I'm not sure I know how to articulate myself right now. Things have just gone crazy again. I'm not sure I know how to deal with it all. And all the while, I keep telling myself 'hang in there' and 'keep going'. But for what? I don't know.
I still hate living at home. Things maybe aren't as bad as they were last week. Judging by the fact that I'm not spending hours a day crying into my pillow at the magnitude of what is my shit life. I just don't know what I want. Or maybe I do, and I just can't see myself getting there. Maybe the easier thing to do is just to give up without trying, seeing as right now I don't feel like a day passes without a new vision of war wounds upon my already destroyed soul.
In truth, I want to run away. Get away from it all. Just being here reminds me constantly of what a glorified fuck up I am. It was supposed to feel like being in a place where I was loved no matter what. Where I could be me, and do my own thing, and just have people around who cared and loved me for me. In actuality, it's not like that at all. I'm in a place where I just feel like I'm not wanted unless I'm someone else. Unless I'm someone different. Which, when you have tendancies to wish you was anyone but yourself to fix your pityful excuse of a life, is not what you need. I'd rather be anyone but me most of the time.
And all the pointing out of my good qualities, and things that I've got going for me, just don't seem to cut the mustard.
'You're kind, loving, caring, generous, honest, dependable, reliable, smart, intelligent, thoughtful, etc etc' But let's face it, I can't be that great, because FT and I aren't together anymore, so I can't be that perfect. But then there are reasons for that, which I completely understand. But then it should stand to reason, that if I have all these qualities, and I'm that 'wonderful' being at home shouldn't be like it is right now. But it is, which leads me to the ultimate conclusion that people just say I'm great and stuff to make me feel better, when the reality is what I've always felt, that I'm not great, and not worth pissing on if I was on fire, and FT deserves someone better, and I'm just a complete disappointment, and my mother deserves a better daughter.
Granted, I've not had much, but I have had enough of the professional guidance to know that self worth, and importance and things need to come from within. But there's only so much I can take, thinking 'you know what, I am a good person, and FT will never find anyone better, and I do bend over backwards for people, and I am all of the above'. But sometimes, when everyone's attitude and reactions point otherwise, it is hard to actually believe what you know inside to be right.
It seems easier to run away. And if I didn't think it'd lead me to a road of stupidity, I would.
Deep down, I know I'm a wonderful incredible person, and I have a lot to offer the world. But sometimes, it is nice to feel that other people think that too.
I suppose right now, my self resolve is weakening, and I don't know how to get it back. If indeed I can at all.
Someone very sensible once said 'You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'. And I agree entirely.
I don't think I ever really appreciated my relationship with FT until it and she wasn't there in the same capacity anymore. Which is a suicide factor in the world of relationships. But you can go over the 'if only's' and the 'what if's' forever.
I don't think I ever really appreciated the importance of my family in my life until right now when everything seems incredibly different, and not like it used to be at all.
But everyone has me the same as always. I'm still around to do stuff for the family as and when they need it. I'll still bend over backwards to try and remain part of the fold, even if I do get a touch of the cold shoulder and resentment because I juggle that around living my life the way I want to these days, something I never did as a kid. I've made a rod for my own back there!
FT and I had a discussion on the phone the other night. She pretty much said she wishes she had the opportunity to miss me. By that, not meaning that she doesn't, but just the fact that me being me, I'm always around in the same capacity that I always have been. I still do sweet things, and put myself out, and bend over backwards and do absolutely anything and everything that I think will make her happy. Not that that's a bad thing, but she's always had it in her life since I walked into it. She said she doesn't know what it would feel like not to have that. It's back the the 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' scenario, and for FT, it's never been gone. So I think she thinks she maybe doesn't know how much she has, or values me or what we had, because I'm not really much different.
We've agreed to try a complete 'no affection' and 'complete hands off' approach for now. She says it might give her a kick as to what she is missing, rather than us not being together, but always having the security and knowing that I'll always be there to bend over backwards no matter what happens, whenever the chips are down.
I know it needs to happen, and it is the right thing to do. And if there is ever to be any future for us ever in the future, then this is definetely what needs to happen for it to occur. I think it'll do us both the world of good. I need reminding that I am a wonderful person, and that I do do absolutely anything and everything in my power to achieve her happiness. And I think we both need reminding of that, and just making damn sure that it is something that no one else in the world would ever be able to give. Of that I am certain.
I just wish that right now everything else wasn't so crap. I wish that I could believe better in myself and what I have to offer. I'm scared because this is the time that I need to show my strength, and what I have to offer, and all that I am, and that it is great and there is no one in the world ever that could love and give like I do. I'm scared shitless because everything right now just has me feeling like I am an absolute waster and disappointment and not worth spitting on if I were on fire.
I'm scared because I have everything to lose all over again. I'm scared because if I feel like that deep down right now, then that's what I'm going to project to the world, and it will only ultimately serve to show FT that in actual fact, she's missing nothing.
Her feelings are as mixed as mine are. It's all just a mess. I don't know how to be with the 'hands off, just strictly friends' approach. Purely because everything I have ever done and said has only ever been out of complete and utter love. So to try and equate that to the same sort of reaction to Doofus, who is my bestest friend, I'm at a loss. The truth is, I'm not that good-a-friend. If I don't feel in the mood, or can't be bothered, I won't be. Yet for FT, I jump even if I'm not in the mood. I don't put myself out to go and see them, or call them and stuff, maybe not as much as they'd like. I'm crap at giving advice, unless it meets my opinion. If I can't afford to do something, I don't make the effort, I don't go. I rarely say 'sod the money'. In fact, I can't think of a scenario when I have actually been a good friend when someone needed me. And these are people I love and care about. Maybe my mother has it right!
I just feel like I have nothing. And no one to talk to. I don't want to be an emotional wreck. I don't want to be not coping. I want to be who I really am inside, or would be if I didn't feel such a pariah to people who are supposed to care about me: a suave, sexy, independent, confident, caring, honest, dependable, loving, seductive, mysterious woman. They're the bits I want to portray to the world. The bits I want FT to remember she misses. I'm just scared that by the time I can get my head around this emotional abuse, it will all be too late.
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Nostalgia
Anyone encountered the wonder that is Facebook? Well it makes myspace look like a pile of shit on rice in my opinion! So in the great 'facebook vs myspace race', you can guess who I'm backing all the way!
Yes, I did have my issues with Facebook, and still do in some ways, as it won't allow me to join my old university network as I'm an alumni and don't have a current .ac.uk email address. But in the grand scheme of things, as much as it doth piss me off, I am still loving it!
Infact, I check facebook now before I check my emails!
Through Facebook, I have been reconnected with at least 30 or more people I haven't spoken to, or seen for many years. I can't marvel at the wonder of it enough.
So yes, I'm feeling nostalgic!
I've been chatting to people I went to school with, people who I got on with, but never really had much time for at school. To people who my enthusiasm for class competitions pissed off no end. It's just funny that how as adults you have so much more time, reasoning and understanding for people. Somehow the little things that bothered you then seem so inconsequential now. You can move on with your life, and show a genuine interest in people without half of the teenage angst you felt back then.
And I must say, as much as I said back then that I didn't care about so and so, or acted as though it didn't matter to me what someone else did with their life, I mean, I was reassured in the fact that I stayed in contact with the people who I was really good friends with, and as much as I thought I was cool with it all. It is really nice to find out what people have been up to, what direction life has taken them in, whether they're married, have kids, etc, etc.
I suppose my one true regret from it all was that I didn't try half as hard enough to keep in contact, or make as much of an effort with people as I would have liked. That upsets me and makes me sad. And you can make excuses until you're blue in the face, but let's face it, sometimes, there is just no excuse.
So right now, I'm enjoying finding people, and catching up with people. Learning how they've changed and how they are the same. And them doing the same with me.
I suppose most of my nostalgia settles around one person in particular. I shall call him A. His parents and my parents were best friends when we were growing up, and consequently, we spent lots of time together. We'd be round each other's houses every other weekend, the parents doing their thing, and us doing ours. He has 2 brothers W & R, but age wise, we were the closest with just 2 and a half years difference, and we just gelled and got on.
You know when you see these little kids, inseparable, holding hands, not wanting to go anywhere without the other? That was us. We were 'paired up' from a young age. As far back as I can remember, I remember going to firework displays, my family and his. And we'd walk all the way there holding hands, and I remember it was dark and I couldn't really see where I was going, so I just held on for dear life. I remember family caravan holidays to Cornwall and the Kent coast and things like that. We'd have one huge caravan for 4 kids and 4 adults, and we always had a fight over who was having the top bunk in the caravan. A and I had this thing. It must have been like 1986 or 1988 something like that. When Kylie and Jason released 'Especially for you'. They did a performance on Top of The Pops, which A and I memorised completely, and we'd put the video on over and over again, and mimic the actions.
Looking back now, it's completely cringeworthy, and I can't believe I'm admitting to it. It's weird what you remember! But that is the innocence of kids, in all their adorable glory.
A was the first person that ever got me anything for Valentine's Day. We'd always send each other cards and gifts. Like I said, we were paired up from birth!
Then our parents got more and more distant, and we saw less and less of each other. Plus we were both getting to be teenagers, and there was school and new friends, and everything. We just lost touch.
To be honest, that is one thing I do regret. Not because I think anything would be different now, but because we used to get on so well. We were such good friends, and we were separated at a point in our lives when you just go with the flow of the parents, and so it seemed natural. I was never happy about it, but there seemed little I could do to change it. And by the time I go to a position where I had independance and felt like I could lead my life without parental direction 24/7, too much time had passed and I didn't have the courage to throw myself back in there to re-establish a friendship.
I was with some other old friends, a few weeks back now. Ones that knew A and I when we were kids. And what with me coming to terms with my sexuality, and developing an exceptionally good 'gaydar' for want of a better word, we got onto the discussion about whether or not we though A was gay. And we came to the conclusion it was a unanimous 'YES'. But it's not the sort of thing you're going to find out by chance, or even ask someone if you happen to bump into them after 12 years.
Anyway, I found A on Facebook the other night. It was a complete mixture of emotions rolled into one. It was like being a kid again, and remembering all the good times and all the fun, and then the bittersweet kick of a distance in my heart I felt shouldn't have been there. We ended up adding each other as friends, and have been chatting and catching up. He left a post on my wall, after obviously reading my profile, commenting on me going to uni, and also mentioning that he has been with his boyfiend for just over 6 months.
So it seems my gaydar does not fail me!
But that's besides the point! It was nice to catch up and find out stuff about him, and him me, when we've been out of touch for so long.
One thing from this all does make me sad, and wonder if things might have been different though. A has obviously been through the coming to terms with who he is, and being gay and stuff, as have I. I just can't help feeling sad that maybe if we hadn't lost touch like we did, that maybe things might have been easier for us both to come to terms with if we had each other there? OK, so I have no knowledge of how his coming out experience was, whether he had a rocky patch or whether it was all smooth or not, or when it even happened. But maybe if we hadn't lost contact, I might have been able to face up to my feelings sooner than I did? And maybe that wouldn't have had such a detrimental effect on my relationship with FT? Sometimes I do feel like I just need a gay big brother who understands all the issues and ups and downs, and who will just be there when you need someone. Maybe if A and I had been closer when I was coming out, maybe his support and advice, and just knowing that there was someone there, maybe I wouldn't have handled it so badly?
Of course, I can't answer any of this in the slightest. I don't have the answers. Ad right now, it doesn't change anything. I am just glad he seems so settled in himself, and that things seem to be going well, and so happy.
Hopefully one day maybe we can be close again? Who knows?
Yes, I did have my issues with Facebook, and still do in some ways, as it won't allow me to join my old university network as I'm an alumni and don't have a current .ac.uk email address. But in the grand scheme of things, as much as it doth piss me off, I am still loving it!
Infact, I check facebook now before I check my emails!
Through Facebook, I have been reconnected with at least 30 or more people I haven't spoken to, or seen for many years. I can't marvel at the wonder of it enough.
So yes, I'm feeling nostalgic!
I've been chatting to people I went to school with, people who I got on with, but never really had much time for at school. To people who my enthusiasm for class competitions pissed off no end. It's just funny that how as adults you have so much more time, reasoning and understanding for people. Somehow the little things that bothered you then seem so inconsequential now. You can move on with your life, and show a genuine interest in people without half of the teenage angst you felt back then.
And I must say, as much as I said back then that I didn't care about so and so, or acted as though it didn't matter to me what someone else did with their life, I mean, I was reassured in the fact that I stayed in contact with the people who I was really good friends with, and as much as I thought I was cool with it all. It is really nice to find out what people have been up to, what direction life has taken them in, whether they're married, have kids, etc, etc.
I suppose my one true regret from it all was that I didn't try half as hard enough to keep in contact, or make as much of an effort with people as I would have liked. That upsets me and makes me sad. And you can make excuses until you're blue in the face, but let's face it, sometimes, there is just no excuse.
So right now, I'm enjoying finding people, and catching up with people. Learning how they've changed and how they are the same. And them doing the same with me.
I suppose most of my nostalgia settles around one person in particular. I shall call him A. His parents and my parents were best friends when we were growing up, and consequently, we spent lots of time together. We'd be round each other's houses every other weekend, the parents doing their thing, and us doing ours. He has 2 brothers W & R, but age wise, we were the closest with just 2 and a half years difference, and we just gelled and got on.
You know when you see these little kids, inseparable, holding hands, not wanting to go anywhere without the other? That was us. We were 'paired up' from a young age. As far back as I can remember, I remember going to firework displays, my family and his. And we'd walk all the way there holding hands, and I remember it was dark and I couldn't really see where I was going, so I just held on for dear life. I remember family caravan holidays to Cornwall and the Kent coast and things like that. We'd have one huge caravan for 4 kids and 4 adults, and we always had a fight over who was having the top bunk in the caravan. A and I had this thing. It must have been like 1986 or 1988 something like that. When Kylie and Jason released 'Especially for you'. They did a performance on Top of The Pops, which A and I memorised completely, and we'd put the video on over and over again, and mimic the actions.
Looking back now, it's completely cringeworthy, and I can't believe I'm admitting to it. It's weird what you remember! But that is the innocence of kids, in all their adorable glory.
A was the first person that ever got me anything for Valentine's Day. We'd always send each other cards and gifts. Like I said, we were paired up from birth!
Then our parents got more and more distant, and we saw less and less of each other. Plus we were both getting to be teenagers, and there was school and new friends, and everything. We just lost touch.
To be honest, that is one thing I do regret. Not because I think anything would be different now, but because we used to get on so well. We were such good friends, and we were separated at a point in our lives when you just go with the flow of the parents, and so it seemed natural. I was never happy about it, but there seemed little I could do to change it. And by the time I go to a position where I had independance and felt like I could lead my life without parental direction 24/7, too much time had passed and I didn't have the courage to throw myself back in there to re-establish a friendship.
I was with some other old friends, a few weeks back now. Ones that knew A and I when we were kids. And what with me coming to terms with my sexuality, and developing an exceptionally good 'gaydar' for want of a better word, we got onto the discussion about whether or not we though A was gay. And we came to the conclusion it was a unanimous 'YES'. But it's not the sort of thing you're going to find out by chance, or even ask someone if you happen to bump into them after 12 years.
Anyway, I found A on Facebook the other night. It was a complete mixture of emotions rolled into one. It was like being a kid again, and remembering all the good times and all the fun, and then the bittersweet kick of a distance in my heart I felt shouldn't have been there. We ended up adding each other as friends, and have been chatting and catching up. He left a post on my wall, after obviously reading my profile, commenting on me going to uni, and also mentioning that he has been with his boyfiend for just over 6 months.
So it seems my gaydar does not fail me!
But that's besides the point! It was nice to catch up and find out stuff about him, and him me, when we've been out of touch for so long.
One thing from this all does make me sad, and wonder if things might have been different though. A has obviously been through the coming to terms with who he is, and being gay and stuff, as have I. I just can't help feeling sad that maybe if we hadn't lost touch like we did, that maybe things might have been easier for us both to come to terms with if we had each other there? OK, so I have no knowledge of how his coming out experience was, whether he had a rocky patch or whether it was all smooth or not, or when it even happened. But maybe if we hadn't lost contact, I might have been able to face up to my feelings sooner than I did? And maybe that wouldn't have had such a detrimental effect on my relationship with FT? Sometimes I do feel like I just need a gay big brother who understands all the issues and ups and downs, and who will just be there when you need someone. Maybe if A and I had been closer when I was coming out, maybe his support and advice, and just knowing that there was someone there, maybe I wouldn't have handled it so badly?
Of course, I can't answer any of this in the slightest. I don't have the answers. Ad right now, it doesn't change anything. I am just glad he seems so settled in himself, and that things seem to be going well, and so happy.
Hopefully one day maybe we can be close again? Who knows?
Thursday, 24 May 2007
Untitled
I can't sleep. I wish I could, but I can't.
Right now I just feel as there's only one thing in the world that could make me feel any better.
I want to be held, and cuddled, and told that everything is going to be alright. That things will work out for the best, and that I have to believe that, and have faith in what I believe in.
I want to feel wanted, and needed. I want to feel desired, more than anything else right now. I want to be kissed, and to be touched. Like I'm special. Like I'm important. Like I'm not just anyone, but like I'm someone. I want to give myself, and to trust. But I'm scared. I need to feel her, and I need to be close to her. I want her to want me, not because she feels sorry for me, or wants to make me happy, but because she wants me. I miss her. She's so far away. But right now, I'm seriously considering the 4 hour drive to Sheffield, just to be close to her. I can't, I know I can't. But wanting and desiring her this much right now is even more impossible than usual. Only I don't say anything to her because I'm scared of rejection. It's not an ideal time for her, right in the middle of her finals, and deadlines left right and centre. It's not fair for me to be an added pressure right now.
God I want her though. And I don't quite know what to do!
Life is too complicated by half sometimes!
Right now I just feel as there's only one thing in the world that could make me feel any better.
I want to be held, and cuddled, and told that everything is going to be alright. That things will work out for the best, and that I have to believe that, and have faith in what I believe in.
I want to feel wanted, and needed. I want to feel desired, more than anything else right now. I want to be kissed, and to be touched. Like I'm special. Like I'm important. Like I'm not just anyone, but like I'm someone. I want to give myself, and to trust. But I'm scared. I need to feel her, and I need to be close to her. I want her to want me, not because she feels sorry for me, or wants to make me happy, but because she wants me. I miss her. She's so far away. But right now, I'm seriously considering the 4 hour drive to Sheffield, just to be close to her. I can't, I know I can't. But wanting and desiring her this much right now is even more impossible than usual. Only I don't say anything to her because I'm scared of rejection. It's not an ideal time for her, right in the middle of her finals, and deadlines left right and centre. It's not fair for me to be an added pressure right now.
God I want her though. And I don't quite know what to do!
Life is too complicated by half sometimes!
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Round And Round In Circles
Parents are supposed to love unconditionally right?
So why is it I feel as though mine don't? Well, more specifically, my mother.
I've been lame at updating my blog of late. Is that because things have been going well and part of me has felt like I didn't want to waste time blogging instead of making the most of the trivialities of life itself? Or is it because I've been avoiding issues which have been pressing me, niggling in the back of my mind, hoping that maybe they'll go away by themselves?
I deserve to be happy right? Surely everyone deserves that? And am I foolish to think that someday things will all go smoothly and I can just live my life and be me without worrying about who I upset, disappoint or piss off in the long run?
Fuck, just ignore me, I'm an idealist!
Right now, I can't go into the ups and downs of it all in detail. This is going to be some halfwit gobbledegook post as a way of me venting a few things and probably dealing with none of the problems I'm having. But then I guess it's my way of at least starting to face up to the fact that they're there. A start at least!
So back to the parental unconditonal love. I feel like such a fucking disappointment to my mother it's unreal. And why? ultimately because she thinks that the way I'm dealing with my life right now is all wrong, and she'd like me to deal with it in a different way. Fair enough you say, she's entitled to her opinion, and I agree whole-heartedly. But anyone that knows my mother knows about the constant 'air of disapproval' I face on a day to day basis. And it's not so much what she says, but the way she says it, and what she implies, and even what she doesn't say. To the point that the whole world knows her view on a particular situation.
She doesn't talk to my Nan A (her mother) anymore. Hasn't done for a couple of years, due to a disagreement over my cousin and how he is treated considering he isn't blood related. In that instance, I agree with my mother's point of view over the whole thing, but to the point of cutting my Nan and that side of the family out of her life? No way.
Ultimately I'm a peace-seeking kinda gal. I'm a libran and as such, I'm all about balance and harmony... that much is very true of me. So I hate the whole fucking fall out thing. Yeah, Mum says I'm not involved, but it's fucking awkward being stuck in the middle. It hurts, and I just want my family back. No, I don't like that she's never got a good word to say about my Nan. And the real thing with my mum, is you are either very obviously 'on her side', or your against her. Of course she doesn't say this out loud, but she makes you feel it very clearly with her actions.
So of course, the fact that I'm living my life the way I see fit to right now. Perfectionist, idealist, romantic, whatever you want to call it (she'd say fucking mug, but that's besides the point), surely its my life to live how I want? And just because she's my mother and she feels like she is responsible to pick up the pieces if it all goes tits up again, surely that doesn't give her the right to provide the attitude 'either you do things my way, which I see to be right, or I'll take great pleasure if they go wrong, and tell you I told you so all the time, and if they go how you want, and not how I predict they will, I'm prepared to say goodbye to the relationship we had'.
That's where I am right now.
It's her way or the high way.
Apparently, I'm the scum of the earth either way. And she has 'nothing to lose' because things aren't like they were before I left home and developed a life of my own, which is basically the equivalent to me growing up. I mean, what 25 year old tells their mother everything? And asks for relationship advice? Least of all when the one person you're hooked on is the one person you know if you mention to her you're going to get a derogatory comment about, so it's easier to deal with things yourself.
I basically told her the other day that I have to live my life the way I feel is right at the time, and I appreciate that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I have to do what I feel is right, and at least trust in myself to be right, and fight for what I believe in. If I don't have that, then as a person, I have nothing. I tried to explain that this is what I have to do, to be me. And as far as I could see, I love and respect her opinion, but she can either stop getting the arse and trying to force me into doing things her way with emotional blackmail and awkwardness, and be happy for me and how far I've come and stuff, or she can continue to try and guilt me into living my life the way she thinks I should, and face losing any relationship we ever had, as it just serves to stifle me and push me away as I strive to maintain my independence and individuality.
I don't know what good it's done. In some ways she seems like I've explained myself well and she's taken it on board and trying to not cause a rift. But in other ways, it still seems like she's trying to show me things are different and that she does still have the arse, or is 'getting used' to things being different and doing stuff without me etc.
I don't fucking know anymore.
I've not eaten properly since Sunday. Part of me is hungry. Part of me isn't. I'm sick of being pushed from pillar to post. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going.
She says she doesn't like the 'power' FT has over me. Which equates to the fact that I'll do anything for her, and go out of my way to make her happy. To put a smile on her face. To spend time with her, and talk to her, etc. It's not power. It's love! That's what you do when you love someone! Truth be known, she's just pissed that she never married anyone that cared for her half as much as I do for FT. I've always felt like there's been a constant competition, as though she's done things to play herself off against FT, and she loses every time. Because that is the nature of things when children grow up. Their parents go from being the centre of their universe to watching them fall in love and treat someone they treasure in the way in which their parents have taught them. She's supposed to be proud of who I am. And how I treat people. Yet she just seems to get pissed about the difference it makes to how I used to be before I grew up. If she had a normal loving relationship with my Dad, then I wouldn't be the focus anymore. Truth is they only stayed together to provide a stable family unit for me, and then he was diagnosed with MS and she felt too guilty to leave and didn't want the carer responsibility to fall on my shoulders.
So now it's like I'm still the focus, and the only way to not meet her disapproval is to link the ball and chain and not to anything I ever want to, and to live my life the way she wants me to.
I wish the fucking doctors would set me up with this councellor already.
I tell you what. I'm feeling so fucking low about it all, I'm nearly at that stupid point I got to before. No, I can't cope. I don't want to live my life like this. I don't want to fall out with my mother, or disappoint her. Yet I can't live my life the way I want to without doing that. And yes, surprisingly, it does make me want to kill myself. It pushes me to the point of 'what's the point?' and 'Nothing matters, because nothing I do can be right'.
And I don't want to be here right now. Why? Because, to be honest, FT is the only reason I haven't done something stupid already. Because deep down, in my heart, I really do believe that somewhere down the line, we are meant to be together. And with all this shit going on with my mother right now, that's the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Because there are no certains, or definites. It's all a huge leap of faith, and I don't want to be here and dealing with any of this family shit, and seeing my family as I knew it be destroyed in one fell swoop, but I stick around because I believe we have something special. And I hate it, because right now, it's unnecessary pressure we don't need. I wish it wasn't how I felt. I wish she wasn't being a cow.
I hate the panicking feeling inside that because she knows my mum is being difficult like this, that FT might think none of this is worth the stress and hassle. Hell, why would anyone stick around when someone is horrible like that? I hate feeling that my mother is banking on the fact that if FT does love me, that she will walk away because she wouldn't want me to lose my family. I hate it. I just hate it. I really am not worth the hassle in the slightest. I know that. And I'm scared shitless that she'll think so too.
And it's all my mother's doing.
As if it isn't hard enough to deal with the uncertainties and the maybes. I mean, sex is one thing, and attraction another, and lust something else. dealing with all that is one thing, but feeling as though there's one person you really connect with, and I can fully understand falling for someone else and all that kind of thing. But there's only one person in the world I would want to settle down with. One person I'd want to share important experiences with. One person in the world whose babies I want running around the place. And I know that person is FT.
At times, I wish it wasn't. I wish I could run a hundred miles in the other direction. But she makes me smile from inside. Like I can't explain. Like with anyone else it's only ever about sex, or lust, or desire. And I could fuck the same person repeatedly over a period of time. But it would never ever be like it is with her. And for me, if I stop believing that someday, we'll end up together. If I stop trusting that fate has it all mapped out, that whether in a year or 10 year's time, we'll end up together, then it's like not having faith in myself. I just wish I didn't feel like I had the whole world to fight in order to believe in me.
And it would be nice if someone other than myself believed in me!
I love her. I love FT. I can't say sometimes I wish I didn't, because I'd be lying. I love how it feels to love her. I love how it feels to have her on my mind, in all senses. And I love knowing that she loves me. I wish I had the answers, or could press a fast forward button. Up until now I was enjoying things as they were... getting to know each other again, taking things as they came. I was enjoying the prospect of the chance of dating FT, and showing her the 'real me'. Not the angry, bitter individual she suffered for so long.
Yet now, as it turns out, I feel angry and upset. At the way my mum is being. And it's another issue I didn't want to have to deal with. It should never be an issue... I'm an adult. I feel upset, and isolated, and alone. I love FT. I want to open up to her, and confide in her, and have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Yet ironically, at a point when I've learned the damage that keeping anger and hurt inside can do, we're not in a relationship anymore for me to open up the way I want to. The way she as a person, and the only person in the world, allows me to.
And that is the pressure that is not needed when you're 'seeing how things go'. It's the kind of thing that makes the other person run in the other direction. My mother's not stupid. She knows this, and it's probably what she's banking on to destroy any chance FT and I will ever have. So yeah, I'm in a full blown position to get hurt. Which is crap, when things were going so well, and I actually believed. Now I just feel as though fear and panic has set in, and it's screwing everything up, and I've gone from an attractive, sexy, fun-loving, easy going individual who is enjoying life as it is, to feeling as though I'm losing everything again, and that FT and Spoonsie are all I have left.
It's fucking it all up. And I feel like I'm losing my reasons to fight. Hell, she should run. It doesn't matter that I love her, just save herself and run. Before I destroy her as well as me, cos to be honest, I feel like I'm more than half way there with me already!
So why is it I feel as though mine don't? Well, more specifically, my mother.
I've been lame at updating my blog of late. Is that because things have been going well and part of me has felt like I didn't want to waste time blogging instead of making the most of the trivialities of life itself? Or is it because I've been avoiding issues which have been pressing me, niggling in the back of my mind, hoping that maybe they'll go away by themselves?
I deserve to be happy right? Surely everyone deserves that? And am I foolish to think that someday things will all go smoothly and I can just live my life and be me without worrying about who I upset, disappoint or piss off in the long run?
Fuck, just ignore me, I'm an idealist!
Right now, I can't go into the ups and downs of it all in detail. This is going to be some halfwit gobbledegook post as a way of me venting a few things and probably dealing with none of the problems I'm having. But then I guess it's my way of at least starting to face up to the fact that they're there. A start at least!
So back to the parental unconditonal love. I feel like such a fucking disappointment to my mother it's unreal. And why? ultimately because she thinks that the way I'm dealing with my life right now is all wrong, and she'd like me to deal with it in a different way. Fair enough you say, she's entitled to her opinion, and I agree whole-heartedly. But anyone that knows my mother knows about the constant 'air of disapproval' I face on a day to day basis. And it's not so much what she says, but the way she says it, and what she implies, and even what she doesn't say. To the point that the whole world knows her view on a particular situation.
She doesn't talk to my Nan A (her mother) anymore. Hasn't done for a couple of years, due to a disagreement over my cousin and how he is treated considering he isn't blood related. In that instance, I agree with my mother's point of view over the whole thing, but to the point of cutting my Nan and that side of the family out of her life? No way.
Ultimately I'm a peace-seeking kinda gal. I'm a libran and as such, I'm all about balance and harmony... that much is very true of me. So I hate the whole fucking fall out thing. Yeah, Mum says I'm not involved, but it's fucking awkward being stuck in the middle. It hurts, and I just want my family back. No, I don't like that she's never got a good word to say about my Nan. And the real thing with my mum, is you are either very obviously 'on her side', or your against her. Of course she doesn't say this out loud, but she makes you feel it very clearly with her actions.
So of course, the fact that I'm living my life the way I see fit to right now. Perfectionist, idealist, romantic, whatever you want to call it (she'd say fucking mug, but that's besides the point), surely its my life to live how I want? And just because she's my mother and she feels like she is responsible to pick up the pieces if it all goes tits up again, surely that doesn't give her the right to provide the attitude 'either you do things my way, which I see to be right, or I'll take great pleasure if they go wrong, and tell you I told you so all the time, and if they go how you want, and not how I predict they will, I'm prepared to say goodbye to the relationship we had'.
That's where I am right now.
It's her way or the high way.
Apparently, I'm the scum of the earth either way. And she has 'nothing to lose' because things aren't like they were before I left home and developed a life of my own, which is basically the equivalent to me growing up. I mean, what 25 year old tells their mother everything? And asks for relationship advice? Least of all when the one person you're hooked on is the one person you know if you mention to her you're going to get a derogatory comment about, so it's easier to deal with things yourself.
I basically told her the other day that I have to live my life the way I feel is right at the time, and I appreciate that she doesn't want me to get hurt, but I have to do what I feel is right, and at least trust in myself to be right, and fight for what I believe in. If I don't have that, then as a person, I have nothing. I tried to explain that this is what I have to do, to be me. And as far as I could see, I love and respect her opinion, but she can either stop getting the arse and trying to force me into doing things her way with emotional blackmail and awkwardness, and be happy for me and how far I've come and stuff, or she can continue to try and guilt me into living my life the way she thinks I should, and face losing any relationship we ever had, as it just serves to stifle me and push me away as I strive to maintain my independence and individuality.
I don't know what good it's done. In some ways she seems like I've explained myself well and she's taken it on board and trying to not cause a rift. But in other ways, it still seems like she's trying to show me things are different and that she does still have the arse, or is 'getting used' to things being different and doing stuff without me etc.
I don't fucking know anymore.
I've not eaten properly since Sunday. Part of me is hungry. Part of me isn't. I'm sick of being pushed from pillar to post. Not knowing whether I'm coming or going.
She says she doesn't like the 'power' FT has over me. Which equates to the fact that I'll do anything for her, and go out of my way to make her happy. To put a smile on her face. To spend time with her, and talk to her, etc. It's not power. It's love! That's what you do when you love someone! Truth be known, she's just pissed that she never married anyone that cared for her half as much as I do for FT. I've always felt like there's been a constant competition, as though she's done things to play herself off against FT, and she loses every time. Because that is the nature of things when children grow up. Their parents go from being the centre of their universe to watching them fall in love and treat someone they treasure in the way in which their parents have taught them. She's supposed to be proud of who I am. And how I treat people. Yet she just seems to get pissed about the difference it makes to how I used to be before I grew up. If she had a normal loving relationship with my Dad, then I wouldn't be the focus anymore. Truth is they only stayed together to provide a stable family unit for me, and then he was diagnosed with MS and she felt too guilty to leave and didn't want the carer responsibility to fall on my shoulders.
So now it's like I'm still the focus, and the only way to not meet her disapproval is to link the ball and chain and not to anything I ever want to, and to live my life the way she wants me to.
I wish the fucking doctors would set me up with this councellor already.
I tell you what. I'm feeling so fucking low about it all, I'm nearly at that stupid point I got to before. No, I can't cope. I don't want to live my life like this. I don't want to fall out with my mother, or disappoint her. Yet I can't live my life the way I want to without doing that. And yes, surprisingly, it does make me want to kill myself. It pushes me to the point of 'what's the point?' and 'Nothing matters, because nothing I do can be right'.
And I don't want to be here right now. Why? Because, to be honest, FT is the only reason I haven't done something stupid already. Because deep down, in my heart, I really do believe that somewhere down the line, we are meant to be together. And with all this shit going on with my mother right now, that's the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Because there are no certains, or definites. It's all a huge leap of faith, and I don't want to be here and dealing with any of this family shit, and seeing my family as I knew it be destroyed in one fell swoop, but I stick around because I believe we have something special. And I hate it, because right now, it's unnecessary pressure we don't need. I wish it wasn't how I felt. I wish she wasn't being a cow.
I hate the panicking feeling inside that because she knows my mum is being difficult like this, that FT might think none of this is worth the stress and hassle. Hell, why would anyone stick around when someone is horrible like that? I hate feeling that my mother is banking on the fact that if FT does love me, that she will walk away because she wouldn't want me to lose my family. I hate it. I just hate it. I really am not worth the hassle in the slightest. I know that. And I'm scared shitless that she'll think so too.
And it's all my mother's doing.
As if it isn't hard enough to deal with the uncertainties and the maybes. I mean, sex is one thing, and attraction another, and lust something else. dealing with all that is one thing, but feeling as though there's one person you really connect with, and I can fully understand falling for someone else and all that kind of thing. But there's only one person in the world I would want to settle down with. One person I'd want to share important experiences with. One person in the world whose babies I want running around the place. And I know that person is FT.
At times, I wish it wasn't. I wish I could run a hundred miles in the other direction. But she makes me smile from inside. Like I can't explain. Like with anyone else it's only ever about sex, or lust, or desire. And I could fuck the same person repeatedly over a period of time. But it would never ever be like it is with her. And for me, if I stop believing that someday, we'll end up together. If I stop trusting that fate has it all mapped out, that whether in a year or 10 year's time, we'll end up together, then it's like not having faith in myself. I just wish I didn't feel like I had the whole world to fight in order to believe in me.
And it would be nice if someone other than myself believed in me!
I love her. I love FT. I can't say sometimes I wish I didn't, because I'd be lying. I love how it feels to love her. I love how it feels to have her on my mind, in all senses. And I love knowing that she loves me. I wish I had the answers, or could press a fast forward button. Up until now I was enjoying things as they were... getting to know each other again, taking things as they came. I was enjoying the prospect of the chance of dating FT, and showing her the 'real me'. Not the angry, bitter individual she suffered for so long.
Yet now, as it turns out, I feel angry and upset. At the way my mum is being. And it's another issue I didn't want to have to deal with. It should never be an issue... I'm an adult. I feel upset, and isolated, and alone. I love FT. I want to open up to her, and confide in her, and have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright. Yet ironically, at a point when I've learned the damage that keeping anger and hurt inside can do, we're not in a relationship anymore for me to open up the way I want to. The way she as a person, and the only person in the world, allows me to.
And that is the pressure that is not needed when you're 'seeing how things go'. It's the kind of thing that makes the other person run in the other direction. My mother's not stupid. She knows this, and it's probably what she's banking on to destroy any chance FT and I will ever have. So yeah, I'm in a full blown position to get hurt. Which is crap, when things were going so well, and I actually believed. Now I just feel as though fear and panic has set in, and it's screwing everything up, and I've gone from an attractive, sexy, fun-loving, easy going individual who is enjoying life as it is, to feeling as though I'm losing everything again, and that FT and Spoonsie are all I have left.
It's fucking it all up. And I feel like I'm losing my reasons to fight. Hell, she should run. It doesn't matter that I love her, just save herself and run. Before I destroy her as well as me, cos to be honest, I feel like I'm more than half way there with me already!
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Funny Hours... Funny Me!
I'm feeling a little uninspired today. Just sitting here chilling and listening to music, having downloaded loads and updated my iPod. I'm not feeling so empty in the range of good music anymore... well, for a while at least!
On a positive note. I've just received a letter. I was hoping it would be informing me about a job interview or something... but no news on that front yet :(. On the up side, it was still a positive letter.
It's the letter I was waiting for from the mental health worker at my doctor's surgery. It's not an appointment or anything, I have a form to fill in and wait for her to send me an appointment through (so bad news is more waiting won't be very good), but at least my name is now officially on their system, and if I fill this in and send it back today, then I'm making good progress. So hopefully I can be seeing a counseller relatively soon. Yes, so I am coming on leaps and bounds with things right now, but I know I still need or would strongly benefit from professional help, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. So fingers crossed and we'll see how that goes.
I didn't have much sleep last night. I had to go to the airport to pick up some friends who had been on holiday to the Maldives for a fortnight. Not that I minded, I quite liked driving along the motorway, along the open road with little traffic. I just love driving!
I did have one resounding thought though. That I really, really want to go to the Maldives! I know a few people who have been, and apparently, it's supposed to be the most wonderful place. Absolutely beautiful, and apparently you just walk around without shoes on because it's so tropical and gorgeous. What can be better than golden sandy beaches (and I'm not particularly fond of sand), crystal clear blue water, gorgeous sunshine and incredible scenery? I want me some of that!
So it leaves me hoping and praying for a fairly immediate windfall so I could actually afford to go! Enough money for an all expenses paid trip... and I'd love to take FT. I know she'd love it, and there's no one else in the world I would rather go with.
Keep my fingers crossed and keep dreaming then...
Never say never!
On a positive note. I've just received a letter. I was hoping it would be informing me about a job interview or something... but no news on that front yet :(. On the up side, it was still a positive letter.
It's the letter I was waiting for from the mental health worker at my doctor's surgery. It's not an appointment or anything, I have a form to fill in and wait for her to send me an appointment through (so bad news is more waiting won't be very good), but at least my name is now officially on their system, and if I fill this in and send it back today, then I'm making good progress. So hopefully I can be seeing a counseller relatively soon. Yes, so I am coming on leaps and bounds with things right now, but I know I still need or would strongly benefit from professional help, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. So fingers crossed and we'll see how that goes.
I didn't have much sleep last night. I had to go to the airport to pick up some friends who had been on holiday to the Maldives for a fortnight. Not that I minded, I quite liked driving along the motorway, along the open road with little traffic. I just love driving!
I did have one resounding thought though. That I really, really want to go to the Maldives! I know a few people who have been, and apparently, it's supposed to be the most wonderful place. Absolutely beautiful, and apparently you just walk around without shoes on because it's so tropical and gorgeous. What can be better than golden sandy beaches (and I'm not particularly fond of sand), crystal clear blue water, gorgeous sunshine and incredible scenery? I want me some of that!
So it leaves me hoping and praying for a fairly immediate windfall so I could actually afford to go! Enough money for an all expenses paid trip... and I'd love to take FT. I know she'd love it, and there's no one else in the world I would rather go with.
Keep my fingers crossed and keep dreaming then...
Never say never!
Tuesday, 24 April 2007
Love
I have a new favourite quote! Hence I've put it beneath my vital statistics on the right there for all to see. But I wanted it to be the begining of this quote too:
The heart has a logic the mind will never understand.
If you ask me, that statement in itself is pretty much key to the human persona. And the answer to so many questions we find us asking ourselves over and over again, and still coming up with no logical answer!
I suppose my reason for this post was sparked by something FT and I were talking about on the phone last night. Bizzarly over songs that I've been singing along to. Now I'm no singer, and sound shit whatever I attempt to sing, and rarely sing in public to save humiliation. Although sometimes I do get carried away and sing in the shower, or while I'm driving. Anyway, I got caught singing whilst driving when in the car with FT last week. Anyone heard that song by Mark Ronson featuring Daniel Merriweather called 'Stop Me'?
Well that was what I was singing along to in the car. The chorus goes like this:
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've
Heard this one before
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before
Nothing's changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love
Anyway, FT made me sing it to her over the phone last night! Apparently I sounded the cutest I've ever sounded singing anything. That's good right?
Anyway, we were having a debate, as she thinks that I've picked up on singing it because of our situation.
Of which there is an element of truth, apart from the last line.
So on began my tale of how that would be perfectly true if the words in the last line said 'slightly more' rather than 'slightly less'.
And on began the debate of how I could possibly love her more after everything that has happened.
To which the overwhelming answer pure and simply is 'because the heart has a logic the mind will never understand'!
Yes, so in a logical run of things, I shouldn't love her any more, and I should love her less after everything that has happened, and how much I've hurt.
But in my heart. That's utter bollocks. I don't posses and 'off' button for this woman, or even a dial to turn down how I feels. It just grows, and there's no logic to that, and I can't explain that.
There are many many reasons why I love her just as much, if not more than I always did. All the reasons I fell in love with her are still there. She has a list of 101 of them, and each and every one of them still counts to this day. But it's more than that now. There's something about the fact that we've been through complete and utter hell, hurt and pain that I don't think either of us believed was possible. We've both caused each other more pain than either of us set out to do, and more pain than I for one have ever experienced in all my life.
But in spite of all that, my heart still pounds when my phone rings and I see her name on the screen. I still catch my breath when she walks into the room. My eyes still light up when she talks to me. Being with her, for even just a second still makes me smile more in that instant that I do in the whole period that we're not apart. She makes me feel special, like no one in the world can even come close to doing. She makes me laugh louder, harder and more than I do with anyone else. She makes me feel relaxed, like there is no need to pretend or like I'm just being tolerated. She makes me feel like I belong. She makes me feel complete. Yeah, the optimist in me wants the perfect outcome in all this, because something about us just fits, so perfectly. And when I look at her, and think about her, and all that we've been through in the past 2 and a half years, particularly in the past few months, I know that I'll never ever love anyone in the way that I love her. I know some people spend a lifetime searching for the feelings I have for FT, and die without ever having experienced it. That's how I know how precious it truly is.
So when she asks me 'how can you possibly say you love me more now, after everything that has happened?' I can reply:
'Because my heart has a logic that my mind will never understand, and it doesn't matter what happens, I see in her the most special, wonderful woman, and I know she doesn't realise the half of it, or maybe even just how we just fit together, and thats why my love for her grows more each day, because every day I learn more about me, and more about her, and I fall in love with her a little bit more'.
It makes no sense. I guess it's not supposed to. Like I said before, if we're meant to be together, regardless of fighting it, fate will find its way. I have faith in that, and I trust that. And it doesn't matter what we or anyone else do and think... if it's meant to happen, then it will.
But if we all want to trump for it in the meantime, then that's alright too :).
So back to songs, in terms of me singing songs right now that reflect the moment. I figured the lyrics to Akon's 'Don't Matter' seem pretty spot on in their own way too:
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
Oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
We gon' fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you
The heart has a logic the mind will never understand.
If you ask me, that statement in itself is pretty much key to the human persona. And the answer to so many questions we find us asking ourselves over and over again, and still coming up with no logical answer!
I suppose my reason for this post was sparked by something FT and I were talking about on the phone last night. Bizzarly over songs that I've been singing along to. Now I'm no singer, and sound shit whatever I attempt to sing, and rarely sing in public to save humiliation. Although sometimes I do get carried away and sing in the shower, or while I'm driving. Anyway, I got caught singing whilst driving when in the car with FT last week. Anyone heard that song by Mark Ronson featuring Daniel Merriweather called 'Stop Me'?
Well that was what I was singing along to in the car. The chorus goes like this:
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've
Heard this one before
Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before
Nothing's changed
I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love
Anyway, FT made me sing it to her over the phone last night! Apparently I sounded the cutest I've ever sounded singing anything. That's good right?
Anyway, we were having a debate, as she thinks that I've picked up on singing it because of our situation.
Of which there is an element of truth, apart from the last line.
So on began my tale of how that would be perfectly true if the words in the last line said 'slightly more' rather than 'slightly less'.
And on began the debate of how I could possibly love her more after everything that has happened.
To which the overwhelming answer pure and simply is 'because the heart has a logic the mind will never understand'!
Yes, so in a logical run of things, I shouldn't love her any more, and I should love her less after everything that has happened, and how much I've hurt.
But in my heart. That's utter bollocks. I don't posses and 'off' button for this woman, or even a dial to turn down how I feels. It just grows, and there's no logic to that, and I can't explain that.
There are many many reasons why I love her just as much, if not more than I always did. All the reasons I fell in love with her are still there. She has a list of 101 of them, and each and every one of them still counts to this day. But it's more than that now. There's something about the fact that we've been through complete and utter hell, hurt and pain that I don't think either of us believed was possible. We've both caused each other more pain than either of us set out to do, and more pain than I for one have ever experienced in all my life.
But in spite of all that, my heart still pounds when my phone rings and I see her name on the screen. I still catch my breath when she walks into the room. My eyes still light up when she talks to me. Being with her, for even just a second still makes me smile more in that instant that I do in the whole period that we're not apart. She makes me feel special, like no one in the world can even come close to doing. She makes me laugh louder, harder and more than I do with anyone else. She makes me feel relaxed, like there is no need to pretend or like I'm just being tolerated. She makes me feel like I belong. She makes me feel complete. Yeah, the optimist in me wants the perfect outcome in all this, because something about us just fits, so perfectly. And when I look at her, and think about her, and all that we've been through in the past 2 and a half years, particularly in the past few months, I know that I'll never ever love anyone in the way that I love her. I know some people spend a lifetime searching for the feelings I have for FT, and die without ever having experienced it. That's how I know how precious it truly is.
So when she asks me 'how can you possibly say you love me more now, after everything that has happened?' I can reply:
'Because my heart has a logic that my mind will never understand, and it doesn't matter what happens, I see in her the most special, wonderful woman, and I know she doesn't realise the half of it, or maybe even just how we just fit together, and thats why my love for her grows more each day, because every day I learn more about me, and more about her, and I fall in love with her a little bit more'.
It makes no sense. I guess it's not supposed to. Like I said before, if we're meant to be together, regardless of fighting it, fate will find its way. I have faith in that, and I trust that. And it doesn't matter what we or anyone else do and think... if it's meant to happen, then it will.
But if we all want to trump for it in the meantime, then that's alright too :).
So back to songs, in terms of me singing songs right now that reflect the moment. I figured the lyrics to Akon's 'Don't Matter' seem pretty spot on in their own way too:
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you babe
Cause we gon' fight
Oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
We gon' fight
Fight for our right to love yeah
Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
Cause I got you
Restoring Normality
I'm feeling a little better today. I don't mind admitting I was in a right old state yesterday, over something that ordinarily wouldn't bother me all that much.
I'm still hurt. And I still feel completely and utterly used. Not something I'm used to feeling like. And to be fair, I don't quite know what to do with it.
I suppose my one benefit from it all is that once again, it has enabled me to learn something about myself, and how I'm ever changing to dealing with things.
My usual previous approach to finding out that I was excluded from the wedding invitations after being friends and living together and bending over backwards to help Sarah when no one else would give her the time of day would be to get angry. Very angry and bitter. I'd usually do nothing but gob off about what a bitch she is and how she just uses people for her own ends and then fucks them off when she's finished or they have expended their usefulness.
Which of course is the truth of the matter. But imagine that statement uttered repeatedly in a very angry and threatening tone for hours on end, and then brought back up over and over again, and you would be somewhere close to my usual reaction.
Ironically, without consciously thinking about that, I've progressed from that usual 'angry' reaction to something a little more civilised. Probably something that normal people in this would would react like. Admittedly, I was obsurdly upset about it, which wasn't completely normal, but completely fueled by the evil that is the raging hormones of a period.
I guess what upset me a little too was my inability to actually get angry about it like I would usually do. I know that sounds weird as I've admitted my anger was one of my very bad sides and I've tried all I can to change it, so why in a situation like that want to go back to it? I don't know.
In a positive light, I feel like my general progression over the past few months has been incredible. How I feel inside, and how I react to situations now is completely different to how I used to. I'll do my best, but I don't think I can completely understand it, only offer what I think might be an explanation in some sense.
I would just completely blow my top over the slightest little thing. If something didn't go in a way which I thought it should go, or would have liked it to go, or how I expected it to go, I would just get frustrated, would try to deal with that inwardly, and just end up angry, and project that to the world as angry outbursts. I'd feel like the world was against me. I guess that as incredibly happy and in an absolute bubble of wonder and joy and amazement with FT, in every other aspect of my life, I was far from happy. And in the end, that made the pressure on our relationship too much, and the rest has its story as you know.
I was scared and angry. Not an excuse to be an explosive little fuckwit when I couldn't deal with things, and I'm not trying to make it one, but it's the reason.
I had a real problem with 'society' as it were. The fact that people find it so hard to accept others for who they are rather than for their sexuality, skin colour or gender. And I felt powerless to do anything about it. I just hate the fact that there are these preconceptions about how people should be, and if you don't fit that category, then the fact is you face a harder time in your progression through life. You have to fight for better pay if you're a woman. You have to fight to get a job if you're not white. You have to fight for acceptance or put up with shit if you're gay. And I hate it. I still do. But before, I think the main factor for me was coming out to my family, who have some pretty traditional British views (they're all royalists for christ's sake). I've said it before, but I felt angry that there was even this 'coming out' issue. In this day and age, there sure as hell shouldn't be one. If society presumed everyone was bisexual, then it would come as no surprise, or issue if someone brings home a partner of the same sex.
I've covered this point before, in great depth, but it was the fact that I was scared, and not 'out' to my family, and was so worried about their views that contributed so greatly to my anger.
I'd always of said I was a pretty easygoing individual, fairly chilled, but yes, did have the potential to get angry and go off the deep end. I'm not saying I don't have that now. I don't know if I do anymore. Time will tell.
But one thing's for sure - I don't feel angry inside all the time like I used to. And I suppose it's only really now I can realise how destroying and dysfunctional that was. It's only now I can see just how angry I was. And even I'm surprised. I just really don't feel like that anymore. But my old logic tells me that I should still feel angry because I've lost the one thing that truly makes me happy. Possibly the only thing that kept me from a complete mental breakdown and letting anger and fear consume me completely was FT. I tried to run away from the things that were making me angry. The way things ended up, I had nowhere left to run. And I lost the one thing that was running with me. I feel like I was just running and running, and one day I looked round, and I'd run on without her. I felt like I was lost in the middle of the woods, surrounded by big trees and two paths. One to keep on running, and yes, it would have been on my own. Or one to step forward and stand up on my own and stop running. If I'd run, the anger would just have followed me. And I would have just got even more angry, because I didn't have FT by my side.
I didn't want to run forever. That was never my intention. I never wanted to be the woman who was scared to stand up and be herself, and I never wanted to be angry because I was scared.
I wanted to be someone I could be proud of. And I wasn't. Not by any means.
In my eyes, there was absolutely nothing to be proud of. I wasn't being the real me, I wasn't standing up for what I wanted, or what I believed in. I'd just got angry and pushed the one person I'll ever only truly love as far as she could go.
Metaphorically speaking, I'd lost it all. I'd lost FT. I'd lost my life. The one thing that was stopping me from turing into one big ball of anger. Worse than that, I'd lost my self respect. Only I could get that back.
And that's been my journey. I'm by no means finished, I'm still going. But this is about getting my self respect back, and being the 'me' that I always knew I was inside, but too fucking scared to do it.
And this is why now, I can look back and see why things happened the way they did. I can see why FT and I had to be where we are now. Because I had to do this, and travel this on my own, by myself. My love, respect, faith and devotion to her has never changed and never will (a matter to be covered in my next post), but I'd lost it for myself, and I needed to get that back. And that's what this is about.
Sure, the last thing I wanted is for FT and I to be where we are now. I've always believed we're meant to be together, so not being right now is soul destroying. But I can't change what happened or go back and do things differently. It's not a luxury you get in life. But I can learn from it all, and make damn sure I don't make the same mistakes from here on in that have destroyed my perfect world. Where we are now, is definetely somewhere we both needed to be. And we're getting on a lot better for what we've learnt so far. And we're still learning. We're seeing how things go, and just enjoying how things are right now. And right now, I wouldn't give that up for the world. If we're meant to be together, and end up together, we will be, and I have absolute faith in that fact.
I can't believe that for a few months now, my compulsion to feel angry just isn't there anymore. Not when for so long it felt like something that was such a big part of me and who I was. I think now I really can testify to being 'chilled' and 'easygoing', and I take things in my stride a lot more than I used to.
I had an incident with my £250 Tom Tom the other week, where it completely froze and wouldn't turn off, and the screen looked completely screwed. It can't be taken back to the shop, as when I bought it I had to sign an agreement that if there were any problems I had to send it back to the manufacturer directly. Now the 'old me' would have completely gone off on one, hitting it and slamming it, and swearing and been like 'great, what a fucking waste of £250, and now it's going to be such a stress to get it fixed' etc, with many more swear words rammed in. Whereas my actual reaction was 'oh well, guess I'll just have to try and sort it out, nothing I can do now, just leave it as it is, and have a look tomorrow'. I plugged it in the next day, and it was working right as rain. But that's one example of the change in me, and my reactions. The anger wasn't there, and it made a difference. A big one.
And it's similar with this wedding invitation thing, whereby my old reaction would have been lots of swearing and calling Sarah every name under the sun, because I'd be upset about not being invited, and feeling used and things, and that would result in anger. When in reality, and in actual fact, I don't really feel angry. Just disappointed, and extremely upset. I'm upset that I feel like I've been used, and upset that I had more faith in human good nature than perhaps I should have in this case. But I'm not angry.
Yes, I'm upset, but not angry. Well, yes I'm gutted, and still feel completely used, and in a sense, am wondering why the 'nice guys always finish last' scenario seems to be so extremely true.
But on the inside... at least part of me is smiling... because I'm not angry! And that my friend, is progress! And that's something that no one can take away from me!
I'm still hurt. And I still feel completely and utterly used. Not something I'm used to feeling like. And to be fair, I don't quite know what to do with it.
I suppose my one benefit from it all is that once again, it has enabled me to learn something about myself, and how I'm ever changing to dealing with things.
My usual previous approach to finding out that I was excluded from the wedding invitations after being friends and living together and bending over backwards to help Sarah when no one else would give her the time of day would be to get angry. Very angry and bitter. I'd usually do nothing but gob off about what a bitch she is and how she just uses people for her own ends and then fucks them off when she's finished or they have expended their usefulness.
Which of course is the truth of the matter. But imagine that statement uttered repeatedly in a very angry and threatening tone for hours on end, and then brought back up over and over again, and you would be somewhere close to my usual reaction.
Ironically, without consciously thinking about that, I've progressed from that usual 'angry' reaction to something a little more civilised. Probably something that normal people in this would would react like. Admittedly, I was obsurdly upset about it, which wasn't completely normal, but completely fueled by the evil that is the raging hormones of a period.
I guess what upset me a little too was my inability to actually get angry about it like I would usually do. I know that sounds weird as I've admitted my anger was one of my very bad sides and I've tried all I can to change it, so why in a situation like that want to go back to it? I don't know.
In a positive light, I feel like my general progression over the past few months has been incredible. How I feel inside, and how I react to situations now is completely different to how I used to. I'll do my best, but I don't think I can completely understand it, only offer what I think might be an explanation in some sense.
I would just completely blow my top over the slightest little thing. If something didn't go in a way which I thought it should go, or would have liked it to go, or how I expected it to go, I would just get frustrated, would try to deal with that inwardly, and just end up angry, and project that to the world as angry outbursts. I'd feel like the world was against me. I guess that as incredibly happy and in an absolute bubble of wonder and joy and amazement with FT, in every other aspect of my life, I was far from happy. And in the end, that made the pressure on our relationship too much, and the rest has its story as you know.
I was scared and angry. Not an excuse to be an explosive little fuckwit when I couldn't deal with things, and I'm not trying to make it one, but it's the reason.
I had a real problem with 'society' as it were. The fact that people find it so hard to accept others for who they are rather than for their sexuality, skin colour or gender. And I felt powerless to do anything about it. I just hate the fact that there are these preconceptions about how people should be, and if you don't fit that category, then the fact is you face a harder time in your progression through life. You have to fight for better pay if you're a woman. You have to fight to get a job if you're not white. You have to fight for acceptance or put up with shit if you're gay. And I hate it. I still do. But before, I think the main factor for me was coming out to my family, who have some pretty traditional British views (they're all royalists for christ's sake). I've said it before, but I felt angry that there was even this 'coming out' issue. In this day and age, there sure as hell shouldn't be one. If society presumed everyone was bisexual, then it would come as no surprise, or issue if someone brings home a partner of the same sex.
I've covered this point before, in great depth, but it was the fact that I was scared, and not 'out' to my family, and was so worried about their views that contributed so greatly to my anger.
I'd always of said I was a pretty easygoing individual, fairly chilled, but yes, did have the potential to get angry and go off the deep end. I'm not saying I don't have that now. I don't know if I do anymore. Time will tell.
But one thing's for sure - I don't feel angry inside all the time like I used to. And I suppose it's only really now I can realise how destroying and dysfunctional that was. It's only now I can see just how angry I was. And even I'm surprised. I just really don't feel like that anymore. But my old logic tells me that I should still feel angry because I've lost the one thing that truly makes me happy. Possibly the only thing that kept me from a complete mental breakdown and letting anger and fear consume me completely was FT. I tried to run away from the things that were making me angry. The way things ended up, I had nowhere left to run. And I lost the one thing that was running with me. I feel like I was just running and running, and one day I looked round, and I'd run on without her. I felt like I was lost in the middle of the woods, surrounded by big trees and two paths. One to keep on running, and yes, it would have been on my own. Or one to step forward and stand up on my own and stop running. If I'd run, the anger would just have followed me. And I would have just got even more angry, because I didn't have FT by my side.
I didn't want to run forever. That was never my intention. I never wanted to be the woman who was scared to stand up and be herself, and I never wanted to be angry because I was scared.
I wanted to be someone I could be proud of. And I wasn't. Not by any means.
In my eyes, there was absolutely nothing to be proud of. I wasn't being the real me, I wasn't standing up for what I wanted, or what I believed in. I'd just got angry and pushed the one person I'll ever only truly love as far as she could go.
Metaphorically speaking, I'd lost it all. I'd lost FT. I'd lost my life. The one thing that was stopping me from turing into one big ball of anger. Worse than that, I'd lost my self respect. Only I could get that back.
And that's been my journey. I'm by no means finished, I'm still going. But this is about getting my self respect back, and being the 'me' that I always knew I was inside, but too fucking scared to do it.
And this is why now, I can look back and see why things happened the way they did. I can see why FT and I had to be where we are now. Because I had to do this, and travel this on my own, by myself. My love, respect, faith and devotion to her has never changed and never will (a matter to be covered in my next post), but I'd lost it for myself, and I needed to get that back. And that's what this is about.
Sure, the last thing I wanted is for FT and I to be where we are now. I've always believed we're meant to be together, so not being right now is soul destroying. But I can't change what happened or go back and do things differently. It's not a luxury you get in life. But I can learn from it all, and make damn sure I don't make the same mistakes from here on in that have destroyed my perfect world. Where we are now, is definetely somewhere we both needed to be. And we're getting on a lot better for what we've learnt so far. And we're still learning. We're seeing how things go, and just enjoying how things are right now. And right now, I wouldn't give that up for the world. If we're meant to be together, and end up together, we will be, and I have absolute faith in that fact.
I can't believe that for a few months now, my compulsion to feel angry just isn't there anymore. Not when for so long it felt like something that was such a big part of me and who I was. I think now I really can testify to being 'chilled' and 'easygoing', and I take things in my stride a lot more than I used to.
I had an incident with my £250 Tom Tom the other week, where it completely froze and wouldn't turn off, and the screen looked completely screwed. It can't be taken back to the shop, as when I bought it I had to sign an agreement that if there were any problems I had to send it back to the manufacturer directly. Now the 'old me' would have completely gone off on one, hitting it and slamming it, and swearing and been like 'great, what a fucking waste of £250, and now it's going to be such a stress to get it fixed' etc, with many more swear words rammed in. Whereas my actual reaction was 'oh well, guess I'll just have to try and sort it out, nothing I can do now, just leave it as it is, and have a look tomorrow'. I plugged it in the next day, and it was working right as rain. But that's one example of the change in me, and my reactions. The anger wasn't there, and it made a difference. A big one.
And it's similar with this wedding invitation thing, whereby my old reaction would have been lots of swearing and calling Sarah every name under the sun, because I'd be upset about not being invited, and feeling used and things, and that would result in anger. When in reality, and in actual fact, I don't really feel angry. Just disappointed, and extremely upset. I'm upset that I feel like I've been used, and upset that I had more faith in human good nature than perhaps I should have in this case. But I'm not angry.
Yes, I'm upset, but not angry. Well, yes I'm gutted, and still feel completely used, and in a sense, am wondering why the 'nice guys always finish last' scenario seems to be so extremely true.
But on the inside... at least part of me is smiling... because I'm not angry! And that my friend, is progress! And that's something that no one can take away from me!
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