when we've been out of touch for so long.
One thing from this all does make me sad, and wonder if things might have been different though. A has obviously been through the coming to terms with who he is, and being gay and stuff, as have I. I just can't help feeling sad that maybe if we hadn't lost touch like we did, that maybe things might have been easier for us both to come to terms with if we had each other there? OK, so I have no knowledge of how his coming out experience was, whether he had a rocky patch or whether it was all smooth or not, or when it even happened. But maybe if we hadn't lost contact, I might have been able to face up to my feelings sooner than I did? And maybe that wouldn't have had such a detrimental effect on my relationship with FT? Sometimes I do feel like I just need a gay big brother who understands all the issues and ups and downs, and who will just be there when you need someone. Maybe if A and I had been closer when I was coming out, maybe his support and advice, and just knowing that there was someone there, maybe I wouldn't have handled it so badly?
Of course, I can't answer any of this in the slightest. I don't have the answers. Ad right now, it doesn't change anything. I am just glad he seems so settled in himself, and that things seem to be going well, and so happy.
Hopefully one day maybe we can be close again? Who knows?
Yes, I did have my issues with Facebook, and still do in some ways, as it won't allow me to join my old university network as I'm an alumni and don't have a current .ac.uk email address. But in the grand scheme of things, as much as it doth piss me off, I am still loving it!
Infact, I check facebook now before I check my emails!
Through Facebook, I have been reconnected with at least 30 or more people I haven't spoken to, or seen for many years. I can't marvel at the wonder of it enough.
So yes, I'm feeling nostalgic!
I've been chatting to people I went to school with, people who I got on with, but never really had much time for at school. To people who my enthusiasm for class competitions pissed off no end. It's just funny that how as adults you have so much more time, reasoning and understanding for people. Somehow the little things that bothered you then seem so inconsequential now. You can move on with your life, and show a genuine interest in people without half of the teenage angst you felt back then.
And I must say, as much as I said back then that I didn't care about so and so, or acted as though it didn't matter to me what someone else did with their life, I mean, I was reassured in the fact that I stayed in contact with the people who I was really good friends with, and as much as I thought I was cool with it all. It is really nice to find out what people have been up to, what direction life has taken them in, whether they're married, have kids, etc, etc.
I suppose my one true regret from it all was that I didn't try half as hard enough to keep in contact, or make as much of an effort with people as I would have liked. That upsets me and makes me sad. And you can make excuses until you're blue in the face, but let's face it, sometimes, there is just no excuse.
So right now, I'm enjoying finding people, and catching up with people. Learning how they've changed and how they are the same. And them doing the same with me.
I suppose most of my nostalgia settles around one person in particular. I shall call him A. His parents and my parents were best friends when we were growing up, and consequently, we spent lots of time together. We'd be round each other's houses every other weekend, the parents doing their thing, and us doing ours. He has 2 brothers W & R, but age wise, we were the closest with just 2 and a half years difference, and we just gelled and got on.
You know when you see these little kids, inseparable, holding hands, not wanting to go anywhere without the other? That was us. We were 'paired up' from a young age. As far back as I can remember, I remember going to firework displays, my family and his. And we'd walk all the way there holding hands, and I remember it was dark and I couldn't really see where I was going, so I just held on for dear life. I remember family caravan holidays to Cornwall and the Kent coast and things like that. We'd have one huge caravan for 4 kids and 4 adults, and we always had a fight over who was having the top bunk in the caravan. A and I had this thing. It must have been like 1986 or 1988 something like that. When Kylie and Jason released 'Especially for you'. They did a performance on Top of The Pops, which A and I memorised completely, and we'd put the video on over and over again, and mimic the actions.
Looking back now, it's completely cringeworthy, and I can't believe I'm admitting to it. It's weird what you remember! But that is the innocence of kids, in all their adorable glory.
A was the first person that ever got me anything for Valentine's Day. We'd always send each other cards and gifts. Like I said, we were paired up from birth!
Then our parents got more and more distant, and we saw less and less of each other. Plus we were both getting to be teenagers, and there was school and new friends, and everything. We just lost touch.
To be honest, that is one thing I do regret. Not because I think anything would be different now, but because we used to get on so well. We were such good friends, and we were separated at a point in our lives when you just go with the flow of the parents, and so it seemed natural. I was never happy about it, but there seemed little I could do to change it. And by the time I go to a position where I had independance and felt like I could lead my life without parental direction 24/7, too much time had passed and I didn't have the courage to throw myself back in there to re-establish a friendship.
I was with some other old friends, a few weeks back now. Ones that knew A and I when we were kids. And what with me coming to terms with my sexuality, and developing an exceptionally good 'gaydar' for want of a better word, we got onto the discussion about whether or not we though A was gay. And we came to the conclusion it was a unanimous 'YES'. But it's not the sort of thing you're going to find out by chance, or even ask someone if you happen to bump into them after 12 years.
Anyway, I found A on Facebook the other night. It was a complete mixture of emotions rolled into one. It was like being a kid again, and remembering all the good times and all the fun, and then the bittersweet kick of a distance in my heart I felt shouldn't have been there. We ended up adding each other as friends, and have been chatting and catching up. He left a post on my wall, after obviously reading my profile, commenting on me going to uni, and also mentioning that he has been with his boyfiend for just over 6 months.
So it seems my gaydar does not fail me!
But that's besides the point! It was nice to catch up and find out stuff about him, and him me, when we've been out of touch for so long.
One thing from this all does make me sad, and wonder if things might have been different though. A has obviously been through the coming to terms with who he is, and being gay and stuff, as have I. I just can't help feeling sad that maybe if we hadn't lost touch like we did, that maybe things might have been easier for us both to come to terms with if we had each other there? OK, so I have no knowledge of how his coming out experience was, whether he had a rocky patch or whether it was all smooth or not, or when it even happened. But maybe if we hadn't lost contact, I might have been able to face up to my feelings sooner than I did? And maybe that wouldn't have had such a detrimental effect on my relationship with FT? Sometimes I do feel like I just need a gay big brother who understands all the issues and ups and downs, and who will just be there when you need someone. Maybe if A and I had been closer when I was coming out, maybe his support and advice, and just knowing that there was someone there, maybe I wouldn't have handled it so badly?
Of course, I can't answer any of this in the slightest. I don't have the answers. Ad right now, it doesn't change anything. I am just glad he seems so settled in himself, and that things seem to be going well, and so happy.
Hopefully one day maybe we can be close again? Who knows?
Thursday, 24 May 2007
Untitled
I can't sleep. I wish I could, but I can't.
Right now I just feel as there's only one thing in the world that could make me feel any better.
I want to be held, and cuddled, and told that everything is going to be alright. That things will work out for the best, and that I have to believe that, and have faith in what I believe in.
I want to feel wanted, and needed. I want to feel desired, more than anything else right now. I want to be kissed, and to be touched. Like I'm special. Like I'm important. Like I'm not just anyone, but like I'm someone. I want to give myself, and to trust. But I'm scared. I need to feel her, and I need to be close to her. I want her to want me, not because she feels sorry for me, or wants to make me happy, but because she wants me. I miss her. She's so far away. But right now, I'm seriously considering the 4 hour drive to Sheffield, just to be close to her. I can't, I know I can't. But wanting and desiring her this much right now is even more impossible than usual. Only I don't say anything to her because I'm scared of rejection. It's not an ideal time for her, right in the middle of her finals, and deadlines left right and centre. It's not fair for me to be an added pressure right now.
God I want her though. And I don't quite know what to do!
Life is too complicated by half sometimes!
Right now I just feel as there's only one thing in the world that could make me feel any better.
I want to be held, and cuddled, and told that everything is going to be alright. That things will work out for the best, and that I have to believe that, and have faith in what I believe in.
I want to feel wanted, and needed. I want to feel desired, more than anything else right now. I want to be kissed, and to be touched. Like I'm special. Like I'm important. Like I'm not just anyone, but like I'm someone. I want to give myself, and to trust. But I'm scared. I need to feel her, and I need to be close to her. I want her to want me, not because she feels sorry for me, or wants to make me happy, but because she wants me. I miss her. She's so far away. But right now, I'm seriously considering the 4 hour drive to Sheffield, just to be close to her. I can't, I know I can't. But wanting and desiring her this much right now is even more impossible than usual. Only I don't say anything to her because I'm scared of rejection. It's not an ideal time for her, right in the middle of her finals, and deadlines left right and centre. It's not fair for me to be an added pressure right now.
God I want her though. And I don't quite know what to do!
Life is too complicated by half sometimes!
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Round And Round In Circles
Parents are supposed to love unconditionally right?
So why is it I feel as though mine don't? Well, more specifically, my mother.
I've been lame at updating my blog of late. Is that because things have been going well and part of me has felt like I didn't want to waste time blogging instead of making the most of the trivialities of life itself? Or is it because I've been avoiding issues which have been pressing me, niggling in the back of my mind, hoping that maybe they'll go away by themselves?
I deserve to be happy right? Surely everyone deserves that? And am I foolish to think that someday things will all go smoothly and I can just live my life and be me without worrying about who I upset, disappoint or piss off in the long run?
Fuck, just ignore me, I'm an idealist!
Right now, I can't go into the ups and downs of it all in detail. This is going to be some halfwit gobbledegook post as a way of me venting a few things and probably dealing with none of the problems I'm having. But then I guess it's my way of at least starting to face up to the fact that they're there. A start at least!
So back to the parental unconditonal love. I feel like such a fucking disappointment to my mother it's unreal. And why? ultimately because she thinks that the way I'm dealing with my life right now is all wrong, and she'd like me to deal with it in a different way. Fair enough you say, she's entitled to her opinion, and I agree whole-heartedly. But anyone that knows my mother knows about the constant 'air of disapproval' I face on a day to day basis. And it's not so much what she says, but the way she says it, and what she implies, and even what she doesn't say. To the point that the whole world knows her view on a particular situation.
She doesn't talk to my Nan A (her mother) anymore. Hasn't done for a couple of years, due to a disagreement over my cousin and how he is treated considering he isn't blood related. In that instance, I agree with my mother's point of view over the whole thing, but to the point of cutting my Nan and that side of the family out of her life? No way.
Ultimately I'm a peace-seeking kinda gal. I'm a libran and as such, I'm all about balance and harmony... that much is very true of me. So I hate the whole fucking fall out thing. Yeah, Mum says I'm not involved, but it's fucking awkward being stuck in the middle. It hurts, and I just want my family back. No, I don't like that she's never got a good word to say about my Nan. And the real thing with my mum, is you are either very obviously 'on her side', or your against her. Of course she doesn't say this out loud, but she makes you feel it very clearly with her actions.
So of course, the fact that I'm living my life the way I see fit to right now. Perfectionist, idealist, romantic, whatever you want to call it (she'd say fucking mug, but that's besides the point), surely its my life to live how I want? And just because she's my mother and she feels like she is responsible to pick up the pieces if it all goes tits up again, surely that doesn't give her the right to provide the attitude 'either you do things my way, which I see to be right, or I'll take great pleasure if they go wrong, and tell you I told you so all the time, and if they go how you want, and not how I predict they will, I'm prepared to say goodbye to the relationship we had'.
That's where I am right now.
It's her way or the high way.
Apparently, I'm the scum of the earth either way. And she has 'nothing to lose' because things aren't like they were before I left home and developed a life of my own, which is basically the equivalent to me growing up. I mean, what 25 year old tells their mother everything? And asks for relationship advice? Least of all when the one person you're hooked on is the one person you know if you mention to her you're going to get a derogatory comment about, so it's easier to deal with things yourself.
I basically told her the other day that I have to live my life the way I feel is right at the time, and I appreciate that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I have to do what I feel is right, and at least trust in myself to be right, and fight for what I believe in. If I don't have that, then as a person, I have nothing. I tried to explain that this is what I have to do, to be me. And as far as I could see, I love and respect her opinion, but she can either stop getting the arse and trying to force me into doing things her way with emotional blackmail and awkwardness, and be happy for me and how far I've come and stuff, or she can continue to try and guilt me into living my life the way she thinks I should, and face losing any relationship we ever had, as it just serves to stifle me and push me away as I strive to maintain my independence and individuality.
I don't know what good it's done. In some ways she seems like I've explained myself well and she's taken it on board and trying to not cause a rift. But in other ways, it still seems like she's trying to show me things are different and that she does still have the arse, or is 'getting used' to things being different and doing stuff without me etc.
I don't fucking know anymore.
I've not eaten properly since Sunday. Part of me is hungry. Part of me isn't. I'm sick of being pushed from pillar to post. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going.
She says she doesn't like the 'power' FT has over me. Which equates to the fact that I'll do anything for her, and go out of my way to make her happy. To put a smile on her face. To spend time with her, and talk to her, etc. It's not power. It's love! That's what you do when you love someone! Truth be known, she's just pissed that she never married anyone that cared for her half as much as I do for FT. I've always felt like there's been a constant competition, as though she's done things to play herself off against FT, and she loses every time. Because that is the nature of things when children grow up. Their parents go from being the centre of their universe to watching them fall in love and treat someone they treasure in the way in which their parents have taught them. She's supposed to be proud of who I am. And how I treat people. Yet she just seems to get pissed about the difference it makes to how I used to be before I grew up. If she had a normal loving relationship with my Dad, then I wouldn't be the focus anymore. Truth is they only stayed together to provide a stable family unit for me, and then he was diagnosed with MS and she felt too guilty to leave and didn't want the carer responsibility to fall on my shoulders.
So now it's like I'm still the focus, and the only way to not meet her disapproval is to link the ball and chain and not to anything I ever want to, and to live my life the way she wants me to.
I wish the fucking doctors would set me up with this councellor already.
I tell you what. I'm feeling so fucking low about it all, I'm nearly at that stupid point I got to before. No, I can't cope. I don't want to live my life like this. I don't want to fall out with my mother, or disappoint her. Yet I can't live my life the way I want to without doing that. And yes, surprisingly, it does make me want to kill myself. It pushes me to the point of 'what's the point?' and 'Nothing matters, because nothing I do can be right'.
And I don't want to be here right now. Why? Because, to be honest, FT is the only reason I haven't done something stupid already. Because deep down, in my heart, I really do believe that somewhere down the line, we are meant to be together. And with all this shit going on with my mother right now, that's the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Because there are no certains, or definites. It's all a huge leap of faith, and I don't want to be here and dealing with any of this family shit, and seeing my family as I knew it be destroyed in one fell swoop, but I stick around because I believe we have something special. And I hate it, because right now, it's unnecessary pressure we don't need. I wish it wasn't how I felt. I wish she wasn't being a cow.
I hate the panicking feeling inside that because she knows my mum is being difficult like this, that FT might think none of this is worth the stress and hassle. Hell, why would anyone stick around when someone is horrible like that? I hate feeling that my mother is banking on the fact that if FT does love me, that she will walk away because she wouldn't want me to lose my family. I hate it. I just hate it. I really am not worth the hassle in the slightest. I know that. And I'm scared shitless that she'll think so too.
And it's all my mother's doing.
As if it isn't hard enough to deal with the uncertainties and the maybes. I mean, sex is one thing, and attraction another, and lust something else. dealing with all that is one thing, but feeling as though there's one person you really connect with, and I can fully understand falling for someone else and all that kind of thing. But there's only one person in the world I would want to settle down with. One person I'd want to share important experiences with. One person in the world whose babies I want running around the place. And I know that person is FT.
At times, I wish it wasn't. I wish I could run a hundred miles in the other direction. But she makes me smile from inside. Like I can't explain. Like with anyone else it's only ever about sex, or lust, or desire. And I could fuck the same person repeatedly over a period of time. But it would never ever be like it is with her. And for me, if I stop believing that someday, we'll end up together. If I stop trusting that fate has it all mapped out, that whether in a year or 10 year's time, we'll end up together, then it's like not having faith in myself. I just wish I didn't feel like I had the whole world to fight in order to believe in me.
And it would be nice if someone other than myself believed in me!
I love her. I love FT. I can't say sometimes I wish I didn't, because I'd be lying. I love how it feels to love her. I love how it feels to have her on my mind, in all senses. And I love knowing that she loves me. I wish I had the answers, or could press a fast forward button. Up until now I was enjoying things as they were... getting to know each other again, taking things as they came. I was enjoying the prospect of the chance of dating FT, and showing her the 'real me'. Not the angry, bitter individual she suffered for so long.
Yet now, as it turns out, I feel angry and upset. At the way my mum is being. And it's another issue I didn't want to have to deal with. It should never be an issue... I'm an adult. I feel upset, and isolated, and alone. I love FT. I want to open up to her, and confide in her, and have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Yet ironically, at a point when I've learned the damage that keeping anger and hurt inside can do, we're not in a relationship anymore for me to open up the way I want to. The way she as a person, and the only person in the world, allows me to.
And that is the pressure that is not needed when you're 'seeing how things go'. It's the kind of thing that makes the other person run in the other direction. My mother's not stupid. She knows this, and it's probably what she's banking on to destroy any chance FT and I will ever have. So yeah, I'm in a full blown position to get hurt. Which is crap, when things were going so well, and I actually believed. Now I just feel as though fear and panic has set in, and it's screwing everything up, and I've gone from an attractive, sexy, fun-loving, easy going individual who is enjoying life as it is, to feeling as though I'm losing everything again, and that FT and Spoonsie are all I have left.
It's fucking it all up. And I feel like I'm losing my reasons to fight. Hell, she should run. It doesn't matter that I love her, just save herself and run. Before I destroy her as well as me, cos to be honest, I feel like I'm more than half way there with me already!
So why is it I feel as though mine don't? Well, more specifically, my mother.
I've been lame at updating my blog of late. Is that because things have been going well and part of me has felt like I didn't want to waste time blogging instead of making the most of the trivialities of life itself? Or is it because I've been avoiding issues which have been pressing me, niggling in the back of my mind, hoping that maybe they'll go away by themselves?
I deserve to be happy right? Surely everyone deserves that? And am I foolish to think that someday things will all go smoothly and I can just live my life and be me without worrying about who I upset, disappoint or piss off in the long run?
Fuck, just ignore me, I'm an idealist!
Right now, I can't go into the ups and downs of it all in detail. This is going to be some halfwit gobbledegook post as a way of me venting a few things and probably dealing with none of the problems I'm having. But then I guess it's my way of at least starting to face up to the fact that they're there. A start at least!
So back to the parental unconditonal love. I feel like such a fucking disappointment to my mother it's unreal. And why? ultimately because she thinks that the way I'm dealing with my life right now is all wrong, and she'd like me to deal with it in a different way. Fair enough you say, she's entitled to her opinion, and I agree whole-heartedly. But anyone that knows my mother knows about the constant 'air of disapproval' I face on a day to day basis. And it's not so much what she says, but the way she says it, and what she implies, and even what she doesn't say. To the point that the whole world knows her view on a particular situation.
She doesn't talk to my Nan A (her mother) anymore. Hasn't done for a couple of years, due to a disagreement over my cousin and how he is treated considering he isn't blood related. In that instance, I agree with my mother's point of view over the whole thing, but to the point of cutting my Nan and that side of the family out of her life? No way.
Ultimately I'm a peace-seeking kinda gal. I'm a libran and as such, I'm all about balance and harmony... that much is very true of me. So I hate the whole fucking fall out thing. Yeah, Mum says I'm not involved, but it's fucking awkward being stuck in the middle. It hurts, and I just want my family back. No, I don't like that she's never got a good word to say about my Nan. And the real thing with my mum, is you are either very obviously 'on her side', or your against her. Of course she doesn't say this out loud, but she makes you feel it very clearly with her actions.
So of course, the fact that I'm living my life the way I see fit to right now. Perfectionist, idealist, romantic, whatever you want to call it (she'd say fucking mug, but that's besides the point), surely its my life to live how I want? And just because she's my mother and she feels like she is responsible to pick up the pieces if it all goes tits up again, surely that doesn't give her the right to provide the attitude 'either you do things my way, which I see to be right, or I'll take great pleasure if they go wrong, and tell you I told you so all the time, and if they go how you want, and not how I predict they will, I'm prepared to say goodbye to the relationship we had'.
That's where I am right now.
It's her way or the high way.
Apparently, I'm the scum of the earth either way. And she has 'nothing to lose' because things aren't like they were before I left home and developed a life of my own, which is basically the equivalent to me growing up. I mean, what 25 year old tells their mother everything? And asks for relationship advice? Least of all when the one person you're hooked on is the one person you know if you mention to her you're going to get a derogatory comment about, so it's easier to deal with things yourself.
I basically told her the other day that I have to live my life the way I feel is right at the time, and I appreciate that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I have to do what I feel is right, and at least trust in myself to be right, and fight for what I believe in. If I don't have that, then as a person, I have nothing. I tried to explain that this is what I have to do, to be me. And as far as I could see, I love and respect her opinion, but she can either stop getting the arse and trying to force me into doing things her way with emotional blackmail and awkwardness, and be happy for me and how far I've come and stuff, or she can continue to try and guilt me into living my life the way she thinks I should, and face losing any relationship we ever had, as it just serves to stifle me and push me away as I strive to maintain my independence and individuality.
I don't know what good it's done. In some ways she seems like I've explained myself well and she's taken it on board and trying to not cause a rift. But in other ways, it still seems like she's trying to show me things are different and that she does still have the arse, or is 'getting used' to things being different and doing stuff without me etc.
I don't fucking know anymore.
I've not eaten properly since Sunday. Part of me is hungry. Part of me isn't. I'm sick of being pushed from pillar to post. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going.
She says she doesn't like the 'power' FT has over me. Which equates to the fact that I'll do anything for her, and go out of my way to make her happy. To put a smile on her face. To spend time with her, and talk to her, etc. It's not power. It's love! That's what you do when you love someone! Truth be known, she's just pissed that she never married anyone that cared for her half as much as I do for FT. I've always felt like there's been a constant competition, as though she's done things to play herself off against FT, and she loses every time. Because that is the nature of things when children grow up. Their parents go from being the centre of their universe to watching them fall in love and treat someone they treasure in the way in which their parents have taught them. She's supposed to be proud of who I am. And how I treat people. Yet she just seems to get pissed about the difference it makes to how I used to be before I grew up. If she had a normal loving relationship with my Dad, then I wouldn't be the focus anymore. Truth is they only stayed together to provide a stable family unit for me, and then he was diagnosed with MS and she felt too guilty to leave and didn't want the carer responsibility to fall on my shoulders.
So now it's like I'm still the focus, and the only way to not meet her disapproval is to link the ball and chain and not to anything I ever want to, and to live my life the way she wants me to.
I wish the fucking doctors would set me up with this councellor already.
I tell you what. I'm feeling so fucking low about it all, I'm nearly at that stupid point I got to before. No, I can't cope. I don't want to live my life like this. I don't want to fall out with my mother, or disappoint her. Yet I can't live my life the way I want to without doing that. And yes, surprisingly, it does make me want to kill myself. It pushes me to the point of 'what's the point?' and 'Nothing matters, because nothing I do can be right'.
And I don't want to be here right now. Why? Because, to be honest, FT is the only reason I haven't done something stupid already. Because deep down, in my heart, I really do believe that somewhere down the line, we are meant to be together. And with all this shit going on with my mother right now, that's the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Because there are no certains, or definites. It's all a huge leap of faith, and I don't want to be here and dealing with any of this family shit, and seeing my family as I knew it be destroyed in one fell swoop, but I stick around because I believe we have something special. And I hate it, because right now, it's unnecessary pressure we don't need. I wish it wasn't how I felt. I wish she wasn't being a cow.
I hate the panicking feeling inside that because she knows my mum is being difficult like this, that FT might think none of this is worth the stress and hassle. Hell, why would anyone stick around when someone is horrible like that? I hate feeling that my mother is banking on the fact that if FT does love me, that she will walk away because she wouldn't want me to lose my family. I hate it. I just hate it. I really am not worth the hassle in the slightest. I know that. And I'm scared shitless that she'll think so too.
And it's all my mother's doing.
As if it isn't hard enough to deal with the uncertainties and the maybes. I mean, sex is one thing, and attraction another, and lust something else. dealing with all that is one thing, but feeling as though there's one person you really connect with, and I can fully understand falling for someone else and all that kind of thing. But there's only one person in the world I would want to settle down with. One person I'd want to share important experiences with. One person in the world whose babies I want running around the place. And I know that person is FT.
At times, I wish it wasn't. I wish I could run a hundred miles in the other direction. But she makes me smile from inside. Like I can't explain. Like with anyone else it's only ever about sex, or lust, or desire. And I could fuck the same person repeatedly over a period of time. But it would never ever be like it is with her. And for me, if I stop believing that someday, we'll end up together. If I stop trusting that fate has it all mapped out, that whether in a year or 10 year's time, we'll end up together, then it's like not having faith in myself. I just wish I didn't feel like I had the whole world to fight in order to believe in me.
And it would be nice if someone other than myself believed in me!
I love her. I love FT. I can't say sometimes I wish I didn't, because I'd be lying. I love how it feels to love her. I love how it feels to have her on my mind, in all senses. And I love knowing that she loves me. I wish I had the answers, or could press a fast forward button. Up until now I was enjoying things as they were... getting to know each other again, taking things as they came. I was enjoying the prospect of the chance of dating FT, and showing her the 'real me'. Not the angry, bitter individual she suffered for so long.
Yet now, as it turns out, I feel angry and upset. At the way my mum is being. And it's another issue I didn't want to have to deal with. It should never be an issue... I'm an adult. I feel upset, and isolated, and alone. I love FT. I want to open up to her, and confide in her, and have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Yet ironically, at a point when I've learned the damage that keeping anger and hurt inside can do, we're not in a relationship anymore for me to open up the way I want to. The way she as a person, and the only person in the world, allows me to.
And that is the pressure that is not needed when you're 'seeing how things go'. It's the kind of thing that makes the other person run in the other direction. My mother's not stupid. She knows this, and it's probably what she's banking on to destroy any chance FT and I will ever have. So yeah, I'm in a full blown position to get hurt. Which is crap, when things were going so well, and I actually believed. Now I just feel as though fear and panic has set in, and it's screwing everything up, and I've gone from an attractive, sexy, fun-loving, easy going individual who is enjoying life as it is, to feeling as though I'm losing everything again, and that FT and Spoonsie are all I have left.
It's fucking it all up. And I feel like I'm losing my reasons to fight. Hell, she should run. It doesn't matter that I love her, just save herself and run. Before I destroy her as well as me, cos to be honest, I feel like I'm more than half way there with me already!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
